Eleven year old Daron Lucitor Ordana sat back in his throne, turning to one of the watermelon servants. "Status report about getting the Corn People to join our cause." He asked.
"Waaw! Wah wah! Waaaah!" His right hand melon explained.
"Damn it, I knew selling kettle corn coated in mariahana was going to come back to bite me. It was meant to be a peace offering, not a threat." He knew it should've been caramel popcorn coated in cocaine.
"Waaah. Waaawaa." Said melon continued on.
"Hmm … it'll be asking a lot, and the Melon union would riot if I offered that much territory." He muttered. "Bring it up with farmer Melon and we'll come back to the situation at hand. How are we doing with reaching out to the Dark Hand?"
"Waaaaah!"
"What do you mean they're calling it shabby?! I counterfeited coupons that could fool the CIA! And Benjamin Franklin already looked like a woman, no one's going to read that deeper into a few stacks of hundreds!"
"Waaawwaaa!" They explained.
"Oh, so just because they have someone who can clone bills they think they have an endless supply of money." He rolled his eyes. "Sure sure, just let inflation kill the world, not villains." He was glad his mom taught her about having integrity for subtle evil. "What about the space candy we've been distributing to the masses? That should be our third to fourth biggest intake."
"Waaawwwa."
Daron sighed in relief. "Glad to see something went right. Make sure to take out any snitches." He received a salute in return.
Before he could continue, a bag was dragged over to him, the inside of it was moving. "Waaaggg." An intruder? Strange, they weren't expecting an attack yet.
"Open it up, I wanna see who I'm taking down." The bag was opened to reveal … "Uncle Steven?"
"I … I don't even know how they caught me … what the heck did I stumble into?" His mom's old crush shook his head and looked around. "Huh, when Jana said you were the head of your gang, I had hoped that meant a clique at school."
"Pfft, you're so funny Steven, I don't go to school. Not since I burned down the playground." Daron laughed. "Nah, with Mom focusing on hell now, I got to dip my roots into her old business. I even got a mentor for extra support." Speak of the Devil, Onion came in with a bag full of marbles. "Perfect, just cover them with iron paint, and we'll have fake bullets for weeks."
"Wawaha." His mentor pointed to Steven's head.
"No, we don't kill family, I thought I made that clear with you on day one." Daron explained. "Plus that would make Rebecca cry, and the moment I do that, I kill myself."
"... I have so many concerns and I don't even know how many of them are relevant." The man muttered. "So you're doing legitimate criminal activity, and may or may not have killed people?"
"Let's just say when your parents rule over most of the known underworld, you can get away making a few bodies disappear." Daron snorted. "Plus it's all good. There's this little program in hell that's all about redeeming sinners, so the more people I get rid of, the more that hotel has business, so it all balances out."
"Uh huh." He nodded. "And how many of them are legitimately innocent?" The man asked as he turned to Onion.
"Mmm … Wawah."
"Little to none…okay, so as long as you're not hurting innocent people I can….pretend to look past that." His uncle sighed. "Just please tell me you're not involving the kids in your illegal exploits."
"Comet comes for some smile dip to help keep the edge off from time to time." They guy just got so worked up from all his studying. "But in terms of legitimately endangering or bringing kids under the age of fifteen into this, trust me, I don't-"
"Hey Daron!" Rebecca came in. "I got that unicorn meat we needed for the dwarves on …" The girl pauses, glancing at her dad. "... Hello stranger, I'm … Cetecca, nice to meet someone I have never seen before."
"Rebecca, you're terrible at lying." Steven looked at his daughter blankly, before glaring at Daron. "How long?"
"A full year." Daron slumped his shoulders. "Come one, you know she is when she gives the puppy look, how can I resist?"
"Plus I get to mess with crazy magic and fight ghosts!" She shouted. "It's super fun!"
"I guess given the world we live in, I should've expected this…and me and my sister did just as crazy stunts when we were no older than you Kids." The man sighed. "But if you're going to keep doing this, then there needs to be limits. Rebbecca, no killing under any circumstances. If a situation gets too out of control, call me."
"Fiiiine." She pouted, her hair dropping onto the ground.
"I'll have your mom and Pearl start you up with some sword fighting lessons, because I know you're going to be in a fight eventually sometime down the road.."
"YAAAAY!"
"And you'll start three times a week after school, and when you do, no back alley shenanigans with Daron." Steven continued.
"I make sure to keep her away from the bad stuff." Daron rolled his eyes, ignoring the 'HEY' from the girl in question. "Oh, FWI, the Dark Hand organization started moving from standard back alley deals and heists into archaeological finds. I wouldn't normally question it, you can sell some stuff for a pretty penny, but they've been particularly focused on china despite being grouped in america."
"I'll have to notify Ladybug about that, see if she could get some of the miraculous holders over there to investigate." Steven sighed before giving him another glare. "And as for you, little Ordana, for your mom's sake, I know that you're not completely evil, but don't get too comfortable with my daughter too soon."
"What are you talking about?" He asked with a tilted head.
"Just warning you … if you break your heart, you'll have both me and all of Homeworld aiming for your head."
"Why does he make it sound like we're dating?" He asked the girl in question.
"Wait, we're not?" Rebbacca asked, equally confused. "But you gave me a ring pop! We're engaged!"
"That's for wedding rings made out of gold and jewels, a ring pop is for friendship!" He shouted.
"But you promised to always be there for me!"
"Because you're my friend and probably planning on doing something stupid!"
Onion turned to Steven with a look. "Waaahhhw."
"Yeah, they're crazy, but considering how my first experience was, I think they're doing alright." He resented that!
========================================================================
"Alright, test number fifteen." Rebecca smiled. "Turning a tree to stone!" Come on Medusa gaze, do your magic! All you special animals would be nothing in the face of Rebecca Demayo Universe Butterfly!
"And done!" She turned to her cousin Azura, who was messing with a line. "Behold, I turned magical glyphs into a fuse … because after that portal into space, I'm not taking chances."
