The days passed by rather uneventfully. As I had predicted all too easily, Manabe did release the picture and word spread of my supposed lechery. Most of the people in class avoided me. Lunch with Tokitou's group basically never happened again at this point, I imagine it would be a bit awkward anyway, considering Manabe and her group had found themselves ingratiated into the fold.
There was just one major progression that I really wish hadn't occurred…
"So, neighbour. Where are we off to now?" Haaah…
I know, I'm neglected and isolated. Downright lonely in other people's eyes. But that didn't mean I wanted this either… I suppose it was a bit rude to think like this, there were choice words for this kind of behaviour; choosing beggars. Perhaps, I should just swallow my pride and the negative thoughts I had of this particularly troublesome individual? Just reciprocate this feigned friendship…
Yeah, no. I think not.
Class had ended for lunch, there wasn't any chance of me entering the cafeteria. The looks that came my way were much too distracting, better to make do with a meal from the nearest convenience store.
I postulated that idea in my head for a moment. Which was more annoying; having him accompany me or sitting in the cafeteria with those eyes forever glued to my figure…?
I wouldn't even be able to enjoy a simple meal without being disturbed.
The issue was that I proposed those as two separate choices; I already knew that such looks wouldn't affect this wingless dragon in the slightest. He'd probably welcome them with open arms. If I head in the direction of the cafeteria, I'll have to deal with the constant looks and mutterings of the other students and this tagalong as well.
As such going to the convenience store was my only real option. Better the known devil than that which remains elusive.
Still, I wish I had at least the illusion of choice. I couldn't in good faith blame anyone for these outcomes, after all they were of my own choosing, of my own concoction. Though, it was rather stifling.
I just needed to find the right moment.
Unfortunately, she was still avoiding me. If I didn't know any better, her evasive manoeuvres were getting more drastic. That made this all the more bothersome. The elusive cerulean spectre escaped from the classroom as if intruders had just burst in. I'm sure if we were on the Olympic track instead of a classroom she may have set a new world record.
I could check the cafeteria, but that didn't sit well with me either… Hmm, what to do?
Do I just wait for the opportunity to come by? But the academy is pretty big, I might be waiting a long time for that sort of thing to come about…
"Thinking about Lil' blue?" The devil on my shoulder had given a strange moniker to the target of my ambitions.
"…"
"Don't worry too hard on it. I heard impotence strikes 1/3 guys on average. Well, never happened to me, but you know." It was that common? Wait, no why's he attributing that trait to me? That's a misnomer I tell you, completely falsified.
"Is there a reason you've been following me for the last few days?"
"You looked lonely, I was helping out on that front." I appreciate the thought. But don't. Seriously, please don't.
"I didn't expect you to be so charitable."
"Ain't charity. Let's see, I could be your friend for… hmm. How about you buy me lunch?" He pointed towards the lunch sets near the front of the convenience store.
"Your friendship is cheap."
"Could be." A sly grin slithered over his lips.
"I still don't have any intention of paying for you." What was it about my new so-called friends and only approaching me to buy food? I'm beginning to feel like a target had been placed on my back.
I didn't particularly want to be friends with him, it seemed more trouble than it'd be worth. That… and he never did mention if buying lunch was a one-time thing. Knowing what I did about Ryuuen, he was crazy enough to actually think I'd offer to buy lunch for him whenever he desired, I'm not that desperate for companionship. Not yet.
Manoeuvring through the aisles, he came to a dead stop suddenly.
"What do ya know? They've got something for the dumbasses that spent all their points." Ryuuen admired a small container on the end of the row. It contained some sanitary goods. A label was attached; 'Maximum of three items a month'. Now that I looked a bit harder, there were multiple of these stands, one in each specific aisle. It wasn't just toiletries, food with long shelf lives and other miscellaneous items were accounted for. This school really was deceptively generous.
"How reassuring."
"What was that?" His ear visibly grew.
"Nothing, I was just thinking that it was fortunate the school provides relief aid. If you spend points unwisely, it was possible you could go without food to eat for the latter part of the month." Starving was hardly possible in this developed civilisation, however, we were still growing. Nutritional deficiencies at this stage could play a negative part in a student's physical and mental faculties during development.
