Chapter Fifty-Nine – Defective Heart
Was it the petty thing to do to make Brad travel here, three states over, only so he could confront him on familiar ground? Lyn's head had been a mess over the last week, ever since he listened to Brad's message. No matter how many times he'd tried to tell himself that he was just being manipulated again, he knew he wouldn't – couldn't – deny his friend this meeting.
Yes, his friend. Despite everything, Lyn had to admit, as hopelessly as it sounded, that Brad would always be his friend. In all his dealings, throughout his life, he had created many connections, but how many would compare to what he'd built in college, with Brad and Alexander both?
They would always be his friends, even if they were meant to remain a memory and nothing else. He couldn't see himself sitting at a table in a coffee shop, talking to Brad like nothing had happened to push them apart. Although that was where he was heading, and soon he wouldn't need to imagine it at all.
The die is cast, Lyn mused as he crossed the street, walking slowly on purpose, although the green light already started blinking in warning.
Brad must have loved him the way young people did. He must have been partly curious, partly too familiar with this friend who was always there for him. All these rationalizations worked perfectly in lab conditions. Wasn't it easy to mistake simple affection for something more?
The late August afternoon made Lyn think of all kinds of improbable things. A soft breeze rustled the leaves of the trees guarding the sidewalk, as Lyn started toward the coffee shop designated as their meeting place. Was it too late for coffee? Not for him, and Brad actually preferred anything else to the bitter beverage that kept lawyers awake for hours on end when they needed to work a case.
But this wasn't about Brad. It was about… Lyn didn't even know what it was about anymore. Only that he had to stop running and face his life as it was. The last weeks had made one thing clear: if he didn't stop avoiding everything that hurt, he'd battle insomnia and worse things in the long run. Brad, like many other times, was pulling him out of his own head, making him get in touch with reality.
Lyn took one deep breath. He had rehearsed several, no multiple times already, what to say, how to act, everything. But his mind went blank as he walked in and spotted Brad, who immediately noticed him and waved for Lyn to notice him back.
The baseball cap made him look so young, Lyn thought. Just like his casual, sporty clothes. From afar, he was still that golden child everyone wanted as their friend.
At first, Brad made a move as if to hug him, but Lyn pulled back his chair, opposite from his friend, and sat down, avoiding even looking at him too long.
He was a lawyer. He was supposed to have all his words ready, all the time. How often did he feel so helpless these days? Almost never, so Brad had to come out of the past to shake him so badly. Which was needed, a tiny voice whispered in his ear.
"You're here," Brad said, leaning back in his chair, although Lyn could easily read the tension keeping his shoulders tight like they were on an invisible string.
"You wanted us to meet. Of course, I'm here," Lyn replied.
He had wanted his voice to sound snappy and cold. Yet it wasn't. He delivered the words matter-of-factly. Almost gently. A fracture had taken place in his vision of the world somewhere along the way. For a change, Lyn wanted to face it, regardless of how anxious not knowing what lay ahead made him.
Brad drummed his fingers on the table. The coffee in front of him looked untouched. His eyes seemed to travel to distant places, not directly avoiding Lyn, but not making the effort to look at him either.
The awkward moment was momentarily interrupted by a waitress, who had come to take Lyn's order. Coffee, black.
Lyn liked to keep things simple. But what about Brad now?
"I got your package," he said, unnerved by the silence stretching between them.
Brad's eyes snapped to him, and a gentle smile made the corners of his mouth curl upward. Lyn's heart jolted at the sight, but it wasn't because of his silly crush from long ago; no, it was because it shocked him to realize that Brad had actually… grown up. A few fine lines at the corners of his eyes, a heavier jaw… if he looked enough, Lyn would see the actual guy, not a replica of his dreams from long ago.
"Yeah," Brad said, letting out a short laugh and rubbing the back of his head, "I thought it was about high time I returned those to you."
Lyn couldn't help a small smile himself. Were friends supposed to forget about how they hurt each other in the past? If yes, how did that work? It seemed to be working right now, even though he had been mad at Brad so badly before walking in here for weeks on end.
"Well, they're still broken," he said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
Brad sighed and looked down. "Not the only things broken, right?"
