Chapter 36: Unaware of Guilt
"Braaaaiiii…" On top of her flygon, a woman looked down on the falling breviary that she was just able to beat.
But despite her victory, she didn't allow herself a moment of peace, as she petted her pokemon to command him to fly once more toward the center of the island. Her flygon immediately followed the order, but in a much slower speed than she was used from him, but she didn't find it weird, as he must probably be hurt by the recent assault, the proof were the multiple wounds on its body.
At least it was able to protect her, as the only thing damaged from her was her long green ponytail, something she didn't waste any time by tying them together again.
As she was doing that, she couldn't help herself by thinking back on the strength of this random wild pokemon. "…how was anybody able to survive on this island without being killed? Even an archon would have trouble surviving here…" She silently murmured as she still looked back with fear in her voice, as only one wild pokemon was strong enough to force her to fight with all of her might, yet she was sure that this pokemon wasn't even near the strongest on this island…if even his pack.
But at least she felt that the more she approached the giant mountain in the center of the island, the safer she would be from these attacks. And she was right, as the rest of her travel happened without any issue.
Also, the moment she approached the mountain, she was able to see some human infrastructure, such as stairs, but even more importantly, an enormous post stood halfway from the mountain.
"…well I guess that's where I'm supposed to go…but it's strange, usually Geeta would be more precise with her direction…" she murmured, as she gave the order to her flygon to scale up the mountain.
She noticed some pokemon installed along the mountain, but most of them looked pathetically weak, so she paid them no mind..
"How far up is this mountain? It's almost as big as…oh, wait, I see the t…" Any words that were going to be thrown out of her mouth were immediately shut down as she was forced to contemplate the sight before her.
"Wha…by the distortion…what is that?" She was so focused on the Zenith Academy, which looked more like a giant castle of pristine white, that she didn't even notice two guards approaching her.
"Who are you, and why are you here?!" The flygon rider woke up from her surprise and looked down at them just to see two guards that weren't even worth describing.
The only thing somewhat remarkable about them was their outfit, which largely looked similar to the school uniform, except they only had golden lines on their upper body, and the logo was plastered right at the center of their chest.
Another thing worth noticing were their strength, but not in a good way, as she was mostly surprised how weak they felt, sincerely, she even wondered what they were supposed to guard when even some of the pokemon she saw when she flied up the mountain looked as strong as them, let not even talk about the braviary.
'Well I suppose that most truly strong guards are long dead now…because of this stupid war…' She pushed a sigh of sadness before descending from her pokemon and landed right in front of them.
They immediately tensed up when she landed in front of them, one was already prepared to call for reinforcement, while the other one was ready to give up his life just to hold her back for a single moment. None of them even envisaged the thought that they could beat her, as someone with a flygon strong enough to pass through Danu wasn't someone to be trifled with.
She evidently noticed their fear, but she didn't mind too much, as she took out of her pocket a piece of paper and handed it over to them.
"This is a letter coming from Geeta Violeta requesting my presence inside this establishment." Both guards only looked at the paper the same way a magicarp would look…well how it would look at anything really. "Will you take it?" She said with a little frustration inside her voice, which made the guard wake up from their surprise and immediately took the paper with them, while the other immediately calling for an escort.
'Ah…I'm too tired for this…is that how Larry feels every day? I just hope Geeta will allow me to rest before making any introductions.' But she scoffed immediately after having that thought. 'What am I even thinking? It's Geeta, I should be worried that she will immediately send me to do some work.'
She waited outside calmly, while a guard made a sign to follow him. So after taking back her flygon back into its pokeball, she walked behind him in calm steps.
She was able to see the giant gate open before her, even if it only opened a small gap to let her enter, before immediately closing behind her. She couldn't help but marvel at the sight, even if she made sure to keep a neutral expression on her face, as she did have an image to keep.
