So we're walking, right? And by walking, I mean casually striding through Sumeru like we own the place—except we don't, because apparently the Akademiya does and they're a bunch of stressed-out nerds in robes. Anyway, I was deep in thought. And by deep I mean like, the kind of deep where your brain is floating between "Did I leave the stove on?" and "What was I supposed to be doing again?" Maybe it was important. Maybe it involved imminent danger. Maybe it involved not getting punched. Who knows.
"Hmm... what was supposed to happen again?" I muttered out loud, scratching the back of my head.
Lumine glanced at me. Suspicious. Like I'd just said something intelligent, which, let's be honest, would be the real plot twist of this entire journey. "What are you thinking about?"
I turned to her, completely serious. "Don't worry, Blondie. I'm not thinking about any other girl. Don't be jealous all the—"
WHAM!
Pain. Gut. Instant regret. I folded like a cheap chair at a Liyue street sale.
"I'm not jealous! I was just curious!" she snapped, glaring at me while I tried to remember how breathing works. My lungs briefly filed for resignation.
Paimon hovered in with the energy of a floating mom. "You know you deserve that, right? Paimon doesn't get why you love teasing her so much."
I gave her a thumbs up from the ground. "That's part of my daily routine. It builds character."
"It builds bruises," Paimon muttered.
Greg, perched proudly on my shoulder like a smug lizard king, did his weird chirp-snort. "Ssscha!" That probably meant something like "idiot" in lizard. Maybe even "dumbass #1 reporting for duty."
"Traitor," I whispered at him. He licked his eyeball in response. Rude.
I stood back up, dusted myself off, and continued. "Anyway, I was just thinking what will—"
(SFX: shady voices from the alleyway)
"...Tch. We're too late. Who knew the little lady was such an early riser."
My ears perked up. Hold up, that's the sound of an incoming plot. The sound of idiots about to regret their entire morning.
"Hey, wait a minute. Boss, isn't that her?"
"Oh, that most certainly is! We're in luck. She's walking right into our clutches."
I grinned. Finally. The universe heard my boredom. "Aight, time to beat some asses."
We kept walking—me, Lumine, Paimon, Greg (perched on my head, judging everything like a sarcastic crown), and the elegant, soft-spoken Dunyarzad who's probably the only one of us with class. Poor girl's stuck with us. I mean, if I were her, I'd have filed a formal complaint with Celestia by now.
Then we saw them: some greasy-looking Eremites, standing like they were auditioning for the role of "Generic Villain No. 3."
Paimon squinted. "Those Eremites don't look like they're up to any good..."
Greg hissed quietly. A classic Greg red flag. He only hisses when something shady's about to happen or when I forget to feed him crickets.
Dunyarzad tilted her head, gentle but cautious. "...Who are you? I don't believe the Homayanis hired you?"
One of the shady dudes stepped forward with a grin that screamed "I'm about to get whooped."
"Heh, that's right. We haven't received any of their Mora, but... I wonder how much the Homayanis would shell out to get you back?"
Paimon gasped. "They're a gang of kidnappers! Lumine, Shigeru, hurry and protect Dunyarzad!"
Lumine cracked her knuckles, cool as ever. "Professional here, ready to go."
"Wow, you're hot when you're threatening," I blurted. She didn't even look at me. Just raised her fist.
I took a step back. "Noted. Violence is the language of love."
Then from the shadows, like a fiery queen descending from the heavens—or a nightclub bouncer who's had it with your nonsense—Dehya stepped in.
"Hey! Did you scumbags even consider that the Homayanis might've hired a merc that outclasses you?"
Badis: "You're... Dehya!? Dehya the Flame-Mane... No wonder we mercs haven't heard anything about you for so long. You sold your unruly mane to the highest bidder."
Dunyarzad stepped in, glaring like a soft marshmallow defending a lion. "Don't speak so disrespectfully. My family started working with her as gratitude for her past kindness to us..."
Dehya smirked. "Don't worry about it, my lady. Just some friendly banter between mercs. One punch and those rabid dogs will expose themselves for what they really are."
Badis puffed up like a pigeon. "Hmph, aren't your claws all dull by now? Don't get too cocky!"
Dehya: "Lumine, take Miss Dunyarzad to a safe location."
Paimon hovered anxiously. "No, we're gonna stay and help. There's too many of them!"
Lumine was already in professional mode. "We can't guarantee anyone's safety here. Dehya's top priority is her employer's safety."
Paimon agreed. "Hm... You're right. Alright, fine!"
Dunyarzad, smiling calmly despite the chaos: "Please be careful, Dehya."
Dehya winked. "Don't waste your time worrying about me — this is my job. Look out for yourself. After I've wiped the floor with them, I'll go find you all."
I cracked my neck, stepped forward, and gave Lumine my trademark dumbass grin. "Alright. Just to be sure, I'll be helping Fire Mommy over here. That eases your concern, right?"
