WARNING:**** SUICIDAL ATTEMPT ****
Hello everyone, my name is james and this is my story.
For a long time, i didn't believe i was meant to exist.
I didn't say it because i wanted pity, i say it because i felt it.
It felt like the world never wanted me.
I was an unfortunate boy whose father has left this world before his birth .
A boy who learned at a very early age how unfair life was.
Who life refused to let him shine and climb high, who wasn't worth looking at.
I learned to survive by not existing, at school, i made myself invisible, at home am like a ghost, my mother never had time for me.
The only one that always accompany me was the one inside my head, a low voice that always told me ' this is not your place '
They say things get better with time.
But it didn't.
Not for me.
Then...one night, i decided to end it all.
No more trying.
No more pretending.
So, i left home, my phone was buzzing on my bed, but i didn't care, i don't care who it was.
Am just.....done with everything.
I walked out into the night with no intention of coming back.
It was raining heavily, the sky cracked open with lightning, for some reason i found it beautiful.
I smiled, my feet dragged me through the road without direction.
Well, is not like i care either way.
But somehow, i ended up at an old house.
I haven't seen it in years, it looked exactly the same.
Rusted iron door, shattered windows and crumbled walls.
It was forgotten by everyone, just like me.
The door suddenly opened as if it was expecting me.
Well, can't refuse a friendly invitation.
Inside, the air was thick and damp, the wooden floor beneath my feet was cold.
I walked pass the rooms of the empty hallway until i arrived at the backyard of the house.
I glanced around, i saw dead flowers, dead trees.
I moved my eyes to the centre, i saw a pool.
It was full, not just with water, it looked like there was oil, a strange black oil.
A heavy wind blew pass me, but i didn't feel cold.
Lightning hit the death tree behind me, i didn't even bade an eye.
I continued to stare at the pool, for a moment, i thought i saw something move inside, then i saw it.
It was me but also not me.
His lips were crack and bleeding, his eyes were sunken as if he had already drowned.
He smiled at me and opened his arms, inviting me to a hug.
I don't know why i listened, maybe it was because i was too tired to question anything.
So i walked to the edge, i didn't jump, i just smiled, closed my eyes , leaned forward and.....fell.
The water wrapped around me, cold like a dead skin.
The pool was deeper than i thought, i didn't hit the bottom yet, i was just ....sinking.
I didn't mind thought.
I tried to move my arms but it felt like they were tied to weights, the darkness grew thick like ink , swallowing everything that i could no more see the lightning above.
But it still feels welcoming.
Its warm, it wraps around my body like a lover's touch.
No cold, no numbing, it was an embrace that i always wanted.
I sank deeper, the pressure started to burn in my lungs but it doesn't hurt yet.
I kept going down, twenty, forty feet, i lost count.
I let myself sink because i have nothing left, no one needed me anyway.
And then i saw them.
Eyes. Lots of them , glowing red in the darkness, dropping like blood.
I saw faces, bloated, decaying with different emotion.
Some where smiling, crying and others were filled with regrets and anger.
I saw a body of a man with no eyes and jaw, a woman with robe tightened around her neck, her face was pale and her eyes whiten.
I glanced at the other side and saw a body of a young teenage girl with blood oozing out of her eyes.
There were so many bodies that i started to feel uncomfortable.
What are they?
They surrounded me, lots of them,
Suddenly, they all looked at me.
I froze.
Then they all said at the same time,
" you're finally here"
It was my voice, my own voice came from them.
Fear finally creaps in, i finally realize something was wrong.
I screamed, but only bubbles escaped instead of sound.
I tried to swim up but long pale slippery hands reached me from below, they wrapped around my ankle and drag me deeper.
I fought, kicked, but more hands joined in, pulling me down ,deeper and deeper.
My lungs began to burn, i couldn't breathe.
" please rest now" i heard the voice.
And then- everything snapped.
I jolted up, gasping.
I was greeted by the bright morning sun.
I was confused, am in the backyard again.
I looked at the pool, there was no water nor the black liquid, it was dry, very dry like water has never been there for years....but wasn't it rainy last night?
The grass am lying on was also dry, i sat up, my heart pounding, i checked myself, my clothes were dry, i still have my shoes on.
I glanced around the backyard, the tree that was hit by lightning was still there with no signs of burns, there were no corpses, no sound, just me in an empty backyard.
Then, it was all a dream?
I lay back on the grass and laughed at myself.
Pathetic. I couldn't even do it, what's wrong with me?.
Why did i hesitated ?
Why- ? i heard something.
A voice no, voices.
Not the voices from before but real ones and they sounded... familiar.
I follwed it, walking back to the corridor until i reached the living room.
And there, i saw them.
My mother, crying, clutching my favourite jacket.
I froze.
She looked so weak and frail, her eyes were swollen from crying, her voice cracked as she spoke into the phone.