An image she wasn't able to keep at all the moment she entered the academy, as a deep frown was plastered on her face. The reason for her reaction was the multiple row of golden artifacts was placed absolutely everywhere to showcase their wealth. Even if for her, the decoration was in very bad taste, especially knowing that whoever chooses to finance this place chooses to invest in this luxury instead of a starving village.
But she couldn't voice that opinion around, so she just made sure to judge the place silently while pinching her nose. "So, I wasn't given a lot of information, so would you mind giving me some indication of what this place is? And especially how so much money could be invested without the citizens being notified?"
She tried to make some small talk to the guard, but he just looked at her awkwardly as he tried his best to come out with an answer, but to no avail. "I…I'm sorry…but I wasn't given any concrete information about this place… but… but I'm sure Miss Geeta would be able to give you these answers!"
She sighed at his answer before shaking her head. "You don't even know what the organization you're working for do? And you… never mind…what are you doing here?"
"Pardon? …oh! My job here is the guard the gate of the academy and make sure that no suspicious individuals are able to pass through…which you aren't of course my lady..." He tried to throw out a joke, but her cold stoned face made him stop chuckling as he looked back in front of him.
The reason why she kept being silent was because she was digesting the new piece of information she had just received. 'An academy? This castle is an academy? Then only kid of rich organisation should be able to join it, because I cannot imagine a kid of low statue to be able to pay to inscription fee…ah, If I knew that I would become a psychiatrist to deal with rich kid issue, I would have taken more lumba pill with me.' She thought as she massaged her head with a frustrated frown, already expecting her future headache.
But suddenly, as the guard took the first step on the stairs, he fell down on the floor.
She stopped in confusion as she watched his body slide down the stairs. '…did he trip?'
She waited for a second before realizing that he wasn't standing, which led her to inspect him. "Are you okay?" She nudged him on his shoulder, but he didn't react. Realizing that something might have gone horribly wrong, she crouched and immediately touched his neck to see his pulse, and sighed in relief when she noticed that he was still able to breathe. 'He fainted…why did he faint?'
She looked in front of her in worry, and realized that whatever made him faint came from upstairs.
She looked at the stairs with hesitation, before taking the first step and understanding why the guard had just fainted as a weird aura covered her.
'…that a weird sensation, it almost felt like I was just facing my death…' But the effect didn't carry enough power to make her waiver, so she continued to climb the stairs to inspect whatever was going on. 'Whatever it is, I will definitely have to work today.'
The sight she was facing with the moment she arrived at the top was one of multiple adults fainting on the ground, with some very rare exceptions. But the only one she truly took notice of was a tall girl with black hair flowing down her back.
'…Geeta…so she's already there…then how did the situation degenerate to this point?' She moved toward her, but before she could make even a sound, Geeta turned around to meet her.
"Welcome Rika, I hope your trip was of good nature."
Rika was surprised that she was able to notice her despite the weird aura in the air, but just attributed it to Geeta being Geeta. "…yes, hello Geeta…alright, let's cut our reunion short by two sets of questions, shall we?"
"I have an inkling of what the first one might be, so let me spare you breath, you already gave too much of it to come here on such short notice." Geeta looked back in front of her, where Morty was positioned with his pupil completely white.
Noticing that he still wasn't done with his inspection, she focused back on Rika."I suppose you read the file I sent you with the letter?"
"Hmm, yes Luciel Solarium, the gloom archon with power I'm still confused about…with severe lacerations done on its body, and even worse one done on its mind…is that because of him?"
"Quite precisely, except there is some updated information." Geeta nodded before continuing her explanation. "First, we were able to identify his power as the Gloom Archon, the power to manipulate sense. The problem is that one of the sense he control is instinct, like the instinct of facing a deadly threat…which seems to be his way to protect himself from a threat." This explanation was enough for Rika to understand why everyone was fainting on the ground, and also where this strange sensation came from. "Second, now he no longer has any juridical power over the academy, only managing power as a council member."