"Oh it wasn't that bad. That's how we spent the week with Kendra!" The tetramand princess who was also a daughter of one of dad and aunt Star's friends.
"Oh I'm not denying the day wasn't fun … but the five minutes we spent in the breathless vacuum of space?" Meh, she had a point, it was pretty boring at the time. That was also how she found out her hair could hold in 'pockets of oxygen', whatever that meant.
"Alright alright, fuse it is." Rebecca moved back. "Now then, in the words of your mom?"
"EAT MAGIC SUCKA!" Azura slapped the glyphs, which began chaining in the direction of their latest target. "Now if what I read in the glyph book was right, the tree should become pure stone…" The plant did…as well as streaks of red heat running through it.
"Ooooh, magma tree! Even better!"
"Not when we're trying to take prisoners." Azura deadpanned. "Are you sure you only used two fire glyphs?"
"Of course I did!" She said confidently. "Two fire glyphs and nine light glyphs to make it extra bright and colorful!"
"No, using that many light glyphs increases the heat!" Azura exclaimed. "Wait, we were making stone. Why were you trying to add 'color' of all things to it?"
"What, we can't be creative?" Rebecca asked with a raised eyebrow.
"We can be creative after we get the spell itself down. How else are we gonna take down guards, drag them back to our base, and demand information?" Her friend asked.
"Scream in their ears and don't relent until they give in." Rebbeca answered. "That's how I get Comet to give me a piggyback ride twice a week."
"And yet he throws you through a window the other five times." Azura looked at her after placing ice glyphs on the ground. "Well at least that's another offensive spell on the catalog. Let's move on to potions."
"Oh, maybe we can finally crack invisibility." She smiled. "You know, one that lets us breathe while we use it and not die due to lack of oxygen."
"Been working on that one for months. Closest I've gotten to something workable is the camouflage bomb." Azura took out a blue vile and smacked it against the ground, turning a chunk of the floor army suit pattern green. "Even then, it still washes off with water, so I can't use it in the rain."
"Hmm … maybe we should try mixing in some plant magic, so it's more natural than artificial." She tried to suggest it. Rebecca may have not been the best student, but she picked up some things here and there from Comet…that and the only lessons she dedicated anytime to learning was everything magical. "Ooh, what if we added some palistrom wood into it, that's filled with magic, right?"
"Graunti Eda just got started replanting those in the boiling isles, getting a sample would be hard to ask for." Azura cupped her chin. "Then again we could always try carving something out of … hey, Hooty, you down for giving us some body parts for magic experimentation!?"
"Am I ever!" The bird demon popped out of the travel bag he was in whenever he wanted to visit Aunt Luz. "Just give me a second, I think I can cough out a stomach or six if I concentrate."
"You're lucky. Your parents let you hang around demons. I still have to keep my fire breathing fire ants at the barn." Rebecca groaned.
"What can I say, they're family, not friends." Azura smiled at the slightly horrific scene before them. "Besides, you get to ride into space every other weekend."
"Yeah, but it's always 'diplomatic'." She air quoted. "Come on, why did we have to be born in the most boring time period?"
"You mean the period without evil dictators and mad gods?"
"Exactly!" She exclaimed. "I want my chance to be a hero too! Where's my enemy that'll target me because of something my parents did? Who'll be that one obstacle that I'm always struggling to surpass while learning important emotional lessons about life!?"
"Well to your credit, you wouldn't be the first in line for that." Azura deadpanned. "Ian, Mariposa, and Meteora kinda have a headstart on you in terms of response to problems." She sighed. "Besides, if there was some malevolent force trying to kill you, we'd have less time to work on magic and eat grandma moon's pies."
Rebecca thought about it for a moment. "Fair … but I still wanna do something big and epic that'll change my life, at least once in my life."
"Mama said that's just puberty and childbirth." Azura recounted. "Though when I asked her what it was like for her doing that on the boiling isles, she just hugged me for twenty minutes promising me she'll never be like Olidia."
"Trauma is weird." Rebecca muttered. Then again, it gave her dad super pink powers, so it couldn't be all that bad. "So, ready to test potions with Hooty organs!?"
"I am!" Said demon shouted. "Now I can see what all my food goes through when they enter my mouth!"
"Rebecca, your dad's here to.." Aunt Amity walked into the room and paused. "Azura, we said no dissecting hooty's Organs on weekdays. The smell lingers forever and the stains never wash off."
"We're not dissecting them though." Azura whined. "We're just putting them in a pot and seeing if we can make a potion out of them."
"Even so, your room's going to smell like owl guts for the next week now." Aunt Amity sighed.
"Sorry about that." She patted the girl on the back.
"Why are you apologizing?" Azura asked. "You're already helping clean the mess when it's over."
"Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of my dad calling me." Rebbeca ducked her head and headed out the door, only to be stopped by a pink shield.
"Actually, I think I can spare the next hour walking around the Isles while you clean." Her dad smirked down at her. "If you cause a mess, you clean the mess, don't lob the responsibility on someone else."
"Didn't you and Aunt Star jump out of windows all the time when people accused you of crimes?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Correction, they accused me of my mom's crimes that I had to pay for anyway. Think of this as my way of breaking the cycle." Her dad laughed.
"Dang it." She snapped her fingers as she turned around. "Alright, grab the mop."
"I'm on it!" Hooty began coughing as Rebecca prepared for the longest couple hours of her life.
========================================================================
Ian was enjoying a salty ice pop. It was the perfect treat for the situation at hand. "FINALLY!" His niece, Rebecca, shouted as she pulled out a flaming sword. "A challenge from an elder god! And our parents are all off planet!"
"Not a good thing." Mariposa pointed out. "That's kind of out of our magical weight class. Took some magical fusions to amp up something on Bill's scale."
"Okay, who decided it was a good idea to piss off a god today?" His only nephew, Comet, frowned as he looked at Meteora.
"Don't look at me, it was all your girlfriend's fault." Meteora pointed to the bulky orange skinned girl with purple hair and a rock for a nose.
"She's not my girlfriend!" The boy shouted.
