What does it mean to be happy?
Subaru believes that staying the same is one definition of happiness.
Subaru believes that happiness lies in a future where tomorrow will be the same as today, where today will be the same as yesterday, and where days will continue to remain unchanged.
Of course, it is impossible to continue living without anything changing.
The passage of time produces change, wear and tear, and ends in either evolution or degeneration.
--So, having arrived in this other world, is he moving forward? Or is he moving backwards?
If we are to call it change, then there is no greater change than what we are experiencing now, where we have been knocked from the everyday into the extraordinary.
Changes in the environment, alterations in the situation, variations in one's position, and transformations in one's way of life - these were things Natsuki Subaru feared more than anything, hated more than anything, and shunned more than anything.
That's why, even in a world where everything has changed, I was desperately trying to find things that would remain unchanged.
I don't want to let go of what I have once obtained, so I cling to it and hold on, but still.
But still...I.
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When he woke up, Subaru frowned at the unfamiliar sight he saw up in the sky.
It was not the ceiling of the Roswaal Mansion, whose pointlessly extravagant beauty had grown accustomed to, nor was it the ceiling of a simple but well-maintained inn. Of course, it was not even the ceiling of his own room, whose dingy look he loved.
Feeling this way about the pointlessly high ceiling, Subaru drifted into a hazy state of consciousness for just a few seconds.
For Subaru, who wakes up feeling refreshed, the feeling of waking up as if he had lost his sleep is something far removed. Savoring this slight difference from his usual self, he fumbles around and digs up his memories.
What happened before I fell asleep, and where is this place anyway?
There was a tingling pain around my temples, and tears welled up in my half-open eyes.
It is unclear whether this was due to the pain or the sensation of waking up.
Subaru gently wiped away the floating droplets with his raised sleeve, and suddenly noticed something odd about his right wrist.
Peeking out from around the cuff of his sleeve, he saw a flashy scar on his right wrist that he didn't remember.
The feeling was engraved on both the inside and outside of his wrist, and it was accompanied by a slight numbnessーー,
"... I remembered it."
I wondered what humiliating experiences I had had to endure to leave such scars.
And the fact that this scar remains means
"So he didn't die..."
Subaru doesn't realize how disrespectful and arrogant he is when he utters those words.
What's more, we are not even aware of what we unconsciously desire.
just,
"Subaru, are you awake?"
That ear-tickling silver bell voice now felt terribly uncomfortable.
Tilting his head, Subaru turned his gaze towards the direction of the voice.
Next to where I was lying on the bed, I saw Emilia walking towards me.
The way she walked was the same as when I saw her in the Royal Selection Hall earlier.
Her white-based outfit wasn't flashy like an aristocrat, but it suited her pure and dignified appearance well. The white robe that she was now so used to wearing when going out was neatly folded and was currently being held in her arms.
Comparing her figure with the orange sunlight streaming in through the window, Subaru concluded that very little time had passed.
Probably a few hours. Considering that the royal selection process had begun just before noon, he had been unconscious for around four hours at most.
"How is your wound? It's being treated by Ferris so I don't think there's anything unusual..."
Emilia leaned in close with sadness in her eyes. When her amethyst eyes looked at Subaru's wrist, she narrowed her eyes in pain at the severity of the scar that remained there.
Even though her gaze was one of concern for his physical condition, Subaru felt as if she was looking at something he didn't want to see, so he hid his right hand behind his back,
"Uh, uh, well, at first glance I can't see anything wrong with you. Actually, even feeling the tooth that was supposed to be broken is quite a shock."
He moves his tongue around in his mouth and shudders at the feeling of his missing front teeth.
It is regrettable that he was not aware of the treatment. Was the broken tooth regenerated or reconstructed?
Starting with the devastation in his mouth, Subaru noticed that the injuries all over his body had been healed, and he was amazed at the omnipotence of healing magic in this world, as always.
If fractures, lacerations, and lost permanent teeth could all be fully recovered in just four hours, then hospital facilities in the original world would be out of business.
"But wait a second. I don't think they can take any action against the disease. If you think about it, hospitals still have an advantage..."
"Water magic also works on internal things like illnesses, so I don't think there's anything for you to worry about, Subaru."
"The theory that magic is omnipotent. Farewell to the White Big Tower. Say hello to BJ."
He cracks some light-hearted joke, trying to keep his tongue moist like normal, but Emilia seems to understand the subtleties of his inner thoughts, and the sadness mixed in her gaze remains unchanged.
And so, being pitied is what is most bearable for me right now.
