"Not going to happen, Albus," grumble-snarled Moody. "Amelia has it locked up tight, and only she has access to it. She never lets it leave her sight, unless it's secured away. I don't even know where it currently is."
With a sigh of great disappointment, Dumbledore said, "Very well. I shall endeavour to appeal to Amelia to use her common sense, yet again."
Sitting up a little straighter, he said, "The second issue is Harry, himself. He has, yet again, refused to listen to my advice and has refused to return to his childhood home where he would be safe. He is being quite rebellious."
"Safe?!" scoffed McGonagall. "The boy was abused there! Albus, you're the only one who has yet to accept that simple fact. He is far better off with his wives, the Greengrasses and Sirius."
"The blood wards I'd placed on the Dursley home..." he began.
"Are now useless," she snapped back, interrupting. "I heard what he said to you the morning the train departed, Albus. With Riddle using Harry's blood as part of his ritual, your so-called vaunted blood wards became useless.
"If he's at the Greengrasses, he's protected under the Fidelius, ancient magic and war wards. All of which are far superior, in each instance, than the blood wards you placed on Privett Drive. Leave the boy be!"
Dumbledore sighed again. This meeting was not going as he would have wanted it. He had hoped to gain their support in tracking Harry down and returning him to the Dursleys. Clearly, that was not going to happen.
"Harry must be protected, under our care..."
Dumbledore was about to appeal to them all to hunt down Harry when a letter flashed into existence directly in front of Shacklebolt. He gave a bare little jump in fright, not realising it had just been delivered by 'Dobby Express Deliveries' before casting his wand over it. Finding no enchantments on it, he picked it up. The letter was addressed to him.
Opening it he pulled it out and quickly read it. As he read, his face changed from a concerned scowl, to smiling, to opening grinning, to chuckling, before he began to openly laugh.
He was laughing so hard by the end he just handed the letter off to Moody. Of course, Moody first scanned it again before taking it and quickly reading through it.
By the time he finished, he too was laughing. "Gotta love the humour of that boy!"
Calming down, Kingsley finally managed to get his laughter under control and accepted the letter back off Moody. Reading from it, he said, "This is an open letter to... 'Fumbledorks's Disorder of the Basted Turkey'."
Grinning, as many who listened huffed as if scandalised by Harry's cheek, he continued, "Dear Disorder. As you can deduce, for security purposes, for most people I'll use false names in this letter.
"No doubt Dumb-as-a-Door has attempted to convince you all I'm unsafe where I currently am. He might have even tried to convince you I'm under some sort of evil enchantment, and need to be found so that I can be brought under the Order's care. He's tricky, that way. The only enchantment I'm under is one of love for my two wives, to whom I remind you all I'm soul-bonded; and our real family. And by real family I don't mean, of course, those wastes of good oxygen called the Dursley family.
"I'm finally free of such enchantments; or, should I say, potions? Isn't that right, Potions Queen Dolly Brew-it? Have you tried to excuse your actions to your fellow Disorder medallion holders by claiming it was all some big misunderstanding, yet? If not, well, I suppose there's still time before Mumblebore's little birdie club winds up its meeting. You should speak up while you have the chance. Of course, you can do that at any time, as the sheer volume and annoying sound of your screech could cow a dire wolf.
"Trust me, Brew-it; I understood very well what you were attempting to do. You can think yourself lucky I didn't demand the charge of attempted Line Theft be added to your charges. I doubt even Arse Pus Fumbledick's backroom shenanigans could have got you off that particular charge, had I pushed it.
"So, for the rest of you, I know exactly who you all are. Besides, the aforementioned two, there are: Borers Queenie Shot-me-Bolt, Sexy-Do-Me Bonks, and A-bore Broody; then there's Diddle-less Dangle, Oh-my-Arse Bog, Done-poo-us Felcher, Roots-us Hangin', Sniffles Snipe, Err-my-line Lance and Me-Never McGonna-Call.
Your information security is abysmal. And yet, the self-appointed Leader of the Laughable, Albumen Pustule-Sore, wants you to take care of my security needs. Ha!
"Should you approach me, attempt to cast a spell upon me or my wives and family, or otherwise attempt to do me what I consider harm - due to the current risk of Riddle and his lickspittles wanting to attack my person - I will assume you're a Death Eater who's using Polyjuice or similar who's attempting to kidnap me; and treat you as an enemy combatant. At that point, I will aim to put you down... hard. You can consider the likelihood of me using lethal force in defence of my person or family as 'High'. I cannot afford to take a chance. You can now consider yourselves well warned.
"I am a married emancipated minor. That means I'm under no one's enforced authority. No one can claim guardianship of me, any longer. No one can order me about. I'm free of such. If you try to take me by force, it will be kidnapping. And the first thing I'll do when I'm away from you, if you're lucky enough not to find yourselves dead while I escape your clutches, is make that charge to Madam Amelia Bones, herself. As I'm now a member of the Wizengamot, I believe I can easily make it stick.
"I should say I'm sorry for interrupting your little club meeting being held in the private dining room at the back of the Hog's Head Tavern; but, you see, I'm really not. Unlike the White Whiskered Wanker, I'm not a liar. I'll now allow you to return to your close physical inspection of Arse-bum's navel lint.
"See you! Hairy Pouter"
When he finished, Kingsley lowered the note and looked around with a grin on his face. Prewett and Snape were both almost red with rage, McGonagall and a few others looked amused, including Tonks. The rest, including Dumbledore, looked shocked.
"Well, Albus," said Moody into the silence. "It appears the boy has you well and truly pegged. And it appears he knows exactly what you were attempting to do in this meeting."
Then he roared with laughter again, as Dumbledore looked furious. That led to the others looking around, quite worriedly, and chatter about the risk they were taking meeting at the unsecured Hog's Head if Harry was able to deduce who and where they were so easily.
None of them, magical raised all, realised Harry had a supposedly lowly house elf spying on Dumbledore. And that Dobby had reported to Harry of the meeting. It only took Harry a few minutes to write the letter based on what Dobby told him and had Dobby deliver it while elf-invisible.
When Dobby had returned from Hogsmeade and reported he had both delivered the letter and was not spotted doing so, Harry grinned at his wives.
Daphne rolled her eyes a little but couldn't help smirking back. "You're incorrigible, you know that?"
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