Lyn placed his elbows slowly on the table. "Hey, it's all in the past," he offered, overly conscious of how lame that sounded. "I suppose it would've been a mistake to… you know. The two of us."
Brad shook his head slowly. "Who knows?" he murmured. "But that's not why I'm here."
"Right." Lyn sobered up. If they were going down the memory lane for useless feelings, they would never get anywhere. And Brad had said intriguing things in his message. "You mentioned that you wanted to tell me something that summer. Is it the same thing you didn't muster the courage to tell me before the wedding?"
Brad nodded slowly. Lyn observed his friend carefully. It wasn't like Brad to look sad or worried, at least not for longer than a minute or an hour.
The unsettling sensation in the pit of his stomach that usually warned him of things to come, things he didn't want to know—
"Yeah, it's the same thing."
"And it's not the fact that you might have liked me back then?" Lyn asked slowly.
The look Brad gave him was honest. At least, Lyn thought it was. He didn't know anything anymore. But had he really known anything, to begin with?
"No, it's not that." Brad groaned and looked down again. "I came to see you that time… gosh, how I wanted to tell you. But then I saw how you lived, and I was already connecting the dots--"
"What, I wasn't rich enough for you?" Lyn asked, leaning back and crossing his arms. He thanked the waitress for the coffee and waited for Brad's reply.
"I deserved that," Brad said with a smile that was all him. "I just thought that you must have had plenty to deal with yourself. You didn't need to pity me on top of everything."
"Brad, I wouldn't have pitied you for anything," Lyn said. Words, said by Luke and Alexander both, emerged from his recent memory. "I guess you still don't see it, but I looked up to you, not down on you. Never."
Brad smiled again, making even the tiny stings of ice eating at Lyn's heart melt. "I thought I'd start with a string of apologies for what happened before the wedding. I was an asshole."
"I accept your apologies," Lyn said impatiently. "I shouldn't have come to your wedding, anyway. Even without… everything that happened, it was just doomed to be… well, not a good experience for either of us."
"It was for me. To see you again. And Alexander. Yeah, both of you," Brad said.
Lyn frowned. Why did Brad sound honest, while he didn't? He sighed and ran one hand across his eyes. Brad had guessed his home situation in college. He had noticed how he and Alexander had gotten closer during this last vacation, so trying to defend himself while attacking Brad wasn't an option.
"Okay," he admitted. "I suppose it wasn't all bad. I did miss you. But you are still one major prick for what you did to Bella. Did she marry you, after all?"
Brad nodded briefly. "Unfortunately for her," he added, his eyes softening to the point they looked a bit blurry.
Lyn tsked. "I'm still disappointed in you. If you're here for forgiveness, well, you have it. Mine. Not others'. I don't speak for anyone else."
"I know," Brad admitted, looking downright dejected. "You see, Lyn, I have a defective heart."
Brad and his antics. He should've known.
Lyn rolled his eyes. "Come on, I see you, man, okay? You don't have to play this hand. Saying things like this makes for a poor excuse and cheapens all your good intentions."
"No, I mean it," Brad said. A short pause followed. "It's called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I know, sounds fancy."
The words made no sense for a moment. Lyn froze and stiffened in his chair. Gradually, he leaned forward, afraid of what he would hear, but knowing there was no escape from it. "I'm not Alexander," he said softly. "You'll have to tell me more."
Brad sighed. "Well, it's not pretty or nice." He touched his chest briefly. "There's this chamber in my heart pumping blood, or that's what it's supposed to do, only it doesn't all the time or how it should because its walls harden or something like that. You'd think that it's just one of four, so it must not be a big deal."
"It is," Lyn mumbled, feeling his hands going numb.
"Anyway, it's a shitty condition," Brad said. "If I'm lucky, I might touch forty. If not--" He shrugged.
Lyn looked at his fingers and the way they trembled slightly. "No," he barely managed.
He was only vaguely conscious of Brad coming close and putting a protective arm around him. "Come on, Lyn," Brad said in a playful voice, "this is the moment where you are supposed to comfort me, right? Don't worry so much for me. Medicine, surgery, tests, they're all in the cards. Only there's no actual cure, and that's fine, too."
Lyn swallowed hard. He needed to control himself, not break down in a coffee shop downtown, instead of doing what the mature, well-adjusted individual he'd become, was supposed to do. He turned and looked helplessly at Brad.