"Umm, now that I think of it, did the royal selection discussions end without any problems?"
Subaru brought up a topic to avoid that gaze and the silence. Emilia responded by slightly tilting her chin and saying, "Yes."
"Roughly speaking. We both said what we wanted to say in the discussion in the hall, so after that all we did was work out the details of the royal selection. It was mostly over with Roswaal just nodding."
When they delved into the details, it must have been a heavy burden for Emilia, who was still in the midst of mastering the art of rulership. Hearing a tone of lamentation over her own lack of ability, Subaru found himself feeling a sense of relief.
At that royal selection, Emilia had also felt a sense of grief, having felt something beyond her reach - such a pathetic empathy.
As if to conceal the dark feelings that had arisen within himself, Subaru raised his head and quickly averted his gaze,
"So, where is Roswaal-sama heading off to? He seemed pretty silent in the hall."
"After finishing his duties as my supporter, he was assigned to work as the royal court magician. However, it seems he is relied upon here... I know I can't do anything without Roswaal, but that's not for me to say."
In stark contrast to when she'd boldly asserted her views in the hall, Emilia's current thinking was somewhat pessimistic and weak. If she was feeling down after comparing herself to the other candidates, Subaru thought, then she was underestimating herself too much.
Certainly, if one were to base their evaluation on the education one had received and one's birthplace, Emilia's status as a half-elf was quite bad.
However, her argument that she didn't place importance on those aspects and wanted him to evaluate her on how she would be in the future was reasonable, and it is also true that her attitude at the time was so impressive that it impressed the typically stiff old man.
The things that she laments she lacks can be acquired in abundance later in life.
What she needed most in order to seek the throne - that was what she had possessed from the start, Subaru thought.
So Subaru thinks her grief is misplaced, and that what is lacking in her as she challenges the royal selection is not that. And as if he is afraid that she will realize this,
"Well then, as soon as we finish talking with Roswaal, let's go back to the inn right away. We'll retrieve Rem and plan our next steps. Is there anything else to do at the castle?"
"Subaru."
"If there aren't any, that's fine. It's impossible to know where the eyes and ears are located here, so it would be best to go back to the mansion if possible. We can discuss the details there… No, since we've come all the way to the royal capital, we should first win over some influential people…"
"Subaru…"
"No, no, on the contrary, it might be better to negotiate some conditions with the other candidates for king. It's difficult to know when, where, and how to make the move..."
「ーーSubaru!」
Emilia called out to Subaru, who was quickly stringing together a barrage of makeshift words. Hearing her voice, Subaru instinctively stopped his barrage and turned his gaze to face her.
Those amethyst eyes were fixed firmly and directly on Subaru.
"--Let's talk."
Quietly, yet unshakably, it resonated heavily with Subaru.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
Subaru sat up, using the bed as a chair, and in front of him, Emilia leaned her back against the wall near the entrance, clutching the robe she was holding tightly in both hands.
This was because the unconscious tension in her fingertips indicated that the topic of their conversation was not the kind of thing that could be discussed cheerfully and with laughter.
"There were a lot of things I wanted to ask you, but... I wasn't able to ask earlier because of the location. ...Really, a lot."
"...Ah, well, I suppose so."
Emilia's lips trembled as she fumbled around, confused as to what to talk about first.
Subaru could clearly see her hesitation and wavering.
After all, it was her fault. All of these incidents were beyond her imagination, and she probably wanted an explanation.
So, if she had to put it into words, Emilia shouldn't question everything about "Subaru's actions today", but rather his true intentions.
In response to that, Subaru could unashamedly give only one answer.
However,
"Umm, then... why did you end up fighting Julius?"
The topic she chose was not what Subaru had hoped for.
And more than anything, it was the kind of thing that made me frown when I asked it. Naturally, an ironic smile appeared on my face when she called it a "battle" even though she was choosing her words carefully.
"...What's with that really displeased look on your face?"
"No, nothing. But I didn't think that a battle was something spectacular that could be expressed in cool words, so..."
Since it was such a one-sided attack, it should be called more of a massacre than a battle. Or, as Julius himself called it, it should be called a "punishment".
Putting aside Subaru's wild feelings, Emilia looked pained at his response. Normally Subaru would respond with a flippant remark, but it was only natural that she was surprised when he said it with open self-mockery.
Her pale eyes were tinged with sadness as she spoke.
"There must have been a reason, right? Since it's Subaru, it must be something important..."
"Reason, huh..."
Julius had appeared before Subaru, who was dejected in the waiting room, and when he had accepted his invitation to go to the parade grounds, Subaru had immediately determined that this was retribution for the rudeness he had shown him in the hall.
