"You've got a lot of nerve, mate," Cohen said, sitting up straight.
"Oh? What seems to be the problem?" Umbridge asked, her sickly sweet smile still plastered on her face.
"Just memorizing basic theory, how to use spells, and the history behind them is completely useless for Defence Against the Dark Arts," Cohen said. "If that's all you're here to teach, you might as well be teaching History of Magic."
A low rumble of agreement went through the students. Defence Against the Dark Arts was supposed to be the most thrilling class, a chance to face down dangerous Dark Arts and learn how to fight them. But Umbridge, or rather, the Ministry, clearly wanted to turn it into another dull history lesson.
"If you'd bothered to read the textbook and understand the course objectives, Mr. Norton, you'd know this is the most suitable way for you all to learn—"
"But it doesn't mention using any spells at all!" Hermione interjected, her voice uncharacteristically loud and brave. She never interrupted a teacher before.
"In my class, students must raise their hand before speaking," Umbridge said sharply, ignoring Hermione's point entirely.
Hermione's hand shot up.
"Granger," she said, standing up. "The whole point of Defence Against the Dark Arts is to learn and practice defence spells, isn't it?"
"Are you all Ministry-trained educational experts?" Umbridge asked, putting on a falsely kind expression.
"No, but—" Hermione was cut off by Umbridge.
"Then I'm afraid you're not in a position to judge what the 'point' of any class is, or how it 'should be taught.' Our new curriculum was designed by witches and wizards much older and wiser than you. You will be learning defence in a safe, risk-free manner."
"I reckon not," Cohen said. "That's not how they learned, is it? I remember most of the old wizards in the Ministry graduated when Dumbledore was teaching Defence at Hogwarts, and his teaching style certainly wasn't like this—"
"Professor Dumbledore's teaching style was typically chaotic and lacked proper structure, which led to numerous educational incidents," Umbridge said, raising her voice. "He was not a qualified Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher; his main focus was always Transfiguration—"
"How was Professor Dumbledore's style chaotic and unstructured?" Harry said angrily. "What if we're attacked—"
"Raise your hand, Mr. Potter," Umbridge said.
But when Harry did, Umbridge simply turned her face away, as if to give herself time to think of a way to deal with Harry's inevitable mention of "Voldemort attacking us."
Another student raised his hand. Umbridge ignored Harry and turned to him. "Your name?"
"Dean Thomas," Dean said.
"Speak, Mr. Thomas."
"Cohen and Harry are right, aren't they? If we're attacked by a Dark wizard, we'd need some experience casting these spells, wouldn't we?" Dean said.
"Do you believe you will be attacked in my class?" Umbridge asked them, her infuriatingly smug smile back in place.
"Won't we?" Cohen raised an eyebrow. "Just yesterday, a pink toad attacked my dormitory."
"That was a surprise inspection, Mr. Norton." Umbridge showed no shame for her wild behavior the night before and quickly changed the subject. "I am reluctant to criticize this school's methods, but in this class, you have been exposed to some very irresponsible wizards, indeed—even a particularly dangerous half-breed."
She let out a piercing giggle when she said the word "half-breed."
"If you're talking about Professor Lupin, he was the best teacher we ever had!" Dean said furiously.
"Raise your hand, Mr. Thomas!" Umbridge said. "Just as I said, you have been frightened by these irresponsible professors into believing you'll be attacked by Dark magic every other day."
"We never said we'd be attacked by Dark magic at school; we've been talking about outside of school," Cohen said. "Students can't just recite the definitions and uses of defence spells in front of You-Know-Who or a Dementor and expect to walk away alive, can they?"
Cohen's words made Harry laugh. A student pulling out their wand to recite textbook information in front of the Dark Lord or a Dementor was a truly comical image.
Some students gasped at the mention of You-Know-Who's name, but they all assumed Cohen was just using an analogy, not actually suggesting he'd attack them outside of school.
"Ten points from Gryffindor, Mr. Norton," Umbridge said with a sugary smile. "Your scenario is based on an untruth. The Dark Lord is dead, and Dementors are under the Ministry's control—"
"He's not dead! He's back!" Harry said, standing up furiously. "You're lying!"
"And Dementors have escaped Azkaban, haven't they?" Cohen said coldly. "Or do you believe that an empty prison is still 'under the Ministry's control'?"
The class fell silent.
Compared to the Daily Prophet's claims that "Harry Potter is alleging the Dark Lord has returned, possibly to seek more attention," Cohen's news was far more shocking, as they had never even heard of it.
Dementors escaped?
The fifth-year students at Hogwarts had all experienced the Dementors' raids on the school in search of a fugitive, and they were all familiar with the fear they inspired.
But if all the Dementors had left Azkaban, why hadn't any newspaper mentioned it?
Students' eyes were glued to Cohen, desperate for more details to figure out if it was true.
Umbridge was also silent.
Her smile was gone, replaced by a mixture of anger and feigned joy.
Harry moved closer to Cohen, thinking Umbridge would lunge at them both.
But she didn't. She spoke to them both in the softest, most sickeningly sweet voice she could manage:
"Mr. Norton, Mr. Potter, I think you need a little punishment for spreading vicious rumors in my classroom."
Her eyes were filled with a look of "my plan is working."
"Detention?" Cohen's eyes held the same "my plan is working" look.
This woman was willing to be alone in a room with a dangerous and presumably provoked dark magic test subject?
Did she have the slightest misunderstanding of his moral character?
[Ding! Evil side quest has advanced.]