"Oh, Lyn," Brad's heartfelt reaction came. "I guess I knew why I couldn't tell you."
"Alexander," Lyn said like a machine, "he… he can fix you, right?"
Brad shook his head slowly. "He's brilliant but… No, no one can. Not yet, but you know, my time is running out, it seems. That's why I wanted to see you guys. Before, you know. Because it might happen. Years from now, supposedly, but still. Hey, man, look at the bright side. Alexander doesn't know about it, either."
Lyn nodded slowly, although he still had trouble making sense of the words. He assured Brad through gestures alone that he was fine, so Brad returned to his place.
How could he still smile like that, given his confession?
"Yeah, His Majesty, the know-it-all, has no idea," Brad continued. "Only my family knows. And Bella."
Lyn looked straight at Brad, completely stunned. "And did she--"
Brad nodded slowly. "Yes, she knew and still wanted to drag me in front of the altar, and all that jazz."
"Were you trying to push her away by doing those things with Luke?" Lyn was starting to feel his fingers again.
"Why would I do that? And give up on all she has to offer?" Brad joked.
Lyn shook his head. Even if he still felt overwhelmed, he was getting the hang of being himself once more. Brad needed him, even if no one knew how to fix him. It was shocking to discover that simple truth. All these years, he had longed for this feeling: to be needed.
"And you wanted to tell me about it that summer? How long had you known?"
"I'd just barely found out and ran to you. I'd had dizziness before, some fainting spells, but it seemed that my ticker didn't look that bad to the doctors who saw me first," Brad explained. "Are you feeling better, Lyn?"
It was so stupid to be making Brad worry about him when it should be the other way around.
"Yes, don't mind me," Lyn said quickly. "How can you even think of me when you're going through what you're going?"
He met Brad's smiling face with his eyes wide open. A lot of things made sense now. Yes, a lot of them.
"You're my friend. I want the best for you," Brad said simply. "Not to suffer because I have an incurable condition. And back then, I guess it was the first mature thing in my life I'd ever done. I kept my mouth shut instead of troubling you with things you could do nothing about. Come on, Lyn, bask in the knowledge that not even His Majesty knew this. I thought it would cheer you up."
Despite himself, Lyn snorted. "Only you'd joke about the most serious things in the world."
"What else is there left to do?" Brad said naturally. "Once you learn you're practically dying sooner than everybody else, you start seeing things differently. Like how happiness isn't overrated at all. Which brings me to why I'm here."
"What? There's more?" Lyn asked, clenching his hands tightly on a napkin.
Brad grinned. "Nothing more about death and all that, I promise. I came to talk to you about Alexander."
Lyn blinked a couple of times. "What about him?"
Brad gave him a reproachful look. "Really, man? You did him dirty, not gonna lie. I swear, I think he was ready to go down on one knee and all that. He's always been in love with you."
"But you said--" Lyn tried.
Brad shook his head. "I was mad – at myself, mostly – and just took it out on the two of you. Everyone sees His Majesty and thinks: what a cold, cynical bastard. But the truth is, he's a hopeless romantic, nothing like you and me. So, consider it my dying wish. Go after him, go as hard as you can, because no one is ever going to love you more than that asshole."
"But--" Lyn made another attempt.
"Nope, none of that. If I had doubts in college, especially since I also had a little crush on you, I don't have them anymore. The few days you two spent together before my wedding made Alexander look so different. Freaking happy, and that's no joke. I know I care about you, but it's nothing compared to what he feels for you. He's smitten, still freaking smitten after all these years. Not that I can blame him," Brad added with a goofy smile. "You turned into one handsome motherfucker."
"Come on," Lyn moaned, still struggling to force his thoughts and feelings into order.
"Just joking. You've always been a pretty fucker," Brad continued. "So do it for me. Make a grand gesture to win the jerk back. Don't overthink it. It doesn't matter if it's silly or downright cringe. It won't matter to him because it comes from you. He'll love it, I swear on my poor little heart."
"You'll always be a joker, won't you?" Lyn asked, feeling his cheeks cramp from his need to cry and laugh at the same time.
