I was getting closer to something, something bigger than I was. I didn't know what it was, what it could be, but the pull was strong. Nothing deterred me at all, not even the smell of blood, the yelling, or singing voices down below. I kept my head up as I flew through the dusty clouds to the place I was being led to.
Nothing could steer me away from it, not even my own body withering as I moved. The apparent amount of strength and stretch I was putting into my body was becoming too much; the movement was slowing me down until I was forced to rest.
I didn't like resting here..
In Wonderland, it was comforting to sleep there because I knew I was safe. Here, however, I had to worry about many things. Not only were there dangerous creatures, but I could also hear horned demons walking around when I tried to rest on a hill or among the crumbled buildings. The constant threat of others wanting to hurt me was unsettling, but my own mind was the worst enemy of all.
The dreams.. the images overplayed inside my head until I woke up screaming in rage or agony.
The same images of Dawson, or Janus, all of my friends back in Wonderland, who watched me fall. All of it blurred together; I could no longer tell the difference between what was real and who was who.
Everyone looked the same to me.
The anger burned deeper each time I screamed, each time I thrashed and buckled under the weight of my own dreams. My thoughts and memories acted like anchors, preventing me from rising; I continued to fall repeatedly. It was frustrating, and that voice was always there, whispering the same thing over and over until my ears felt like they were bleeding.
I knew I was stupid.
I knew no one ever loved me.
I knew what I had to do.
As I stepped onto a large hill, I felt the tug weaken and break, prompting me to stop. This hill led up to a vast, open cave. Looking inside, I noticed that it began wide but gradually narrowed as I ventured further in. For the first time on this journey, I hesitated.
I hesitated because the pull had stopped for a second. I hesitated because I didn't know what could be in there—what could be waiting for me.
The darkness isn't what needs to be feared.
"Is it you I should fear?" I let out a whisper, feeling a hushed laugh on the back of my neck.
Go and find out.
Asshole. Whatever that voice was, I didn't like it. But that tug suddenly thrashed around in my heart; it pulled me along until I was basically speed walking in the cave. It grew so tiny, I was lucky to be small myself, so I could easily slip under a few stones and squeeze my way past hanging rocks.
Though I did feel my wings tear a bit, some feathers littered behind me, and I could feel a bit of blood from the ripping.
But the pain was numb to me. Nothing but that darkness that swallowed my heart kept me going.
I didn't stop.
Closer.
I gritted my teeth, seeing nothing but darkness in front of me.
Closer.
I wanted to scream at it, expressing my frustration that it wasn't helping at all. However, I never expected the voice to do anything more than offer encouragement with cheerful, spirited words. I already felt the urge to keep going, my bare feet hitting the ground as I ran, with no wind, no heat, and even the cold breeze that a cave should have.
It felt empty. I sensed the stone pressing against my sides begin to open up, and as the narrow space shifted, I almost lost my balance at the sudden relief of weight. I staggered a bit, trying to find any source of light or guide that I could see.
But I could only feel the guide; I could only feel where I needed to go.
Something changed—the hard stone beneath my feet suddenly gave way, sending me tumbling down. I tried to open my wings to catch myself, but the drop was too abrupt. The ground rushed up to meet me, and I landed hard on my back. I could just hear my wings crumpling under the impact, and I felt the sting of dried blood across my bare back.
It was weird how much I almost missed the pain; at least it was there to tell me I was alive.
I shakily stood to my feet, feeling my body hack until I was standing again. It was still dark, and rocks and crumbled stones littered the ground around me from the fallen ledge that had dropped me. But that wasn't what I noticed right away; my eyes found the light that held its place right in the wall.
There was a... Throne? A seat at least, but it was built into the wall, covered in rocks and stones alike, until you could barely see anything that resembled the throne. Though that wasn't what caught my eye.
A weapon lay on top of the throne's seat. Half of it was inside the rock, and a bit of the blade almost sank into the rock until it became one.
I cautiously stepped closer, feeling the rocks elevate me higher. I stood above the weapon, taking a moment to admire its craftsmanship. It was definitely different from the Branchie; it was slightly smaller than a standard sword. The hilt was wrapped in worn bandages that appeared stained with blood. The guard curved gently towards the blade, which was not quite as sharp as a traditional sword. It had a slight curl, resembling some sort of sinister design. The blade itself was dangerously sharp, marked with symbols that looked like an ancient language.
I couldn't read it; I could barely even register what it was exactly. All I wanted to do was grab it, hold it, and feel its power; I knew it would give me.
