Fuck.
He's so cute.
My lord.
I actually need to control myself and stop.
I was just talking about random bullshit just to try and keep him longer.
Just to try.
Try and hear his voice longer.
Fuck.
That's so gay.
I closed my eyes.
I opened them back up.
I'm not gay.
I stood up, ending the call and walking over to turn off my light.
I shut my computer.
I should really finish my work, but I am too exhausted to think about anything right now.
I got into bed.
Okay.
He's fun.
I don't know why.
He's just really fun.
I mean…actually I don't know if I have ever had human friends.
I mean, at least not like this.
I enjoy being around him in this weird way, like more than I do Vincent and Jasper, and I consider them my good friends, maybe even best friends.
I mean, the only thing that we really have in common is basketball, but it still feels like we mesh well in other things, too, even though it's more of a teasing thing.
God, I can't even explain it.
And not once.
NOT ONCE have I gotten mad if Vincent and Jasper hang out with other people, I mean, at least not like this. They are dating for crying out loud. And that.
That didn't bother me.
At least not the way that seeing…seeing Cassidy with other people bothers me.
I think.
I think I have always been this weirdly jealous. My mom and siblings say I take after my dad…which is never good.
I mean, I think it's more of a left-out feeling with Vincent and Jasper than blatant jealousy. But everyone says it's me being jealous. And I have truly been working on not doing that, because that's crazy.
I surround myself with other people…even though I doubt they like me beyond the superficial.
I got into the student government, and now I am the student body president, and I also have basketball.
Something.
ANYTHING to keep my mind off this weird feeling of…of jealousy that I feel when I see my friends with other people.
But with Cassidy, it's different.
Or maybe because it's Thomas?
That fucking bitch, god I hate him.
Maybe the fact that Cassidy is getting close to him is why this feeling is back. But then again, I don't really know.
I feel myself feeling that way even when he's with Vincent and Jasper, and I KNOW they don't want him, so what the fuck is my problem?
I don't even want him.
I don't.
So why do I feel this possessive feeling, like I want him? He's a guy, what the fuck is my problem?
I rolled my neck in a circle.
Maybe it is the heat that heightens all my emotions in general, and that is why I am acting this way?
Of course, I have to blame everything but myself. That's what I was born to do.
Ugh, whatever.
I'll get over it, all I need to do is control it, and when it comes, I will just lock myself in my room…or chain myself to the bed. Something, ANYTHING to keep me from hunting. From looking for this dreaded soulmate.
Oh my god.
I got under my covers, and my head hit the pillow.
I shut my eyes.
I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be.
Everything will.
Everything.
"Baby, if I grab your horns, does that make your dick grow?" What the fuck?
I sat up in my bed, and I felt my eyes slowly open.
Oh my god, I am so tired. What is happening? "Kitten." holy fuck.
Holy fuck.
What the fuck?
Hello?
"What? This was your idea, why are you looking at me all crazy?" Cassidy.
Cassidy.
He.
He was in my room.
He was talking to me.
He was.
He was on my dick.
What the fuck?
Oh, what the fuck?
What the hell?
The same thing that he had on his head at the end of the call was still there, and he was giving me this funny look.
My eyes slowly wandered down his naked body.
Dick.
He has a dick.
He was on my dick.
What the fuck is happening?
We were just on FaceTime. Why is he in my house?
I don't.
I don't.
Oh fuck.
I sighed.
"You gonna move or do I have to do that?" Cassidy asked, and against any of my better judgment, he.
He.
He started to move his hips.
Hips. His hips they.
They are moving.
Why?
Why would I ever dream about this? Why?
Please. I need to wake up.
Please.
He let.
Let out these noises that were unlike anything I had ever heard before as he wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face into my shoulder.
Why on god's green earth would I dream about this?
I can't even do anything.
I can't stop it.
I can't move.
I can't.
Now my hands were moving on their own.
Moving to his waist.
I don't remember the last time I had a sex dream…Actually, I think it might be never.
I don't like that I am feeling everything right now.
I feel his ass on my legs, I feel his arms around my neck, I feel his breath in my ears, I feel.
I feel how…how tight he is, and it's making me harder.
FUCK what is wrong with me? I don't know. Can the heat change your sexuality? That's not how that works. That's not how any of this works.
"Why are you…you getting harder?" Oh god, that voice.
That voice.
That voice makes me feel things I am not supposed to feel for men.
"Oh god…oh god."
"Honey… please, just go slow…I know it's been a while…but please." his voice was so whiny, it was.
Was turning me on.
He was.
Was riding me.
Riding me like he's done all of this before, like.
Like.
"Oh god." I could hear his lips smacking as he moaned in my ear.
His breath was hot. His skin was hot, everything was hot.
I felt.
"Slow…go slower. Your dad's going to hear us," he mumbled.
"I just wanna be yours, baby, I just wanna be yours," he moaned as his arms tightened around my neck.
"The car has been hurting my…" his voice died out as I watched him pull his hands off of me, lean back, and put his hands behind him.
Holy fuck.
I
Am I gay?
Jesus fuck, he looks so hot.
Everything about him.
How could a guy be so hot?
Oh my god.
No wonder Vincent's not worried about his heat, I wouldn't be either if it were replaced with this constantly.
I wish this were a lucid dream.
Holy fuck.
I shouldn't.
But holy fuck, I wish this was a lucid dream, I just wanna.
Oh my god.
I need to wake up.
I need.
His hands left my bed, and he started to caress his own body.
Oh my lord.
He's skinny, but has an athletic build at the same time.
He's perfect.
His face was covered in sweat, and his almost black eyes were full of tears as my name continued to come out of his mouth.
His lips are plump, and they are gorgeous.
I bet he could put those to work.
Oh my god.
I need to stop.
He wrapped his hands around me once again.
"Are you close, baby? I'm getting tired," he mumbled into my ear.
I have been close since this dream started.
"Don't…don't go faster…oh my god." His moaning filled up my entire room."I'm going to… I'm gonna."
HOLY FUCK.
I shot up in bed as my chest went up and down.
Oh my god.
I looked around.
It was dark.
What is wrong with me?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh my god, I am going to hell. Oh my god, I can't.
I am not gay.
I'm not gay.
How could that happen?
I don't understand.
Oh my god.
I pulled back the blanket.
Fuckkk.
I should be disgusted.
What the fuck is my problem?
Why would I ever dream about that?
Let alone with him.
He's…he's a man. What the fuck is my problem?
Oh my god.
I can barely even keep my fucking eyes open. What the fuck is my problem?
God, I'm disgusting.
I'm awful.
I can't.
I can't.
How am I going to face him?
How can I look him in the eye without thinking about this?
God, I am just.
My breathing wasn't slowing down, but my eyes kept getting heavier.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am going.
I am going to go to hell.
I can't go.
I can't look at him.
I can't talk to him.
Why would I think about that, let alone dream about that?
I can't.
What is wrong with me?
What the fuck?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don't understand.
I don't understand why I am feeling this way.
Why?
I don't understand.
I am disgusting.
I am fucking disgusting.