The scrolls barely got a glance.
Minato smiled, "Thank you, Kakashi." He nodded at the jōnin.
Kakashi dipped his head slightly. "Just doing my part, Hokage-sama."
Minato's attention shifted back to us, that blue gaze sweeping across the four of us standing at attention. "Now, I know written reports are thorough, but they lack a certain... immediacy. Context gets lost in translation sometimes." His smile turned slightly self-deprecating. "And frankly, passing around scrolls and waiting for everyone to read through four separate accounts would take longer than any of us has patience for today. So let's hear it directly from you. In your own words." He paused, and something playful flickered across his expression. "Besides, I have a feeling Naruto's about three seconds from exploding if he has to stand still and quiet much longer."
Naruto's mouth had already been opening, a whine building in his throat, but at his father's words, he deflated slightly before puffing back up with indignation. "I wasn't gonna—okay, fine! Old man." He jabbed a finger toward Minato, completely ignoring the fact that he was addressing the Hokage in a room full of people who'd probably committed murder for less disrespect. "I'll go first then!"
And without waiting for permission, because Naruto had never met a protocol he couldn't steamroll through, he launched into it.
"So! We were heading to Wave Country, right? Standard escort mission, super boring stuff—except it wasn't boring because we ran into bandits!" His hands moved as he talked, gesturing wildly. "And I'm talking like, a lot of bandits. Maybe twenty? Thirty? They came out of the trees all—" He made exaggerated sweeping motions, sound effects included. Whoooosh! But we totally handled them! I mean, I handled most of them, dattebayo." Pride radiated off him like heat. "Sakura-chan got a few good hits in, and Sai did his thing with the drawings, and Eishin barely had to do anything because I was that good."
I could see Sakura physically restraining herself from correcting his wildly inflated version of events.
"But then," Naruto continued, building momentum, "we ran into these other guys. Way tougher. They had actual shinobi with them, not just bandits with pointy sticks, you know? And their leader was this big scary dude who looked like he ate rocks for breakfast. So Eishin—" He grinned, miming a punch. "BOOM! Just walks up and decks him! Fire-hand style! Like his fist was all—" More sound effects. Fwoooosh! And the guy just dropped. Cracked the ground and everything! It was so cool! Everyone else basically ran away after that because, I mean, yeah."
There were many skeptical gazes at that level of…. creativity in recounting events. Hell, even Danzo bothered to slit open one eye before closing again.
Naruto was already barreling forward. "After that, we got to the bridge, and that's when we met the really dangerous guys. Bandage-face—"
"Zabuza Momochi," Kakashi supplied helpfully.
"—Yeah, that guy! And this other guy, Haku, who was super fast and pretty and kinda creepy? But also really strong!" Naruto's gestures got bigger. "They came at us on the bridge while we were protecting that annoying whiney old merchant, and Sai and I had to hold them off! It was intense! Zabuza's sword was huge, like seriously, how does anyone even swing that thing? When Eishin came back, Bandage-face was too scared to fight us all and ran away."
Shikaku, who'd been leaning against the wall with the kind of disinterest only a Nara could pull off, chose that moment to pipe up. "So, Eishin wasn't with you the whole time?"
Naruto blinked, his goofy thinking face making an appearance as he tried to process the question. "Uh, no? I mean, not the whole time. He and Sakura went off to… I dunno, investigate something? I wasn't really paying attention. But it's fine! Even if they hadn't come back, we totally had it under control. Zabuza was barely standing after I hit him with my Rasengan—oh! Did I mention Eishin taught me Shadow Clone? It's way better than that stupid clone jutsu. I've even been working on some new stuff with it."
Minato, of course, had already been aware of that, and, oddly enough, didn't seem to mind that I had taught him such a forbidden jutsu.
"And I totally wrecked Zabuza's sword!" Naruto mimed a massive impact. BOOM! Rasengan right into it! Thing shattered into pieces! He could barely stand after that! I thought he was gonna pass out right there!"
Shikaku's eyes flicked to me again as his question got answered, something sharp and assessing in that look. I waited for the question, the follow-up, the demand for clarification.