Subaru had also been able to read the difference in strength between himself and his opponent Julius, to a certain extent. Normally, Subaru would have used his stomachache as an excuse to retreat and quickly frustrate his opponent's plans, and in fact, a part of him thought that this was what he should have done.
And yet, the fact is that Subaru took up a sword, even if it was just a wooden one, and challenged an opponent he had no hope of winning against - and in the end, he ended up being cast aside like trash.
Why did he do that? The answer is,
"I wanted to get revenge."
"...picture?"
Subaru: "In the hall, in the waiting room, that guy... that bastard said that I... I wasn't worthy. I know that. I'm aware of it too. I know better than anyone that I'm not strong enough, no one told me that. But!"
I raised my head, looking up at the silvery beauty standing before me, at the confused eyes.
"I wanted to show her that I wasn't a loser. No, it wasn't like that. I just wanted to be on the same level as her. If I could show her even a small part of that, then maybe I would...become a better person..."
Unable to form words, Subaru bowed his head in the rage that was stirring inside him, clenched his fists in his lap, and bit his lip.
I resent myself for not being able to express myself better. If only I could express all the feelings that were smoldering inside of me, all my heartfelt emotions, I wouldn't have to feel so frustrated.
"Subaru…"
"It was out of spite. I hated that guy who was trying to separate me from you, saying that I was pathetic, useless, and a nuisance... I wanted to make him take it back, so I challenged him."
I think that's what it comes down to in the end.
Julius had criticized Subaru more harshly than anyone else there, saying that he was unworthy of Emilia. However, Subaru himself knew better than anyone else that this was the case, without anyone having to tell him.
Subaru had been frantically trying to hide his true identity so that no one would notice, but he couldn't forgive the man who had so easily exposed the true nature of the mask he had so desperately tried to hide.
They desperately tried to cover up the truth that had been exposed in the light of day somehow.
I think that this is what led to the humiliating outcome of being submerged in a sea of blood.
Subaru's weak reply made Emilia gasp softly.
It was probably not the more meaningful answer she had been looking for. I don't know what ideal answer she had been looking for. But the reality of Subaru's stubbornness betrayed the ideal she wanted to believe in.
The disappointment spilled from her lips,
"For something like that?"
"That's what was important..."
That was a big thing that Subaru couldn't compromise on.
Subaru could hold his head high just knowing that those around him acknowledged such a trivial thing.
Just thinking about such a trivial thing made Subaru feel so embarrassed that he was unable to move.
He walks ahead of me with such brisk pace that I can no longer keep up with him.
However, Emilia does not understand Subaru's desperate feelings.
She covered her mouth with her palm as Subaru replied, squeezing out the words, trembling, between her fingers.
"Is that... is that why Subaru fought like that?"
"...ah"
"Even after you went through all that pain and suffering?"
"Yes."
"--I told you not to use it, even magic?"
Subaru's face stiffened as he bowed his head and averted his gaze, acting like a sulking child.
A trump card, a last resort, a last resort―no matter how he called it, Julius had deemed it a childish tactic.
A definite power that Subaru must have gained after coming to this world, albeit in a roundabout way.
The second loop - a power he'd relied on more than anything during the incident at the mansion. The fact that it had been broken so easily came as quite a shock to Subaru.
I felt a sense of powerlessness, as if everything I had experienced since coming to this world had been cut off from me.
"Hey, Subaru, answer me."
"――――"
"Is that really the reason why Subaru used magic?"
"...Emilia, simply."
The trembling words forced Subaru, who was tormented by a sense of powerlessness, to confess.
The woman who asks the question has no idea how cruel and merciless this act is.
So Subaru spoke in a weak voice, unable to even look at her,
"--Emilia, you don't understand."
"――――"
Yes, that's what he said.
As soon as he said it, Subaru realized that this was a hopeless act of venting his anger.
He said that this was also a despicable excuse, rejecting the other person's willingness to understand and severing their friendship.
Silence falls.
Subaru knew that his words were the kind that would refute any further investigation, and that must have been clear to Emilia.
I wanted to avoid delving any further into the reasons for that fight.
No matter how deep she dug, no matter how far she looked, Subaru would not be able to give Emilia the answer she was looking for. Digging up the topic any further would only deepen the wounds between them.
"--yes"
Subaru, who was unable to lift his head, heard a breathless voice.
The tone was almost a sigh, and it indicated that she had listened to what Subaru had to say, and that she had no intention of pursuing the topic any further.