"I thought I identified as a female companion." Rocka blinked in confusion. "Was I off?" The half gem was always funny to watch.
"I have not come for anyone in particular." The three headed deity spoke. "I was awoken from my slumber, now I shall fulfill my duty as the judge of humanity, and determine if they are worthy of survival." Said creature explained to the group.
"Well, we're screwed." Mariposa slapped her forehead. "It was nice living while it lasted."
"I always thought I'd make it to my thirties." Daron sighed, patting Rebecca on the back. "Looks like this is the end."
"Does this mean we get to kiss while the world burns away!?" Rebbeca shouted excitedly.
"If we're going to die, can we keep the PDA out of it? It's my final request in life." Meteora rolled her eyes.
"Three tests of Mind, Body, and Soul." The three heads answered, each one speaking individually.
"Guys, stop fussing, we have a shot at living here." Ian remarked as he bit into his dessert.
"How is he so calm right now?" Comet asked.
"Apparently he just inherited this weird acceptance of reality. I've never seen him actually panic or get super frustrated about anything." Mariposa said.
"It's both infuriating, and remarkable." Meteora added on. "Well, I might as well go out fighting. Let's get started"
"The first test is a riddle." The right head spoke, gazing at them with an inquisitive look.
"Let me help." Comet smirked. "As a trivia master."
"Sure sure." Ian replied.
The eyes began to glow. "The one who made it doesn't need it, the one who buys it doesn't buy it for himself, and the one who needs it doesn't know he needs it. What is it?" The deity asked.
"Alright, let's go over-"
"A bra." Ian answer easily, before going back to his pop.
"You idiot!" Comet yelled. "That's clearly not going to fly!"
"... I'm sorry, what?" The deity asked in bafflement.
"A robot builds it, but androids don't wear them unless it's for roleplay. A guy walking into the store for his girlfriend doesn't need it. And a growing girl doesn't know she needs it to stop her chest from hurting." Ian responded with an eye roll.
"... Is it always like this?" Rebecca asked with a weird eye twitch.
"Pretty much." Mariposa nodded. "It has its charms from time to time."
"That … that's not the answer."
"Hey, if it fits it fits." The teen responded.
"You can't just put in whatever you please!" The being shouted, glaring down at them all, the ground cracking.
"Sure I can. It fits your parameters of the question. Nothing else could go there."
Fire blazed around them, fangs bearing down. "THE ANSWER IS COFFIN! Nobody knows they need death and they can't get it themselves!" The being of almighty power shouted.
"Thanks for the answer." He turned to the gapping Comet. "So, you wanna put in your response?"
"Wait, you can't answer when you already…"
"Ian wasn't the one you asked to answer it, Comet was, so it's still open to be answered." Daron caught on to what he was going with. "Besides, this is all of humanity on the line, then that means all of humanity gets their own answer."
"That clearly violates the parameters I set out!"
"Well then why didn't you state the parameters before you asked the question?" Meteora asked. "You just said 'the first test is a riddle'."
"You know for a god, you didn't think this out very much." Ian laughed. "Out of all the ones that came before, gotta say, you're the most disappointing."
The deity screamed in rage. "I HAVE SPENT COUNTLESS MILLENNIA ON THESE TRIALS! AND YOU DARE TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF THEM!?"
"Wow, talk about someone with a lot of free time on your hands." Ian noted. "Do you do paper mache too?" He questioned as he took another bite of his treat.
The three headed deity stared at them, eyes outright bleeding as it switched to a new head. "Now we move onto the test of … body …"
"I'm out." Ian began walking away. "One of you crazies can take this next."
"THAT IS A WAY TOO HYPOCRITICAL STATEMENT COMING FROM YOU!" Comet shouted.
"Comet, I am more than willing to participate in this endeavor." Rocka bowed as she showed herself off. "You said before I had the best body here, correct?"
"I-I said that in private!"
"So should I tag team, or do you want to keep flirting with your girl?" Mariposa teased.
"She's not my girl!"
"Indeed, I am no one's property but my own." Rocka followed up. "Though I wish to own Comets children once I reach the age of consummation." The boy in question made a high pitched whine.
"Okay, I take it back on the PDA, this is kinda hilarious to watch." Meteora giggled.
"HAS HUMANITY REALLY FALLEN SO LOW AS TO FORGET I EXIST!?" Oh right, Elder god.
"Yeah, I wanna fight some baddies!" Rebecca shouted. "Bring it on!"
"Know what, screw all you children! I'm leaving! Humanity's too stupid to even waste my wrath on!" They shouted, reaching the sky. "Maybe the Ectonurites are ready for enlightenment!"
Rebecca stared at the god flying away. "Hey, we got out of it scratchless." Comet smiled. "Who knows, we survived-" He was grabbed by his cousin. "... Rebecca?"
"You all … drove off … my first big boss … with insanity …"
"I've seen this before." Daron began walking away. "See you all in hell!"
"Screw you, Ordana, not all of us have three story condos waiting for us in the fiery pit!" Meteora yelled as Rebbeca's hair started to get tentacle-like. "What the-I thought Woolet's didn't have this much control over their hair!"
"Being a quarter gem apparently means something even if you don't have one yourself!" Comet screamed as Rocka carried him bridal style.
"I will protect my cherished one."
"YOUR GIRLFRIEND WON'T SAVE YOU COMET!"
"Okay idiots, let's make like a tree and get the fuck out of here!" Mariposa grabbed him and Meteora and made a run for it.
"How have we lived this long without you getting an analogy right once?" Ian asked in confusion.
"I don't know, how have you lived this long being an adorable moron?" Mariposa countered.
"Touche."
========================================================================
Pearl slid in, doing a quick twirl as she smiled at the awestruck group. "And that my friends, is what you'll learn if you start with the basics."
"Screw the basics!" Rebecca shouted, moving forward. "MAXIMUM EFFORT!" She shouted, before going out of control as she hit the wall, her hair acting as a bouncy ball as she was sent rolling backwards, eventually sort of pin balling around the rink. "Tada! That was my pinball style!" She had her father's enthusiasm at least.
