Hikigaya blinked up at the sky again, still dazed, the last traces of that fading dream clinging to his head like fog.
Ayanokoji waited a moment before speaking. "…Think you can sit up?"
"Y-Yeah… I think so." He pushed himself up slowly, got to his feet, and asked, "How long was I out?"
"Around fifteen minutes, I suppose."
"Fifteen minutes… huh." Hikigaya rubbed his temples. "That's a decent nap, I guess."
They moved over to the nearest bench by the gym wall. He sat down heavily, still rubbing his forehead as he tried to regain his bearings.
Before either of them could speak—
"Oi, you alright?"
Two seniors from the basketball club had stopped nearby, towels slung over their shoulders.
"Hey, first-year," one of them said, leaning forward a little. "Saw you go down earlier. You good?"
"Yeah… I'm fine," Hikigaya muttered.
"Good. Just making sure."
The senior clicked his tongue. "That redhead idiot was in a mood again, huh?"
"…Right."
"You were talking to Sudo, yeah? Man, that guy's trouble. Best keep your distance."
The other senior clapped his hands lightly. "Anyway, drink something, don't die."
With that, they shook their heads and walked off without waiting for a reply.
"…Uh, thanks," Hikigaya said to no one in particular.
"…You sure you're alright?"
Hikigaya let out a tired breath. "I said I'm fine. You don't have to keep asking."
Ayanokoji didn't argue. Instead, he reached into his pocket and quietly placed a familiar yellow can in Hikigaya's hand.
Hikigaya stared at it. "…MAX Coffee?"
Ayanokoji shrugged. "You look like you needed it."
He shot him a suspicious look.
Ayanokoji said plainly, "Since you suggested it to me a few days ago, I've been drinking it a lot too. I was going to have this one after I ate my lunch, but… looking at you now, I think it's better if you have it."
He blinked, staring at the can… then at Ayanokoji. '…He's fallen for it? Just like that? I thought it was just a one-time thing when I gave him that can that day. And now he's buying them on his own? Is this what parental pride feels like? No this is deeper. This is the birth of a true MAX Coffee disciple. My teachings live on.'
He cleared his throat and tried to act like it didn't matter. "...Well. Good choice."
"So… you'll drink it?"
Hikigaya clicked the tab open with unnecessary dignity. "Obviously. A true man never rejects MAX Coffee."
He took a long sip. The overly sweet, sugary rush hit his tongue, instantly cutting through the lingering bitterness of the panic attack. 'Mhmm….'
Ayanokoji sat beside him quietly, for a moment, it seemed like he wasn't going to say anything at all.
Then, almost like a passing comment, he said. "…You looked a little shaken when you woke up."
Hikigaya blinked. "Shaken? I looked shaken?"
"You were breathing a bit hard and muttering something," Ayanokoji replied. "Nothing serious. You just seemed a little tense when you woke up."
"Breathing hard…? Mut-tering…?" He paused. "Wait, don't tell me you were just… staring at me the whole time while I was out."
"I was waiting for you to wake up. Leaving an unconscious person alone like that didn't seem right to me."
Hikigaya couldn't help but shiver. 'He says it so normally, but… just picturing him sitting there, staring at me muttering in my sleep with that blank face… It's terrifying. It's definitely creepier than any horror movie.'
"You're… strangely attentive, huh, Ayanokoji?" Hikigaya said, sarcasm dripping from his voice to hide the creeped-out feeling.
"Uh… I'll take that as a compliment."
"You… probably shouldn't. I meant it in the 'disturbing' sense."
"…Disturbing? That's… pretty mean, Hikigaya."
He sighed and took another sip of MAX Coffee, letting the sweetness settle his nerves. "Anyway… since you were apparently watching me. I'm guessing you saw what happened between me and Sudo too, right?"
Ayanokoji didn't deny it. "More or less. I came here to talk to Sudo as well, so I was already close by. You two were in the middle of something, so I didn't think it would be wise to interrupt."
"I see…" Hikigaya muttered.