Feeling relieved by that response, Subaru relaxed his shoulders and let out a sigh.
Then, he thought that he must at least make up for the fact that he was unable to give her the answer she was looking for by being of some use to her in the future――
"Subaru, let's talk about what's to come."
"Hmm? Ah, that's what I was thinking. For now, I can't make a decision until I've calmed down and heard the situation, but first I need to meet up with Roz-chan..."
"Roswaal and I will be returning to the mansion tomorrow. Subaru will be staying behind in the royal capital."
Unable to comprehend the meaning of what he was told, Subaru merely asked, "Huh?"
As Subaru tilted his head in confusion, Emilia tried to suppress her emotions as much as possible,
"That was the promise from the start, wasn't it? The reason Subaru came to the royal capital was to have his exhausted gate healed. I'd already made that promise with Ferris, so all that's left now is for him to receive treatment and then focus on restoring the gate."
"No, wait a minute."
"While I remain in the royal capital, Ferris'…or rather, Lady Crusch's Karsten household will be looking after me, and I'll be leaving Rem there too, so don't worry. Once her treatment is safely completed, we can talk about it then."
"So, wait."
Emilia quickly recites their plans for the future. Subaru realizes that his own thoughts are not being reflected in what she is saying, and calls out to her in a loud voice.
He raised his head, trying to look her face squarely in the eyes, which had been averted until then.
but,
"Emilia..."
"I've already made up my mind. I'll focus on my treatment."
Turning her back on me, Emilia heads for the door as if that was the end of the conversation.
Looking at her, expressionless, emotionless, Subaru felt a chill run down his spine, and he reached out his fingers to the hem of her dress as she quickly tried to pull away.
His body was swaying, and the lack of blood in his body was blocking his vision, but somehow his fingertips just barely managed to reach his back as it moved away from him.
"Why so suddenly? I..."
"…Because Subaru, you end up pushing yourself like that when I'm around, right?"
Emilia responded to Subaru's pitiful voice without turning her face.
Subaru gasped at his words, and Emilia lifted her head and looked up,
"It was the same when we first met. It was the same when everything happened at the mansion. And even today… it's all because you're with me, right?"
"You don't need to say it like that..."
Saying something like "sulky" is too cute and doesn't fit.
Literally, it was a clear expression of dissatisfaction. Subaru replied weakly to the sarcastic remark, which was filled with negativity that was all too rare for Emilia.
The way Emilia said it, Subaru was far too unrewarded.
Though the contents were the same as what Subaru had said, the path to get there was different.
At the very least, I wanted you to know that.
"That's not what I wanted to say... I just..."
"just?"
"I just wanted to do something for Emilia-tan, like that."
"for me?"
When asked again, Subaru nodded in affirmation.
With her back turned to him, she couldn't see his gesture, but she must have sensed his presence. Emilia, with her face tilted slightly up, wondered what she thought when she heard that, and for just a few seconds, silence fell between them.
"--For your own sake, right?"
The next words that were spoken left Subaru speechless.
"――――"
Beyond the silence, a void filled Subaru's mind.
Pushing aside the confusion, incomprehension surges in, and before any words can come to mind or emotions well up inside me, I am at the mercy of the pain of emptiness in my heart.
I don't know what he said.
I don't even know what you're trying to say.
Are you sad, in pain, frustrated, sorrowful, angry, or want to cry?
"I... just... for your sake..."
I want to do something that will make you happy.
I want to help you achieve what you want.
I want to protect you from all the things that make you sad.
Subaru had always believed that this was the basis of his own actions.
And he was convinced that his actions would convey his feelings to her without him having to say anything.
Such self-centered assumptions that ignore the feelings of others,
"--Wabu."
The soft fabric was slammed into his face, and Subaru, who had been in a daze, cried out in surprise.
He quickly brushed it away from his face and saw from the corner of his eye that what had fallen onto the bed was a pure white robe embroidered with a hawk.
He realized that it was originally something that had been in Emilia's hand, and immediately realized that it had been thrown at Subaru.
However, there was no connection between his violent behaviour and Emilia's appearance.
Even though his reason was convinced that it was Emilia who had thrown it, his emotions were unwilling to accept it.
Because in front of Subaru, Emilia was always kind, and overflowing with the compassion of a mother, and although she was stubborn and didn't want to admit it herself, she was a kind-hearted girl who couldn't stop giving to others.
And so Subaru was unable to accept the reality before his eyes.
Her consciousness was clouded by the fact that the girl she had believed would never do such a thing had been so violent towards her, even though she was too fragile.