"Sure it was cuz, sure it was." Comet laughed as he took the basics of what he was shown and gently but gracefully skated forward. "Just keep holding my hand Rocka, you'll get your balance right after a few tries."
"I figured it out." They said, replicating half of Pearl's moves as everyone stared with dumbfoundment. "It's easier to do this than it is that paper stuff you're always working on." Pearl had to hold her tongue in half the time to remind herself of how not like her parents the second gem hybrid was.
"Hah, your girlfriend's got so many legs up on you." Daron smirked. "Height, muscles, fighting. Want me to buy you a skirt since she clearly wears the pants?"
"Not particularly, and besides, your girlfriend is building up enough momentum to …" Comet paused, simply moving out of the way just a tad before his cousin launched into Daron with the force of a freight train. "Do that."
"And that's why I stick to my palisman." Azura observed as she floated above the group while sipping a drink. "Statistically speaking, flight is the safest way to travel."
Pearl glanced over to see Bismuth awkwardly hanging out with Steven and Star. "Hmm … I brought her here in hopes of expanding her friend group … maybe this was too far of a move."
"Aren't you the neurotic gem that barely acknowledged humans at all, let alone friendship?" Meteora asked as she and Mariposa supported the constantly tripping Ian by standing side to side next to him.
"I'll have you know I've greatly expanded upon my social skills ever since Mewni was restored in earth's orbit." Pearl huffed. "I've gone on plenty of dates for that matter."
"Really?" Mariposa asked with confusion. "I've never seen you on one."
"I said I've been on dates … never said they lasted long." Pearl sighed. "I'm willing to put myself out there, I'm willing to commit, I even have a profile on the interweb, but every time I try to extend it past a casual 'hook-up' as it were, that's when everyone drops interest."
"We'll first, maybe don't use tinder as your go to for dates, that's nothing but a list for people looking for one night stands." Comet pointed out.
"Actually it was my second choice, my first was-" She was tapped on the shoulder, turning to see a young girl bush as she wrote a number on the gem's arm, before giggling and skating away. "… That."
"Wow …" Ian muttered with wide eyes, staring even as he tried to not fall. "She's got more game than all of us combined."
"I say. My parents might not be able to control themselves around her if they didn't have each other." Azura pointed out.
"So … have you tried a gem?" Rebecca asked, supported by Daron.
"Oh come on now." She waved off with a chuckle. "We just liberated Homeworld a couple decades ago, it's a little fast for romancing a gem."
"You're kidding me, right?" Rocka said with an eyebrow raised. "Taking the fact I exist out of the question, there's literally a gem hookup happening every five minutes in nexus city."
"… Seriously?" Pearl asked with confusion.
"Gems and witches, gems and amphibians, gems and other gems are literally the most common of those things." Mariposa went on. "Guys, remember how Volleyball and Spinel acted around each other?"
"Trauma can bring people together." Meteora snorted. "I'm pretty sure that's why half of us exist right now."
"Alright, I'm just gonna ask it out loud." Daron interrupted. "What makes you think two gems like each other?"
"Fusion … it's kinda Garnet's whole thing." Pearl pointed out. "Along with Rhodonite and especially Fluorite."
"Have you considered that fusions are not the only thing that can keep a relationship together?" Ian asked.
"I know that, it was just … more of a gem on gem thing." She responded. "Like how witches bind their souls together with a magical link."
"Fair point." Rebecca nodded. "So was fusion all you had with dad's mom?"
"Considering her 'free spirit' nature … yes, yes it was." She sighed. "To my credit, there was also a sense of loyalty …. Lots of it."
"Don't worry Pearl, we'll help you." Rebecca smiled.
"We will?" Comet asked with confusion.
"I figure if I deal with Crystal Gem emotional problems, maybe it'll translate into fighting a god someday." So she was just a means to a ridiculous end…lovely. "I mean, we're love experts! Rocka's got Comet…"
"We're not.." Comet was stopped as the hybrid gem girl squeezed him affectionately. "Oh what's the point in fighting it anymore?"
"Mariposa and Meteora have this causal vibe going with Ian…"
"Wait what?" The boy in question blinked in confusion.
"And I've got Daron." The girl turned to the demon boy. "Isn't that right?"
"I will neither confirm nor deny."
"Oh, and I guess Azura…hey, what is your thing?" Rebbecca asked.
"I only feel an intense Romantically emotional connection to works of art." The witch girl shrugged. "If any of you were two dimensional and had sketchy outlines, maybe I'd give you all a shot."
"That was supposed to reassure me, how?" Pearl asked with skepticism.
"Because we will never give up with romance, and we will scour the globe to find someone that likes you!"
"Besides Bismuth?" …. They all turned to Mariposa, even the girl she was holding onto. "What, did no one else see it?"
"Huh, guess that makes sense, they're old war buddies, right?" Comet asked out loud.
"Be glad you don't hear the flirting when they train with each other." Meteora shivered.
"What the, we don't flirt!" She shouted with a bit of embarrassment.
"I mean, it's not as bad as Ruby and Sapphire but …" Ian shrugged. "So, Should I grab us snacks? Because if I try and stand up one more time I think my skull's gonna crack against the ground."
"Don't worry little guy, we'll lead you there." Mariposa snickered as the trio went to the snack bar.
"How the heck did that happen?" Comet scratched his head.
"Childhood friend thing." Daron summed it up. "Pretty sure their mindset is 'if we're going to do it, might as well be with your best friends'." How was this still less concerning than Steven and Star's teen relationship issues?
"So, operation bed Bismuth is a go?" Rebecca asked.
"Can we not go with that?" Pearl asked.
"I don't know a sex word that starts with P." The half woolet shamelessly shrugged.
"Pegging." Daron without remorse answered. "Don't know if that's something Pearl would enjoy though."
"Could we drop this conversation?" Pearl asked, rubbing her forehead. "We don't even know if she likes me."
"Who likes who?" Asked Marco as he came through, twirling around with ...
