So then... Kujou Sara finally came to the realization that she and her spark-stick-wielding soldiers weren't gonna win against this idiot.
"Tch… All forces, retreat!" she yelled.
And I—being the humble, slightly genius strategist and full-time menace that I am—casually muttered, "Man, what weaklings."
Then I remembered she's still kinda scary.
I sensed it. That dramatic wind shift. The suspenseful music in my head that only plays when something chaotic is about to go down. So naturally, I did what any normal human would do:
I summoned a Geo Pillar.
And climbed it.
And sat.
With full anime protagonist energy. Legs crossed. Arms resting. My best mysterious brooding face on. I even tilted my head slightly downward to cast that "shadowed eyes, cool guy vibe." Perfection.
Man... I'm not saying I broke the Shogunate Army, but I am sitting on a perfectly placed Geo pillar, surrounded by bodies of fallen samurai like some anime villain who already did his monologue. I even got the lighting just right. If the camera pans from the ground up with some intense soundtrack, I'd be trending.
Paimon, of course, ruins everything.
"What is the idiot doing?" she asks.
Lumine just shrugs like she's given up on trying to explain me. "Who knows?"
Fair.
But me? I'm busy. Busy looking cool. Busy enjoying the air up here. Busy—
Wait.
That spiritual fish lady's coming, isn't she?
Then—ba-dum ba-dum!—music in my head shifts again. Dramatic horns. The wind howls. The resistance arrives. Kokomi's army has entered the chat.
Beidou, Kazuha, and even Lady Fish herself—Sangonomiya Kokomi—graced the battlefield. Too bad they missed the fireworks.
"Yo," I said, waving from my high place of magnificence. "You missed all the fun."
Lumine deadpans me like she knows exactly what's happening. She does. She 100% does.
"He did that just to look cool while saying that," she mutters.
Kokomi scans the battlefield. Fallen enemies everywhere. Minimal loss on the resistance side.
Beidou lets out a big ol' pirate laugh. "Would you look at that? The idiot's actually strong... just like the Yuheng and Lady Ningguang said."
KAZUHA NODS.
KAZUHA. NODS.
VALIDATION FROM THE PRETTY SAMURAI POET HIMSELF. LET'S GOOOO—
Gorou runs to Kokomi like a golden retriever with a PhD in loyalty.
"Your Excellency!" he barks—uh, I mean, says.
I blinked. Bro really out here being her commander and personal pet in one package.
Kokomi, ever graceful, walked towards us and surveyed the battlefield with an expression that said "I came here to strategize, but it seems the script got flipped."
She says, "It seems that we've arrived late. The battle is already over."
She glanced up at me—still on my glorious rock throne—just as Lumine nonchalantly kicked the damn pillar.
"WH—?! OI!" I yelped as I plummeted to the ground with the elegance of a dying swan.
Laughter exploded.
Kazuha chuckled.
Beidou full-on belly-laughed.
Paimon floated in circles like she was about to ascend from the sheer secondhand embarrassment.
Even Kokomi giggled.
Kokomi! Giggled!
"Yeah, yeah," I coughed, brushing dust off my cloak. "That was part of the plan. Totally intentional."
I jump up and throw finger guns.
"Waddup Captain Baddie. Kazu-mah-boi. And you as well, Lady Kokofish—I mean, Kokomi!"
Gorou does the squint. "You... know Her Excellency?"
Lumine sighs so hard it creates its own Anemo current.
"He does. He knows everyone for some reason."
Paimon adds, "He calls himself the Walking Spoiler. Like... Paimon doesn't even know what he means anymore."
Spoiler alert: No one does.
Kokomi just smiles. "Greetings, Travelers. This is the first time we've met, correct? But it seems like one of you already knows who I am."
I stand tall. (Mentally. Physically I'm like... average height. I'm 6'1 by the way.)
"Of course I know who you are!" I declare proudly. "Divine Priestess of Watatsumi Island, Organizer of the Resistance, Commander of the Emotional Support Army, Strategic Queen of Ocean Braincells, High Priestess of Pretty Voice Tactics, and unofficial Mermaid of Tactical Fishdom!"
Lumine smacks me upside the head like an older sibling who's long given up.
"Sorry for his idiocy," she says to Kokomi.
But Kokomi just chuckled. "It's fine. I've heard about you from Beidou and Kazuha."
Beidou nodded, arms crossed. "Told her you were a pain in the ass but surprisingly useful."
"Such high praise," I sniffed.
Kokomi continued, "I hadn't expected you'd join the resistance."
"What can I say? Trouble follows me like Paimon follows food," I said with a shrug. "This is just Tuesday."
Kokomi nods. "By the way, do you have a plan beyond this point?"
I open my mouth—
She says "plan" and I say "chaos," and those are kinda the same thing in my dictionary—
"Well, if finding more chaos counts as a—"
"NOPE!" Lumine and Paimon immediately covered my mouth like I was about to summon the apocalypse.
"No immediate plans," Lumine stressed.