"Eh, Emilia-tan...?"
Unable to comprehend the reality, Subaru lifted his gaze as she called his name.
Right in front of him, within reach if he stretched out his finger, Emilia was still standing there.
She had had her back to me until a moment ago, but now she turned towards me, her long, beautiful silver hair swaying as if expressing her emotions, and her amethyst eyes looking straight down at me.
It was the first time I had seen those amethyst eyes, swaying with waves of emotion.
It was the first time I had seen such a tense face, biting his lip as if he was about to tremble with passion.
I wonder why, but that expression and gaze don't suit her at all.
There is no doubt that I am the one at whom these two criticisms are directed.
Subaru knew that his sentimentality was out of place, but he saw her like that.
I thought it was beautiful to see her express her emotions like that.
"Stop lying and saying you're doing everything for my sake---"
Waves of emotion turned into tears, filling her amethyst eyes.
Emilia shook her head slightly, as if to release everything she had been building up inside.
"You came to the castle, you fought Julius, you used magic... you're telling me it was all for my sake? I never asked you to do any of that!"
"----!"
"I have asked for everything that I wanted Subaru to do!"
"――――"
"Hey, do you remember? What I asked of you, Subaru?"
"Oh, I'm..."
Subaru's thoughts froze as she so clearly denied his actions.
So I can't search through my hazy memories for her question.
Subaru couldn't give an answer, but Emilia probably wasn't expecting one. She sighed softly, closed her eyes tightly,
"I asked Subaru to wait at the inn with Rem."
"――――"
"I asked you not to use magic because I don't know what will happen to my body if I use magic or push the gate any harder."
I remember hearing both of these "requests."
These were all things she had said out of concern for Subaru and the desire for him to stay quiet. Subaru had heard them, but he had acted on them.
All of this was driven by an almost abnormal obsession that he had to do something to save her, even if it meant pushing through his own poor health.
They can easily ignore those wishes, or they can make it look like they're being ignored by bringing back results that trample on them.
Though he didn't express it explicitly, this kind of thoughtless thinking had always been deep inside Subaru.
But in the end, Subaru had not only neglected Emilia's wishes, but had also failed to produce any meaningful results, and had simply held her back.
But even so, the source of his actions, the beginning was certainlyーー,
"I know I was wrong for not listening to you. Seriously. I truly regret it. But! But, that's not it. It's not like it was for my own sake..."
I just wanted them to understand that the underlying feeling was real.
However, Subaru's tongue twitched as if numb, refusing to say any more.
Subaru covers his mouth with his hands, unable to hide his irritation at his body's rebellion against his will. Emilia stares at Subaru's disgrace with a sad expression on her face.
Those eyes, that uncomfortable feeling of self-restraint, made Subaru shrink and become weak,
"Emilia, do you... not trust me?"
Those were such selfish, self-centered and self-indulgent words.
Those were words that should never have been said. They were not appropriate for someone who had only moments ago refused to understand the other person.
"I want to believe. I want to believe in Subaru."
It sounded like she was about to cry.
In fact, she might have been crying.
But Subaru didn't have the courage to check it out.
He didn't have the courage to look up and face the face of the girl he was supposed to love.
She might have been crying, and I might have made her cry.
He had run like that, not wanting to show that face, but at the most crucial moment, Natsuki Subaru――
"I want to believe it, but... it's not Subaru who won't let me believe it!"
Emotions explode.
He was calm and rational, and although he had never been one to get angry before, he had never once become emotional and lost his grip.
With those shackles removed, Emilia lets out her overflowing emotions,
"Subaru doesn't keep any of his promises. He made promises… and then he just tore them all up and came to this!?"
They have trampled on us.
The promises we made, in other words, trust.
He brandished a noble cause that only benefited himself, that it was all for her sake.
"You won't keep your promise to me, and yet you want me to believe in you… Even if you say something like that, I can't do it. I can't…"
I wanted to scream out loud that it was not true.
But in reality, Subaru's throat was trembling and he couldn't speak, and his neck was stuck down as if it were made of lead, unable to move.
Trembling, crying, and at the mercy of his emotions, he had no choice but to turn his back on the girl who should be expecting an honest answer from Subaru, and continue to betray her.
And so, Subaru shook off Emilia's still-outstretched hand with childish emotion. Seeing his stubborn attitude, Emilia took small, repeated breaths.
"…Hey, Subaru. Why are you trying so hard to help me?"
It was surely a question that Emilia had tried to ask many times but had hesitated.