Ayanokoji leaned back against the bench, as he continued "Sudo seemed really upset today."
"Yeah."
Ayanokoji commented, "By the way… those seniors mentioned something while you were out."
Hikigaya raised an eyebrow. "About what?"
"The selection for the main team," Ayanokoji replied. "It happened just now. Because of his hand injury, Sudo couldn't make it. They said he actually got pretty close. Even with that injury, he still played well."
"I see…" Hikigaya murmured.
'Ahh… dammit. Just my great luck, arriving at the worst possible time.' he thought.
He had expected Sudo to be down after that day, maybe sulking or drowning in self-pity. It would've been the perfect chance to pull him to his side.
But instead, that sadness had twisted into aggression. Failing so close to the main team because of an injury… he must have felt like the world had cheated him out of the one thing he had left, especially after everything he had already put him through.
No wonder his anger wasn't the usual loud, impulsive outburst. There was a weight behind it this time.
His eyes drifted to a basketball rolling across the ground in front of them. Then, almost reluctantly, he asked, "So… what's your take on it? Since you saw the whole thing."
"…I don't know the details," Ayanokoji said, "but it looks like there's a lot of bad blood between You, Sudo, Ike and Yamauchi… the mood around all of you has been pretty tense lately."
"And the injuries on both you and Sudo… it's not hard to guess a fight happened, right?"
"You seem to know pretty much everything then," Hikigaya muttered under his breath.
Ayanokoji didn't comment on that.
Hikigaya exhaled slowly. "…Alright then. Thanks for the drink."
He started to stand, but Ayanokoji spoke again.
"Hikigaya."
He paused mid-step and glanced back. "What now?"
Ayanokoji's tone was mild, "Before you go… can I ask you something?"
Hikigaya hesitated. He had a bad feeling; whatever Ayanokoji wanted to ask wasn't going to be pleasant. Still, he let out a resigned sigh and turned fully around. "Fine. Make it quick. Lunch break's almost over."
Ayanokoji watched him for a second, as if choosing his words carefully.
"…Hikigaya, do you really not care about finding a place for yourself here? About belonging anywhere in this school?"
'Belonging? That's… an odd thing to bring up. Not the kind of question people ask casually. Is he really curious about something like that?'
He blinked in surprise taken aback by the sudden, abstract question. "Hah? What kind of question is that?"
"It's just something I've been wondering," Ayanokoji said evenly. "Ever since you started raising your hand in class every day… and even more after the pool incident. It made me think, do you dislike this place that much?"
Hikigaya frowned, scratching the back of his neck. "Hate it? No… I don't hate it. It's a school. It is what it is."
"…Then why does it feel like you're trying so hard to stay on the outside?"
Hikigaya stiffened. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not accusing you," Ayanokoji added calmly. "It's just… everything you've been doing lately seems to push people away from you. Most of the class either dislikes you or looks down on you, and that argument with Sudo today only reinforces that."
"Things happened the way they did. I had my reasons for… all of that."
Ayanokoji regarded him quietly. "Are those reasons really worth burning every bridge between you and the class? Or even… trying to enjoy your first year of high school?"
He shrugged slightly, as if stating a simple fact. "Trying? I've seen this play out enough times to know where it ends. Even if I hadn't done what I did, it would've happened sooner or later anyway."
Ayanokoji tilted his head. "But how can you be so sure? You haven't even actually tried."
Hikigaya sighed. "Trying or not trying doesn't change the destination. It just changes how long it takes to get there. I'm choosing the shorter route."
Ayanokoji gave him a small, unreadable look. "You talk like someone who already knows the ending."
"Let's just say I've read this book before."
"…So that's how you see it," Ayanokoji said quietly. "But if the ending was already decided, then the choices you made getting there… shouldn't matter. Right?"
Hikigaya's brow twitched in confusion. "Shouldn't matter…?"