She smiles politely and continues, "Shall we continue our conversation at the Shrine of Sangonomiya? Although the Shogun's Army has retreated for now, the war is far from over. The Vision Hunt Decree has not been resolved, and neither the Tenryou Commission nor the Raiden Shogun show any signs of stopping. In short, our problems have yet to be resolved. I suggest we move to the shrine to discuss a counter-plan. What do you say?"
Suddenly—
"Um... Can I come too?"
It's Teppei. Sweet sunshine of a boy, probably forgot his sunscreen.
"I know Watatsumi Island very well," he says with a hopeful little grin. "I can carry on being your guide, if you'd like."
I drape my arm around him like the overconfident older brother I never was.
"Of course you're coming! I gotta make sure you don't get sent to the afterlife early!"
Teppei blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Nothing, ignore me."
Lumine gave a reassuring nod. "He already made his decision."
Kokomi looks at Gorou. "Gorou, thank you for all you have done. Our forces are weaker than the Shogun's Army, and my absence can only have made the recent days all the more trying for you. I'm afraid I must still ask you to stay a while longer, to keep eyes on the Shogun's Army and also to see to the wounded. But I will ask the mercenaries to remain stationed here, and Kazuha is here too. Hopefully, this will serve to reduce the pressure you are under."
Gorou bows. "Well received, Your Excellency."
Damn.
Kinda hard not to respect a dog that loyal.
Even if he'd probably bite me if I called Kokomi 'Lady Fish' again.
Which, let's be honest, I will.
He turns to us, eyes shining with that noble can-do spirit. "I must return to Sangonomiya now. I have a few things to attend to... Once you're ready, please rendezvous with Teppei. He will escort you there. Thank you for all your efforts. From this day on, I fight alongside you. Fight... for the future of Inazuma."
I salute dramatically, nearly smacking Teppei in the face.
"For Inazuma!" I yell.
"Stop yelling," Lumine mutters.
Kokomi smiles again, calm as the sea before a storm.
I give her a thumbs up and whisper under my breath:
"This is gonna be fun."
***
Okay. So. After the whole dramatic showdown with the Shogun's army and Kujou Sara pulling a "tch... we retreat!" move like a tsundere general who just realized she brought a spoon to a gunfight—me, Lumine, and Paimon were finally left to our own devices again. Dangerous. Very, very dangerous. For them. Because when I say I have ideas, they usually fall somewhere between "mild inconvenience" and "world-ending chaos."
And today?
Oh-ho-ho.
Today's idea was the stuff of legends.
"Hey," I said, shooting them both the kind of grin that usually makes Paimon scream and Lumine contemplate violence. "Remember when we were farming Noblesse Oblige?"
Paimon narrowed her eyes so hard I swear they could cut through ore. "You mean the time when you made us run that domain twenty-five times in a row?"
"Paimon's still traumatized," she muttered under her breath. Honestly, same. I still get Nameless Gladiator PTSD.
"Do you remember," I said, tone full dramatic, "why we did that?"
Lumine put a finger to her chin. "Because you said those new artifact domains—what was it, EOSF and Shimenawa?—weren't unlocked yet."
I clapped. "Bingo! Which means—"
And then I spun around with the grace of a madman who'd had too much Sugar-Frosted Slimes this morning.
"Behold!" I declared. "The Domain of Eternal Suffering!"
It loomed before us. Dark. Ominous. A monument to pain and disappointment and +3 flat HP artifacts.
Lumine blinked. Paimon shrieked.
"NOOOO!" she screamed. "Not again! Paimon don't want to do this again!"
"Too late!"
I was already dragging them toward the domain entrance like some madman leading an army into certain death. They screamed, kicked, and complained—none of which worked. They should've known by now: once Shigeru's on a roll
"Time to grind our souls away for substats we don't need!"
"THIS IS MADNESS—"
"This. Is. Genshin."
logic exits the chat.
We entered the Domain.
-
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
inhales deeply like a madman sniffing the gacha luck of the universe
Here we go again. The moment of truth. The glorious, stupidly painful, emotionally traumatizing, soul-crushing moment that every real adventurer in Teyvat fears yet continues to chase like a broken record with an unhealthy addiction.
Artifact farming.
"Alright," I say, placing both hands on my hips like some kind of tactical genius planning a war. "Here's the plan."
Lumine looks up at me with tired eyes. Her soul already halfway out her body.
Paimon hovers slightly to the left, arms crossed, squinting. She knows. She knows this is going to end badly. She can feel it in the wind. The cursed wind.
I point at Lumine dramatically. "You, Lumine, are gonna equip the Shimenawa set."
She blinks. "...Why?"
"Because you're our Physical DPS now. For reasons we do not fully understand nor support."
Paimon chokes on air. "W-Wait, what?! That's not even—why—HUH?!"
I ignore the protests. I am a man of vision. A man of mystery. A man of total tactical confusion.
"Meanwhile," I continue, holding up one finger as if this is a TED Talk, "I will take the Emblem of Severed Fate. I want an Energy Recharge sands, Attack% Goblet, and Crit Damage circlet."
