I don't know what's happening. I'm feeling confused and scared. A sense of emptiness washed over me as I drifted closer to the large being. She was the Lord Goddess; that much I knew, but I didn't understand what she wanted. It was as if she believed I knew what was going to happen and that I had a choice. However, the way she looked at me made me feel like my fate was already sealed.
Should I even care what happens next? Really, there was nothing left for me.
It was safer for my friends, for everyone, if I were gone. I didn't want to hurt anyone; it was true that I was a danger to them.
It was selfish of me, but I missed Janus. All I wanted was for her to stand close to me, my hand resting on hers. I longed to feel her warmth surrounding my body, just as I would embrace her tightly and let the softness of her wings envelop me like a comforting blanket. That was the only thing that could calm the fluttering bats in my heart that surged with every second I spent staring at the Lord Goddess.
It didn't hurt; I couldn't see myself in the darkness, but I could tell that I was not in my body. Well, I was, but not my actual body. Something with fewer wounds, no injuries, and no pain.
So why did the ache in my heart hurt so much if that was true?
"So..?" The goddess pulled me back, a clawed finger tipping her chin up.
"I don't understand." The small voice sounded so unlike my own.
The goddess let out a soft hum, tilting her head back as she placed both hands on the ground to steady herself. "Must I really explain everything to you?" I didn't answer; instead, I looked down shyly. "Alright. I know you're not feeling your best right now, Vienna. You're confused and want nothing more than to escape, correct?"
Was this a trick?
"It's not a trick." A giggle.
I let out a sigh, "You.. you can read my mind?"
"I can do a lot of things, but mind reading is one of them, yes." Her smile grew more, and it sent invisible shivers down my spine. "Tell me, Vienna. What do you want right now?"
Couldn't she just read my mind and find out? I gave a soft scoff, knowing she wanted me to say it, which made me feel like this was a game.
"I.. I want to be away." My throat felt stiff, stuck. "I don't want to be here anymore."
"Where do you want to be?"
"I.." I hesitated, now knowing how to answer for a second. "Janus.. I want to be with her." I turned to look up at her, clutching my knees closer into my chest. "But she's gone.. I.. I did it.. I-"
"I wouldn't say gone." The goddess giggled, flexing her wings.
I looked up to her, feeling myself stir. "What? Where-"
"A goddess can't die like you angels think they can. Janus isn't gone; she is somewhere no one can go. But not gone."
"Can I- '' I felt myself move up, tempting to beg on my knees before the goddess put a hand up.
Her bangs covered her eyes; I could see nothing but the long smirk lining her lips. "You want your goddess? Then I kinda need something in return, fallen angel."
I gulped, already expecting something like this to happen. From what I heard about the Lord Goddess, she was selfish and loved chaos. But what did she want from me?
"Oh, it's quite simple what I want from you, little one." She spoke in a hoarse voice, her claw trailing beneath my chin and across my neck. "You possess something that I have never seen in another angel, demon, or even a goddess." I felt a surge of anxiety, goosebumps prickling my skin as the goddess leaned in closer. Her teeth were as sharp as ever, and her voice was dark. "You have passion."
What?
"What..?" I felt myself choke up, getting very confused. How can no goddess or even an angel have passion? It was so easy to have.. this doesn't make any sense.
"Can you not see Vienna?" The goddess moved her hand away, trying to reveal our surroundings, but there was nothing here. "I know you couldn't see yourself, but I could, and so could everyone else. I had never witnessed anything like it before—your endurance, anger, and grief all combined into passion. The passion that you used to slaughter over 10,000 demons and Hell Beings in a matter of seconds!" She let out a gruff laugh, sounding overjoyed. I felt sick at that knowledge.
"There had been fallen angels before, yet none of them had managed to not only break free from a lord's influence but also kill over 1,000 demons while in tremendous pain!"
He let his head fall, shaking it back and forth as I continued to stare, dumbfounded, dread washing over me. I didn't know how to cope with it, but pride was not an option. I felt sick and disgusted by myself, knowing that if I ever saw Janus again, I would not be forgiven or even granted a chance to see any goddess at all.
She is so far ahead, while I was still stuck behind.
"So what do you want?" I gritted out, ignoring the tears that were building up inside my eyes.