"I call that natural selection at its finest. Whatever idiot spent the entirety of 100,000 yen in a single month deserves to starve." A rather harsh view. But I could hardly disagree either. Whoever did that was just asking for trouble. Especially as the month came to an end.
"Well, that's certainly one way of looking at it."
"The only way of looking at it. Unless you're saying there's another way to run out of points that quickly?" As I thought…
"…Not that I can think of. The exception being; someone like you stealing them, I suppose."
"I'm wounded, neighbour. That you would think of me as such a heartless individual… Even if I could hypothetically do that, it would be against the rules. Resulting in punishment, hardly worth it, don't you agree? Unless you think I missed something?"
What a lazy attempt. He was having way too much fun with this.
"Probably the ethical aspect of whether it was right to steal from others?"
"Of course! Wow, so clever and smart. Shame your Johnson doesn't work, I bet the girls would swoon otherwise." He said that rather loudly as we passed by some other students shopping. An approximation of sympathy on his face as his arm came over my shoulder.
As soon as the other students were out of view, he removed his arm from my shoulder and pushed me aside to create some space between us. Did he really want to escalate somewhere this populated? Not to mention the security cameras a store like this would have… Ryuuen didn't strike me as someone completely negligent in that area. He was cunning, used his words and behaviour to rile up an opponent before going for the killing strike. Like a venomous snake or crouching dragon, that was a fitting descriptor for the man known as Ryuuen Kakeru.
"How about instead of being friends I provide you a certain piece of information you'll find useful. In return… I can decide what I want at a later date." The snake posed that as a reasonable exchange.
Owing Ryuuen a favour in return for some unknown and probably useless information.
Wow, what a hard choice.
He could offer me the location of the lost city of El Dorado. The entirety of that place's fictional riches wouldn't be enough to agree to a favour of his choice.
"No thanks."
"That's a shame. I guess you'll just go about waiting to meet Lil' blue for the rest of your school days. Hopefully, you see her sometime soon. Friendships bloom and wilt with time, so they say. Oh, how sad it is."
"What exactly are you offering?"
"I can make you two meet. Guaranteed."
"That sounds like stalking." Something I had only vaguely considered. Never a fully formed plan of action.
"Relax. So long as it gets you your desired outcome, wouldn't that be fine?" Is that all it was? Ryuuen was the type that could follow through on that, but it didn't add up completely.
"Morally, it would be wrong. I think most people would agree with that."
"Most people, huh? Well, let's see how much that matters in the end. The fact stands, I can make it a reality, you're free to continue with your unsuccessful methods. Maybe, luck will come your way, who knows?"
"I can't think of any reason to trust your words. The answer's obvious, isn't it?"
"If you say so. I'll just be on my merry way then." Thrusting his hands into both pockets, he hummed a tune whilst taking a few steps towards the entrance.
"…"
"…" Now should be believable enough.
"Can you prove it?" I asked uncertainly.
"Nope. But if it doesn't work you can forget your side of the deal. Sounds fair, right?" It wasn't fair in the least. I wanted to figure out what exactly the secret was, but he was careful enough when giving information. He said just enough to keep me intrigued whilst also protecting the secret. Was this a bluff? Or was he fully convinced he could make us meet?
As much as I didn't want to get involved with Ryuuen… The value of Ibuki's location, the next step in my development, my impatience. All of that made this information more than worth its weight in gold.
"I'll hold you to that promise, Ryuuen."
"'Course. Here's to a profitable deal, for the both of us."
[Civil War]
"Ibuki, wait."
"Ack! How did you know where I was?" I had found her escaping down particularly deserted pathways on campus. She really wanted to remain incognito, I would've believed it if she were some sort of covert operative.
"I don't mind showing you, but I'd at least like to talk before then."
"What do you want?" She huffed a sigh. Good, I enticed her enough. She wants to prevent interactions like this in the future. The method I used to track her was important in that endeavour.
That meant this might be one of the few chances I had left. With time, the bonds we had at the start would lose strength, she would yearn for connection less. I didn't want that. Whilst the memory was fresh, I needed to make an impact.
"You've been avoiding me recently." Key word; recently being a massive understatement.
"…You're imagining it. I've got something to do."
"When will you be free?"
"I don't know. See ya."
"In that case; I don't feel like letting you leave."
