Season: Summer
Weather: Fine weather with an ongoing heatwave. Top of 42 degrees Celsius again.
Day of the week: Sunday
Date: 29th January, 2024
I woke in a panic from a nightmare that I hadn't been able to pay my rent or bills and was drowning in debt while my family were still asking me for money, making me feel like I was going to die from suffocation.
My thrashing brought Stony Boss running and he patted my sweat soaked back, while I choked and coughed and gasped for air. He put a hand to my forehead and seemed to give a sigh of relief that my temperature was fine.
Although completely embarrassing and humiliating, it felt kind of nice to have someone around and have someone care for me. It had been such a long time since someone last cared for me like this. It was like being bathed in comforting warmth, and made me feel like I was not alone anymore.
Stony Boss handed me a glass of water and helped my trembling form walk to the bathroom. When he was sure that I would be fine on my own, he went out to make breakfast.
I felt that perhaps I would need to be more assertive and stand my ground to get him to leave. Having a stranger around in my private space, a man, no less, made me feel very vulnerable. And yet, I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to cling to that kindness, comfort and care and enjoy the feeling of being looked after rather than the feeling of being pulled in too many directions at the same time or having mountain after mountain of stress dumped on me.
Would I ever be able to find someone who would unconditionally love and care for me? I doubted it. I should just get my head screwed back on straight.
After my shower, I came out of the bathroom to realise the air conditioner was still on. The cool air was nice and pleasant, but I wasn't worthy of such a luxury. I couldn't afford it. Just thinking of this quarter's looming utility bill, the hospital bill from yesterday and the lack of money from my two lost jobs made me lose my head. Last night's dream didn't help.
I rushed to turn the air conditioner off, clutching my head. I looked at the surprised man in the kitchen.
"Miss Brown?"
"Who asked you to turn the air conditioner on? Out! Get out!" I yelled at him. "You don't understand. You don't know anything. Why are you even still here? You aren't welcome. I can't afford all this. I can't even pay you back. I can't - I can't... I can't..."
The man stopped what he was doing and rushed over to where I had sunk onto the ground, rolled in a sobbing ball on the floor and rocking myself in a bid to get control of my emotions back. He grabbed a bunch of tissues and just patted my back.
Without the air conditioner on, the heat in the apartment was rising quickly again. I could feel it seeping in to try and cook me and my brain. I couldn't take it. Couldn't stand it.
There wasn't enough money. No way to live. What was I meant to do? I still needed to send money home to Bezel and my parents. Still needed to pay for the rent. Still needed to take care of my health and pay medical fees. Now I was indebted to this boss from work.
"Go away. Leave me alone," I pushed him away, stumbling upright and pushing him toward the door. "Get out. Out!"
"Alright. Alright," Stony Boss looked upset and concerned. He grabbed his things and put on his shoes, not resisting my shoving. "I'm sorry if I've made you upset. Let's talk when you're feeling better."
I wanted to blame him. Blame my direct line boss. Blame everyone else for all my troubles and financial difficulties. But I couldn't. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't their problem. It was mine.
I felt sorry. I felt bad. As if I was biting the hand who had fed and cared for me, but right now, I needed space. Needed time. I didn't want a stranger - a boss from work, seeing me at my lowest. It was too much. I needed to make plans. I needed to find work.
He left, leaving a half cooked breakfast behind. I didn't feel hungry and left it for later, hugging Captain Hank Ted and crying. I fell asleep there in the lounge and woke up with my sweat plastering the brown fur of the giant teddy bear to my skin. Yuck.
I was going to have to find a way to get Captain Hank Ted washed and cleaned without injuring him.
I drank a boxed nutrient supplement, ate a half hearted mouthful of solid food and went back to bed nursing my misery. I counted and recounted my money and budget and no matter how I tried to adjust things, the money still fell short.
When I got myself back under control, I started job searching and applying for early morning and weekend work. I might have to work on Sundays now as well to make up for the shortfall. It wasn't going to be a pleasant few weeks.
At least I wouldn't have to wake up too early when I got up for work on tomorrow. At least for now.