Ayanokoji went on,
"I don't know what your reasons are, or what it is you actually want," he said. "And honestly… I'm not sure if any of it is right or wrong. But seeing how things played out… it's hard not to wonder if there wasn't another path you could've taken."
Hikigaya blinked, thrown off by the wording. "…Another path?"
Ayanokoji's eyes drifted briefly before returning to him.
"Does it really have to turn out like this, Hikigaya?" he asked. "Watching how people react to you these days… and then hearing you talk like the ending was already fixed… it feels like there's more to this than just a 'reason.'"
Hikigaya went still after hearing that.
A dull weight pressed lightly against his thoughts, the kind he usually dismissed before it could form into anything real.
But still he frowned and asked. "Tch…What's that supposed to mean?"
Ayanokoji took a moment before answering,
"…It feels less like you're accepting the ending and more like you're guiding yourself to it."
The moment he heard those words Hikigaya's fingers tightened around the MAX Coffee can just a small clench, barely noticeable, but enough to betray something slipping in his composure.
'Guiding myself to it…?'
A whisper from before surfaced in his mind.
'Then answer me this. Why are you doing all of this?'
'Guiding myself to it…? What are you even saying…?'
'Why go this far?'
'Guiding myself to it…? Why would you say that…?'
'What's the real reason, Hachiman?'
'Guiding myself to it…? …No, that's not—
'What are you trying to prove… and for whom?'
'I did… I did it for the survival of this class. Their failure would be mine too. I did it to prevent this evaluation from turning into a disaster. It was necessary. Because I didn't want to get dragged down with their failure and suffer the consequences… and risk my chances of establishing my connection with Komachi outside being reduced.'
But was that all?
He wanted to deny it by saying all this.
Because it was all true. That really was the reason.
But…
But deep down, he knew Ayanokoji had struck a nerve, and a heavier truth began to settle in his stomach. The realization felt suffocating as a question slowly rose in his mind.
Why did he choose to do things this way? Why not any of the countless other options that would've made more sense? Why pick the one that led him straight into isolation?
And why even do it in the first place? It's not like the world would've collapsed just because he failed along with everyone else.
The pressure on his chest intensified.
'It was never completely about the class or the punishment or the consequences, was it?'His own thoughts answered as he started to see things with uncomfortable clarity.
It was all about the role.
He had taken the path of maximum distance. the one where he ended up disliked and judged… because, in a strange and twisted way, he had grown a little too comfortable with it.
He hadn't been acting to prevent disaster; he had been acting to secure his comfort zone.
Only now did it hit him that he'd been searching for a justification to cling to his lonely life, and the class's problems had handed him the perfect, noble-sounding excuse. By creating conflict and casting himself as the unwanted solution, the protective barrier around him only grew stronger.
Why? Because for him, it was so comfortable this way. He didn't have to try anymore, didn't have to risk rejection, didn't have to manage expectations.
And with that, he could tell himself it couldn't be helped that this was simply the way things were meant to go.
"…Heh… heh… ha…" His fingers tightened around the MAX Coffee can again, metal creaking faintly under his grip.
"…So that's it, huh?" he muttered to himself. "I was doing things in the most half-assed way possible."
He looked up at Ayanokoji, eyes narrowed in a mix of irritation and reluctant acknowledgement. "…You know, Ayanokoji. You're a very, very, very scary person."
Ayanokoji blinked once, expression flat but almost confused. "Scary? I didn't do anything."
He scoffed. "Then that makes it even scarier."
Ayanokoji shook his head lightly, "I wasn't trying to corner you. I just… commented on what you said. Nothing more. If it sounded like something else, that wasn't my intention."
It was the kind of excuse that sounded so simple, so harmless, that rejecting it felt pointless.
Hikigaya let out a long, tired sigh. "…If that's what you want to say, then sure. We'll go with that."
Ayanokoji watched him for a moment, "…Seems like you're not convinced huh."
Hikigaya rolled his eyes. "No, no, I am very convinced. Extremely. So don't worry."
Ayanokoji paused, looking down at his own hands for a second. "I'm not lying, though. I can relate to you to some extent. I've actually often wondered if friends are really necessary myself."