"What's it any of your business where I go?"
"I'm interested in you, that's why it's my business. I don't like the fact we can't even talk because you keep running away from me."
"Those lines get stale the more you use them. Listen, could you make this quick? I've got somewhere to be."
"What could someone as antisocial as you have to do?" It was a genuine inquiry. The question immediately escaped from my mouth, without even thinking. The fact that it seemed like an honest assertion irked Ibuki even more.
"My patience for this conversation is quickly thinning." Ibuki's right foot begun to tap a steady, irritated rhythm against the ground. Her arms crossed over themselves. Certainly, the image of a delinquent.
"Is there a reason you're so hostile now?"
"That's how I've always been. Don't pretend any different on my account." Whilst I couldn't rebuke that as a fact, the aura she gave off before wasn't the same. On the bus she was preventing anyone from getting close, she wasn't so much pushing people away as she was avoiding people. In comparison this behaviour and general attitude was a specific defence against me. Had I made such an impact on Ibuki, that I warranted this much attention? Perhaps, my chances were better than first perceived.
"I didn't imagine you enjoying our conversations on the bus or after. Unless, you're saying those times were just an act?"
"No, not an act. A serious mistake on my own part. That's all." Had she really been taken by those rumours? Her behaviour was slightly more volatile than I expected. Assuming I'm the first friend she's made in a while… then there was the distance from home. No family or friends. In a new place, the anxiety and all those factors. That might explain it. But I feel like I'm still missing something. I don't expect any feelings of romance or the like from Ibuki just yet, that would be much too fast. So, what was it?
"None of the other girls you keep clinging to free?"
"I think you'll find they're clinging to me; it was becoming a bit of a problem, one that seems to be resolved now, mostly… Though, I think you can see how that's been going for me." If Ishizaki and his friends, or perhaps any other male student heard of my problems right now, I might be sacrificed to the sun god… I noticed that this was only a fraction of the pain that Hirata experienced daily.
If anyone was deserving of my respect it was Hirata. Every day must be hell.
"Are you hoping for pity? Sorry to disappoint, but you came to the wrong place. I've got my own issues." Ibuki's issues should've stopped as soon as she avoided talking to me. Unless she was beginning to see isolation for the next three years as a mistake…? Hmm, no. Ibuki wasn't that self-aware.
"That's disappointing."
"You didn't appear too disappointed with Manabe all over you…" Ibuki looked away for a moment. Did it hurt to look at me? In her eyes I must have been cavorting with the enemy. Betrayed by the first friend she had made in this place. Kushida also arrived with Manabe's group in her room, they seemed to get along. To Ibuki that must feel like everything she wanted was being taken away.
For a person like Ibuki, that left a simple conclusion.
I'll willingly let go of everything myself, never again will I grab hold of it. I won't get attached, that way I can't be hurt.
"I can assure you it wasn't pleasant. If anything, she scares me." In some ways, more than Ryuuen or Ibuki.
"Coward."
"Not as much of a coward as the one running away right now. Am I?"
"Who the hell said I was running away?!"
"I try to speak to you after class, you push me away. I try to speak to you in class, you ignore me. I attempt to call you, and you decline it. I give you your own space and you seem to hold it against me. What really, can I do?" Without drastic measures, Ibuki would never come to the realisation on her own.
"…Shut up. Some things are just more important." Graduation… That was the missing link. If she caused too much trouble, she may be sent away from this school. It wouldn't take a genius to realise a person like Ibuki didn't have abilities that lend themselves to the corporate world. She was abrasive, unfriendly, rude, hot-tempered. The negative character traits alone could fill out a resume.
I knew that there were a few main reasons she had stopped associating with me.
Manabe's plan was two-fold:
Remove Ibuki a possible romantic rival and use her as a scapegoat to improve her own social standing in the class.Pair with me, a somewhat well-mannered and liked member of the class. I could only assume it was something like looks or ability. Vapid character traits that quickly sought attention. The reasoning she gave on the roof could be another factor, but I think Manabe would've aimed for a target that fit her mark, whether that was me or another, it didn't matter. In a way we were similar.
