The raft finally scraped against the pebbled edge of the Mirror Lake, groaning under the weight of drenched bodies and scorched wood. Ereshan slumped forward with a long, exhausted sigh, water still dripping from his hair. "Land. Sweet, blessed, non-aquatic land."
Mizuchi collapsed beside him, arms sprawled out, eyes closed. "No more koi. No more dragons. No more horny samurai and his feral lovers. Just silence. Sweet, awkward, kami-sent silence."
Unfortunately, silence was not on the menu. Behind them, Hajime was loudly whispering sweet, terrible things to Kiku, who sat on his lap like it was a throne. "—and then after dinner, I'll lick every inch of you like I licked that dragon's spine—"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF—" Ereshan clamped both hands over his ears. "Can we have five minutes without your 'I'm gonna eat you' monologue?!"
Kiku winked over Hajime's shoulder. "He did say fourteen rounds. I've only had three so far."
Mizuchi, face buried into the dirt now, muttered, "I'd rather be swallowed whole by that dragon's and resurrected as ghost than hear this again."
The raft finally settled against the shore. Ereshan stood up and stumbled onto land, kissing the ground dramatically. "I'm never going near a pond again. Baths included."
Hajime leapt onto shore with Kiku still in his arms. "Mirror Lake, you slippery devil! You've tried your best to drown us in koi, trauma, and teenage lust—"
"You're not a teenager," Mizuchi growled. "You're, like, eighty."
"Sixty-two!" Hajime barked. "And still got stamina like a thunder beast on wedding night!"
Kiku giggled in his arms. "He made the dragon jealous, you know."
Ereshan stared at them. "Kiku, how—why—do you even like him?"
She shrugged, arms around Hajime's neck. "He calls me pet, fights like a beast, and lets me be weird. What's not to like?"
"THE. PET. PART," Ereshan hissed.
Mizuchi waved them off. "Forget it, Eresh. If we fight them, we lose. If we question them, we lose. Just be glad we made it out alive."
As the group began climbing the narrow forest path that rose beyond the lake, the sky began to shimmer slightly, the mirror water rippling behind them as if watching their departure.
Ereshan glanced back. "You think... something else might come through that lake?"
"Hopefully just trauma," Mizuchi sighed. "We've already brought the real monsters with us."
Hajime squeezed Kiku. "Damn right. And this one bites."
Kiku bared her teeth playfully. "Only when I'm hungry."
Ereshan faintly whispered, "Kami… smite me now."
The path narrowed, swallowed by a sea of towering green stalks. The bamboo rustled without wind, tall as giants, creaking as if murmuring in ancient tongues. A chilling whisper slithered between the leaves.
Ereshan slowed his steps. "I don't like this…"
Mizuchi moved closer, lowering his voice. "This is the Haunted Bamboo Forest… I've read scrolls about it. Trees here whisper secrets—things they shouldn't know. They say if you listen too long, your own memories start betraying you—"
"—Like that time you cried because you thought your goldfish didn't love you back?" Ereshan smirked.
"Shut up, I was eight!"
Suddenly—
"Aaaahn.... Hajime.... not in the forest!"
Ereshan and Mizuchi jolted as Kiku, hanging onto Hajime's back like a backpack in heat, began moaning playfully while stroking his hair.
"Why are you moaning like that?" Mizuchi snapped. "We're in a CURSED FOREST!"
Hajime turned, grinning like a lunatic. "The trees whisper? Good. Let 'em listen to round fifteen!"
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN RESTED SINCE THE DRAGON!" Ereshan shouted.
"Exactly. That's called endurance," Hajime said, tapping his temple. "Old dog, new tricks."
Kiku nuzzled into him. "Mmm... his stamina is divine. I feel like a goddess already."
Mizuchi stumbled into a low branch. "I CAN'T THINK WITH THIS LEVEL OF AUDITORY FORNICATION."
The bamboo around them rustled louder, more frantic—like they were laughing. Ereshan tensed.
"Did you hear that?" he asked. "That wasn't wind."
"Whispers," Mizuchi said grimly. "The forest's reacting."
A hushed voice came from nowhere and everywhere all at once. "…you will betray them… your hands will be red…"
Ereshan froze. "Wh-What did it just say?"
Mizuchi's eyes darted around. "Don't listen! It's reading your fears."
Hajime snorted. "My biggest fear's running out of sake in the middle of a good kiss."
Kiku raised a finger. "Or realizing the old man can't go beyond round twenty...."