She looked at me. Smiled. "Don't die, idiot."
"Wow. Romantic. I'll write that in my will."
She ran off with Dunyarzad.
I looked at Dehya.
"Ready, Fire Mommy?"
She grinned, fiery and flawless. "Bet yah."
And just like that, we squared up.
Now listen. I've fought a literal God. I've survived being uppercut into timelines, chucked off mountains, and yelled at by Jean and Diluc (which honestly hurt more than getting stabbed). But this?
This is fun.
"Time to test drive my new upgrades," I whispered to myself.
The Eremites came at us like bugs drawn to a lamp. Big mistake.
I slammed my foot down and conjured up Geo spears from the ground, forming a barricade behind them. No running away this time. No refunds, either.
Amenoma Kageuchi in hand, I infused it with Anemo, let it swirl into Electro, and added a little splash of Dendro because why the hell not? Nature's wrath, baby!
Anyway, just random thoughts. I kinda missed my old sword—Prototype Rancour. Gave it to Teppei back in Chapter 67. Didn't regret it for a second. Guy deserved something legendary. He deserved to be recognized.
Vines shot out from my hands, entangling two guys mid-leap. They flailed like angry vegetables.
"Bet you didn't expect the power of Photosynthesis, did ya?" I yelled.
Greg leapt onto my head and made a victorious war cry that sounded like a dying tea kettle.
Dehya punched one dude so hard he spun like a fidget spinner.
Another guy tried to flank me. I hit him with a Geo palm strike to the gut. He flew. Literally.
"Flight's delayed, sir!"
One tried to throw a dagger at me. I absorbed the impact with a Geo shield, then whipped around and smacked him with the flat of my blade. "Return to sender."
Dehya dropkicked someone into a crate. Wood splinters everywhere. Greg chirped in celebration.
A spear flew toward Dehya. I zapped it midair with Electro.
"Look at that teamwork," she smirked.
"Fire and dumbass," I replied.
"A perfect combo."
Eventually, they were all on the ground, groaning like they had eaten expired Sumeru roses.
Dehya cracked her neck. "That was disappointing."
I sighed. "Man... that was quite boring, not gonna lie. I was expecting a challenge, or at least someone with a backup dancer. Maybe a juggler. Something."
Greg gave a judgmental chirp-snort. Probably meant "overkill."
She looked at me. Smirked. "You fight loud."
"Loud and proud. C'mon, Greg. Let's catch up before Lumine starts worrying and punches me again."
Greg made a noise like a disgruntled tea kettle.
And with that, we walked off, flame and wind, leaving behind the bruised, tangled, electrocuted regrets of a dozen bad decisions.
This is the way.
***
You ever get that itch? Not like an actual itch, but the kind where you really wanna throw hands with someone? Yeah, I had that. Bad.
"Man," I groaned as we walked, Greg firmly on my shoulder, tail flicking with judgmental rhythm. "I want to square up again. Someone stronger this time. Someone who won't fold like paper. Maybe... a certain Fatui Harbinger. Blue hair. Wears a mask. Smug face. Deserves a rock to the knee."
Dehya turned to me with a raised brow. "That was oddly specific."
I shrugged. "I have grudges."
"You're not subtle about it."
"Subtlety is for people who don't glow in four elements."
"You glow in four elements?"
"And a fifth one when I'm hungry."
Greg let out a skeptical chirp.
"Shut up, Greg, I'm allowed to exaggerate my stats."
Dehya chuckled. A real laugh, like a normal human person with a soul, and not a walking furnace of abs and fire punches. A sight for sore eyes, honestly.
"You're quite strong," she said as we stepped over a shattered clay pot (definitely not my fault). "How come?"
I puffed out my chest. Greg sighed. Loudly.
"Chaos runs in my blood. Trouble is my middle name. And I was raised by wolves. Trained by gods. Educated by birds."
She blinked. "Birds?"
"Don't question the lore."
She laughed, but my mind drifted for a moment. Not to birds. Not to Greg licking his eyeballs again. But to the hellish memories of Mountain Shaper's training.
Imagine getting launched into boulders by a floating yak made of stone who talks like a disappointed philosophy professor. That's Mountain Shaper. He trained me once—or tortured me, depending on the mood. Every day was a mix of dodging rock spears, carrying impossibly heavy Geo constructs uphill, and trying not to cry when he said, "You call that a stance? My mountain has better posture."
The trauma lives rent-free in my brain. My back still hurts just thinking about it.
Greg, clearly sensing the flashback, gave a condescending pat to my cheek with his tail. Thanks, little buddy.
"Hey," Dehya said, snapping me out of my trauma spiral. "You okay? You kinda spaced out there."
"Yeah," I mumbled. "Just remembering all the ways I've suffered under Teyvat's worst yoga instructor."
