"Lucas? Where are you?" Alan called out, his voice trembling as he stood in the dark room, shivering like a leaf. His heart pounded, and fear crept through him.
"Why are you here?" Lucas's voice emerged from the shadows, dark and distant.
"Lucas… I… I didn't know… I'm sorry. Please forgive me," Alan cried, his body shaking uncontrollably. The darkness seemed to press against him, but he couldn't leave Lucas, the boy he loved so dearly, in so much pain. Guilt tightened around his chest.
"I don't need your apologies, Alan. If you truly feel guilty, then leave me alone. Forever," Lucas said, his voice heavy with despair.
"Please don't ask me to leave!" Alan pleaded.
"Why? Why are you doing all this, Alan? Why did you destroy everything I had? What do you want?" Lucas's voice broke as he buried his face in the pillow.
"I just want to spend time with you. I like you more than anything. Can you please like me back a little?" Alan asked, trembling, sitting beside Lucas despite his fear. The darkness made every heartbeat feel like a drum of panic.
"Like? It's a big word for a child like you, Alan," Lucas said with a sad laugh.
"I am not a child, Lucas. I know what like is. For me, like is you," Alan said, his eyes brimming with tears.
"If you know what like is, then why did you send her away from me?" Lucas asked bitterly.
"Lucas… I'm sorry. I just wanted you to look back at me. I never knew that mom would send them away. I didn't know there would be an accident… I'm so sorry," Alan sobbed, his heart heavy with guilt. His actions had caused Lucas to lose someone he cared about deeply.
"Your feelings disgust me, Alan," Lucas spat bitterly.
"Lucas…" Alan's cry broke the silence, and the shadows seemed to grow darker around him.
---
Alan woke up with a start, shouting, "Sorry!" His chest heaved, his heart racing. The nightmare's residue lingered like smoke in his mind. He couldn't escape the memories of past mistakes—he couldn't forget the sadness and disappointment in Lucas's eyes that he felt responsible for.
Lucas had stayed home to care for him, which made Ethan worry. Ethan came over to check on his best friend and offered his help. Lucas, appreciating the gesture, asked Ethan to watch over Alan while he stepped away briefly to freshen up.
Everything was fine until Alan began thrashing in his sleep, crying out for Lucas. Ethan realized immediately that Alan was having a nightmare; otherwise, he wouldn't be begging for forgiveness while asleep.
Ethan noticed Alan wake suddenly, screaming. Alan's terrified expression made Ethan's heart tighten, and he hurried to the bed.
"Hey, are you alright?" Ethan asked.
Alan's fear didn't subside. He recoiled at Ethan's presence, misinterpreting him as a threat. His eyes widened, searching desperately for Lucas, but he was nowhere to be found. After the traumatic incident years ago, Alan's fear of strangers had never fully gone away.
"Who are you?" Alan asked weakly.
Ethan froze. He had expected fear from strangers occasionally, but this was different. "I'm not a bad person. I'm Ethan, Lucas's friend," he said gently, trying to calm him.
Alan whispered skeptically, "Really?" He couldn't believe someone would freely admit to being 'good.'
Just then, Lucas walked in and immediately noticed his husband in a defensive posture, cowering from Ethan. "What's going on?" he asked, alarmed.
Alan's eyes lit up at the sound of Lucas's voice. He tried to leap from the bed but stumbled weakly. Lucas's heart skipped, and he rushed to catch Alan before he fell.
"What do you think you're doing?" Lucas asked, his voice sharp but filled with concern.
"Scared!" Alan stuttered, clinging to Lucas.
Lucas gently pried him off and helped him back onto the bed. "Why are you scared? There's nothing here to fear except maybe your imagination."
"Lucas, don't tease him!" Ethan laughed, though concern lingered in his voice.
Alan burst into tears.
"What? Did I say something wrong, Alan?" Lucas asked, puzzled.
"I'm not a little devil; I'm an angel," Alan whispered, burying his face in the pillow.
"Oh, I'm dying of laughter. You're so funny, little angel!" Ethan said, laughing until his eyes welled with tears.
Lucas shook his head, watching his husband hide. "What scared you?" he asked, gently removing the pillow.
"I was scared because you said no one is allowed inside our home!" Alan pouted.
Ethan leaned on Lucas's shoulder, acting playful. "Am I not allowed, Lucas?"
Alan's pout deepened. "Lucas is my husband," he whispered possessively, gripping Lucas's hand tightly.
"You two, stop it!" Lucas said, his heart skipping as he heard "our house" and "my husband."
"Alan, he's my best friend, Ethan. Don't be rude," Lucas added, possessive.
Alan's heart throbbed painfully. Tears welled, but he blinked them away, trying to stay composed.
"Stop teasing him, or you'll be working overtime if he falls ill again!" Lucas warned Ethan playfully.
Alan calmed slightly. Lucas's words reassured him that he mattered. That was enough.
"Sorry, boss. This humble servant won't dare to make your husband sad!" Ethan said, earning a light tap from Lucas.
Lucas instructed Alan gently, "Get freshened up, then I'll take you downstairs."
"Okay," Alan said softly, though his legs still trembled. Lucas supported him to the washroom.
"I'll wait here. Call me if you need anything," Lucas said kindly.
"Thank you," Alan murmured, closing the bathroom door. His heart raced with anxiety. Why are you being so kind, Lucas? Please don't hurt me again. Please…
---
Inside the bathroom, Alan sat in the bathtub, tears streaming down his face. He wondered why Lucas, who had been so harsh before, was being so gentle now. He feared that this kindness might vanish, replaced by cruelty if Lucas lost patience.
Outside, Ethan asked Lucas softly, "Why are you being so kind?"
"Kind? When did I become kind?" Lucas replied, confused.
"You've never shown this side before, have you?" Ethan pressed.
"He's ill. I just don't want him to get worse because of me," Lucas explained.
"Lucas, you're giving him hope. And now he's hoping for your affection. Isn't that cruel?" Ethan said, frustration in his voice.
"I never asked him to hope for anything from me," Lucas replied defensively.
"You're too cruel, Lucas. Think about it," Ethan said before leaving.
Lucas stood confused, unsure why Ethan was upset and why his own feelings were so tangled.
The bathroom door clicked open. Alan emerged in a pink bathrobe, cheeks flushed. Lucas helped him to the changing room, avoiding eye contact with his husband's body.
Alan's heart sank. Others admired him, but Lucas never looked. Am I that unattractive? Tears welled up again.
Lucas leaned against the wall, lost in thought. Desire felt foreign. He should hate Alan for the past, but he couldn't. The emotions suffocated him.
"I'm ready," Alan said, offering his purest smile.
Lucas swallowed hard. "Ugh, don't smile at me like that, it's annoying."
Alan blinked away tears. Lucas noticed the redness in his eyes.
"Did you cry?" Lucas asked hoarsely.
"It hurts, Lucas," Alan sobbed, trembling uncontrollably. The fear of Lucas's darker side felt like it could rip him apart.
Lucas looked down at Alan's pale wrist, noticing the bruises from his tight grip.
"Sorry," Lucas said softly, releasing him.
"You didn't answer me," Lucas continued, voice frosty.
"I… I…" Alan mumbled, fear evident.
"I'm listening," Lucas said, patience wearing thin.
"You never look at me, Lucas. I'm your husband. You never kiss me… Why won't you look at me? I feel… filthy," Alan sobbed, hitting Lucas's chest lightly.
"Are you serious?" Lucas said, astonished. He held Alan's wrists gently, unsure whether to laugh or scold. The situation was overwhelming.
And for the first time, Lucas realized: keeping his distance was no longer protecting either of them.