It was morning, a very sunny morning. I was preparing coffee for my brothers. The sky was clear, the Sunrays gently touching the window, the birds were chirping too. I gazed out of the window, mixing instant coffee powder in milk. The sound of the metal spoon hitting the cup echoing in the silent kitchen.
Despite, the weather being so nice, my mood didn't seem to match it. I was still gloomy about what had happened the previous day. The voice of his silent sobs echoing in my ears, the evening had been playing in my head on replay nonstop. It was like a loop I couldn't escape. Those sobs were a silent scream for help. Yet, I couldn't help him. My family is well off. But asking them to help my friend seemed wrong somehow. I know his family would be too proud to ask for help. And just giving them financial aid seemed wrong. As if it would be too disrespectful. Disrespectful to their sacrifices.
In this moment I felt truly helpless. I felt like a sorry excuse for a friend. Truly a sorry excuse.
The coffee had completely dissolved in the milk. Yet, I kept on stirring. Lost in my own thoughts, murmuring something to myself. What was I even doing? Why couldn't I find a way to help him. Am I so useless?
'What do I even tell her?' I could hear him say that.
It wasn't about the money or about the amount of work he had to do. It was about the feeling of being lost, of not knowing what to do, of feeling useless, of felling like a failure. He felt the pain of not being able to comfort a loved one.
Listening to him awoke another realization in me. After losing my mother, my father would have felt the same as Rudraksh mother. He must have sat in a room cluching her photograph and crying while little me peacefully slept. I don't wanna know how it feels to lose the love of your life. Someone you truly cared about and dreamet of growing old with.
I could picture him standing there crying and crying. As a kid I was truly naive and ignorant, I let him suffer alone in the dark. How broken he must have felt?
"Chandni! How long do you intent to stir?" Asked my aunt
I just gave her a nervous laugh.
"Is something bothering you?"
"Kinda, I just found a book's ending disturbing."
"Don't think so deeply about fiction."
By the look at her face I know she wasn't exactly satisfied. But she didn't push the matter further.
After I was done I came back and sat on my chair, staring at nothing. I regret not noticing the hurt in Rudraksh's eyes earlier. I have been lost in myself, now haven't I? How did I become so ignorant?
Just then my phone buzzed with a text. It was from Rudraksh.
'Thanks for listening.
You have this thing about you, it feels as if we can trust you with our secrets.'
I didn't know what to reply. He texted again.
'Could you maybe help me with current and electricity?'
'Sure!'
'Four, works for you?'
'Yeah, city library?'
'Done.'
****************
It was three - fifty both of us were seated at a corner table. I started explaining the concepts to him. Soon we were solving the questions. He has quite the temper issues so he was scrambling on the paper again and again.
I explained the question again. Although he didn't grasp it. He had a cute confused look on his face. Why do this moment seem familiar? Maybe just a deja vu.
"Let's take a break." I suggested.
And so we headed to the same park I had gone to with Siddhant. As I had expected the park was blooming with life. Kids laughing, running around, flowers filling up the park with their fragrance. The weather was still hot though. The sun rays seemed a little intense.
We were walking around the park. He was in front of me and I was following him. Both of us were silent but it wasn't the painful silence it was, the comforting one.
Suddenly he stopped and turned a little back to look at me. We were under the shade of a tree.
"I am sorry for yesterday. I was a mess, wasn't I?"
"No that's allright."
"And I was rude to you in the afternoon."
"No you weren't. I mean I know how rude you can be when I hear you talk to Kartik and Manan."
"Those two ask for it."
Both of us laughed, genuinely.
"Hey, thanks for listening."
"That's what friends are for silly."
"Sometimes I just feel lost."
"Everybody does. But it's alright because you aren't alone."
"Yeah I have my mother, my siblings, the guys and... you!"
"You have all of us by your side."
"I am truly blessed!"
"So is everyone who knows you!"
He always came off as the tough, angry guy. Who seemed to joke in every situation. It was rather unexpected to see his soft side. The tough guy act is a mask he wears and I am glad that he was able to take that mask off in front of me. And I do hope someday I will be able to do the same one day.
As we started walking a breeze passed by making our hairs move. And with the breeze the leaves of the tree swayed and one fell right on his nose.
I burst out laughing seeing this.
"Shut the hell up! It's just a leaf why do you laugh so much?"
"You looked like a Pokémon!"
"Shut up!"
After sometime we returned back to our homes. My mood was much better now, realizing that though I have regrets I also have a life in front of me and though I have lost people I also have many right by my side.
Living here, spending time with new people. I now realised I felt a deep connection with them.
****************
I was scrolling whatsapp to see if there were any messages when I saw a new group chat named 'Planning Aarush's Birthday!!!'