"Nothing, no one, I wasn't saying a thing!" Pearl tried to dismiss once she saw Bismuth struggling to keep herself stable once Marco let go of Bismuth.
"We're trying to get Pearl up with a long term date." Rebecca said without remorse. "Bismuth, you have free time and live forever, make the girl feel comfortable."
"I um, I what?" The gem asked with a confused blush.
"Oh, so you finally noticed." The man nodded. "Star learned it day one, but Bismuth wanted it a secret because Pearl was getting over Rose." … What?
"MARCO!" The buff gem began shaking the boy in question around.
"... Is this what they meant by people calling my dad suicidally reckless?" Comet asked.
"Pretty much." Mariposa chuckled, coming back with a plethora of greasy snack food. "You should've seen him after Uncle Steven and Aunt Luz beat him up when they found out Star was pregnant with you."
"Thank you for taking photos of it." Meteora laughed. "Seeing that stick in the mud in agony fills me with an indescribable pleasure like nothing in this mortal plane could hope to achieve."
"Seriously, the hate boner you have for my big brother is getting old." Mariposa rolled her eyes.
"Well we're still waiting for this guy to get a clue.." They pointed to Ian, now holding an ice pack on his head. "So I can't exactly act on the other type yet."
"Wait what?" Marco asked with confusion as he was being shaken upside down by Bismuth.
"Can nobody here keep a secret!?" The rainbow gem shouted.
"Secrets are bullshit that only make our lives worse." Azura stated. "Thought that would've been obvious to you by this point."
"But without secrets we wouldn't have fun mysteries to uncover." Rebecca pointed out.
"Mysteries are one thing, uncovering emotional baggage just gets tiring after a while." The witch girl countered, before turning to Pearl. "So are you going to jump while it's hot or just stand still like a tree the rest of the night?"
"I'm still stuck on Bismuth apparently wanting me to get over Rose." The pale gem admitted, trying to process the last couple of minutes.
"Well, aren't you?" Rebecca asked her. "Or are you still wanting to cling to the frivolous lying manipulative angry tantrum pink brat that mainly cared how she felt in the moment rather than how everyone in her own life felt?"
Pearl was definitely past Rose, it was just more the surprise of Bismuth … with a sigh, she skated over. "Would you … care for a dance?"
Bismuth stopped her shaking of Marco and threw him to the side. "...Yes."
"Don't worry …" The boy in the wall said. "We got your song for you … Comet, do you mind getting a wrench or something?"
A familiar melody went on the speakers. "Cam's Camshafts!" Pearl smiled.
"I know commercial jingles are supposed to be catchy, but I think Pearl likes it a little too much." Ian groaned. "Okay, I'm starting to see doubles now…Meteora, have you always had three heads?"
"... Yes, I've been growing them in secret while slowly planning on world domination." The girl rolled her eyes.
"Oh, in that case do you mind leaving the Big Donut in one piece when you do?"
"Again, how you've survived being an adorable moron will be one of life's greatest mysteries." Mariposa sighed with a small smile. "Come on.." She let her two closest friends in a chain. "Lets dance."
"Yes, let's." Pearl grabbed Bismuth's hand as she led her through the rink. Life may have not turned out how she wanted it to go…but she was satisfied and happy with where it took her.
========================================================================
"SCREW YOU SPACE TIME!" Comet shouted, kicking a time criminal in the shin repeatedly. "SCREW YOU AND YOUR COMPLICATED CLOSED LOOP!"
"I think you hate time travel more than your family does." Professor Paradox commented with a raised eyebrow.
"I do when there's extremists trying to stop said family from being born!!" He kicked the bastard in the stomach and punched him right in the face. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, MAN!? What the actual fuck IS YOUR PROBELM!?"
"My problem is that with so much peace in the future, it ruined my business!" The bastard complained like a little kid.. "My business hinges on pettiness and grudges lasting between people, but your family's universal peace keeping drowned out every opportunity I had!"
"Then talk to Daron you piece of shit!" He kicked the man where no man should be kicked. "He runs legitimate illegal activity!!"
"Um, dude." Nafcy Forever Fryman, the only sane person Comet could call his friend…well Rocka filled half that quota, called out. "We need to hurry and get the ring back, or we'll lose Ian." Nafcy looked through the catalog that her parents gave her. "According to my mom's research…"
"You mean the stalker notes she wrote when spying on my mom?" Comet responded dryly.
"...According to her research.." She kept going. "While your family held the wedding, Bluebird appeared for the first time attempting to crash it while Marco held the safe in his hands for most of the day. Which means the only time we can return the ring without causing a paradox is a brief five minute window while your dad fell asleep keeping watch."
"Or I could just open a burrow inside of the safe and shove it inside of there." Bunix, the hero of the future, pointed out. There was a moment of silence. "Like seriously, this isn't the first stolen artifact from time I've had to return. Look at Louie Incorporated for crying out loud."
"...Damn it, I wanted to use this research for something." Nafcy sighed as she handed the ring over to the bunny miraculous user. "Have something to show for all the hours mom had me watch 'home movies' every week for twelve years."
"Well you can write the note, because apparently we need to make the next wedding safe-time-proof." Comet sighed. "I just wanted to be in the library today to finish my report. Why am I the one that got sucked into this time-twister of a day? Rebbecca's the one that wants adventure, not me!" He argued. "Is it really that hard to ask that everything stays calm until I reach medical school?"
"Yes." Everyone else spoke simultaneously.
His eye began twitching, once more kicking the criminal. "So, please tell me that's all." He asked the Professor.
"That's all the extraneous effort that will be required of you for today, correct." The doctor who rip-off nodded his head. "However, there is something I wish to show you that I believe will give you a better perspective, if you wish to have it."
"If it doesn't require me to jump through flaming hoops and dive head first into black holes, then I'm all for it." Comet groaned.
"Great, now then, off you go." With a pat on the back, Comet ended up in a room, a strangely familiar one to boot.
"Huh?" He looked around…it looked just like the living room, but much smaller and less decorative. "Did I fall through another time window again?" How many of those did mom make as a kid?