In the short space of a breath, Emilia had apparently been ruminating on it over and over in her mind as the words reached Subaru without hesitation.
She had seen Subaru running countless times, even when covered in wounds, laughing silly or enduring the pain as he plunged into danger, and had doubts about that, but had nevertheless kept her mouth shut.
So even if it had finally come out here, in this place, it was inevitable.
If she couldn't get it out there, then Emilia would have no choice but to keep the question buried in her heart, continuing to feel hurt at the sight of Subaru continuing to work himself to the bone for her, without understanding why.
Subaru realized that Emilia had clearly shown him the path to salvation.
All of his words seemed shallow, and he was convinced that none of them would reach her now that he had broken his promise, but still, it was a question that he could convey sincerely.
--Why does Subaru have to devote himself to Emilia even to this extent?
--Why have I been so attached to her since coming to this world?
it is,
"Ever since the first time we met, Subaru has helped me. I'll never forget what happened at the stolen goods storehouse. And it was the same at the mansion. It's always been like that. Hey, why? Why do you go to such lengths to do this to me, Subaru?"
Emilia found it extremely puzzling what Subaru continued to give to her.
From her perspective, Subaru suddenly appeared, suddenly saved her life, devoted himself to her without giving any reason, and then just when she opened her heart to him, he betrayed her and did something stupid.
That's the kind of incomprehensible existence it is.
But Subaru has a clear reason for this.
She seems to believe that she has done nothing for Subaru, but that is certainly not the case.
Subaru continues to be given by her, and he is simply trying desperately to give back something equivalent to what she has given him.
The beginning was not Subaru's. The beginning was given to her by her.
Therefore, Subaru's answer wasーー,
"The reason I want to do something for you is because you helped me..."
"Me...Subaru?"
"Yes."
A world in which you are suddenly transported to another world, where you feel lost and not knowing what to do, exposed to unavoidable violence, and where it may just end that way.
"You don't know how much what you did for me saved me. But it saved me more than I can put into words."
What Emilia did there didn't just save Subaru's life.
What Emilia saved in that moment wasn't Subaru's life, but Subaru himself.
Even if he wanted to somehow put it into words, it was something that couldn't be put into words. So all Subaru could do was give some shape to the vague, intangible thing, and convey it along with his feelings for Emilia.
"I don't understand, Subaru…"
Emilia weakly trails off, her lips trembling.
Subaru, seeing her disappearing into thin air, clung to her with outstretched fingertips,
"It's okay if you don't understand. But it's true. You saved me. So what I'm doing is repaying you for saving me... but for now"
But that's not all. The words I wanted to connect were,
"--I'm telling you, I don't know!"
She shook her head, her silver hair flying, and her emotions exploded, but it was out of reach.
Emilia looked at Subaru with teary eyes, her breath quickening with rage and her shoulders shaking,
"Did I help Subaru? …That can't be true. The first time you and I met was at the stolen goods storehouse, and there's no way I had any contact with Subaru anywhere else!"
"No, I'm talking..."
"If there was a connection before that point, if that's true, then I... even I..."
Emilia, covering her face with her hands and hiding Subaru from view, wouldn't listen. She was completely withdrawing into her shell, and Subaru's voice had no power to stop her.
I don't know what it was that touched her weak spot.
Even if you don't understand, you have to create words.
So Subaru was driven by his emotions,
「You may not understand, but please listen. It's the truth! I told you, for the first time since coming to this world――」
In that moment - the world came to a halt, and Subaru realized he had touched upon a taboo word.
A world where time freezes and everything stops moving.
Even the sounds of his own intense heartbeat and Emilia's voice that he had been hearing up until then all faded away, and even the vestiges of the high-pitched ringing in his ears faded away, and a world of silence descended upon him.
Subaru couldn't contain his anger at his own carelessness and the executor's failure to read the situation.
A shadow is born. Regardless of Subaru's inner rage, a merciless enforcer appears.
His right arm, now more clearly formed than before, instantly formed from his fingertips to his shoulder, and approached Subaru. Similarly, his left hand, which had been born in the same way, only reached down to his elbow, creating an unbalanced effect.
Her left hand gently and lovingly strokes Subaru's stiff cheek.
Her right arm slipped into Subaru's stiff chest, and lovingly touched the heart that was giving life to it.
With the roots of his clenched teeth unable to move, an excruciating pain shook Subaru's entire body.
Pain that felt as if his body was being torn apart, a sense of loss so great that he felt as if he was about to disappear, suffering that did not allow him to even scream or writhe around, was rained down unilaterally upon Subaru for breaking the taboo established by the shadow.
