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Cao Cao actually envied Fei Qian, much like how he had once envied Yuan Shao.
Though he was reluctant to admit it, this feeling was like his own shadow under the sun—no matter how bright the sunlight, there would always be a small patch of darkness.
Ordinary people might think Cao Cao had a relatively high starting point, but he knew all too well that in the eyes of the scholar-official families, he was forever branded with the label of being from a eunuch's household. This thought tormented him endlessly.
Sometimes, in the depths of the night, Cao Cao would feel an inexplicable loneliness, as if the entire world had abandoned him. Everything and everyone seemed so distant, so far away.
He wasn't sure when this inexplicable loneliness had begun. Perhaps it had started the moment he watched his closest friend executed right before his eyes…
Cao Cao's true friend had not been Yuan Shao—it was Song Qi.
Sometimes, Cao Cao wondered: if Song Qi had not died, perhaps there would have been no He Jin, let alone Dong Zhuo…
Every cause has its effect, as if ordained by heaven.
When Emperor Ling of Han ordered the execution of the Song family, had he ever imagined that the great Han Dynasty would one day fall to such a state?
In the fourth year of the Jian'ning era, Song Qi's younger sister became empress, and the entire Song family rose to prominence as the new favored imperial in-laws. Song Qi's father, Song Feng, was appointed as the Commandant of the Capital Guards and enfeoffed as the Marquis of Buqi Township, while Song Qi himself was granted the title of Marquis of Yinjiang.
The following year, in the first year of the Xiping era, Song Qi married the daughter of Cao Chi, the Imperial Household Grandee and Colonel of the Changshui Regiment, forming a marital alliance with the Cao family. It was through this connection that Cao Cao came to know Song Qi.
The two were close in age, and as for status—one was an imperial in-law, the other from a eunuch's family. Neither could mock the other, and with the bond of marriage between them, they soon became close friends.
But good times did not last. Beauty fades, and youth is fleeting. Five or six years later, Empress Song's looks began to decline, and she lost the emperor's favor. Not only did the other concubines conspire against her, but the eunuch Wang Fu, who had previously murdered Empress Song's aunt, also feared retribution and thus slandered her before Emperor Ling. The emperor believed the accusations.
Before long, Empress Song was deposed and confined to the cold palace, where she died of grief. The Song family was implicated—Song Qi, along with his father and brothers, were executed and their corpses discarded outside the city walls.
Now, Cao Cao could no longer recall Song Qi's face, but he would never forget the look in his eyes before death—the helplessness, the injustice…
From that moment on, the once-glorious and divine image of the Han emperor in Cao Cao's heart began to crack.
Sometimes, he wondered: if he had not been born into a eunuch's family, but into a scholar-official clan like Yuan Shao's—or even just an ordinary gentry family—he would surely have achieved more than Yuan Shao.
But life had no "what-ifs."
In the first year of the Zhongping era, Wang Fen, Chen Yi (son of the late Grand Tutor Chen Fan), Xiang Kai, Xu You, Zhou Jing, and others—due to the persecution of the Partisan Prohibitions—plotted to depose Emperor Ling and install the Marquis of Hefei as emperor. They sought Cao Cao's support, but after much deliberation, he refused.
From then on, the once-idealistic young man died within Cao Cao. He truly matured through patience and restraint. Though he had grown disillusioned with the Han emperor, he still chose to uphold the emperor's authority as best he could…
But now, the emperor and court he had once served seemed to be teetering on the brink of destruction. And the ones destroying them were none other than the very people he envied—Yuan Shao and the Yuan clan.
Once again, Cao Cao was defeated.
Everything he had sought to protect—his own integrity, the dignity of the court—had all crumbled.
The divine idol of the Han emperor had fallen from its pedestal and shattered upon the ground.
But what truly broke Cao Cao's heart was the death of Lü Boshe.
Cao Cao was no stranger to killing. He had fought in battles, slain Yellow Turban rebels, and executed corrupt local tyrants. But before, those he had fought and killed were bandits, rebels, and lawless oppressors—he had done so with a clear conscience.
Yet everything changed that night.
What a bloody night it had been! Cao Cao could never forget Lü Boshe's wide, staring eyes in his final moments—the indescribable mix of emotions in them…
Even now, the heat of Lü Boshe's blood seemed to linger on his hands, impossible to wash away.
The great wrong had been done, irreversible and irredeemable.
Cao Cao knew he was no longer an innocent man. He could no longer claim to be righteous, for his hands were stained with the blood of the innocent, and at his feet lay the corpses of those who had done no wrong…
Sometimes, he would wake from nightmares drenched in sweat.
He truly envied Fei Qian—at least Fei Qian had the pure lineage of a scholar-official family, hands untainted by innocent blood, and even sharper deductive skills than his own…
Cao Cao felt that if he were to achieve great things in the future, he would need someone like Fei Qian by his side. But now, he had neither power nor territory. To rashly extend an invitation might backfire, so he restrained himself and did not broach the subject with Fei Qian.
He decided to wait until after the campaign against Dong Zhuo. If successful, he would surely be rewarded with at least a governorship, and then he could properly invite Fei Qian—that would be the right time and the right reason.
Recalling Fei Qian's words that day, Cao Cao still felt troubled. The scene during the oath-taking had chilled him deeply. Were these the so-called elites of the Han, living off the empire's riches?
At least there was still Bao Xin.
If there were more men like Bao Xin, the Han might still have hope!
Though Cao Cao himself had joined the campaign with opportunistic motives, leading a newly recruited, untrained army, the others were different. Most of the governors had brought seasoned troops hardened in the suppression of the Yellow Turbans. If they united, their numbers alone would give them an advantage. Moreover, if the Yuan brothers acted swiftly and cut off Dong Zhuo's retreat to Chang'an, the chances of victory in this campaign were still high.
Thus, the day before, Cao Cao had sent a fast horse with an urgent letter to Yuan Shao. He hoped Yuan Shao, as the alliance leader, would mobilize the troops at Suanzao and personally lead his forces from Hedong along the northern bank of the Yellow River. With the current dry season, they could strike straight at Tong Pass and sever Dong Zhuo's escape route.
He hoped Yuan Shao would receive the letter soon and act quickly…
The hour was growing late. He wondered how Bao Xin's discussions with Governors Qiao Mao and Yuan Yi had gone?
Just as Cao Cao was muttering to himself, he saw Bao Xin stride into the tent, frowning and tight-lipped. His heart sank.