"All in agreement of expulsion?" Umbridge said in her important tone. They all agreed. "I believe another easy matter will be Divination. Why, she couldn't predict a single thing for me!"
"That may be true, Dolores. But Divination is an odd class to study. It's incredibly rare to receive, let alone understand, a true divination. I think if we look at the class from a theoretical perspective, which is how most of the students are treating it anyhow, then Trelawny is doing an excellent job."
"I agree. The OWL does not require proof of prophetic vision, it is purely theoretical. I'm not sure why we bother to teach it, but at this point, it would be a discussion with the OWL Committees, not Ms. Trelawny."
"Fine!" Umbridge snapped. "The half-breed, then."
"Merlin's balls. You cannot keep throwing around slurs like that!"
"She said it in front of the man himself," Spoonmen groaned.
"That trollop Adams then, or Lupin - he's too poor and sickly to teach!"
" - That's not any nicer than a slur -"
"She is entirely inappropriate, teaching children to commit acts of violence! And she is covered in gang symbols!"
"They are clearly runes, not gang symbols! And you can't fire a man for being poor either, you daft -" Jasmine yelled.
"I've got an idea!" Pickerington shouted over the rising argument. "Hogwarts has not updated its Rules and Regulations Guidebook in centuries. Why don't you take a look through that, Dolores, and create a list of things that need updating? You can have free reign over the dress code while we focus on the professors."
"Yes, a very important project should be handled just by you alone. In fact, why don't you go get started now? You don't have to sit through the rest of this meeting, you have much more important stuff to do!" Spoonmen agreed.
Umbridge puffed out her chest like a bird showing off its plumage.
"Oh, of course," she said haughtily. "It's only right that I spearhead this, being the most respectable person here!"
"Bloody hell, that woman!" Pickerington cried after she'd left. "Is there a lot left to cover?"
"Unfortunately, yes. This school is a nightmare. I'm concerned about the moving staircases, and the Forbidden Forest is an obvious safety hazard as well."
"Let's just put a fence around it."
"I don't think that will keep out the centaurs."
The first round of Umbridge's Educational Decrees went up four days later. And no, she had not conferred with the other inquisitors beforehand. It was… a bit much. And definitely outside of the group's legal purview. Some highlights included: banning Quidditch and all clubs, making Umbridge in charge of all detentions, not allowing male and female students within six feet of each other and a very strict dress code for students and staff. Students had to be in their full uniform and robes at all times, shirts tucked in and shoes shined even on the weekends. Boy's hair could not exceed past their ears, and girl's hair had to be 'well-maintained and proper' and fall at least below their ears. She outlawed excessive jewelry, 'unnatural' piercings and hair colors. It was, as should be to no one's surprise - extremely outdated. It was obvious that Umbridge hated fun. She could argue about safety and propriety all she wished, every person at the school hated her now.
Still, it was deemed an unfortunate necessity to keep Umbridge out of the way while the other adults discussed more important changes to Hogwarts. It was best not to confront the woman about her choices. The children would be unhappy, sure, but these were small sacrifices that could be made to keep Hogwarts the premier magical school in London. Was it fair? No. But was there much the other three of their group were willing to do about the rules? No. There had been a standing ovation at the news of Professor Binns' retirement, and if the children wanted their education to be improved, they would have to suffer through the less popular parts as well.
And the students were in an uproar. The Gryffidors had teamed up with the Slytherins to protest the Quidditch ban, earning no less than sixty students in detention.
Alabasandria, of course, having received her copy of the new rules directly by owl, went ahead and showed up to breakfast in her usual kit. As much as she did not appreciate someone as annoying and frustrating as Umbridge, it was not in her best interest to start a feud with a Ministry worker, of all people. There was nothing she hated more than governments trying to tell her that necromancy was wrong and evil and she was going to jail, again, and all that nonsense. She would prefer to not be discovered at least until Harry completed his education. No, she would ignore Madame Umbridge all she could, but that did not mean she would follow her dress code.
Most of the other Professors had begrudgingly shown up in their Sunday best. Hagrid had on a bizarre three-piece suit that appeared to be made entirely of beaver. It was hard to tell where his beard started and his blazer ended. He gave her a friendly grin as always and over the meal they discussed a joint venture between their classes to teach the students how to harvest jobberknoll feathers in the Forbidden Forest.
"Ms. Adams, do you mind substituting for Mr. Lupin's afternoon classes, I'm afraid he's fallen ill again," Dumbledore asked, also vibing with the new dress code in formal robes of various shades of orange. He resembled a muggle construction worker in their high-visibility safety jackets. Alabasandria agreed to his request, though she didn't know too much about the defense part of Defense Against the Dark Arts.
"Alright, what was he teaching you," she asked the DADA third years later that day. She thumbed through the man's lesson notes. "Dark creatures, huh? That's an easy one, you spend a whole year on this? Burn them. Fire is always your best bet. If that doesn't work, vanish it. If that doesn't work, cutting curse to the heart. If that doesn't work, conjure a silver weapon and stab it in the heart. There, that covers all of them."
The children floundered for a moment before beginning to frantically write everything down.
"Does that work on Dementors?" a student asked. "What about vampires?"
"Yup, fire. Lots of fire though, mind you. But it will work. Fire and silver are most Dark creatures' weak points. Something about their cold, unfeeling hearts or something like that. Lupin ever asks you a question and you don't know the answer, you tell him what I just said and he won't be able to complain."
"You can't conjure precious metals, professor," Malfoy argued. "That goes against Merlin's Fourth Theory of Alchemy."
"Well that's why it's a theory, isn't it? I suppose schoolchildren can't conjure precious metals, sure, but it's not that hard. Just carry a knife on you, then."
She put her hands under the table and discretely traced a bloody sigil on the underside. A pile of silver daggers appeared on the desk with a loud clatter. "See? Not that hard."
And that was how she ended up teaching a bunch of thirteen-year-olds how to wield a knife and how to cast incendio maxima, a fire-summoning spell that was barely legal and usually meant for seventh years.
Remus had not been pleased when on their next test, almost every student had written down "stab it with fire" for every question. He had been less pleased when they all accosted the silver-fearing werewolf with knives and offered to show him that they all did in fact know how to stab things with fire.
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