So I grabbed the handle, feeling it fit perfectly in my palm. I tugged at it, feeling no strain when I tried to pull it from the stone encasing it. I let out a gruff, pulling even harder and straining my arms that obviously had lost their strength to do it. I bit into my lip, closing my eyes as I pulled harder.
I flapped my wings, catching the wind, until the sword finally came free. I yanked it from the stone, causing shards of rock to fall and hit my bare legs. I huffed, disregarding the strain in my arm, and positioned the weapon in both of my hands.
I was amazed at how well it fit and how weightless it felt. It reminded me of my Branchie, but it was even better.
This felt right. But what was it?
A Kult.
I admired it, swinging it to the different sides to see how it was symmetrical on both sides. Along with the hilt, the shortened blade was the only thing that made it look.. different.
It was still a weapon; it could still kill someone. That's all I needed, right?
The Kult suddenly felt stiff, and the ache in my heart eased just enough for me to take a few grateful breaths. It was as if it enjoyed suffocating me, as if whatever was pressed against me in the dark cave thrived on my silent suffering. Even if it didn't hurt, it felt worse that I couldn't even experience it.
The pain—one I had become accustomed to—even in Wonderland. Why now? Why must it elude me, as if I were a sickness it could catch?
My hand pulsed, tightly clutching the Kult close to my body. The blade radiated heat, and the curved end looked as though it were ready to cut someone's head clean off. The tip of the blade twinkled against my eyesight, almost looking at me like it was my own. Like I had been missing something this whole time, the Kult had been separated from me.
This is worthy of you.
I shivered, feeling the delighted tone against my ear.
This is all you need to have your revenge. A sinister snicker, to make her pay. Make all of them pay.
It felt right.
It is right.
Of course it is, if it wasn't, it wouldn't feel so good in my grip. I turned, expecting to see the same darkness that followed me out with each step. The steps grew louder, like I was carrying the whole weight over my shoulders. It echoed in my ears, sending delight through my mind.
The cave opened wider, and I quickly caught sight of its end. Instead of the faint glow of dusty clouds, I was met with flashes of light. The air was filled with music, deafeningly loud. My ears twitched slightly, protesting against the thunderous sounds echoing through my mind. Despite that, my feet kept moving as I entered the passageway, which soon opened up and welcomed me into a very strange place.
This was... A "dance" room?
I didn't know if that was what this was, but the creatures I encountered on my journey were dancing around. The Hellbeings, some demons, and even new ones with round horns and tails joined in. They all moved to the pounding music that screamed in my ears, while the flashing lights in various colors gave me a headache.
I honestly expected myself to stop, to look around, and find a place to leave. I might have taken a wrong turn when exiting. Well, I did fall down, which led to a different room, not the exit like I was expecting.
I didn't stop; I continued on, the Kult held closely to my side and my wings cupped around my shoulders. I walked directly through the dancing demons, pushing most of them aside, which caused them to turn their shocked red eyes toward me. Strangely enough, I didn't care about their stares.
My heart wasn't thundering so loudly; my fear and emotions had no control over me. I was controlled by something else..
That's why walking through the demons and monsters wasn't terrifying, which is probably why the steps that followed me were.. excited? The demons—some of them held fear in their expressions, but most of them looked excited up, like they were going to raid something.
I didn't realize it, but some followed after me. Low to the ground as they crawled, stepping along themselves as a few words were passed around.
"Angel angel~"
"Scary monster! Scary scary-"
"The Kult! We will have our time!"
Laughs were countering against the music that continued to pound; my head shook, but I kept going. I finally looked up, catching a bit of light from a large window dome directly above my head.
The light captured my attention and filled my heart with determination. My wings spread open, and I felt the heat enveloping my body and lifting me up. I flapped harder, with the booming music fading into the background. The chatter and encouraging words faded alongside the music.
The light surfaced the quicker I came to the dome. I raised my hand about my head to protect myself before the glass shattered.
It cut into my arm, dripping blood down. My rapid flapping only grew louder, lifting me up towards the light.
Higher.
The voice chanted, almost pushing me up, closer to the light that was growing brighter, bigger than before. My hands trembled before clamping harder around the Kult's handle. I felt my hand rise at the ready for anything.
The pulse in my wings, the sting in my eyes that teared up when I got closer and closer to the light. I felt welcomed by it, as if it was opening its arms to welcome me in.
Higher!
I gritted my teeth, pushing myself higher and higher until the light was the only thing I could see. I let out a breath, feeling weightless. A bit of panic set in, and I felt like I was going nowhere, and all around me was the light.
Nothing else but the light. What was happening?
"Vienna."
Her voice. My name.