It didn't come. He's just highlighting, huh.
But Inoichi, leaning against the wall, had a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. Like he'd just caught me sneaking cookies from a jar. Like he knew something and was enjoying knowing it.
Great. Wonderful. Love that for me.
Naruto continued his report, blessedly unaware of the undercurrents, his version of events getting progressively more patchy and subjective as he went. He glossed over entire sections, got distracted by cool moments, and generally provided the kind of combat-focused, tactically deficient account you'd expect from an enthusiastic fifteen-year-old who thought strategy was "hit it harder."
Then he got to that part, and I started sweating buckets.
"Oh! Oh, and after I trained a bit, there was this one time—" Naruto's grin turned mischievous, and alarm bells started ringing in my head. "—I wanted to show Eishin this new jutsu I came up with! Since he taught me Shadow Clone, right? I figured I'd impress him with my innovation!" He puffed his chest out. "Combining Shadow Clone with Sexy jutsu."
Oh no.
"B-but Eishin—" Naruto's voice took on a theatrical quality, his expression shifting to exaggerated horror. "—he just lost it. Like, completely lost it. Started drooling like some kind of big bad wolf—" He made clawing motions, hunching over and leering in a way that would've been hilarious if it wasn't currently destroying my reputation. "—all scary and perverted! His eyes went all weird, and he started making these noises like 'hehehehe' and I tried to talk to him, I really did, dattebayo! I was like 'Eishin, snap out of it!' but he wasn't listening!"
Naruto mimed backing away, hands up defensively. "And then—and then—" His voice dropped to a scandalized whisper that carried through the entire room. "He started unzipping his pants! Right there! I had to run away! I was scared he was gonna—I don't even know what he was gonna do, but it wasn't good! THE BIG PERVERT!"
Silence.
Absolute, deafening silence.
Every single person in that room turned to stare at me. Not glance. Not look. Stare. With the kind of judgment usually reserved for war criminals and people who kicked puppies.
It….. didn't happen like that, I screamed internally, sweat prickling at my hairline. It didn't fucking happen like that!.
I looked at Naruto.
The little bastard was trying so hard not to laugh. His shoulders were shaking, lips pressed together, eyes dancing with barely contained glee.
You absolute piece of shit.
I looked at Minato. The Hokage's smile had taken on a strained quality, but his eyes held apology. Understanding. He knew his son. Everyone knew Naruto and his pranks, his tendency to stretch truth until it snapped and became something else entirely.
There was a chance, a good chance, that if I protested, if I explained that none of that happened, Minato would back me up. Pull me out of the mud Naruto had cheerfully shoved me into. Everyone here probably knew Naruto's report was at least sixty percent bullshit by volume.
But if I did that, start explaining myself like a convict, all panicky and shit; Naruto won. I lost. Simple as that.
And there was something else, something that sat uncomfortably in my chest—watching a parent side with someone else against their own kid, even if the kid deserved it, left a sour taste. I'd been that kid before. Different life, different circumstances, but I remembered the feeling.
Fuck it.
I shrugged, meeting Minato's gaze with as much casual nonchalance as I could manufacture. "What can I say? Blondes have that effect on me. Can't help it."
I heard Inoichi make a strangled sound, teeth grinding audibly. The man looked like he wanted to vault across the room and strangle me with his bare hands, Hokage's presence be damned.
Sorry, Inoichi. Your daughter's got a great mouth. In multiple senses of the phrase.
I didn't look at him. Instead, I cut my eyes toward Naruto, letting a smirk pull at the corner of my mouth.
Naruto's grin had disappeared. Now he was the one grinding his teeth, looking distinctly put out that his prank hadn't landed the way he'd wanted. That I'd just rolled with it instead of getting flustered and defensive.
I had to give him credit; the prank had been good. Well thought out and well-executed. He'd just made the distinct mistake of how much I didn't care…. or how much I did.
Hiruzen's laughter cut through the tension like a bell, rich and hearty and completely genuine. The old man was actually laughing, his weathered face creasing with amusement.