" he is not answering, please, help me find him, i...i can't lose him too...." she burst into tears.
I stopped breathing.
Sitting next to her was Alan, my best friend since childhood, he left the country six years ago and we never talk since then.
His face was pale, eyes red, he kept muttering, " james where are you? Where are you?" I could hear the fear in his voice.
The police officers stood at the door, there faces grim.
Then, a realization hit me.
I.... am dead?
What's going on? I was confused, i began to panic, my breathing became heavy.
I looked at them again, i could feel the grief in the room, i could see how broken my mother and Alan were.
They were.....worried about me ?
Tears began to fall on my face, i made them live through a loss they didn't deserve.
No.... No! No!!
I rushed towards them, i want to held my mother's hand and hug her, i want to smack Alan on the head and scold him for leaving without telling me .
" mom..... Alan, am here"
As i got closer, the room began to fade, their voices distorted, echoing.
My vision blurred, i tried to reach out for my mom but my fingers passed through her face.
Then they disappeared.
I was now standing in a white space with no exist.
....
I stood there, i don't know how much time has passed, i don't even care, i was dead anyway, i was not going to see them again.
Never.
I cried.
" sorry...am so sorry.....mother.... i.."
I couldn't continue, i fell to my knees, what can i say? I have nothing to say, it was too late.
What kind of person was i ?
As i continued to cry and apologise, i felt something behind me.
I turned around, there i saw the black pool, standing still, waiting.
What?
Then i heard a creaking sound and i turned towards it, i saw a door, my mother and Alan were waiting, smiling.
I looked back at the pool, then at them.
I see...
I smiled.
And i chose.
********
I woke up in my bed, my real bed.
It was still raining outside, tapping gently on the window.
My pillow was wet with tears, my chest ached from crying.
My body felt sour and weak.
But here i am. Alive.
I glanced at my phone, i remember it buzzing, i opened it .
When i saw the message , tears welled in my eyes.
" hey man... it's Alan, i don't know if this number still works, i tried calling but no one picked up.
I just landed back to the country.
I know i kind of disappeared, i know i should've called, am very sorry.
Things got chaotic and i have to leave in a hurry. I know, that's not an excuse.
There is so much i wish to say, you know, you were the first friend I've ever had.
Our friendship meant so much to me, it helped me through so much for the past six years.
You were always there for me and i hate that i wasn't there when you needed me.
I don't know what's going on in your life right now, but if you still have space for an old friend, i would really love to see you.
If your up for it, let's talk over drinks? Just hanging out- no pressure okay?
Just.... figured maybe this is the right time?
I really want us to catch up, hope you are doing well.
Tell your mom i said hi.
And please, text me when you see this, okay?."
I curled myself and sobbed.
Now i understand, i finally saw what i haven't before, that someone would notice i was gone, that someone would break down if i disappear.
With trembling hands, i dial the number.
" click, hello?"
" Alan..... is me..."
********
I left my room and went downstairs, i saw my mom going around the kitchen.
When she heard footsteps, she looks up and smiled when she saw me.
" oh your up, come, sit down "
I walked to the kitchen and took my seat and watched as she placed my food,
" eat up while is still warm" she said with a smile that could melt winter.
I didn't move, the plate sat in front of me , steaming slightly, my stomach turned not from hunger but from grief.
I looked at her, this is not a dream, she seemed like the mother i remember before i fell apart.
" is everything alright?" She asked, seeing that am not eating.
"I....." i couldn't say anything, the tears began to well in my eyes, i tried not to let them fall, but i couldn't.
" am sorry " i said, " I'm.....so sorry"
My mother was surprised, but i continued,
" i thought you didn't want me, i hated myself so much because of that, i tried to end , i didn't think anyone would notice "
I broke down, my knees hit the wooden floor, i wrapped my arms her waist and buried my face in her apron.
I cried.
I was pathetic, i was stupid.
She held me tight.
For a long time, neither of us spoke a word.
Her hand gently stroke the back of my head as i wept, " no....am the one who should be sorry" she whispered.
" i was too busy to take care of you, i thought if i work hard, i could give you a better life, i didn't know i was hurting you, am so sorry, i never wanted you to feel lost "she too began to cry.
She hugged me and i held her tightly, refusing to let her go.
This is not the end.
If a voice ever said you are not meant to be, don't listen.
That voice is a liar.
It acts like you but its never you.
You're never alone, whenever there's darkness there is always light.
And i found mine.
Remember, death does not stop pain, it just pass it to those who always care about you.
[ kai returns]
" James found his reason..."
" That's not always how these stories end is it?"
" some of you reading this- maybe you're still searching "
" you've been thinking 'could there be something worth staying for?'
" i don't know your answer "
" but i do know this, does who stay always find something "
" you are still here "
" that means you still have time to write your own happy ending".