I don't know how long the pain lasted.
Was it a few seconds, a few minutes, or even a few hours?
The folly of counting time in a world where time has stopped is nothing more than a game of thought, a fluctuation, that can never be a means of distracting from pain.
A shadow is lost, and the world suddenly begins to move.
Before his eyes, Emilia was still in a state of confusion, and Subaru, desperately determined to stop her, could only respond with heavy breathing and a heavy sweat.
Pain, suffering, the shadow of a curse, all get in the way, trying to block Subaru's thoughts.
The words he was about to say rolled down the back of his throat, and the sincere feelings he was trying to convey had nowhere to go and became a heavy weight on Subaru's shoulders.
"…Again, you haven't said anything."
Emilia's voice, cold and emotional, sounding like she had given up and was disappointed, struck my eardrums.
The tears-inducing rage, the heart-shaking emotions, all of it surged in like a wave, stirring up Emilia's heart and washing it away.
And Subaru, the only one with the means to stop it, chose to remain silent rather than extend a helping hand to her.
Even if that wasn't the case, that was the only way she could perceive it. And if she tried to deny it, the black shadow would once again tighten around Subaru's insides.
A misplaced anger welled up inside me.
An undirected sadness swelled up in my chest to the point of it feeling like it was about to burst.
What should I do and how should I do it?
If he were to sincerely express his feelings, Emilia would not listen.
If I were to try to talk about the whole path that has taken me so far, the shadow of a curse would hinder me and get in the way.
Subaru: "I want to do that to you… for you to, for me, to, first…"
"...That's not me, Subaru."
Emilia denied the words, weak and halting, spoken in fear of the dark clutches of evil, with a clear sense of sadness in her voice,
"You just see someone in me that I'm not."
"No, that's not it... that's not it..."
Bowing his head and covering his face with his hands, Subaru weakly let out words of denial that didn't reach anyone.
Emilia, the girl who first picked up Subaru when he fell into this world. Those memories do not exist within her. That history, that world, exists only within Subaru.
But still, that was definitely Emilia.
If given the same circumstances, she would undoubtedly do the same.
When Subaru was about to end his life cruelly in that back alley, when he was about to collapse without having done anything, that moment when he was saved will surely come again.
Even if it hadn't happened in this world, it certainly had.
Even if this never happened in this world, Subaru would continue to be saved by her over and over again.
I just felt so grateful that no words could describe it.
And yet, no matter where I look in this world, I can't find the words to convey that.
Still, I believed that she had gotten the message.
I wanted to believe. And that was why I wanted to convince myself that I was allowed to be by his side.
"Why don't you understand..."
"...Subaru."
Subaru: "I thought… that you, Emilia-tan, would understand…"
"The me inside Subaru is amazing."
That one word contained a sad sense of disconnection, a deep emotional gap.
As Subaru looked up in shock, Emilia averted her gaze and looked to the side.
A lonely smile appeared on his lips, and it seemed he was mocking himself, but also pitying Subaru who was throwing a childish tantrum when he didn't understand.
"I can understand everything, everything, without having to be told. I can feel Subaru's pain, sadness, and anger as if they were my own."
"...Ahh."
"--If you don't tell me, I won't know, Subaru."
Denied. Shattered. The illusion crumbles into pieces.
His shoulders became heavy, his whole body was enveloped in something invisible, and an intense wave of nausea hit Subaru. His vision spun around, and a murky, stagnant emotion swirled in his chest――
Emilia thought that he would understand everything without her having to say anything.
Emilia believed that Subaru's pain and sorrow were felt in the same way.
Emilia hoped that Subaru would understand and accept all of his feelings.
--It was such a fleeting, arrogant and self-centered imposition.
"My..."
It was denied. It was denied.
And so it was that which had fallen into this world, that I had believed in, that I had relied on.
He squeezed out all his life, gritted his teeth and endured the pain, and overcame the sadness while wiping away tears - all of it was for the sake of continuing to protect the idol he had envisioned.
That selfish utopia that never existed was about to collapse with a crash,
"All of this up until now..."
My lips tremble, my eyes burn, my tongue twitches, and my heart beats loudly.
He raised his head and met Emilia's eyes. Her amethyst eyes were filled with only sadness. His own face reflected in those eyes was so pitiful, so helpless.
"--Thanks to me, things have somehow worked out, right!?"
He let out a shriek, a voice so angry it shook the waiting room.
"Even at the stolen goods storehouse where your badge was stolen! I saved you from a damn dangerous murderer! I put my life on the line! It was all because I cared about you!!"
