[ Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Chandler is playing poker.]
Chandler: (entering) Hey.
All: Hey!
Monica: So how was Joan?
Chandler: I broke up with her.
Ross: Don't tell me, because of the big nostril thing?
Chandler: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
Rachel: Come on, they were not that huge.
Chandler: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back; I could see her brain.
Roy: Did she charge rent? 'Cause I could use some extra storage.
Monica: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
Joey: Hold it, hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl—really hot, great kisser—but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
Chandler: (To Ross) You or me?
Ross: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: You guys are messing with me, right?
All: Yeah.
Joey: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."
[ Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is getting Ross and Chandler a beer. Roy is on the couch next to Chandler.]
Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for an actual real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.
Roy: (mock-serious) Wait, hating Yanni isn't a baseline compatibility check?
Chandler: Thank you! Roy gets it!
(There's a knock on the door.)
Monica: (opening the door) Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. Heckles: You're doing it again.
Monica: We're not doing anything.
Mr. Heckles: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
Rachel: You don't have birds.
Mr. Heckles: I could have birds.
Roy: (quietly to Chandler) I could have a spaceship, but here we are.
Monica: Okay, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
Mr. Heckles: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
Rachel: All right, bye-bye.
(Monica closes the door.)
Chandler: Okay, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
Ross: We'll give you Janice.
Phoebe: I miss Janice though. (Imitating Janice) "Hello, Chandler Bing."
Rachel: (doing Janice) "Oh, my, god."
Joey: (doing Janice) "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"(He turns around and everyone is staring at him.)
Roy: (grinning) Joey, were you possessed by her?
(Mr. Heckles bangs on his ceiling.)
Monica: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
(She stomps in protest. Heckles bangs again, which is answered by Monica and Rachel. Heckles bangs yet again, which is answered by everyone—Roy stomp with both feet off the couch.)
Roy: That was for the imaginary birds.
(There is no response.)
Rachel: We won. We won!
[Cut to a man wrapped up in a sheet being wheeled out on a gurney with the gang and Mr. Treeger looking on.]
Monica: Mr. Heckles...
Rachel: How did this happen?
Mr. Treeger: He musta been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.
Monica: That's terrible.
Mr. Treeger: I know. I was sweeping yesterday. It could have been me.
Ross: Sure, you could have. You never know.
Mr. Treeger: You never know.
Roy: (softly) That broom really swept him off his feet, huh...
(Everyone gives him a small look. Roy shrugs.)
[ Monica and Rachel's, the next day. ]
Phoebe: Okay, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. (Screaming) Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
Chandler: Okay, Phoebe.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. (Everyone groans) That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Joey: Such as?
Phoebe: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda Triangle, or evolution?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Nah. Not really.
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
Roy: (mouth full) To be fair, Ross, if evolution's real, Joey would've evolved into a better poker player by now.
Joey: (offended) Hey!
Ross: come on! The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is—it's not a joke, it's a scientific fact! Like, like the air we breathe, like gravity!
Phoebe: Okay, don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick Pheebs, hop on the ceiling.
(Monica opens the door.)
Mr. Treeger: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
Monica: What can we do for you?
Mr. Boyle: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "The noisy girls in the apartment above mine."
Monica: Well, what about his family?
Mr. Boyle: He didn't have any.
Rachel: Ok, so let's talk money.
Mr. Boyle: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. (To Monica) You be noisy girl number one, (To Rachel) you be noisy girl number two.
Monica: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?
[ Mr. Heckles' apartment, the gang is looking over Monica and Rachel's inheritance.]
Monica: Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
Rachel: Have you ever seen so much crap?
Chandler: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.
Joey: Check this out. Can I have this? (He holds up a giant magnifying glass on a stand.)
Roy: Only if you're wearing pants while standing in front of it
Joey: Ugh, why do you have to ruin my plan?
Chandler: Oh, the humanity!
[Cut to Phoebe and Ross.]
Ross: How can you not believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
Ross: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.
Phoebe: Really? You can actually see it?
Ross: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
Phoebe: See, I didn't know that.
Ross: Well, there you go.
Phoebe: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Chandler: (holding a book) Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."
Joey: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes home with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
Chandler: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well, that's excellent.
Roy: (peeking over his shoulder) Ooh, May 2nd. "Sarcastic beanpole laughs too loudly at own jokes." That one's you, Chandler.
Chandler: (dryly) Well, it's nice to be remembered.
Rachel: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. (She's holding a lamp made from seashells.) Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Monica: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.
Rachel: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girlie clock or anything—which, by the way, I also think is very cool. (It's a girl in a bikini and pasties standing behind an alarm clock.)
Monica: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.
Rachel: What about my stuff?
Monica: You don't have any stuff.
Rachel: This will be the start of my stuff!
Monica: Mmm… no.
Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Monica: No.
Rachel: Yes, you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
Monica: Mmmmm.
Rachel: Okay, while you "mmm" on it for a while, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
[Cut to Ross and Phoebe.]
Ross: Okay, Pheebs. (Holding up two toy dinosaurs) See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
Ross: It's not a belief system, it's science! Like math. One plus one equals two. I can't just stand by and let you think one plus one might equal three, or four, or—yellow!