"So I want it." She knelt down before me, leaning in closer. "I want that passion to burn, I want to feed it to demons and angels alike so there is no more misery to pity."
My voice dried up, and my limbs trembled with confused thoughts circling my brain. Some of them made sense, while most were just confusing.
The Lord Goddess could see that I was spiraling, so she shifted to lean back more casually this time. "It might come as a shock to you, Vienna, but I do care. However, unlike your goddesses, my concern extends to both demons and angels." I couldn't believe it. The goddess smirked, easily reading my thoughts. "I express my care differently than others. I may not coddle you or nurture your faith like the goddesses do, but I also don't deceive or manipulate your mind like the lords do."
"Then what do you do?"
She looked up at me, raising an eyebrow as if it were obvious. "Passion, little one. I give things to demons and angels—something both of you must possess, and that is a soul. A soul needs passion to breathe, think, and feel, which is why I want yours." She let out a cough-like noise that stirred unease within me. "Yours is a blend of both a demon's and an angel's essence, which makes it perfect for both."
"What will it do?" I gritted out.
"It will accomplish so much." She tilted her head to the side, pressing her lips together. "Not everything is good, and we know that life isn't perfect. You're never going to have a great life with everything being just right, nor will it be entirely bad." She could tell I was growing impatient, so her smile returned, and she sighed. "Truth be told, angel, I do not lie. I will harness your passion for equal rights, for both your angels and the demons. This will strengthen their spirits, giving them a better chance to make the most of whatever Hell or Heaven they may be experiencing."
"..." I didn't know what to say, what could I say to begin with? Was it so bad that I wanted to do it? Did I really need my passion?
I didn't, and if I could give my friends something more to live with, give them anything to begin with, I would. I don't care for the demons. But my friends, and the angels who believed in me. They deserve to have something. Anything.
"Can I get something in return?"
"What do you want?" She lulled, voice coming closer, but I could not see anything through the blurs in my eyes.
I looked up, even if I couldn't see her. "I want peace."
She tilted her head to the side, viewing me like I was in an exhibit. A smile bigger than the rest slowly built up, "Do you honestly think you deserve it?"
"No," I quickly answered, clutching onto my skin where I had dug my nails in. "I do not deserve it, but I want it. If I were to give you my passion, I want something to put me to rest peacefully. Then I want a peaceful end."
She was quiet now. I could feel her watchful eyes peering through her bangs, fixated on me, and I forced myself not to shiver. Finally, she sighed and shook her head. "Peace... peace... hmmm..." She took a long moment to think, rubbing her chin for several agonizing seconds. I felt impatient, irritated, and completely over everything at that moment. If she wanted something so valuable from me, then I wanted something in return that would bring me peace.
"Alright," she said. "I should mention that most of what I'm about to say is not something I would personally do." She shrugged to herself, and I gave her a confused look, which she noticed. "I may not care for certain things, but I respect Janus. I respect her enough to want her to have the peace she truly deserves."
"What-?" I tried to say, body fidgeting in an attempt to move, to uncrumple my form.
"Janus wants peace for you, needy thing," the goddess shrugged her shoulders like it was apparent. "And she made it pretty obvious what will grant her that."
Am I understanding this correctly? Is this all some messed-up mind game? Is what I am hearing real or genuine?
I knew Janus loved me; those horrible lies were strong enough to push that out of my mind. But in the back of it, I knew, I knew that she wanted me as I did for her. So if she wanted peace, the only way she could get it was from me?
"You're not as foolish as I thought," the goddess chuckled. A sudden cold aura settled on the back of my neck, causing me to flinch. I tried to escape, but I couldn't, so I trembled in my crumbled form as the goddess continued, "Is that all you want, Vienna? I can offer you your passion, and you can have your peace. Not only will you receive what you desire, but you will also be giving Janus something she has longed for—something she never thought she could have again."
I felt confused, but I didn't care. Deep down, I understood what I was doing. Janus was worth everything to me; my passion meant nothing as long as I could be with her again. The angels would benefit from my choice, even though I knew it would hurt my friends, who had made it clear that they were sorry, that they loved me, and always would. This gave me some peace, a brief respite for my heart, even if it wasn't wanted. I felt like I was missing something.