He heard rumbling and quickly ducked for cover behind a counter, seeing much, MUCH younger versions of Grandpa Greg pushing Grandma Camila on a wheelchair, holding what looked like a swaddled up bundle of blankets. "I say, the little guy can sleep through just about anything."
"I know, such a calm and accepting presence. Luz just cried all the time … honestly I'm a little concerned he won't cry when he needs something." The woman noted with a wince.
"Hey, the only experience I had was babysitting Sour Cream one time. I was almost dead on my feet after one day." The balding man laughed hesitantly. "I don't want this to sound like I see this as a second chance after everything with Steven…but sometimes that feeling.."
"I understand how you feel. Children…they represent opportunity….and hope.." Grandma Camila held up what Comet now knew was Ian and rubbed a finger on the baby's face. "When this little guy was still in me, I sometimes had this stray thought, will he be like Luz? Do I want him to be like his sister? Do I do what I can to prevent that?" The woman wiped away a tear. "Luz ran off because she felt more at home in another dimension than with me…I don't want Ian to feel like that with me too."
"Steven thought the same thing … for a while, then he just kinda moved here." Grandpa Greg said. "If you just have hope, things will work out. No parent has a good method for raising a kid … we've just gotta try out best and hope it works out."
"Yeah, I guess we do." Camila looked to his currently little uncle, and smiled. "Hey…I know you might not understand what I'm saying…but you have an amazing family. They're funny…and silly…and sometimes they'll property drive you a little crazy." Comet knew that all too well. "But…I promise that they will always be there for you when you need them…sometimes even when you don't think you will." She kissed Ian's forehead. "And I swear that they'll always love you, and they will go to the ends of the universe for you."
"Ends of the universe, huh?" Comet whispered to himself. That was exactly what he just did for Ian, wasn't it? His crazy, fearless, talented, moronic, fun uncle that acted more like a little cousin half the time. He just swam through a whole paradox of mayhem to save him…Comet loved him…he loved his family, even when they annoyed him.
"Hey Comet." He turned, watching a younger version of his mother walk next to him. "Enjoying the view?"
"... How do you know who I am?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"... Shit, this is your first time, isn't it?"
"There's a second-forget about it." He sighed. "Yeah … it's nice, seeing how worried they are … how much effort they put into helping us."
"Yeah…I had the same epiphany around the same time when Mom protected Steven from the high commission…then again when Mom disappeared after fighting Meteora." His mom laughed. "I know it's spoilers and all…but do we end up okay?"
"You end up a fine mom…" He said with a smile. "You end up really fine … still a dork with Dad though…you, dad, Steven, Kelly….heck, you all end up great." Comet chuckled. "Rebecca, Ian, everyone else…they're nuts, but I'm guessing that's something you have experience with."
"You have no idea." His mom smiled. "So…anyone catching your eye in the future?"
"I'm not even born yet and everyone is still wondering who I'm dating." Comet rolled his eyes.
"Hey, it's better to learn it now than to spend five years with someone who doesn't love you back." She explained.``
"Oh come on, nobody would do something that stupid." There was silence. "This is the part where you agree with me….Right?"
"Oh, guess Kelly never told you about Tad."
"Who?" He asked.
"Exactly." A white light flashed behind them. "Well, guess future talk is over now. See you when you're born….barring more time travel shenanigans."
"Which means I'll probably see you again in two months. Bye Mom." He waved goodbye, feeling a bit lighter than when today started.
========================================================================
Tad took another swing of booze as he moved through the alley. Fuck those birds, he didn't need them … no matter how nice it was in his hair. He went into a trash can, slowly picking out some bits of old food.
It had been a rough couple of years for him. After his bitch of an ex dumped him for that tub of lard, he's had nowhere to go. He used to have such a sweet gig going with that Kevin guy, but he was an ass. Bastard kept swinging from one girl to the next, and then started coming up with stupid excuses for not lending him money, like 'child support' and 'alamoney', like those were real problems.
He tried going back to his folks, but they were still being stupid in thinking he needed a job to get by, and now he was forced to just wander the streets aimlessly. Damn Steven, things were so good before he came into their lives. Just him and Kelly against the world, fighting injustice and eating dinner together in bed.
What he wouldn't do to undo that one day when they met that lardo, tell Kelly to ignore the plump bastard and leave him to get beaten endlessly by a dozen woolets. Now it was just him, the streets, and that rat that stood next to him. The rat sniffed him and ran away.
He's tried tracking Kelly down dozens of times through all her social media, but nadda. It was like she was a ghost on the internet, which was a laugh, she cared too much about what people thought to ever give that up.
If he just had the chance to talk to her again, he would make everything right. He would work his magic and make her feel wanted, and he could go back to living in paradise in her head, never leaving and eating all the vegan pizza he could want.
Tad groaned as he got off his but after three whole days of sitting, and entered the nearest grocery store, hoping to whatever deity was listening they had a free sample table he could live off of for the next month.
"Why can't I get a single adventure!?" He turned to see some girl that looked like Kelly, but off on skin color and brown mixed in with the hair, complained. "Even Comet got to time travel of all things!!"
"That was to save your uncle from non-existence, little mint." What looked like a gem with a heart stone in her chest ruffled the kid's hair.
"Exactly, an epic adventure to save the universe and family. I'd totally have loved to be on that mission!"
"Maybe next time the universe is falling apart, we can dive headfirst into the nearest crack in space and time." The lanky looking gem giggled as she tickled the girl's face.
"Do that, and I'll poof you and ground Rebecca for a month." A new voice made itself know. It had age and maturity in its tone, but it was completely unmistakable for who it could've belonged to.
"Oh come on mom, I've been begging for this since I was five, I can handle a crack in space and time!"
"No means no sweetie." He moved out of the corner to see the old but lovely face. "I'd like to keep you low scale on multiverse threats."
"Kelly?" He asked.
The girl stared at him, confusion in her face that slowly turned into mild recognition. "Brandon?"