Rika frowned at Geeta's mention of Luciel losing his legal power over the academy, already suspecting Geeta of having done something. "And is the reason why he suddenly caused this catastrophe because of your scheming?"
Geeta pushed a sigh at her question. "If I were the culprit, I would have tried to resolve the problem by myself and you know it."
Rika's eyes softened. "…I would still have helped you if you asked…you already helped me a lot...I must repay the favour one day." She said softly, but she wasn't able to see Geeta's reaction.
"…you're right…you would have helped me…" Her world shocked Rika to the point that she thought that she was instead speaking to a ditto that copied Geeta's appearance. But Geeta didn't pursue the subject. "The reason why he went berserk was because another Archon, Acerola, tried to take away his pokemon, and he is currently trying to hide from everyone, that's why I asked Morty to find him."
Rika shook herself from her confusion and thought deeply about the new information."…so he cares about his pokemon? Do you know what kind of way?"
Geeta raised an eyebrow at her question, but she still answered. "I would say that he considers his pokemon as his only reason to live, as the last time he was fully separated from his Pokémon, he made an even bigger problem."
"…so he has an emotional need toward it…alright." Rika nodded to herself as she formulated a plan.
Geeta noticed her already making plans, but a slight guilt invaded her mind as she bit her lip."…I know you made a long journey here, an extremely exhausting one in fact, so maybe you would want to sleep before dealing with this situation. And if I may add, Luciel would probably need more time to digest what happened today before he is ready for some professional help."
"No, that would be the worst decision. If we leave him alone, he might very well develop a wrong interpretation of himself, which will send him into a spiralling self-destruction." Rika immediately refuted Geeta's proposition with a sound argument. "Especially right now, you might not have realized it, but Luciel must be extremely confused by the situation. Should I remind you remember that he was previously used to a hostile environment? So putting him in a new environment must be extremely destabilizing for him."
Geeta hesitated for a short instant before answering. "I know… that's why I try to bring you, a psychologist, the earliest I could…I just thought that he would have been able to withstand at least a week…but I suppose that my mistake only made it worse for everyone." As Geeta was about to tighten her tie around her neck, she suddenly felt Rika putting her hand on her shoulder.
"Mistake? What mistake? You made the right call, you called for my help, which was the best thing you could do." As she looked back, Geeta was able to see the full smile of Rika, not a condescending one, or a fake one that she was used to…it was a sincere one.
"…thanks…"
"No problem…just tell me why there was none of them in the first place…or did you just not trust them to be able to deal with the situation as good as me?"
Without any interest in the topic, Morty interrupted the moment by revealing the result of his investigation. "Alright, I found him…it was pretty hard as I just cannot reach him, so I had to feel where he was not to pinpoint his location, but now it's fine…but yeah, my head hurt a lot now." He said while rubbing his head in annoyance.
"Oh, I see, excellent job mister Morty, and I'm sorry about your pain, but could you lead us to him?"
"Yeah sure, that's what I'm paid to do anyway." He grumbled before looking toward Rika. "Oh, fancy seeing you here…" He stopped in the middle of his sentence, as his iris grew white, but he immediately recovered with a more confident smile. "…Rika, a war hero of Paldea…one of the few standing too…but now a psychiatrist…I understand, sometimes your first career isn't made for you, even if you excelled into it."
She frowned at his mention of war hero, and he certainly knew that she really disliked this title, yet he did it anyway. "Please don't call me like this again."
Noticing that he angered her, he raised his hand in front of his chest to calm her down. "Of course, I wouldn't want to anger you after all, I'm chill."
She narrowed her eyes, but ended up just sighing.
"By the way, do you have a plan against this little kid? Cause if he gets more agitated, we could expect more problems."
"Don't worry, I already have a plan." Rika said while stroking one of her pokeballs firmly.