Ereshan and Mizuchi simultaneously stopped walking and screamed in anguish. "SHUT UP, KIKU!"
But the forest didn't laugh this time. The bamboo swayed violently. Shadows between the stalks deepened.
"Something's coming…" Mizuchi whispered.
Kiku suddenly went silent. She hopped off Hajime and walked ahead, posture changing. "I know this place. My clan was once the guardian of these trees."
"You're joking," Ereshan mumbled.
She turned back with an eerie grin. "Not everything about me is about breeding, you know."
Mizuchi leaned in. "Still... like 70%."
"ninety-five," Ereshan corrected.
Before more could be said, black mist coiled at their feet. Whispers returned. And this time, they weren't teasing.
The mist grew thicker, swirling like breath from a dead god. Bamboo trunks curved unnaturally now, and the forest no longer whispered secrets—it screamed them.
"He left you… they all will…"
"You are not a kami… just failure born of sin…"
"She'll choose him… not you…"
The voices weren't random. They spoke to each of them, seeding doubt like worms in the brain.
Ereshan froze. He saw—no, felt—images flash in his head: His mother crying, a broken blade, his own blood on the temple floor.
Mizuchi gasped, clutching his chest. Water ran backward in his mind, and he stood again at the River of Souls where his mother's spirit dissolved into nothing before he could say goodbye.
Hajime stared blankly, jaw clenched. For once, he was quiet.
Even Kiku was trembling. "No… not again…"
Suddenly, the bamboo parted ahead—not pushed, but willingly—revealing a shrine embedded in roots. Before it stood a figure: tall, veiled in light moss-green robes, long hair flowing like rain-soaked vines. The Guardian Spirit of the Bamboo Forest.
"You brought impurity here," it said, voice like thunder beneath a waterfall. "You were once chosen, Kiku-no-Hana."
Kiku bowed her head. "I know…"
The spirit glided forward, stopping in front of her. "You were to remain pure. To guard the seal of the Serpent Thread. Yet I feel it. The bond. The breach."
Kiku peeked up, biting her lip. "Technically… it was post-ritual?"
The Guardian narrowed its eyes. "And you chose him?"
It pointed at Hajime, who at this point had unbuttoned his shirt halfway and was grinning like a pervert during a wedding.
Hajime lifted a hand. "Hey! I'm loyal. Three kids, two heartbreaks, one sword. No STD."
Mizuchi stepped forward. "Look, uh… sacred spirit, honored forest… thing… can we not do this right now? We've been attacked by birds, snakes, kois, a dragon, and hormonal tension. We're just passing through!"
But the Guardian ignored him. Its arms extended—and the forest awakened. Dozens of bamboo stalks twisted into humanoid figures, their faces carved from bark and their eyes glowing faintly. One stepped toward Ereshan, morphing into his father's disappointed scowl. "Pathetic. All power, no purpose."
Another mimicked Mizuchi's mother. "You failed me at the river. You let me die."
They began to close in. Hajime sighed. "Alright. Round sixteen's postponed. Time for some therapy-by-sword."
Kiku leaped beside him. "Let me help. I might not be pure anymore, but I'm still a shrine maiden, damn it!"
They fought—elegant, chaotic, absurd. Ereshan slashed down illusions of guilt, Mizuchi summoned water ribbons to bind regrets, and Hajime—Hajime literally threw Kiku like a sexy javelin into a spirit's face while screaming, "GO, MY TEMPLE-TAINTING QUEEN!"
Kiku landed with a flip, elbowed a ghost in the throat, and moaned out loud. "This is better than round twelve!"
Ereshan vomited. Mizuchi dry-heaved. "Why do they flirt in combat?!"
Eventually, as light burst from Kiku's palms and Hajime's blade clashed with the Guardian's staff, the illusions faded. The spirit faltered.
"You… you still carry power," it murmured. "You are ruined, but not unworthy."
Then it looked at Ereshan, curious now. "…You. The stone bearer. Take this path. But beware. Beyond this forest, the mountain does not forgive mistakes. Nor does the one who sleeps upon it."
And with that, the bamboo parted once again, revealing a path shrouded in white mist. They stumbled forward.
Mizuchi rubbed his temples. "One day, just one day, I want a quest without psychosexual combat or seductive exorcists."
Ereshan groaned. "I want a sandwich."
Behind them, Kiku climbed back onto Hajime's back, whispering something unspeakable in his ear.
He chuckled, "Boys, she said she's ready for round seventeen under moonlight."
Mizuchi and Ereshan both screamed.