His fingertips tremble as he clutches the sheets, and blood begins to ooze from his palms where his nails are digging into them.
The screams were echoing and in distorted in parts, making it even more difficult to hear.
"The same goes for what happened at the mansion! You were nibbled at here and there, you were desperate! Your head was split open, your neck was blown off, and yet you still saved everyone in the village! I'm sure Rem and Ram too came out in the best possible shape! It's all because of me, I was there right!?"
List your accomplishments.
He enumerates all of his achievements as he can imagine, chasing after her shadow that is fading away.
"It would have been so much worse without me! Nobody would have been saved! Nobody, nobody, nobody! Everything, everything, everything! It was all because of me! It was all because of me!"
Emilia should have ended up dead in the stolen goods storehouse. The same goes for Felt and Grandpa Rom.
Even if they had overcome that, Rem would have died in the mansion, the villagers would have died, or the curse might have even turned its attention to Roswaal, Beatrice, and Ram who remained in the mansion. Naturally, there was also the possibility that this would put Emilia's life at risk.
It is my achievement to have eliminated all of them.
This was the result of Natsuki Subaru's actions, something to be proud of and rewarded.
Because I've done so much, because I've done so much,
"You owe me a debt that you'll never be able to repay--!!"
He screamed, betraying even the feelings that should have been the root cause of his actions.
His unrequited feelings, his vanity that desired praise, his desire to be fulfilled, his selfish desire to be loved - all these were what led Subaru, who was in the height of confusion, to this state.
And that was a decisive word for both of them.
"Yes, that's right."
A trembling voice was spoken to Subaru, whose forehead was covered in sweat and his breathing was rough.
The sound was one of understanding, resignation, and determination; in short, it was the end.
"I owe Subaru so, so much."
"Yeah, that's right. So I..."
"So let's give it all back and get this over with."
Subaru jumped up at the words that were spoken so clearly.
And as he saw only emptiness in Emilia's eyes as she gazed his way, Subaru reflected on what he had said and realized he had said something he could not take back.
I let myself get carried away, swept away by the torrent of emotion, and said things I shouldn't have said.
He trampled on even his purest, most fundamental feelings and ruined everything with the tantrum of a child.
If you consider the relationship between you and her to be one of "borrowing and lending," then
"No... No, no, no, no, that's not what I wanted to say..."
Once the balance of "borrowing and lending" is balanced, that's the end of the relationship.
This is inevitable once you bring self-interest into what should have been an action motivated by a selfless desire to do something.
「That's enough.――Natsuki Subaru.」
Ever since they first met, she had been calling Subaru by his first name.
When she called him by his full name, Subaru realised too late that there was nothing he could do.
Emilia doesn't offer a hand to the dejected Subaru.
She shook off her silver hair and turned her back to me,
"Rem will be coming later, so follow her. I'll leave everything that happens after we're back in the royal capital to her."
I can't reply, and I'm not expected to.
Emilia started to walk away. Subaru couldn't even muster the courage to see her off, let alone reach out to touch her back.
There is a physical distance, but even more so, there is an emotional distance.
"You see, I..."
Suddenly, Emilia stopped as she placed her hand on the door, and a mutter fell across the room.
Rather than speaking to Subaru, she spoke in a hushed voice, as if to herself,
"I had hopes. That maybe Subaru would… that Subaru would not treat me any differently. That he would see me like any other normal person, like a normal girl, without any discrimination…"
She was the one who asked for fair treatment in the Royal Selection Hall.
Being a half-elf must have caused her such painful times that even such a simple thing became a wish.
However,
"That's impossible."
Subaru also responded with a small murmur.
Emilia's monologue did not sound like she was asking for an answer from Subaru, and so Subaru's mutterings were not a response to her words, but something he was trying to make himself hear.
Ruminating on the words she had spoken, Subaru weakly and helplessly shook his head,
"Even if you brought every single person in the world into your life, you couldn't do it. You… you're the only one who wouldn't be able to look at Emilia the same way as other people."
That was his true, unmistakable truth.
The sound of the door closing came, and the air suddenly became silent.
Subaru was left alone in the room, curled up on his bed, his eyes wandering.
Suddenly, I noticed my robe getting caught on the edge of the bed and about to fall to the floor.
Reaching out, he grabbed it and embraced it. He felt as if the warmth of the person who had held it still remained there, and as if trying to hold on to the thing that was about to disappear, Subaru held it close to his chest.
--And on that day, for the first time, Natsuki Subaru was truly alone in another world.