"Come on! That doesn't even rhyme! At least Vlad was closer to it!"
"Vladislav?" Kelly legitimately asked.
"It's Tad!" He shouted.
"Hey mom, who's the hairball?" The girl asked.
"I'm struggling to remember.." Kelly scratched her head."Did we used to play cornball together? Or are you just that moldy soap sponge that got lost in my hair one time. I always assumed it grew sentience."
"Seriously babe!? I'm your boyfriend!" Tad screamed. "We lived together for two years!"
"…. Not ringing a bell." She shook her head.
"We were on and off before you met Quartz!"
"Quartz?" The gem scratched her head. "You were friends with gems before Steven?"
"No, Quartz is what Steven went by before fusing with Jana." Kelly recalled. "I vaguely recalled hanging out with a large dust bunny that never washed out of my hair before I went to the Neverzone. Was that you?"
"I can't tell if this is a legitimate medical concern or on purpose." The young girl noted, looking back and forth between the two.
"Eh, probably nothing to worry about." The lanky looking gem covered her face. "This dirt-wad smells like he's been sitting on a manure mountain for five years.
"The only access to water I have is the rain!" He shouted, before sighing. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened before. Things have been tough and I've learned my lesson about acceptance." He bowed. "Please take me back with-"
"Dude, I'm married." She raised her hand, revealing a ring. "Just give it up, it's not worth the effort to make a move on me or me to hit you." They began walking away, not bothering to look back.
"Wait, you, you can't just leave!" He shouted. "You need me! You need me to validate your life, to comfort you, to…" He was tripped over by that pink gem.
"Wow, was I that desperate and clingy when I tried to kill Steven?" Said gem asked.
"Meh, you weren't that toxic about it" Kelly noted as she gave the pink gal a small hug, before turning to him. "Look Brenda.."
"THAT'S CLEARLY NOT MY NAME!"
"Whatever, just crawl away, alright? I'm not interested, and I don't care about you. I have friends, a husband, and most importantly, a daughter." She hugged the girl. "Actually … Rebecca, wanna take down your first bad guy?"
"I don't know …" Rebecca muttered. "I wanted the first enemy of my parents I'd face to be something like Toffee, or the Magic High Commission … hitting this guy just seems like setting myself up for low expectations."
"That's just how it starts." Kelly patted the girl on the head. "Ludo was the most pathetic bad guy we had, and the stakes grew gradually over time because we kept fighting him." She went inside her hair and pulled out some boxing gloves. "Think of this as your first step forward into something better."
"Perfect!" The girl pulled out a flaming club that cracked the ground on impact. "Do me a favor and hold still then!!"
"Oh, are we playing baseball!?" The pink gem asked as she picked him up.
"Something like that, just make sure he's in the ready position, Spinel!" The girl twired around as Tad was unable to move. "I'm gonna aim for a home run!" He freaking hated this family.
========================================================================
Meteora whistled innocently as the biggest bummer in the universe glared at them. "… So … Do you know why you're here?"
"Because we took too many Lion Lickers from that vendor?" Ian asked with a raised eyebrow.
"And…."
"Because we found an irradiated gem of ultimate power and harnessed its power for ourselves." Mariposa took a bite of her ice cream as her fingers glowed green..
"And …"
"And tried to have some fun that went against your little 'laws' or something." Meteora complained.
"… You know, I can report this to all your parents, right?"
"Oh come one, you can't do that! This is the first week of our supernatural private eye business!" Mariposa slammed her hands on the desk. "Just because we've hit a few little snags in the road doesn't mean we should get the book thrown at us!"
Yep, all three of them decided the best way to find adventure was to make it their job, so they set up the 'all seeing eye' agency, where they investigated everything from ghost possession to alien conspiracies. In this ever changing multiverse they lived in, business was always booming.
"I know you're starting new. And I understand that it's going to be messy dealing with what we deal with." Marco said honestly. "But fifteen burning buildings in a week?"
"Actually it was fourteen. The seventh was more of an exploding building than a burning one." Ian pointed out.
"He's not helping your case." The old fart grunted.
"What, thought you high and mighty officers of the law were thorough." Meteora grumbled. "Look Diaz, half of those were caused by a severe case of a spontaneous combination virus that's been spreading throughout nexus city, and we were just about to nab the perp until you barged in."
"Yes, and now we have his face on footage, meaning you can leave it to us and not get infected." The man said as he stood up. "Because if you think telling your parents is a threat, having you die on my watch is a worse threat to me, understood?"
"We're not babies anymore, Marco. We can handle ourselves." Mariposa grunted.
"I know you're capable, sis, but I'm not going to have you in needless danger if I can take care of it." Marco sighed as he turned around. "Now go home before I change my mind about calling."
The three of them groaned as they made their way out of the police station. "Damn it, we were literally INCHES away from grabbing the perp! Who knows what's going to happen since we didn't nab him!" Meteora grumbled. "He could be a shapeshifter, he could be a time traveler, he could be an alien from another dimension we haven't visited yet!" She turned to Mariposa. "Your brother is the WORST!"
"I know, I know, but his heart's in the right place most of the time." Mariposa sighed. "Not much we can do now anyways. We gave the police all we knew and we don't have any leads."
"I got a lead." Ian shrugged.
"… Then why didn't you say anything before?" Mariposa asked with a raised eyebrow.
He pulled out a cloth with the arm he had pocketed the whole time. "Because I didn't wanna be stuck in the ER." He responded … which his viruscovered hand.
"IAN!" Metoera screamed as she shook him. "YOU IDIOT! I told you shouldn't have pushed me out of the way!"
"You call me an idiot, but you're drawing attention in a police station." He pointed out the silence.
"Good point." She grumbled and whispered as she dragged the cute moron by the ear. "So tell me idiot, what's so great about the fact you're about to explode?"
"The fact that as long as I have this, I can trace it back to the source with the right glyph combo." Ian laughed as he pulled out a notepad. "Mari, hold this, I need to draw."
"Um … yeah, sure." She grabbed it. "So … how long do you have?"