Ibuki on the other hand had three main motivations behind her actions:
Graduate from this school and receive a guaranteed place of employment of her own choice. To ensure that; she needs to avoid any behaviours that could result in expulsion. Fighting with another student could be one such avenue.Prevent her first friend in an unfamiliar place from being cast aside the same as her, acting like a martyr. If we thought about it realistically, there was absolutely no reason for Ibuki to avoid Kushida as well. However, from the little conversation we had shared, they had little to no contact. She was preventing any and all interaction with other people that wanted to establish a connection, that led to a third assumption…That was to push others away before she made a genuine connection. A defence mechanism. One I knew all too well…
The last piece of the puzzle; in what order do these factors take priority?
"Getting Manabe to stop bothering you, is that it?"
"…"
"Regardless of what you might think of me, I'm not so clueless as to realize she stopped antagonizing you as soon as you began to ignore me."
"Coincidence. She might've just got bored." Those azure orbs peered right into my own. She was convincing. Ibuki could paint black as white to another person, those clear unwavering eyes conveyed that much. But it was useless at this junction. Tell me black is white as many times as you want, I've already confirmed it for myself. That makes any steps you take in the opposite direction wasted moves.
"You aren't a bad liar. Even now I can tell it isn't entirely for your own sake. But I was hoping as friends we could be honest with each other." From the bottom of my cold black heart, I truly wanted that reality to come about.
"…We aren't friends. Just classmates."
"Is that how you really feel? Because I was sure a classmate wouldn't invite a male classmate, one they don't know, into their room. And make some quite scandalous comments at that." Even I was surprised by the teasing comments she made, fever and being caught in the moment were the most likely culprits. Though, I did wonder how she explained herself to Kushida after. To be a fly on the wall in that room…
"I was delirious! That hardly counts."
"I thought you weren't sick?"
"Tch."
"If you lie about something as simple as being sick, who's to say you don't lie about other things?"
"Just… drop it. You helped me out and I'm thankful for that. And I'm sorry for everything that I did to you. Things are better like this, so just leave it be."
"Is that the truth? Who's it better for? Manabe? Me? You?"
"…"
"I gave you a week to really decide what you wanted… but it seems like you couldn't choose quite so decisively."
"What?"
"If you really wanted nothing to do with me, you could've easily avoided me at every turn. Yet somehow you were in the cafeteria before I arrived with Tokitou and his group." A little less than a week has passed since then. Tokitou had publicly invited me and his friends to lunch. The same invitation came Ibuki's way. It was a clear understanding that if she was there, then we wanted to have lunch together. An outcast like Ibuki would avoid that destined place like the plague in most scenarios, if they intended to enjoy peace in isolation. In the end the opposite happened, she was there. Waiting at a table eating lunch, practically presenting chairs as if she had saved them especially for us. Of course that wasn't something she'd ever admit of her own volition, it may not even be a conscious thought in her mind. Ibuki may be thinking in this very moment that she was there to disprove it by sitting in the same place and not interacting with us.
She would've been right if Ryuuen hadn't insisted on joining her table. Our group had no intention of joining, I almost had to take matters into my own hands. Luckily that was avoided. However, even after we arrived at the table she didn't leave immediately, it was only after attracting more attention to herself and taking actions which could've been interpreted as further involvement with me. Only after those events did she leave.
"…I just wanted lunch. Plenty of other students eat there, that proves nothing."
"You could've just walked away after Ryuuen insulted me. It was a bit of an overstep for 'just a classmate' to defend me like that. Wouldn't you agree?" All eyes were on her in the canteen after that display, she should've known that would be the case. But she did it anyway. Was it loyalty, or something else entirely?
"It had nothing to do with you, I just hate people like him. If he wants to dish it out, he should be able to take it."
"And then there's the mall as well."
"Mall? What are you talking about?"
"We both seen each other Ibuki. Apparently, you had plans, so you declined when Kushida invited you. Yet, there you were in the mall looking into the store. If you wanted to join, all you had to do was ask."
"Shut up! I didn't want to join!"
"Mind answering why you were there?"
"…None of your business."
"Your lies seem to be slipping more and more as we talk."
"Oh, shut up! Like you're any better."
"I don't remember lying to you… Feel free to refresh my memory if that's happened." Maybe lies by omission, but she wouldn't know either way.
"The very first words you said to me on the bus were a lie. Isn't that the same reason you followed that bitch around? God, I hate her. But she might be less of a pain in my ass by revealing what you really are."