He looked up, meeting Hikigaya's eyes. "In Junior High… I never had friends. I almost never interacted with anyone outside of what was absolutely required. I spent all my time alone."
Hikigaya snorted softly. "Not exactly surprising to hear. You've got the 'mysterious loner' vibe down pretty naturally, you know."
"…Mysterious loner?" Ayanokoji repeated. "I don't think I'm like that. I'm just as normal as anyone else around here… I suppose."
Hikigaya let out a short breath somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "Yeah, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
He shifted his weight a little, adjusting his stance. "So, what changed now? if you were fine with being alone back then, what changed? You're trying pretty hard to make friends now. Why the sudden shift?"
"Because this time… I feel like that might not be the case," Ayanokoji answered. "High school is a fresh start. For someone like me… chances like this are rare. I realized that if I didn't reach out now, I might never understand what I was missing."
"…Is that so." He answered, the words were simple, almost generic, yet they carried a strange weight coming from someone like Ayanokoji. 'A fresh start, huh?'
"That's why I felt like pointing it out," Ayanokoji continued. "Whatever reasons you have, Hikigaya… they might not be worth burning every bridge you have left. Chances like these, to start over, to try something different, they don't come twice."
Hikigaya looked away, first at the can in his hand, then at the ball on the ground.
"Well… I'll keep that in mind," He muttered vaguely.
But inside his mind, the gears were turning. 'He's right about one thing. I can't keep doing this in a half-assed way.'
With Sudo… he couldn't just antagonize him and call it a day and blackmailing him like Ike and Yamauchi was out of the question. The task he needed him for wouldn't work under pressure or fear. Sudo wasn't built that way.
Which only meant one thing. The way he'd handled things until now… that was the old method.
The lazy method.
And if he wanted to prove he wasn't just running away this time, he'd have to approach Sudo differently.
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets, the resolve settling in quietly.
"Well… I should get going, then" Hikigaya said.
He took a step, then stopped. A sudden memory surfaced, a voice far warmer than the humid afternoon air.
'I just… I want you to try. Even if it's hard. Even if it sucks sometimes. Try to find something that makes you happy, okay?'
Komachi's words. The promise he made before leaving home.
He had almost forgotten about it since he made up his mind about doing this. Because a part of him he rarely acknowledged still wanted to stay far away from it… even when his darling Imouto had asked him for it.
He turned back to Ayanokoji one last time.
"Hey, Ayanokoji."
"Yeah?"
Hikigaya gestured vaguely at the empty can. "Thanks… for earlier. And for the MAX Coffee. Next time, it'll be my treat."
Ayanokoji blinked, seemingly surprised by the offer, then gave a small nod. "Really? I'll look forward to it then."
He lifted his hand in a half-wave and began heading toward the school building.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Author's Note:
So hey, this chapter is finally done, and I hope it turned out alright.
Before anything else, I should probably admit something. At this point, it has unintentionally become a habit for me to break chapters like this, and I'm really sorry about that. I originally planned to include the Sudo part too, but even though I already know what I want to do with it, I couldn't get the dialogues or the flow to come out the way I envisioned. It felt like I hit a small block there, so I want a bit more time to get it right.
So, in the meantime, since the Ayanokoji part was already finished, I figured I might as well upload this instead of widening the gap too much. I'll try not to take too long with the next one.
Also, this chapter was beta-read by 'CacciaFulmini'. You should definitely check out his work, "MY FATE IS WRONG! As Expected," on FF.net. It's a pretty good story.
Other than that, if anything feels off, whether it is pacing, structure, character interactions, or anything else, please let me know. Your feedback really helps me improve.
Thank you again for giving this story a chance. Your comments and encouragement mean a lot to me and genuinely keep me motivated to keep writing.
If you feel like supporting my work, a small tip here would really mean a lot.
ko-fi.com/raijinmaru_k2
Stay tuned for more.
— Raijinmaru_K2