But before Morty could lead them, Geeta addressed Rika. "I remember you having two questions, yet I only answered one, so please ask the second."`
Rika's eyes widened as she scratched her cheek. "…oh right…well…no, it can wait."
Geeta looked intently at her, but she turned around when she saw that Rika didn't lie. "Very well, when this is finished, just contact me."
***
"Don't worry Pandora, I know I don't have a plan, but it can't go wrong." I tried to raise the mood of Pandora, but clearly it wasn't working.
So I lowered my arm and took my leg with them, before raising them toward my face so I could lower my head into them.
"It…will be fine…" I try to reassure Pandora again…even if now I feel that I was trying to convince myself instead.
"Mimi…" Pandora said something in his language, but I wasn't able to understand, as I cut our connection…
…I really didn't want to see my face currently…I'm sure it looks even more disgusting than before.
"…Joy was…was right…I'm not cursed…she just forgot the mention that I was the curse instead… It's not that I deserve pain, but that I bring it to others…so I deserve to be punished for it…"
"Kyu…Mimim?!"
"…I hurt my friend…I hurt them despite being showered by their love…being offered sweet…not beating me…offering me clothes…I'm…horrible…is that why everyone hated me? Because despite being not being cursed…despite having the same opportunity to live as others…to enjoy living…I…I decided to ruin the lives of others…"
I contemplated onto my own world for an instant, before slowly raising my hand toward my neck.
"Maybe…maybe I don't get to be selfish…" white slowly started to cover my mind, with some skeleton from a bloodish sea slowly tearing apart this white…to regain the colour they once lost…
But right before I could strangle myself, Pandora's tendril slammed my arm on the wall.
n̸̛̹̞̮̣̖̲͓̄̅̊̌̈̾͆́́̚͜͠ḙ̵̤͒̌͆̉̾̌̽͝!̸̣̯̽̽̌̎͘"
I felt some blood leaving out of my ear from hearing Pandora speaking, but I didn't wince in pain from it…as there was no one in greater pain here than Pandora himself.
"…I'm sorry…I hurt you again…I know that hurting myself hurts you more…I…I will not…try again." I muttered as my arm slowly fell down as Pandora released me.
"…kyu."
"…Right…I should make a plan to not get hurt anymore…right? Remember, I have infinite money here, so I could take as much food as I want without getting hit! And I won't be a criminal either! And…and if I get hurt! I can go see Joy…she says she's healing others for free right? And…and she doesn't care who is on her operation table…so she won't mind if it's me…right…this place…this place will be better than our old life! So I can still bring you joy by living in luxury! Don't worry, I didn't mess it up! I can still make you happy!" Once again, I try to smile, the widest that I could, so…so I could reassure him, reassure him that everything is better now!
"…Kyu…?"
…right…I should just connect back…just to understand…
Understanding that I could now hear what he was saying, Pandora repeated himself. "Kyu? (Why don't you just return with your friend?)
My smile froze in place, before I leaned my head toward my knee again. "They…they aren't my friend…if they were my friend…I wouldn't have hurt them…and…and Cynthia would have to be afraid…of me…"
"…you do remember that she was never afraid since I met her? When everyone hated me…she approached me, she was kind to me…I was still an abomination then…and I'm still am…she even cooked a poképuff for me…she made something for me…and… and I think that's why…I'm devastated…that she's scared of me…she didn't deserve that…she didn't deserve me…"
…if I still had eyes…I think tears would have flowed out…but I didn't…probably because I didn't deserve to.
"I'm a horrible friend…and she's the best…she…she doesn't deserve me…"
"Kyu…mi…mi…I…I…kymy…mu…mu….myu…um…um…kyiu. (But it doesn't matter…if…if…I…I don't know…but…you must…you can't just give up Luciel…you almost have it…you…you would finally be able to feel joy…"
"…but…If I keep running the joy of everyone by existing…how can I dare feel it too?"