"That would be?"
"A manwhore."
"Eh?"
"Gigolo. Monkey. P####. ############." The words that rolled off her tongue were so colourful in nature that my isolated, fragile and somewhat innocent mind couldn't quite grasp them. One thing was for sure, she definitely did not like me right now.
"Hold on a moment. Do you really think someone as clumsy and robotic as you've always said I am, could even do that?"
"Who knows, maybe it was all an act just to get to me as well?"
"What benefit would I get by acting that way? You said we weren't even friends back then, wouldn't that make my attempt a serious failure?"
"…It wasn't… Look, just seriously drop it already. I'm getting tired of this back and forth!" Just a bit more. That's all I need, nudge her even further.
"Sorry, us robots are persistent. I won't give up so easily." I moved forward a half step.
"…I don't want to do this. If you carry on, I'll shut your mouth myself!"
"That's a weak threat. You're in this situation precisely because you can't do that to Manabe."
"You're forgetting there's nobody nearby. So long as you don't tell anyone, I'll be fine."
"You act under the assumption that my entire relationship with you is formed from the foundations of a fundamental lie. If that's the case, why would I spare you if you chose to do that?"
"Shut up!"
"Ibuki. Your thoughts contradict themselves. If I were truly aiming for you in that capacity, then I would've used other means to achieve it." Blackmail, seduction etc. etc. There were plenty of avenues I could take, I purposely didn't. Because that wasn't my goal. "If my only interest is what Manabe has stated, base desires, I would've reciprocated her obvious interest in me and never talked to you again. Could you explain to me why neither of those things have happened?"
"I-I don't know. I don't want to!"
"The truth is, I'm not ready for that sort of relationship. It wouldn't matter who asked, the answer would remain the same. That's why I publicly rejected Manabe. Well that… and I was dissatisfied with how she had treated you prior. I didn't want to take the reins from your hands, everyone deserves the freedom to their own choices. In consideration of that fact; I thought I'd make our sacrifices equal." And that was the truth. The same reason the only women I felt I could actually talk to without that possibility arising were Mii-chan, Ibuki and Kushida to some extent.
Mii-chan already had her eyes set on Hirata, we could talk without thinking about the possibility of each other.
Ibuki was the same but in a different way. She was similar to me. She couldn't become a partner for me and vice versa because we weren't even our own people yet. She couldn't interact with the world or others around her; she had greater issues than immediately finding love. That was what drawn me to her. We shared similar goals.
As for Kushida… Well, she was a strange one. It seemed like she wouldn't be capable of it with anyone. The impression I received from her constant bubbly atmosphere was that she truly just wanted to be friends with everyone; nothing more nothing less.
"Equal… sacrifices… what are you even saying? I'm so confused…" Those brilliant blue eyes wavered slightly upon my admission.
"You gave up on the friendships, the youthful life you could lead at this school, for me and Kushida. There were other reasons, but you let go because you didn't want to drag us down with you. It might've been the path of least resistance for you, but you still thought of other people during that time."
"…How presumptuous are you? You really think I stopped because of that? For you?! A guy I hadn't even known for a full day?!"
"Conversations are a two-way street, Ibuki. I didn't imagine your interest. We enjoy each other's company, the total time we've spent together might be short in the grand scheme of things. But that hardly matters. When I think as an outcast myself, it'd still trump the amount of time I've spent with others outside of this school."
"…"
"What I want from you Ibuki; is your friendship. And I wager you want to be accepted as much as I do, even if you won't admit it. That's the entire reason I did it."
"What…?"
"Ibuki. You don't get to choose who I want to connect with. Even if you hate the idea yourself, I want to connect with you. I didn't ask for you to act like a martyr for my sake. Even if the rest of the class… No, even if it were the rest of the school, I'd still make the same choice." I had cast Manabe and others aside, the same choice Ibuki had made. It made her choice effectively pointless. Meaning there was no real reason to avoid others anymore… The only problem now; Ibuki's stubbornness.
"Eh? What the hell are you saying? Do you know how crazy you sound right now?!"
"Crazy… I'll take that any day instead of alone, again." I whispered into the soft gusts of wind patrolling the dead street.
