Lu Yan continued telling Chen Hai the bare bones of the story.
"After leaving the barbarian scouts' secret camp, and traveling through the night and the following day, we finally met up with brother."
"That's a relief," Chen Hai sighed.
"Yes, it was a relief. But after everything that had happened, we didn't continue to Ning city."
"Why not?" Chen Hai asked.
Sometimes, Lu Yan was taken-aback by how ignorant he was. He truly cared about nothing, except painting.
Patiently, Lu Yan explained, "Barbarian scouts close to the capital city happened once before. At that time, they directly attacked the capital. The previous emperor died defending the capital. Later, the Xiao family was found guilty of collusion and exterminated to the ninth generation."
"Didn't all that happen more than a decade ago?" Chen Hai asked.
"Yes, but everyone was worried that the presence of barbarian scouts meant another attack on the capital. Eldest brother said this incident needed to be reported to higher officials. So we returned to the capital with General Han escorting us."
What she didn't say was:
---
Her brother had exclaimed in shock when he saw her, "Lu Yan! What happened?"
Han had shot her a meaningful look when he heard her name.
She had pretended not to notice. Instead, she began to comfort her brother and sister-in-law who were both looking distressed and guilty.
Later, on their way back to the capital, Han had cornered her again.
"Is you nickname Ayan by any chance?"
She took one look at his face, and knew he knew.
Still, she continued to play dumb. That was better than giving him any ammunition against master.
"No, Company Leader Han is mistaken. I don't have a nickname. Everyone calls me Lu Yan."
He'd stepped closer, and raised her chin again, "That's so strange. I know someone who's called Ayan, and he has this exact freckle in this exact spot."
He lightly tapped a little dot on the top of her cheekbone right below her left eye.
Even though Lu Yan was prepared, the following words still made her heart beat faster.
"He's Ji Jing's disciple, a well-known junior physician in the Ji family camp. Coincidentally, he went missing right around the time the Lu family army returned from the border."
For so long, Lu Yan had missed being Ayan. Strangely, a shot of thrill rushed up her spine on having someone recognize her as Ayan.
Lu Yan kept a straight face, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Her face didn't change, but her eyes were glowing with an unholy light.
He looked into those dark eyes, recognizing something in them.
Something- Something that felt familiar. Something similar to his own self.
In his heart, he was startled, but nothing showed on his face.
Slowly he let her chin go.
Then he smirked, and said, "Of course you don't."
She took a few steps away from him, watching him warily.
He scoffed, then walked away without saying another word.
Later, she looked into a copper mirror and examined her face closely.
She found the freckle, but it was so small that even she hadn't known it was there.
---
"By the time we returned to the capital, the rumors had spread everywhere. My reputation was ruined. I'm surprised you don't know."
Chen Hai suddenly exclaimed, "Ah! I remember now! I heard about a girl kidnapped by barbarians. But I didn't realize it was you."
Lu Yan rolled her eyes, "I can't believe you."
"It's true," he insisted, "At that time, brother had just gotten the latest paints from Persia for me. I think I spent most of that year painting and no one bothered me. Ah, those were the good times."
Lu Yan looked at him.
It was strange, but she felt both relieved and angry.
Relieved because she knew now that there was one more person in the capital that wasn't spitting at her at that time.
Angry because he didn't seem to realize how devastating it had been for her.
"The good times," she murmured thoughtfully.
What she didn't say was:
---
When I got home, my mother had already heard what happened.
My aunt probably had a hand in the rumors getting so filthy and awful.
The moment I walked into the room, my mother slapped me with her whole arm.
She has been a soldier her whole life, and she really knows how to hit people. When dealing with me, she never holds back.
My head snapped to a side.
I was dazed.
Then the screaming started. Why couldn't I have stayed hidden? Why did I wander off on my own? Did I think I always knew better than everyone else around me? Why did I never care about the family's reputation? Was I determined to drag my cousin sister into the dirt with me?
I looked at her and I had a moment where I felt estranged from everything. Like I was not here, like this was not happening to me.
I realized that even though she was my mother, she was a stranger to me.
No, she was worse that a stranger. At least a stranger wouldn't hurt me.
I looked at her twisted face as she continued berating me.
I hated her. I hated her so much my teeth ached with it.
She was like a mad dog. Every time she saw me, she couldn't help but bite.
It didn't matter what I did. The madness was in her head. It had nothing to do with me. I couldn't get rid of it for her.
From that day on, I let go of the absurd little seed of hope I had always carried hidden within my heart: that my parents cared about me even though they had been absent for my whole childhood.
I wanted to laugh at myself. Instead of dreaming and hoping, it was best to see the world clearly. In black and white.
Realize the truth, I told myself: they are never there when you need them. This means they don't care about you.
No matter how much you wish, you cannot change this. This is the way it is.
You had best accept this. Or you'll suffer this disappointment over and over again.
My eldest brother and father finally intervened and stopped her.
She closed her mouth, and the sudden silence that fell over the room was such a relief that I trembled.
Later, I looked into the copper mirror again, and this time both sides of my face were bruised.
I realized that the only time I had felt safe and cared for after that incident, was when I had been kneeling in the dirt and someone put a cloak over me.
He probably didn't know it, but that cloak was warm from his body heat.
He patiently let me cry, and said, "Everything will be fine."
Even though he lied, I believed him.
And, at that moment, it made me feel better.