Phoebe: Why not? What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think... I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Roy: Careful, Pheebs. You'll find he's made mostly of fossils and panic.
Ross: (to Chandler) Is there blood coming out of my ears?
Chandler: Only if that's evolution's way of bailing out.
Joey: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.
Chandler: Wow, he looks so normal.
Phoebe: He's even kind of cute.
Joey: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school."
Chandler:Funniest? Heckles?
Joey: That's what it says.
Chandler: Wow. Heckles was voted class clown. And so was I.(There's a banging coming from upstairs.)He was right. Would you listen to that?
Phoebe: I'd call that excessive.
Chandler: Whoa!
Joey: What?
Chandler: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was—well, there was no club—but I sure thought they were cool.
Roy: (grinning) Okay, so you're saying if we let this place rot long enough, one day we'll find your ghost yelling at a ceiling in a bathrobe?
Chandler: (staring) That's... way too plausible.
Joey: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.
Roy: Dork solidarity, man. Embrace it. Own the clarinet. Play it angry.
Chandler: I just think it's weird, you know?(The banging is back.)Heckles and me, Heckles and me, me and Heckles…(He picks up the broom and bangs on the ceiling.)Would you knock it off?!(Everyone stares.)(realizes) Bah! (He throws the broom down.)
Roy: (nodding solemnly) Step one: irritation. Step two: clarinet. Step three: full Heckles.
[Mr. Heckles' Apartment, Chandler is in one of Heckles' old robes and sitting on the couch.]
(Joey and Roy entering)
Joey: Have you been here all night?
Chandler: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. (As he mentions each name and description, he hands a picture to Joey.) Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
Joey: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.
Chandler: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
Joey: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.
Chandler: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it 'supposebly?'
Joey: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
Chandler: How do you know that? How?
Joey: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.
Chandler: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
Joey: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?
Roy: Chandler… you want me to be honest with you about this whole Heckles thing?
Chandler: (sighs) Yeah… but not fully.
Roy: Got it. Honesty with training wheels. So here it is: I think… you're probably going to take a wife. A beautiful wife. You're not going to end up alone. I believe in you.
Chandler: (looks at Roy, surprised) Really?
Roy: (nods) Really.
Chandler: (softly, genuinely) Thanks, man. I'm not gonna end up like Heckles… (stands up, more confident) I'll see you guys later.
[Chandler pats Roy on the shoulder, gives Joey a nod, and exits the apartment.]
Joey: (after a beat) You really believe what you just said?
Roy: (smirks) It may sound surprising… but yeah. I do.
Joey: (grinning) All right then. How 'bout we make a bet? Chandler gets married before you and me.
Roy: Deal.
Joey: If I win, I want—big pizza. Big pizza store money. Like… rich guy cheese.
Roy: Deal. But if I win, I want the first slice of your special pizza, Joey
Joey: Huh!! Two pizzas, you bastard. Deal.
[ Central Perk, Chandler is telling everyone about his phone call.]
Phoebe:Janice? You called Janice?
Chandler: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
Ross: You remember Janice, right?
Roy: Loud laugh, slight chaos in heels? Yeah, hard to forget.
Chandler: No. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
Janice: (entering, very pregnant) Hellooo!!
Chandler: (deadpan) Oh…my…God.
Joey: (to Chandler) Geez, look how fat she got.
Roy: Joey! (gestures to Janice) She's pregnant, not a balloon animal.
Janice: (beaming) Hey, it's everybody!
Chandler: Janice, you're…
Janice: Yes, I am.
Chandler: Is it…
Janice: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. (She flashes her ring.)
Roy: (whispers to Phoebe) So we're pretending this isn't a soap opera now?
Phoebe: (nods) Just go with it.
Chandler: Congratulations.
Janice: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Chandler: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?
Janice: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.
Roy: (to Chandler, under his breath) You sure know how to pick 'em.
Chandler: (sighs) I miss the robe phase of my breakdown already.
[ Mr. Heckles' Apartment, everyone is finishing cleaning up the apartment as Monica walks up to Rachel carrying the girlie clock.]
Rachel: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?
Monica: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
Rachel: Thank you.
(The clock sounds its alarm by whistling and having the girl shake her hips.)
Monica: That's fine.
Chandler: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman Alison, from work—she's great. She's pretty. She's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
Roy: (smirking) Chandler 2.0—now with less fear and more forehead tolerance.
Joey: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
Chandler: I'll take that.
Joey: You want his yearbook?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.
Roy: (softly) Maybe he just wanted to be remembered. Don't we all?
Monica: Oh gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but he was a person.
(She ends up standing behind the magnifying glass and everyone is laughing.)
Roy: (trying not to laugh) Monica, I swear I'm being respectful… but your ass is huge right now.
Monica: (realizes) You're all going to hell.
Rachel: It's really not that big!
(Joey grabs the magnifying glass and walks out.)
Chandler: (To Joey) Takin' that with you, huh?
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Ross: You comin'?
Chandler: Yeah, just a second.
Chandler: Good-bye, Mr. Heckles.