We eventually spotted them—Lumine, Paimon, and Dunyarzad, chilling under a shaded awning.
"My lady. Lumine. Found ya," Dehya called.
Paimon zipped over. "Dehya, Shigeru! You took care of 'em so fast!"
"Any more of them? Or did anyone follow you?" Dehya asked.
Lumine shook her head. "No, I just checked."
I gave a thumbs up. "No shady creeps within five hundred paces. Except me. But I'm charming."
Lumine rolled her eyes. "Debatable."
"Hey! I'm at least mildly likable! Greg thinks so, right Greg?"
Greg stared into the void.
Then Dunyarzad gasped. "Dehya, your arm...!"
"Oh, this?" Dehya glanced at the shallow scratch. "I'm fine — it's just a scratch. Normally, they wouldn't have been able to land a hit on me at all, but I'm still getting used to this new greatsword."
"Let me guess," I said. "You upgraded but forgot the tutorial, huh?"
Dehya smirked. "Something like that."
Dunyarzad stood up. "Please let me take a closer look—"
"C'mon, it's nothing. Us mercs aren't as fragile as you think."
"Hold on, you said something about a new greatsword? What happened to the one you were using before?"
Dehya scratched the back of her neck. "Uh... About that... Well... I sold it 'cause I was low on Mora. Stuff like this happens every now and then."
"Relatable," I muttered. "I once sold my boots and walked barefoot through Dragonspine. Don't recommend."
Paimon blinked. "You WHAT?!"
"Character building, Paimon. Builds calluses. Builds soul. Builds frostbite."
Dunyarzad blinked. "It can't be... The anonymous donation that was used for the venue's final round of preparations..."
Dehya gave the smallest of grins. "...Hehe..."
Silence.
"Uh, hey, Miss Dunyarzad, I wasn't trying to make you cry. I'm not gonna lose my commission because I made my employer cry, am I?"
Dunyarzad wiped her eyes. "Pfft... Okay, making your employer cry won't affect your commission, but selling your weapon without permission and getting hurt... I'll have to re-evaluate your performance."
"Hahaha... You're so unreasonable, my lady."
They both laughed. I stared like a proud idiot watching two main characters in a feel-good slice-of-life moment. Greg blinked slowly.
Then Dunyarzad coughed. Hard. Deep.
Paimon zipped closer. "Are you feeling unwell again, Dunyarzad?"
Dehya instantly snapped to her side. "My lady, your condition..."
Lumine stepped forward. "Traveler, can you take her somewhere to rest? I'll look around the area to make sure we're safe from an ambush."
I nodded. "No problem. Operation Princess Nap Time is a go."
Greg chirped affirmatively. Probably.
As Lumine and I helped her sit beneath a safer shaded area, Dunyarzad offered a soft smile. "Truly... I'm sorry for the trouble, everyone..."
Paimon shook her head. "Don't say that! We're helping because we want to. Plus, Shigeru owes us like, twelve favors."
"Fifteen," Lumine added.
"Blondie! Don't expose me like that!"
"Too late."
Greg sneezed. Again. Why.
I looked at the sky.
The sun was slowly dipping. The colors of dusk brushing the clouds.
"The plot's progressing as expected," I muttered. "I'm a bit blind here in this part of the Archon Quest..."
Greg stared.
"...Fuck past me for speedrunning this section just to get to the lit parts. Ugh."
I sighed, watching the clouds drift.
"Gotta make changes again. To avoid unnecessary pain... even if I don't remember the whole script."
Lumine stepped beside me. "Still trying to figure things out?"
I looked at her. Smiled. Ruffled her hair.
"No worries, Blondie. I got everything planned."
Even if I didn't.
Greg sneezed on my head.
Typical.
______________________
End of Chapter 97
Quests Completed:
*Walk with grace and style. Or trip and pretend it was planned.
*Tease Lumine just enough to make her roll her eyes—but also smile. Balance is key.
*Stop the Eremites from ruining the vibe (and the schedule).
*Fight off suspicious Eremite scouts lingering around the festival zone.
*Deliver one-liners while dealing actual damage. Humor-based DPS confirmed.
*Trigger at least one moment of deep reflection between punches.
Rewards:
*Lumine's Silent Judgment (+1 Stealth Disapproval, -1 Simp Resistance)
*Anemo-Electro-Dendro-Geo Combo Practice
*Greg: Combat Style Unlocked (Performed mid-air lizard-tail slap. +3 Cool Points, +1 Inconvenient Stare)
*Shady Awning Rest Stop
*Mountain Shaper's PTSD Flashback (Not tradable. Cursed item. May trigger random squats.)
*Archon Quest Lore Memory Fragment (Not complete. Only plays dramatic piano.)
*+5 Festival Reputation with Sumeru Aunties