But as I was contemplating my future action, a noise reasoned in the place I thought I was alone. "Clod..." My body froze up as I heard an unfamiliar noise to my side. I immediately looked up in fear to see whoever made that sound. But as I saw no one, I stood up to run away, but that then I noticed something on the ground…it was a…
…what is that?
"Clodsire."
…I'm not sure what to call it…it brown…it looks squishy…it have so white spot on it back…and it look…stupid…
…so…it must be a pokemon…right?
The pokemon didn't appear to have noticed me, as he was just lying on the floor without any concern, so this would be the perfect moment to run away…
…but I didn't…because something called me…something deep inside me, asked me, begged me…to pet him!
"KYU! (LUCIEL!)"
"Ah…I'm sorry Pandora…you're the cutest of course…" I try to reassure Pandora before he could sulk. But my attention was diverted once more by the Clodsire…I think that it's name…raising his head to look at me, exposing his cute little belly.
When he saw me, the only thing he did was to start smiling. "Clod." He cried in a voice that made him sound dumb…but that wasn't what captivated me…it was his…
…CUTENESS!
"…myu. (…Cheater.)" Pandora stifled while looking away from me.
But I didn't let him sulk, and instead grabbed him in my arms. "Don't act like you aren't cute too… It's just that…" I said while pointing at the general direction of the Clodsire, who had a dumb smile on his face.
"Sire!" Noticing that I wasn't approaching him, he looked sad for a moment, before an idea came through his tiny brain, as he approached me with little jump.
"Kyu! Mimiiku! (I understand! It's because I'm not dumb that you don't find me as cute!)"
My smile grew awkward toward Pandora who easily found the reason, but he was right. I really loved dumb things, as when they are dumb, they don't have the capacity to hurt me…nor can I hurt them either!
…mmh, maybe I should find a way to make everyone stupid, so they would be able to like me without worrying about themself.
As this thought crossed my mind, the Clodsire finally arrived in front of me, as he raised his head high enough where I could easily pet him.
I gave a difficult look toward Pandora…or I think I did, because Pandora completely looked away from making me unable to look at it…but if he doesn't want to respond to me…then it means he can't say to not do it…so I can pet him!
But right before I could pause my hand on its nozzle, someone called me. "I know he's cute, but I wouldn't put my hand carelessly on him if I were you.
Pandora immediately locked in the person who talked, only to reveal a tall woman with a flat chest in front of me. She was wearing a black overall that was held by three black suspenders that separated her brown shirt that ended in a V-neck. Her green hair was tied up into a ponytail that reached even to her hip.
The moment I register her presence, I try to run away, but what stops me was her smile, a smile that was as shooting as Joy…which strangely made me calm down.
This was also why I finally noticed her reaching black gloves to me.
"You should use them if you want to pet Clodsis." She added after noticing my confusion.
"…you…you should go aways…I could harm you…" I try to warn her, but her expression didn't change, as she kept presenting me the glve.
I hesitantly looked at her before grabbing the glove the slowest that I could, so if she wanted to keep them, she would have time to do so.
But she didn't, and instead straightened up and watched me with anticipation.
Understanding her signal, I put on the glove before approaching my hand again toward the clodisire, and slowly caressed him.
Just this little caress allowed me to understand that this pokemon was extremely squishy, as my hand felt like they were melting inside of him. But it was weirdly very pleasant.
"You know, the reason why you must wear gloves is because his skin is highly toxic, so if anyone is trying to touch him without any protection, they would get really sick." The tall girl explained as she started to join me in the petting session with gloves of her own.
"Oh…it must be sad for him…" I said as I looked at the clodsire smiling like the idiot it was.
"You're right, Clodsis want nothing more than to be loved, taken care of, and of course receiving headpat…this is why some people might call him cursed, as his only thing he desires is something everyone deserves to have at birth…love. Yet he is unable to access it because of something out of his control."
I listened silently to her story, but my stroke started to slow down.
