The rest of the journey was cloaked with silence.
A silence I was happy to keep.
I felt the sudden cold shift that told me we had passed through a Gate, and a few moments later the carriage rolled to a dead halt.
My stomach churned.
Skelter's funeral.
Despite Thanason's words, I couldn't help but feel like an imposter. I wouldn't be like the rest of them, the other attendees. They would grieve. Cry.
Or at the very least bow their heads in respect for a brave warrior now fallenn
Whereas I, I felt nothing but cheated.
Not grief. Definitely not grief.
I'd never grieve for that bastard.
But I did feel a form of loss. Like I had lost something worthless. Something pointless and pathetic to the point I never even knew I had it.
But once I had lost it, did I only realise how very beautiful it could've been.
And so I still mourned. Not for what it was, but for what it could've been.
That's exactly what I felt.
Cheated out of something that could've been so very valuable, but now never would.
The grandeur of the ceremony surprised me as I stepped out. It seemed to be so at odds with the rough and brutal personality of Skelter that for a moment I thought we'd arrived at the wrong place.
Who knew the old bastard could warrant something so respected?
It was crammed with Thoracen pomp and tradition. There were lines of soldiers. A row of them held trumpets, playing out a sad mournful tune, while another line had their sword drawn. Each one raised heigh in stiff salute for the fallen soldier.
All of it only served to make me feel more out of place. Thanason had already disappeared with the body, so I approached the ceremony with Officer Mara.
After a while, the body was finally brought out. They had managed to extricate Skelter from the armour, healing all of his wounds to make it look as if he had only been sleeping.
He was lowered underneath the Earth, his body finally laid to rest. They allowed his close family and friends to stand close over his body, giving them time to see the corpse before it was buried.
I made sure to retreat to the far back. If the closer places were reserved for loved ones, then it seemed that my place should be as far away as I could be.
It was Thanason who gave the eulogy afterwards. It was heartfelt, and gruff. Touching in a way I never knew the General was capable off.
'They must've known each other' I confirmed. There was no other reason he'd be here otherwise.
After the speech, attendees mingled and spoke. All of them conversing with sad expression or longing smiles.
I didn't.
They were soldiers.
I was a prisoner.
They were loved ones.
I was the reason he was dead.
Instead I hovered around the edges of conversation, like a vampire lurking at the boundary, uninvited and ignored.
That was just fine with me.
Some of them glanced at me, eyeing me like a shadow at the edge of the campfire. In their eyes I could see it.
They knew.
They could see I didn't belong.
There were no tears on my cheeks, no longing smile. No gruff respect.
There was just me.
Some of them ignored me, others shot filthy looks. But no one said anything, no one did anything. They just moved on from me, ignoring me like a stain on tablecloth.
Just as I began wondering if I should ask to leave, a woman approached me. She had short brown hair the curved around her ears, and tear-streaked cheeks. Two young girls clung to her dress, round eyes red and swollen.
She stood next to me, saying nothing for a moment.
And neither did i.
What could I say? 'I'm sorry for your loss?' I wasn't.
'I knew him well?' I didn't.
And so I chose silence, wishing that I could be anywhere but here. Feeling like a bastard fox amongst hens.
"Did you know him? I don't think we've met before." She eventually asked.
"I-well, no, not very well."
"I see."
"He saved my life" I blurted out, compelled to tell her for some reason. "He saved me from a MageKnight."
She smiled softly, her expression a picture of longing.
My chest tightened when I saw that smile. An overwhelming urge to get away took hold over me. To run, to be anywhere but here.
"I'm sorry" I spoke up again. "But who are you?"
"I-I was his wife."
My heart plummeted. With fresh eyes I looked at her again. Then at the two children clinging to her dress.
'No. He was a...'
A sharp pain clawed at my heart, so strong I almost staggered. I retreated from Skelter's wife, backing away as if her presence burned.
'Why the hell did you save me?'
Tears rushed to my eyes. Guilt clawing it's away out of my body in thick, hot tears.
'I'm the reason why her husband is dead.'
I couldn't stop them.
Futilely, I tried wiping them away, tried to cram the emotions down again. But the lid was open now, and it would not be resealed.
"Are you ok?" She asked, her expression concerned.
I almost laughed. "Am I okay?" I repeated, my voice sharp with self-loathing."I'm sorry, that's what I am."
She stepped closer, but I couldn't bear for her to be any closer. I stepped back again, keeping my distance.
The words bubbled out of me. The confusion, the guilt, and a new emotion now, grief.
Not because I cared for Skelter. No, but because Skelter had saved me. And because of that, his wife would be a widow. Her children left to grow old without their father.
Because of me.
"It's because of me. All of it. He died saving my life. He didn't like me but he didn't anyway. I'm sorry, I'm so sor-"
My words cut of as she moved in a blur. Instinctively I raised my arms in defence, expecting her to wail down on me with grief and rage.
But she never.
Instead…she hugged me.
Bringing me in close in a tight, warm embrace.
I froze.
The warmth was foreign…almost jarring.
But…I didn't hate it.
'How long has it been since I've been hugged like this. As though by a mother.'
The rest of my grief, the rest of my tears all surged forward in a fresh wave.
All of it.
Marsh, my old family, Sera even. The feeling of homesickness I never knew existed, and the yearning I felt to meet my dear little sister. The only family I considered left to me.
All of it was let out, as I clung to the woman who had every reason to hate me, but instead, had chosen to comfort.
After a moment, when the tears had ended, I stepped back. Quickly rubbing away any evidence that I'd been crying pathetically a moment before.
She smiled at me again.
I couldn't bear to see it, dropping my eyes to the floor.
"Visit me sometime Arthur, don't be a stranger, okay?"
I nodded silently, watching as she walked away, both children in tow.
'I need some quiet.'
My mind was a wreck, a tangle of emotions and buried feelings. I'd cried more in this past month than I'd ever done in my previous years as Arthur.
It was embarrassing. There were too many unresolved issues. Issues that needed to be fixed. But honestly, I was just too damn tired to deal with them all.
Lost in my thoughts, I continued wandering aimlessly.
Only to come to a dead halt. I looked around.
I was alone.
There was no one watching me. Or keeping an eye on me. All of them were at the funeral.
'I could run away' I realised.
'I could live a new life, free of all this shit. Of all the burden.'
It was tempting. Truly temping.
My eyes feasted on the endless nothing ahead of me.
No fighting, no war, no one to stop me.
'I can get some peace.'
But then I thought of Noah. Of Sera, Of Marsh, Of Skelter and his wife, and the countless other soldiers bleeding out on the battlefield.
And instead of running….
I laughed.
I laughed at myself.
I laughed like a dead man.
Ahead of me was the chance at freedom. The chance to abandon it all…
And I turned my back on it, making my way back to Skelter's funeral.
'They've really given me a damn good leash.'