"Has your mind melted from watching too many movies or something? Did you really think this was some kind of heartwarming scene? You just sound like a creep doing all this. Seriously disgusting. Way too needy." She was rambling. In reality she had a point, for the average person this was doing too much. But I wasn't normal, nor was Ibuki.
I could fail here.
No, I was expecting this to fail at any stage of my development. There's a certain sense of peace in knowing sooner rather than later.
"I suppose it could come off like that… I'm an oblivious and clumsy person at the end of the day. Even if you try to explain that to me, I don't know how to convey these thoughts or feelings in any other way. Would that help to prove them as my genuine motivations?" It was a clumsy, not at all convincing speech. However. These were perhaps the truest words I had spoken; not only in this school, but perhaps in my entire life.
The truth was… I wanted Ibuki to be that martyr. The sacrifice she wanted to pay, it was polar to what I had planned for the future.
"You sure know how to speak a lot… I'm not convinced. If that's your grand speech over, I'll be leaving." A spectacular failure, huh? I guess it's time for the final Hail Mary.
"Is this your way of asking me to approach again?" I gestured innocently.
"Where did you even begin to get that idea from?!" Ibuki reeled back with genuine shock and exhaustion.
"You conveniently forgot about the method I tracked you with." How could she miss something so important?
"I-I just forgot! Don't take a simple mistake as motivation to keep stalking me!" Thinking about it, the method I used wasn't much different, was it?
"If words won't do it, I'll prove it with actions. Check your contacts; there's a tracking feature, as well as an option to disable it. Feel free to do so." Ibuki immediately rummaged about for her phone in response. Honestly, I'm surprised the school was brave enough to add this feature, I'm sure there was no end to the troubles it might cause if someone had bad intentions. I had never thought to check it before, what with the few contacts I even had. My only question at this point was how Ryuuen came across this information. I doubted he even had many contacts, what with his problematic behaviour… I can only predict a headache coming from this.
"Now, I've neutered my only effective way of speaking to you alone. You can continue to run about avoiding me, that's fair enough. You could continue till graduation that way, if you so desire it. However, I'll keep mine activated. In the event that you change your mind, don't feel any need to hesitate when approaching me. Even if you block me the tracker should still work. There's no need to approach me or reciprocate my advances. But with Manabe's actions there's also no reason to avoid me. The same as before, I leave the decision in your hands. I just hope you'll make a decision you won't end up regretting."
"Huh? Wait a-"
"I don't have any more to add. See you, Ibuki."
In the event this failed… what should I do?
It was too early to say it would fail without getting a step further, I had barely even started.
I could attempt it with another person… That didn't sit well with me.
The same as I had told Manabe before; 'Ibuki wasn't special'. Precisely one of the reasons I had chosen her, she fit the profile I was looking for. A simple template. Sure, I could find another with similar features and start over.
But that felt like defeat. It missed the point. I wanted a genuine connection, one which superseded; looks, abilities, convenience, social status, wealth. Jumping ship like this… It'd really leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Unfortunately, I didn't have much time either way. A decision had to be made.
Three years.
Each and every day was another check on the calendar. Lost time that would never be repaid.
As much as I was impatient, selfishly I wished each, and every day would pass by slowly.
Regardless of my own wants and desires. I was not a person with their own agency. I belonged to someone, to something else, much bigger than myself. My ambitions were paltry and feeble in comparison to that all-consuming void.
All I could venture to do; was experience something before being thrust once again into that cold empty space.
That's all.
---
Word count: 5331
Took a while to get this chapter into a state where I was happy with it. I'm not the best with romance or these kinds of dramatic moments. Sometimes I worry I make it too melodramatic and put emphasis on the wrong aspects, but here it is, the confrontation between Ibuki and Ayanokouji after avoiding each other for so long. Let me know if the tone seems about right.
Other than that I really do apologise for lack of updates. I've been staring down this behemoth of a chapter for a while now, the next chapter in comparison is basically finished. Just some touch ups and edits and ready to post.
It wasn't so much the ideas that didn't flow, but the execution, the way that I conveyed them I had an issue with. I suppose that's just the limitations of my ability as a writer talking there. One foot forward at a time, I guess.
Hopefully you all enjoyed the chapter, let me know any of your thoughts in the comments below.
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