"I'd say half an hour to grab whatever antidote the perp has before I turn to flames." Ian said nonchalantly, drawing intricate circles with complex symbols in them.
"You know, you can afford to be afraid every once in a while." Meteora stated.
"I am, I just keep the fear on the inside." Ian laughed. "I gotta keep smiling and stand my ground, or else all of life's misfortunes will get to me, and depression just sounds boring."
"… You are the most disturbingly mundane person I know." Mariposa deadpanned as the pad began glowing. "Alright, let's run."
"Right, gotta go and-hey." Meteora stopped him by the arm with her tail. "What are you do-" She smacked him in the face.
"That's for being reckless." Meteora pouted, before gently kissing him on the face before he could respond. "And that's for saving me. Now let's go!" She grabbed him by the unaffected arms as Ian seemed lost in incoherent babble.
"Hey, I thought we were waiting until he was eighteen?" Mariposa asked with a raised eyebrow.
"We have thirty minutes, better to make it count."
"…. Alright, I'm just gonna spend the rest of this trip questioning my life." Wow, the first time Ian showed an emotion other than calm. She felt honored to have caused it.
========================================================================
"And that is why nobody messes with you kids." Steven dusted off his hands as he walked past the gobsmacked children and teens. "Anyone need anything else today, or can I rest on the hill?"
"Uh…..no…Uncle Steven…that'll be all." Comet starred at him with wide eyes of shock while Rocka stared at him with reverence and respect.
"You are very strong, Mr. Universe-Butterfly. I am honored to learn from your example." The second gem hybrid to exist bowed her head a little.
"That wasn't strength." He patted the girl's head. "Being strong is being able to talk about peace and understanding between any species, and make them friends. That is the true measure of one's strength."
"Said the man who punched a sapient planet in half with his bare hands." Rebecca muttered as she looked at some of the, admittedly, large debris. "Seriously Dad, you can KO just about anything that comes your way!"
"No, I think that's KO you're thinking about. I just try to handle things as quickly as possible without…" Large chunks of rubble fell from the sky. "...too much damage."
"Don't worry about it bro, I can clean this one up." Luz laughed as she waved her palisman to lift the debris. "You go ahead and rest up."
With a sigh, he began walking up to the hill, sitting next to Star. "So … cleanup is gonna be a bitch."
"Yep." He leaned back. "But it's worth it … everything we've ever done is worth it in some way and form." Steven smiled.
"About a decade ago I might've doubted that." Star admitted honestly. "Sure we told off the Koala and united so many worlds, but we still had to fight."
"I know, but ideals and dreams aren't made because they're achievable, they're made because they give us something to always work towards." Steven let out a long breath. "Then there's Black Hat … I really really hope Glossaryck is able to do something about it."
Star snorted. "Wow, maybe the universe is doomed, you're hoping for Glossaryck."
"Hey, you hopped in me even when it was impossible, about time I took a gamble." He snorted
"I know, I know … such a weird world." Star looked down, seeing all their kids playing with each other. "I'm glad you gave Rocka a chance. She fits in so naturally with them."
"It was hard.." Steven sighed. "It was hard…to not see Mina or Jasper whenever I looked at her. Suddenly for the first time, I knew what it was like for every enemy who could only see Rose Quartz."
"Honestly I'm more concerned about Daron. That dudes being tutored by Onion, never a good sign." Star chuckled. "But then again, Jana was crazy too."
"Was? She still is." Steven laughed. "Never thought Tom would ever be the mellow one in a relationship."
"I never thought Tom would be mellow, period." The two of them shared a long laugh. "To think, we were that close to making it work for us."
"Heh, remember all those universes we used to watch? I'm apparently the only one who got together with Kelly, and you know the hurdles we jumped to get this far."
"So many hurdles." Star laughed, before pausing. "Oh my god, we saw Spinel in one of those universes….heck, we saw her in TWO of them!"
"… We could have learned the whole thing, couldn't we?" He muttered. "Opportunity wasted."
"Along with like … probably most of our problems if we paid more attention." She muttered. "Oh well, can't change the past….I mean, we could try, but we'd have to fight tooth and nail against Bunnix and Time Baby." Star snickered.
"Yeah … where did he come from anyway?" Steven asked. "According to Dipper he only shows up in the year twenty Sneventy e."twelve."
"Who knows, probably some jibbly-wibbly timey wimey reason for why he exists, and I got enough of a headache already." Star waved off. "To think I once thought Mewni could be everything I wanted…magic…power…warnicorns…an endless supply of corn…" Star looked up at the faded sight of Earth's second moon. "It all feels so small in retrospect. I wanted to be queen, but now I'm happier as a teacher."
"And I wanted to be a knight, now I'm a space diplomat/rock star." Steven smiled. "Weird how you lost your royal title while I gained one in two separate family conspiracies. Even if we didn't grow up together, we still would've had a lot in common."
"Well I would have had the one family conspiracy, but yep, like we were meant to be friends." Star smiled fondly. "I don't like saying words like destiny…but I truly believe we were meant to be together as family…I just can't imagine a world where that's not the case, infinite universe be damned."
"Yeah …" He smiled. "No matter the universe … we're always family."
KABOOOM
"Meteora! You stepped on my exploding pie! I just got that recipe down!"
"We'll maybe don't put it on the ground sharing the same color as said pie!"
"Five more minutes." Steven groaned with a smile. "At this point I'm bargaining down for just that."
"Meh, I'll take three. I haven't had a good cuddle session in ages." Star laughed as she stood. "For achieving near universal peace,I think we did a good job raising a family."
"Helps we haven't kept anything secret from them." Steven noted. "I mean Rebecca is craving family conspiracy, but we kinda already solved that so …"
"Yeah, we have the best family." Star smiled.
"Don't make me open a portal to hell!"
"The absolute best." Steven agreed whole heartedly as he closed his eyes. "Love you sis."
"Right back at you bro." Star held his hand. Steven had the best family in the multiverse, and he wouldn't trade it for anything in this life, or the next.