Janus gazed at me, a soft, faint smile playing on her lips. In that moment, nothing else mattered; the light around us faded away as long as she was there. Her eyes held a mix of deep love and lingering guilt that was palpable.
It's not real
…It wasn't real. No, she is right there!
She never loved you. The love was fake.
"My darling…" So soft, a hand coming out to rest against my face with the comforting warmth. Ready to consume me, taking me away from the pounding darkness, fighting away her light. "I am sorry."
Make her pay.
It practically screamed at me, making my eyes tear up even more. I felt disoriented, shaking and trembling, until everything suddenly came to a stop. I gasped for breath, holding the Kult out in front of me, which almost shielded my view of her.
Darkness engulfed me and her. It was all a lie, just another one of those stupid dreams meant to mess with my head and ruin my mind even further.
It wasn't real-
She never loved you.
She never loved me.
No one loved you.
No one loved me.
It was all fake.
"It was all fake!" I let out a scream, thrusting the blinding Kult towards the light to ward it off before the dark could fully consume it. "You never loved me!"
I screamed it at her, screamed at the goddess who kept a peaceful gaze at me.
I felt a rush of warmth spill from my hand, and as I glanced down, a wave of realization washed over me.
The kult was buried inside Janus and ended up on the other side, skewering her. The heat emanated from the gold, a hot golden light pouring down my hand and enveloping the weapon. I quickly glanced at the goddess, shocked by what I had done.
At what I didn't even realize I was doing.
When she fell backwards, the light popped, shattering away the darkness and leaving us in an open space. Large and expansive, the only light was behind the goddess, where a gate was. Behind me was darkness, creeping up the cloud-like ground that shook beneath my feet when I dropped down to catch Janus.
She could do nothing, just like I couldn't do anything to stop this. My hands trembled, and the Kult fell to the side as I held the goddess's head up.
I wanted to say something—attempt to apologize or do anything to stop this. Parts of my mind were still shrouded in darkness, but seeing Janus pulled me back up for air, making me forget what it felt like to drown. I sobbed and tried to stop whatever was pooling out of her body from her chest.
Blood?
It was a hot gold, it was like lava.
It hurt—everything hurt so bad that I could barely even breathe through my tears. All I could do was beg and apologize, thinking that none of this was real. It had to be a lie, it had to be fake—this couldn't be happening!
Janus was a good, powerful goddess who couldn't just bleed away like this.
"Janus! Janus..!" I clutched her head close to my chest, hiccuping and sobbing as her breasts grew harsh and slow. My wings trembled on my back, forcing my body to wither like I was being stabbed myself.
"Please, please, please—please, I didn't...! I didn't want—no, not you, please!" I pushed my head into her hair, trying to absorb the warmth and comfort that I desperately needed.
It was deserved-
"My darling..." The voice pulled me back to her. I watched her teary golden eyes look at me with passion, admiration, and so much love for me. She placed a hand under my eye, wiping at the tears that suffocated me from the inside. "You are not dangerous."
What?
Why—why was she worrying about me? She was hurt—I had just stabbed her!
"It's okay." Her voice was stronger that time, the warmth from her thumb running under my eyelid made me cry even harder. Her comforting words, her soft, graceful smile.. "It's okay…"
Her words died down, just as her hand did with its comforting grip slipping away from me. I cried and sobbed, clutching even harder to her hand like she was the last thing I needed.
She was the only one I needed, the only thing that made sense.
She betrayed you—
"I'm sorry!" I held onto her tightly, the pierce in my heart ripping me open and devouring the hateful rage. All of it was a distant thought. "I'm so sorry, Janus! Please! Please don't!!"
She hummed softly, her eyes glowing brighter as the lower part of her body began to vanish before my eyes. Blurred and ethereal, the goddess pressed a gentle ghostly kiss on my cheek. "I have always loved you, my beautiful angel."
No one loved you-
A soft kiss to my lips. "And I always will."
Why did I think no one did when she was right here? When she would always be there, she would never have left me, so why?
Why did I listen to it?
No one-
I clutched onto the fleeting particles that were once the goddess.
The Gate Goddess…
"She always loved me!" I screamed into the pits of the darkness that seeped into the gate. The gate that crumbled under pressure, swallowed by darkness until it was nothing but a pit of void.
I couldn't even bear to look at it. All I could do was cry, forgetting the Kult by my side. My body felt hungover, and I just sobbed. I cried over and over again, apologizing so much that my throat became dry. Everything hurt so much.
But what hurt even more was my open heart, no longer constrained or shrouded in darkness. I was free from that, but I wasn't free from the pain.
The pain that told me I was alive.
Although... I didn't want to be alive anymore.