Lumine raises her hand. "So... I get full Attack% Sands, Attack% Goblet, and Crit Rate circlet, right?"
I nod like a proud dad. "Correct. The perfect build. The dream."
"The delusion," Paimon mutters.
I whirl on her. "Don't jinx us, Emergency Food."
Paimon puffs up. "Paimon has every right to jinx you! You remember last time? We farmed for Noblesse and ended up with four DEF main stats and a Healing Bonus goblet! For an Anemo DPS!!"
Lumine nods solemnly. "I remember. I cried."
I slap both hands together. "And this time, it will be different!"
Spoiler alert: it was not different.
Domain of Eternal Suffering - Attempt #1
We walk in. We see the familiar pillars. The enemies spawn.
I scream.
Not out of fear. Not out of rage.
Out of sheer dramatic habit.
"HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" I yell as I charge in like a discount Diluc with half the dignity and none of the hair.
Lumine follows. Her sword's already glowing. She's serious. She's ready. She's judging me.
Paimon stays above, yelling, "DON'T DIE, YOU MORONS!"
Enemies go boom. We win. Easy.
I grin, chest puffed. "See? Clean. Efficient. Professional. Now witness the rewards of the gods."
clicks the domain reward chest with maximum confidence
...
DEF Sands.
DEF Goblet.
HP Circlet.
...
I stare at the screen like a man who just realized he's been lied to his whole life.
"I... I have questions."
Lumine: "No, you don't. You've seen this happen before."
Paimon: "YOU WERE WARNED."
I whisper to myself. "But what if... just what if... the next one will be good?"
Paimon groans. "He's spiraling again."
Attempt #2
We go in again.
More screaming.
More slashing.
More borderline-unhinged combat grunts from yours truly.
Paimon says, "You know you don't need to make sound effects when you attack."
I answer, "I don't need to eat either, but here we are."
We finish.
We claim rewards.
I stare.
HP Sands.
Healing Bonus Goblet.
Crit Rate Circlet... on a DEF substat.
I consider throwing myself into the abyss.
Lumine pats my shoulder. "There there."
Paimon: "Another one for the artifact graveyard."
I whisper, "This domain is the emotional equivalent of eating sand."
Attempt #3 to #12
It's a blur.
Somewhere in the middle I started naming the artifacts.
"This one's Gary," I say, holding up a DEF goblet with flat HP.
Lumine stares. "Why is it named Gary?"
"Because he's a disappointment. Like the Gary from my childhood memories."
Paimon: "...Are you okay?"
No.
But we keep going.
I think we ran out of resin five rounds ago.
I'm not sure if I'm grinding for artifacts or grinding my own soul into powder.
Attempt #13 - The Mirage of Hope
It drops.
A shiny new sands piece.
I scream again.
Lumine: "Stop screaming."
I don't listen.
I check the stats.
Main stat: ER.
Substats: Crit Rate. Crit Damage. Flat ATK. HP%.
I cry.
Tears of joy?
Tears of despair?
No one knows. I've officially gone feral.
"I AM A GOD!"
Paimon: "That's literally the first good one in 13 runs. Calm down."
Lumine: "That's not even good. That's just... usable."
"DON'T YOU DARE RUIN THIS FOR ME."
-
Our artifacts are... sad.
Lumine's got two Attack pieces and one Crit circlet. Sounds good? Ha. Flat ATK everywhere. One roll into DEF.
Paimon: "This is why we have trust issues."
Me? I've got my beautiful ER sands.
And then a HP% goblet.
On an Emblem set.
I am contemplating violence.
Against who? I don't know. Maybe the artifact gods.
Maybe my past self for thinking this would be fun.
Later that evening...
We're sitting outside the domain.
Lumine's lying on the ground.
Paimon's floating upside down.
I'm eating a suspicious steak.
No one speaks for a while.
Finally, I say, "Hey... we go again tomorrow?"
Lumine groans. "Absolutely not."
Paimon: "Paimon will actually throw you into the ocean."
I nod thoughtfully.
"Cool cool cool. So... maybe not tomorrow. But the next day?"
They both scream in unison.
I laugh.
I am Shigeru.
Artifact masochist.
And I have no regrets.
...Except maybe giving Lumine a physical build.
That was definitely a mistake.
__________________
End of Chapter 58
Quests Completed:
*Turn a high-stakes battlefield into a one-man performance art piece.
*Greet the Divine Priestess with 60% charm, 40% chaos.
*Get kicked off a pillar mid-monologue.
*Leave an unforgettable impression. Literally.
*Torture yourself in the name of RNG.
Rewards:
*+60 Primogems
*+100 Friendship EXP with Lumine (begrudging respect)
*+200 Friendship EXP with Kokomi (mild curiosity about my chaos levels)
*-30 Friendship EXP with Paimon (trauma reinforced)
*+∞ Friendship EXP with Kazuha (nodded. That's everything.)
*+5 Sarcasm Resistance
*+10 Charisma
Achievement:
"Thronebreaker of Tenacity"
-Sat on a Geo pillar like a smug anime villain. Got kicked off by your own teammate. 10/10 execution.