Rika's face grew remorseful. "But then others add the idea of using this pokemon in a way that would be able to be used…for the greater good." She said the last sentence in a low voice. "As we could easily use his toxicity and laziness to our advantage. As not only his skin his toxic, it was almost invisible on the burned earth of the battlefield…so soldiers were tripping on them before getting either poisoned by them…or executed by us…Clodsis…was mine…and he was probably the best among them, and was able to kill a lot of our enemy…by approaching them willingly because he wanted to be petted."
She looked at her pokemon in sadness. "Sometimes I wonder if he ever knew if his kindness resulted in the death of thousand…or that the people lying still on him didn't do it to receive his warmth…or maybe he knew…and he was just selfish because he valued being loved more than the lives of others."
After finishing her speech, she looked toward me. "What do you think the answer his?"
I hesitated before responding. "It…it's none of them…it wasn't his fault…he was too stupid to understand the harm he caused…and even if he did, then he would still have done it to save himself from the enemy."
"I see, so he is innocent, is that what you're saying?"
I looked at her weirdly, before nodding.
But this answer left her sombre. "Then what about you?"
"Uh?"
"Are you also guilty for the harm you caused? After all, you were born with a power you didn't ask, and despite having the power to cause untold harm onto others, you decide that you only want to be loved. The only reason why you use your power to harm others isn't even to protect yourself, but to protect others."
"No…no it's completely different…I caused harm to those who trusted me! If…if I was less selfish…then they wouldn't have been hurt!"
I tried to argue back, but she completely shut me down with her reply. "So Clodsis was selfish?"
I try to refute her argument…But I realized that I couldn't. "No…but…it because…he is dumb…so…he can't understand the harm he caused…but I can! So…I should have just left…"
"He's not dumb you know, do you know why?" Her answer surprised me, as I looked back at the clodsire, but despite what she just said, he still had these eyes devoided of any thought.
I looked back at her to get an explanation on such a lie.
She noticed my judgment, but her reaction was to only push a small smile. "The reason I say that is because he was willing to learn."
"What?"
"He was willing to change too, as when he understood that he could bring harm to others, he agreed not to jump on other people, and he was also trained to wait for someone to wear gloves when he wanted to get patted. So on this front, he's smarter than you."
"Guh." She didn't finish her offending comment just like that of course, but the harm was already done to my feelings.
"It's normal to panic after all, especially when someone is trying to take away one of your friends, but as you said, hurting your friend for it is not worth it. But instead of learning from this experience, or even trying to correct it, you ran away, leaving your other friends completely devastated."
I could only lower my head in shame at her remark. But the feeling suddenly eclipsed when I felt her hand fall on my head.
"But don't worry, that's why I am here after all, to guide you toward the right step." I looked at her in stupefaction before crossing my fingers with them out of embarrassment. "So, what do you say, want to apologize to them, I'm sure they would accept it."
"…but what if…if I cause them harm again…because I get scarred…again…"
She put her free hand on her shin to help her think, before slapping her finger. "Oh I know, what about you think back on a happy memory? It could help you keep your calm in stressful situations, and if you're able to keep your calm in these events, you will not hurt your friend again."
…good memory?
…do I have that?
"…you do have good memory right?" She said in worry.
"I…I was fed poképuff today…and…and Cynthia was nice to me too…and we went shopping at a clothes store…that…I think that was a good memory…" I said with hesitation, something she caught on to.
"Why are you hesitating?"
"…because…I don't remember feeling joy…but maybe it's because I sealed this memory…or maybe it was unpleasant…" I try to justify myself, but she only looks at me with even more worry.
"Do you really don't have any good memory?"
I try really hard to think of something else, and something else come to mind…something even more unpleasant…yet I knew that it was also the first moment I felt something I could call joy.
I moved my head where Pandora should be, and instantly, memory of an older day appeared inside my mind.
A day, where pain was my only friend…