"It's what I want," I announced with complete confidence, no longer trembling in the face of the goddess.
She had the power, the ability to do as much and make me fear for my life or whatever I have. But now, I've given her something, and she will give me something back.
"Alright," was the final answer. A sweet feeling surfaced in my heart, and I held back a scream. "Now take back.."
It was ripped away from me, along with everything I had ever known. It burned and spread along my skin, which I didn't even think I had anymore. I felt like I was nothing—just empty, soulless eyes drifting in the dark abyss that had consumed everything familiar to me. It hurt, a lot; it felt as if a part of me had been torn apart, leaving me utterly alone.
I had felt alone before, for so long that it had caused my heart to ache, burying me so deep that I couldn't feel anything anymore. But this... this was a different kind of loneliness. It hurt, yes, but there was something else lurking beneath the surface, and I didn't know what it was. That terrified me even more—not knowing what was there or how far away it might be. I wanted to understand, yet perhaps I didn't. It might hurt even more if I knew.
My own eyes, which I could barely try to form, started back at the purple glaring at me. Glaring? It was vibrant, the color and the stare that blurred into me.
A distant sound, voice, curling along my insides and squeezing tight until it popped. Both of the words and I, popping and splattering all that was left of me around the darkness.
Have your peace. It will be all you know.
The last thing I know, the last thing I would hear or even see.
I had given up, no point in fighting, no point in trying. This was what I wanted, right? The dark abyss was anything but welcoming; it was cold and annoying, feeding into whatever I had left.
I was nothing. This was peace, being nothing in a world of nothing.
Isn't it.. what I deserve?
I believed it was, I knew that it was all that I deserved, even if this empty pit inside my heart grew to envelope my entire body. I was okay with it. I had to be
No.. no it's not.
What? I looked around, suddenly feeling a pull that enveloped my body and tugged hard. I grappled for a moment, holding my arms over my eyes to block out the light that was approaching quickly. Soon, it surrounded my entire body, leaving me drifting. The sensation was slow and almost profound, until it became nothingness.
At least, I thought it was nothing. It was no longer dark, and I hesitantly moved my arms to see what had happened.
There was no dark abyss; instead, light all around me. It was so bright, it could be annoying if it hadn't given me this numb sensation surrounding my figure. It felt similar. How could such a surreal thing feel so familiar? So welcoming?
I turned around once again, almost falling on my knees when I spotted someone.
I wasn't alone; someone was sitting there a few feet in front of me while I stood trembling. I didn't know what to do or say, or if I could say anything at all.
But something about them.. about her. I knew her.
I took a step, and then another, each footfall echoing in my head until I stood above the woman. Her long, curly brown hair was soft and hung over her shoulders as she turned to gaze at me. My breath caught in my throat, my heart skipped a beat, and I fell to my knees in front of her.
That soft smile, the comforting warmth wafting from her, the strong, silky scent..
"Janus.." I let out a pitiful sob, crying hard in front of her.
She had dark chocolate-brown eyes, with half of her hair covering one of them, revealing the faintest scar peeking through. I shook and cried harder, longing to reach over to her, wanting to apologize and scream all my emotions out until I felt nothing.
That pit could grow; it could make itself known that I was alone. But I wasn't alone; Janus was here.
Did I deserve this?
"My darling.." A hand, soft and slow, cupped the bottom of my chin before sliding my hair out of my face. I dropped into the touch, no longer caring about what was right or wrong as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders for a tight embrace.
I cried even harder, finally able to apologize for doing all the things I had done. The words came out quick and rushed, pitiful and almost soundless in the empty limbo in which both of us sat. Janus said nothing, only having her hands around my back and squeezing me so effortlessly easily.
"I'm so sorry! Janus, I—"
"Shh.." Was the soft hush coming close to my ear. I lay inside her lap, bodies so close, so bare. "You're alright. We're together, everything is alright."
It's all right. Everything is alright because she is here, and I am with her.
"I love you." I blurted, moving my head back to look up into her brown eyes. They showed so much adoration, love, everything crashing into me just as the softness of her lips came with it.
Soft, so soft…
Warm hands around my own, body no longer empty.
"My dear," a whisper came from the depths of her lips across my own. "I'm here."
I know…
"I'm here."
I know.