When i went back home after failing the first time, i felt as if i was going to die. The main reason why i left home was to build myself and the fact that i was back there showed how much i had really failed, well atleast that's how i felt. Even though everyone said that it was okay, i felt as if my entire world was crumbling down, the big plans that i had, the big dreams were crushing down on me even before they began. I spent days on my bed thinking of where i had gone wrong, what i had missed and what i should do next. I could see how devastated my mother was, she tried everything to make me go back to normal but i just could not, and even though it was only my first attempt i felt worse by just the fact that i failed which i hated so much, i always hated loosing and this time that's how it felt. It took me days if not months to take on this big decision, but eventually i had no choice, this was the only choice if i wanted to reach my goals and be the woman i have always dreamt of. If leaving the city did not change my situation then that does not mean that leaving the country would fail me. So i started my venture in finding a job in abroad. It took some time but eventually i did get an offer and this time i was not going to fail. Atleast i started being normal, no one knew why i was beating myself so hard, matter of fact they all thought i was overreacting and i should get over it but to me it was a big deal, i had made all these big plans and i was not about to let them go because this was not about just me this was also to prove that i will not end up like them, i wanted to break the cycle that they failed to break atleast someone needed to try and i was going to carry that burden no matter the cost.
When all the process was done and i had gotten a better deal, it was time to but my big girl pants and go back to the world again, but this time there was no failing only picking myself up, dusting my shoes and keep trying until i get to the finishing life. When my ticket came and i was to leave i a few days i kinder felt sad, sad of leaving my mom behind but i knew that this was for her, i needed to give her the life she always wanted and since no one did i putted it upon me to do so. But saying bye to her was the hard part. When the day finally reached i hugged her, this was the second time, but this time i was not going to fail her. The journey to the airport felt like forever, i remember crying all they way through not knowing what awaits me there but sure enough that i was not going to stay there and do nothing. life had given me a new chance to prove that i could do it and i was not about to waist it. i can clearly remember her worlds, "Don't forget why you are going there, you are stronger than you think" she believed in me more than i did myself and that gave me even more strength.
All the way to my new beginning felt weird, as if i was running away from something or someone, well maybe from myself. I had made so may choices that i must admit i was not proud of and this was my way to forget, forget the love i once thought was real and the pain that came with it forget the shame of not knowing who i was, and letting go of old past that needed to stay in the past. So when i stepped in the new country though new felt familiar. I was picked up by one of the drivers that was assign to me and taken to my new home. The flat was nice and even the lady that i was sharing the apartment with, well i shared a house with my sisters so this won't be hard i said to my self while i settled in. It took me sometime before i started work because of all the formalities that i needed to fill in which also gave me time to survey the new place well and i found out it was not that different form my home even the air felt like home, this was just what i needed to keep me going. I liked the fact that it was not that far from the ocean just like my home so time and time again me and my roommate would visit the beach just to get the salty air that the ocean brings about, and the air that splashes on your skin, the waves that take away all your sorrow and gives you a chance to breath, with that i knew i would not miss home that much but that did not stop me form missing my mom. I got my self settled in really quick and that was step one of my plan, still telling my self that this time we wont give up and we will not fail, i had to remind myself that, but i had no idea of what to do next. Yes i had the job and yes i made it to a new country but how do i execute my plan to get the life i want, because i knew better that just the job would not get me to where i wanted to go so plan be needs to be executed but i guess i had forgotten to make one and its just now that i realised it.