It was a calm morning.
Too calm.
The birds chirped in eerie harmony. The air shimmered with the suspicious stillness of a world preparing to launch a pie into someone's face.
I, Rei, the tragically sane center of a yandere harem, had learned by now to fear peace more than chaos. And sure enough, just as I began sipping my tea—
POP!
A dimensional rift exploded in the ceiling with a noise like a rubber chicken being stepped on by a god.
"HEEEERE'S ERIS~!"
A sparkling figure in a kimono that looked like it had been stitched together from old dating sims and expired wine labels crash-landed onto the dining table, shattering four plates and nearly braining Rosette.
"Divine entrance, 10/10," muttered the maid, holding her teacup like a weapon.
"Could you NOT destroy our furniture every time you drop by?" I snapped, brushing croissant crumbs out of my hair.
Goddess Eris did a flip off the table, landed in her own throne she summoned out of mist and sparkles, and snapped her fingers.
A BINGO WHEEL appeared.
A golden, glittering monstrosity the size of a small goat.
Everyone went still.
"…No," I said immediately. "No no no no—"
"YES," Eris grinned, uncorking a wine bottle with her thumbnail and pouring it into a goblet labeled 'Tears of the Unmarried.'
"I've been watching your little domestic disaster unfold," she said, wiggling her eyebrows at me. "And frankly, you're moving slower than a celibate snail. SO! I'm invoking Divine Clause 404: If the harem refuses to progress, insert randomized marriage route!"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: Divine Clause 404 Initiated by Goddess Eris.]
[Event Title: "Wedding Draft – Roulette of Romance!"]
[Event Host: Eris, Questionable Deity of Accidental Fate.]
[Warning: Sanity Not Guaranteed. Escape Impossible. Good Luck, Mortals.]
Lucivella, seated beside me, calmly lowered her fork. "Define 'wedding draft.'"
"Glad you asked!" Eris chirped. "This sacred wheel will choose the first of Rei's fiancées to enter Phase One of Eternal Bondage— I mean, matrimony!"
Drakana's eyes lit up like bonfires.
Seraphina unsheathed her fan like it was a katana.
Lilia whispered, "I've already picked a white dress. Made of my hair."
I made a choked noise. "Eris, this is not how marriage works—"
"Let fate decide!" Eris sang, giving the wheel a mighty SPIN.
Everyone leaned forward. The wheel clattered ominously, gold ball bouncing inside it like a caffeinated squirrel.
Click-click-click…
It slowed.
Click… click…
And landed on: LUCIVELLA.
Silence.
Then—
"What a surprise!" Eris cackled, wiping a tear. "Oops! Looks like all the names in the wheel were Lucivella's! What a totally unforeseeable glitch!"
Wine sprayed out of her nose.
Lucivella blinked. "...I'm honored. And also very suspicious."
"Don't worry," Eris giggled. "Totally fair. Absolutely balanced. No divine meddling whatsoever!"
[SYSTEM COMMENTARY: This Is Absolutely Divine Meddling.]
[New Achievement Unlocked: "Bingo Bride: Selected by Chaos Itself."]
[Rei's Stress Meter: 87% and Rising.]
"Why are you doing this?" I demanded.
Eris floated upside down and pointed a single, shimmering finger at me. "Because it's HILARIOUS."
She rolled over in the air, then flicked her wrist. A wedding dress floated into the room on invisible wind, draping itself dramatically over Lucivella.
Lucivella rose with the slow, menacing elegance of a queen prepared to conquer a kingdom and a husband simultaneously.
"I accept this divine decree," she said, eyes glowing. "When shall we wed?"
"Today!" Eris clapped. "In fact, let's start the Wedding Draft Mini-Games!"
"…Mini-Games?" I echoed, voice cracking.
[SYSTEM ALERT: New Sub-Events Unlocked – Wedding Draft Challenges!]
[1. "Cake Duel: Who Can Bake Rei's Heart?"]
[2. "Dress Me If You Can: Speed Wedding Dress Assembly!"]
[3. "Kiss the Groom – Blindfolded Edition!"]
[Final Round: Vow of Aggressive Commitment!]
I wanted to cry.
Drakana slammed her fists on the table. "I demand a RE-SPIN!"
Lilia's pupils turned into hearts with knives in them. "I'll accept this… for now. But I will photobomb their ceremony."
Seraphina was already taking out her planner. "I'll need to sabotage at least four of the mini-games. Strategically."
"Wait, so we're seriously doing this?!" I yelped.
Eris poured herself another glass. "Oh yes. I've already printed the invitations. With glitter."
Mini-Game 1: Cake Duel
The ballroom had been converted into a battle kitchen. Five ovens. Twenty cakes. One confused me, tied to a rotating platform with frosting on my nose.
Lucivella wielded a piping bag like a rapier.
Rosette, quietly assembling a multi-tier cake shaped like my face, whispered, "This is the stupidest thing I've ever been forced to do. And I once assassinated a man with a ladle."
Drakana attempted to cook her cake with fire breath.
"IT'S CALLED AUTHENTIC DRAGON FLAVOR!"
Eris judged the cakes by stabbing them with a spoon and taking dramatic bites.
Lucivella's cake won.
It was elegant, triple-layered, and disturbingly shaped like a wedding ring swallowing a screaming chibi version of me.
Mini-Game 2: Dress Me If You Can
I stood in a white suit under magical spotlight.
The girls stormed me with accessories like feral wedding stylists.
Seraphina tied me into twelve cravats. Drakana shoved a red dragon-scale corsage in my hair. Rosette added secret throwing knives to my sleeves. Lilia sewed a tracker into the hem.
Lucivella calmly adjusted my tie and whispered, "Let them try. I already have the honeymoon booked."
Mini-Game 3: Kiss the Groom – Blindfolded
Eris shouted, "This is my favorite game! One chance, one kiss, one chaotic outcome!"
I was blindfolded.
Seven girls were released.
I screamed.
Someone kissed my forehead. Another licked my ear. Someone said "Oops, missed," and then kissed my hand.
Lucivella found my lips. Of course.
[SYSTEM ALERT: Lucivella Wins the Kiss Round. Critical Hit!]
[New Title Earned: "First Bride in Line."]
Final Round: Vow of Aggressive Commitment
Lucivella stood before me in the chapel Eris had conjured in the throne room.
A heavenly spotlight gleamed.
Lucivella took my hands.
"Rei," she said, "you may run. You may flee. You may hide in a volcano."
She smiled sweetly. "But I will find you. And I will marry you. Today, tomorrow, or the moment you blink too long."
I gulped.
Then turned to Eris.
"Can I plead insanity?"
"You can plead," Eris giggled. "But this plot arc is airtight!"
Later That Night…
Lucivella didn't force the marriage.
Not yet.
Apparently, the wedding had been declared Pending Divine Witness Signature, meaning Eris needed to stop being drunk enough to write her name with a crayon.
Small mercies.
Still, Lucivella hummed as she sat beside me in bed.
"Your hand feels warm," she murmured, lacing our fingers.
"I'm cold with fear."
"Perfect contrast," she whispered.
[SYSTEM WARNING: Yandere Overheat Level: "Boiling."]
[Emergency Potion Dispensed. Use Immediately or Risk Cuddling Fatality.]
I drank it.
It tasted like regret and cinnamon.
To be continued…