"Yeah, but it looks like the two of you need this joker to get you back together, as you should be. You love Alexander, Lyn. Don't be stupid."
"I love him?" Lyn asked slowly.
He caught the edges of the table with both hands. How many times had he avoided thinking of Alexander over the last several weeks, afraid of what he might discover?
Brad laughed, pulling him back again from the tangle of his thoughts. "Gay people have the reputation of being more in touch with their feelings. Are you really the exception, Lyn? Now I should worry. Or not. I'm willing to hold your hand to get you through this. You've done so much for me, it's only fair."
"How do you know?" Lyn asked automatically, searching Brad's face for signs that his friend might just be lying to him.
Brad's facial features softened further. "It wasn't only Alexander who looked happy as you two had your little affair. You looked happy, too, Lyn. Like I've never seen you before. And heck, I got jealous." He stretched for a bit, relaxing his stance. "I was going through very strange things watching the two of you gradually falling into each other."
"Besides jealousy?"
"Yeah, besides that. I was happy for you but also sad and mad because—well, because I thought I'd never have that."
"Oh, Brad," Lyn sighed, "you should have told us. Even if it'd hurt us, it wouldn't have been you hurting us. You know that, right?"
Brad removed his baseball cap to run a hand through his hair before putting it back on.
"I guess… I was so afraid people would continue to be happy without me. I wanted to be the source of that happiness or else they'd forget me soon. I've always been the life of the party, you know?"
Lyn nodded slowly. "To me, you're much more than that, and you always will be."
Brad let out a long breath. "Wow, I guess I had no idea it would be this hard to talk to you about it."
"Sorry about being so difficult," Lyn said, blinking hard.
Brad waved. "Don't worry, man. It's rewarding, too. And anyways, it was about time I finally grew up, stop being reckless, all that. I'm going to have a kid. A little Brad or Brad-ina," he joked, smiling, "out here, in the world. I still can't get over the thought. Someone just like me."
"There will never be anyone just like you," Lyn whispered, wrapping one hand around Brad's wrist, as it rested on the table.
"So like you to say that," Brad said, turning his hand so he could hold Lyn's. "See, I'm even holding hands with you to convince you that you're my best friend forever."
Lyn snickered and pulled his hand away slowly. "Have you tried talking to Alexander?" he asked.
Brad nodded. "Unlike you, he replies. Only one-word messages, though. Since he doesn't feel the urge to cut me down with his usual wit, it must mean that he's still upset with me."
"So, you keep on messaging him?"
"Of course," Brad said, grinning widely. "I might have been stupid for eight years in a row by not contacting you, but I've always known where you two were and what you were up to."
Lyn took in Brad's face. He wanted to say so many things, but he had trouble picking the most important ones. And he realized, as his mind settled and began putting two and two together, that while Brad seemed to have always been the one to know more than his best friend, there was one thing he hadn't realized.
But Lyn kept his silence. Even if Brad had given him such heartbreaking news, he knew they still had time to talk about everything.
"About Alexander's marriage," he started. "Was it bad? How much do you know about it?"
Brad seemed to have found his taste for black coffee because he sipped from his cup. "I know he did it for you," he said simply. "Something he confirmed on one of his replies to my endless messaging. That and that he told you about it. If you're asking me if he suffered because of it… well, in his own way, he surely did. Because I think he tried to forget about you and make things work. That is until his wife took off with some dude."
Lyn's eyes grew wide. "His wife left him?"
Brad shrugged. "Yeah. Imagine all the chicks who liked him in college hearing about it."
"Stop joking," Lyn complained, although he couldn't put much heart in it.
"Go get him, Lyn, I mean it. Plan the wedding fast. My kid needs a pair of rich godfathers, and you know how I always do things that serve my interests."
Lyn made his napkin into a ball and threw it at Brad's head. His friend dodged, laughing out loud, and drawing the attention of a few people in the process. "Wedding? For real?"
"Yeah. He's been waiting for you long enough, don't you think?"
Lyn knew he could set forth a long list of arguments against hurrying into things blindly but kept his mouth shut. He tasted his coffee. It was too bitter, he thought, and grabbed one of the sugar packets the waitress had left on Brad's saucer.
He raised his cup in salute, and Brad did the same, grinning when their eyes met just the way he'd always done.
TBC