Chapter 79
The morning started as it always did at the Harper house—with chaos and questionable hygiene.
Jake stumbled into the kitchen wearing an oversized T-shirt and pajama pants, scratching his head and heading straight for the cereal. He found Charlie already seated at the counter, sipping coffee and flipping through a guitar magazine.
"Morning," Jake mumbled, pouring himself a massive bowl of Fruity Pebbles.
Charlie didn't look up. "Sleep okay?"
Jake plopped into the chair. "Had a weird dream. I was at an all-you-can-eat buffet, but everything tasted like soap."
Charlie raised an eyebrow. "Weird. I had a dream about twins in a bubble bath. Want to guess what I was doing?"
Jake made a face. "Nope. And I want to eat this cereal without throwing up, so—cool it."
Right on cue, Alan walked in—smiling like an idiot and trying to act casual. But the new piercing in his right ear was anything but subtle. A small hoop glinted in the morning light.
Charlie blinked. Then smirked. "Hey, disco duck, what's with the ear bling?"
Jake looked up and nearly choked on his cereal. "Whoa, Dad. Did you join a boy band?"
Alan straightened his posture. "It's tasteful. I happen to think it makes me look adventurous."
Charlie set down his mug. "Right ear, Alan. The right ear is the gay ear."
Jake's eyes went wide. "Wait, what? That's a thing?"
Charlie nodded, deadpan. "Left ear says you're a hipster from the disco era. Right ear says 'Let's disco.'"
Alan scoffed. "That's outdated. Nobody thinks like that anymore."
Charlie sipped his coffee again. "Sure they do. Just wait until you walk into a biker bar."
Jake leaned in with a grin. "So what does both ears say? Asking for... research."
Charlie laughed. "Both ears says you're hosting RuPaul's Drag Race."
---
By noon, Alan's ear was red and swelling like a tomato. Jake watched in morbid fascination as Alan dabbed it with antiseptic.
"Should it be that color?" Jake asked.
Alan groaned. "It's just a minor infection."
Charlie passed by with a beer. "It's like watching a cantaloupe grow a tumor."
Berta, stepping in from the back patio, took one look at Alan and snorted. "Nice earring, Elton. What's next? Glitter eyeliner and jazz hands?"
Jake nearly fell off the barstool laughing.
Later that day, the house was unusually quiet—until Charlie walked into his room and screamed.
Berta was in his bed.
"Jesus Christ, Berta!"
She didn't even flinch. "Relax. I needed sleep. My daughter's been out all night with some guy, left me babysitting Brittany Pam. That kid doesn't sleep—she snarls."
Jake peeked into the room. "Is she like one of those demon kids in horror movies?"
Berta sat up, hair wild and eyes bloodshot. "Worse. She's teething."
Charlie sighed. "Let me guess—Naomi's out with a loser?"
Berta yawned. "Wouldn't surprise me. Girl's got a magnet for morons."
At that exact moment, Alan strolled into the kitchen whistling. Jake and Charlie exchanged a look.
"No way," Jake said under his breath.
"Oh yeah," Charlie replied. "Alan's the guy."
---
Jake officially met Naomi that afternoon when she and Berta came by to pick up Brittany Pam.
She was tall, tattooed, and confident—everything Alan wasn't.
"You must be Jake," she said, smiling.
Jake raised a brow. "You're the infamous Naomi?"
Naomi laughed. "Infamous?"
Jake shrugged. "You left your baby with Berta and disappeared all night. You're basically a myth around here."
Naomi grinned. "Yeah? Well, now I'm real. Nice to meet you."
Berta, meanwhile, was interrogating Alan with her usual grace.
"You and my daughter? Really?"
Alan, blushing furiously, nodded.
Berta stared at him, then at Naomi. "You could do worse. At least he's got a job and brushes his teeth."
Naomi leaned in to Alan. "She likes you."
Jake muttered, "She's gonna murder him in his sleep."
---
The next day, Berta served Alan breakfast in bed—bacon, eggs, pancakes, the works. Jake stood in the doorway, dumbfounded.
"She's feeding him?"
Charlie nodded. "She thinks he's the best Naomi's ever had."
Jake frowned. "We're talking about Alan, right?"
Charlie looked contemplative. "Maybe the earring worked."
---
That night, Jake found Alan and Naomi arguing about dinner plans.
"Just one night!" Naomi pleaded. "Dinner at my mom's. She'll behave. I promise."
Alan looked horrified. "Your mom sleeps with a cleaver under her pillow."
Jake leaned in. "You're dating her daughter. Dinner's the least of your worries."
So they agreed. The next night, the Harper family found themselves driving to Berta's house. Jake sat in the back seat next to Evelyn, who was wearing pearls and scowling.
"I can't believe I'm going to dinner with the help," she muttered.
Jake smirked. "It's good for you. Builds character."
Charlie added from the front seat, "And cholesterol. I hear Berta deep-fries her wine."
---
Dinner was… wild.
Naomi served something that resembled lasagna. Berta insisted it was meatless. Jake wasn't convinced.
Then, halfway through dessert, the front door opened and in walked Hector—Brittany Pam's father.
Tall. Handsome. Tattooed. Jake immediately saw the writing on the wall.
Naomi's eyes lit up. "Hector?"
Alan blinked. "Wait. Who's this guy?"
Hector smirked. "Baby's father. You must be the rebound."
Evelyn sipped her wine. "Oh, this is delightful."
Within minutes, Naomi and Hector were making googly eyes and giggling. Alan stood frozen, fork halfway to his mouth.
Jake whispered, "Toast to the heartbreak, Dad."
Alan raised his glass. "To being dumped in front of your mother, your brother, and your employer. Cheers."
---
The next morning, Charlie woke up to find Berta once again in his bed.
He groaned. "Let me guess. The whole family's crashing at your place?"
Berta rolled over. "All thirteen of them. I slept on a pile of coats last night. Brittany Pam peed on my foot."
Charlie groaned. "And you didn't kill Alan?"
She gave him a half-smile. "He suffered enough."
Jake peeked in, holding a bowl of cereal. "You guys ever think about how weird this house is?"
Charlie pulled the blanket over his face. "Every damn day."
Jake nodded. "Cool. Just checking."