"Ah! To speak your heart without hesitation," he mused, his voice gravelly, still chuckling. "Such honesty! There is a purity to it, however... earthy the subject matter may be," He looked at me with something that might've been approval or might've been pity, hard to tell with all the wrinkles. "The Will of Fire burns bright in many forms, Eishin-kun. Though I must say, your particular interpretation is... unique. It takes a distinctive sort of courage to be so openly shameless." Another chuckle. "It reminds me of a headache I have nursed for forty years..."
Oh good. Being compared to the legendary super-pervert. Just what my reputation needed.
But the tension had broken, at least partially. A few people were trying not to smile. Others still looked deeply concerned about my life choices.
All according to plan.
Sort of.
Maybe.
I'm going to get Naruto back for this, I promised myself. Not sure how yet, but it's happening.
Minato gave an awkward laugh. It was more about politeness than actual amusement. His cheeks twitched slightly.
"Let's... not encourage that particular aspect of Jiraiya-sensei's legacy, shall we, Lord Third?" Minato said, his voice straining for a cheerful normalcy. "One 'headache' of that magnitude is quite enough for the village. I'd prefer we didn't train a successor to Sensei's... habits."
Hiruzen chuckled, waving a hand dismissively, clearly enjoying himself far too much.
Minato's attention shifted back to me, and his expression settled into something between professional and long-suffering. "As for you, Sasayaki-san..." He paused, choosing his words with visible care. "While I can appreciate your... passion—" The word came out delicate, like he was handling unstable explosives. "—let's endeavor to keep these debriefings focused on tactical considerations rather than, ah, aesthetic demographics."
Translation: Stop being horny on main, you walking HR violation.
I nodded, keeping my expression appropriately contrite. "Of course, Hokage-sama. My apologies."
Then Minato turned that same measured attention on his son. "And Naruto," he said, his tone just a touch sharper, "that goes for you as well. I appreciate your energy, but I'd prefer if you didn't derail the report with unnecessary… embellishments."
"Embellishments?!" Naruto shot back, his voice rising in pitch, his arms flailing for dramatic effect. "I wasn't embellishing anything! Everything I said was true, dattebayo!"
"Mm-hmm," Minato said, his voice light but with an unmistakable undercurrent of amusement. "In any case, let's try to keep things factual, shall we? I'd hate for your mother to hear about any… unnecessary distractions during your mission."
Naruto's grumbling died in his throat at the motion of Red Hot Habenero. His entire posture changed; back straightening, shoulders squaring, face shifting from sulky teenager to something approximating military discipline. "Understood, sir! Crystal clear, sir! Won't happen again, sir!"
The transformation was instantaneous and slightly terrifying. Apparently, Kushina Uzumaki's potential disapproval was a more effective deterrent than any amount of Hokage authority.
And while I wanted to laugh at him or tease him, I was in no less perilous a position than him. Because whatever bulshi Naruto was spitting, Kushina would not find it funny. The redhead had a different impression of me. Of course, she would; the Uzumaki matriarch had taken me deep into her married cunt. She knew, or rather believed me, to be some sort of beast. Rightfully so, only the most vile of scums, the real filth, go about seducing and fucking married women.
She'd assume I was after her son. Which was absolutely, categorically, one hundred percent false. Everything—everything—I'd done had been with Naruko. The female version. A distinctly different situation.
Which... isn't actually better when you think about it too hard, my brain supplied helpfully. Still deeply fucked up. Still probably warrants some kind of intervention.
My hand twitched toward my pocket, but I forced myself still. My fingers curled into a fist at my side instead.
Not the time. Absolutely not the fucking time.
Focus. Mission debrief. Don't think about Kushina. Don't think about that storage closet. Don't think about how she'd cornered me with that knowing smirk and those dangerous eyes and—
Naruto had already resumed his report, mercifully moving past his creative interpretation of my supposed depravity. Now he was talking about the second encounter with Zabuza, his voice taking on that excited edge it always got when he was remembering a good fight.
This was it. The moment where the mission went from "complicated" to "potential diplomatic catastrophe."
… and what happened to them after they had escaped my Frozen Domain.
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