"HAH HAH HAH *hic* HAH HAH HAH HAH *snort* HAH HAH HAH *cough* HAH HAH!"
Really, after the shock wore off it was the only appropriate response to the fact that someone had fucked a cow and had managed to impregnate it. It went beyond ridiculous; it was ridiculous to the tenth power. At the very least! I can't even imagine the genetics of this thing. She was someone that was one-third cow, one-third giant, and one-third human. I mean, even with the involvement of magic, how on god's green earth is that a real thing that is actually happening? It's absurd, impossible, ludicrous and any number of other terms for something that should not be standing over me as I was rolling on the ground laughing my fool head off, giving me a reproachful look. It was having the exact opposite effect on my mood that I think she was going for.
Hymir was vigorously stroking his beard, and I was at least 75% sure that he was trying to suppress a smile, badly, and hiding it from his grandchild with his dustbin sized hands. The reaction I was getting from the rest of the gathered people was somewhat mixed, the Deer Women was shooting me confused looks but ultimately didn't seem to care, too busy trying to make sense of their new situation. The villagers that had shown up seemed mostly surprised, the men anyway, the women were starting to glare at me the longer I was rolling on the ground.
Takoda kicked me in the ribs. Very practical of him. I approve.
I snorted and winced. It wasn't a very hard kick, but it didn't have to be to hurt. Particularly since my ribs were already bruised from my fight with the Beast. "Ow! Careful!"
"I will be when you stop being rude." He retorted calmly. "Aud is a respected member of Utgard, and not just for being the granddaughter of the Jarl."
"I wasn't laughing at her, I was laughing at her dad!" I defended myself, even if it probably wasn't much of a defense. "She's kinda cool actually."
"I don't appreciate you making light of my father," Audumbla said irritably.
I sat up and gave her a level stare. "Honey, while I can understand, and even sympathize with your position, but your father managed to get a cow pregnant! There is no place on Earth where that is not funny."
Audumbla didn't seem convinced by my flawless logic and looked to be set to lay into me when she was interrupted by a choked noise from her grandsire, causing all of us to turn our attention to him. The old Ettin's shoulders were trembling and he had his hand firmly clamped over his mouth and it was obvious that he was fighting a losing battle against his own laughter. He froze the moment he realized that our attention was on him. He kind of gave all of us a considering look before he very deliberately stroked his beard and cleared his throat uncomfortably.
"Grandfather!" Aud shouted reproachfully. "How can you? He is your son!"
"And I love him, dear. You know that." Hymir responded placatingly. "But he is not the sharpest ax around, you have to admit," he said before sighing. "And there is no denying he has... unusual tastes."
Aud crossed her arms over her chest and managed to look petulant, despite her inhuman face. Her face was amazingly expressive, far more then I would have expected, considering her inhuman heritage. I had to admit, she was damn fascinating to look at, admittedly, part of that was because of her golden fur. It made her seem almost unreal, real uncanny valley stuff. And then there were her horns, never seen anything like it outside of a game. They were perfectly smooth, starting off gold near her head before slowly shifting towards a more metallic bluish-gray as you got nearer to the tips. She did have hair, gray, though it only grew on the back of her head and on its sides. It made me wonder how old she was. I would bet good money that she was in her hundreds at least.
"He's your son, my father." She said finally.
Hymir walked over and laid his giant hands on his grandaughter's shoulders. "Yes, my foolish, often reckless and constantly in trouble, son. As I'm reminded of every time M.A.C.U.S.A knocks on my door because my son has knocked over another building or been found naked somewhere he shouldn't be, again." The old Ettin said kindly. "He is who he is, and I don't believe he will change. No matter how much you would wish it so. Saying so don't mean we care for him any less."
Okay, this was getting way heavy, seem I'd inadvertently tripped into some painful family history. Eject! Eject! Evacuate the premises! I used my flight suit to get to my feet and with a little hop, I floated off into the air to a chorus of startled gasps from the gathered villagers. I made a beeline for Baugi, who was busy talking to another small group of Utgard residents. Hopefully, he was working on getting their new guests situated, and I figured that they might have use for a wizard of my considerable talent.
---
I have to say, there were definite benefits having chosen to come to a village populated mostly by twelve-foot tall giants. Everything is bigger, like twice bigger. And that meant space, lots and lots of space. Space I generously made bigger by the vigerous use of the space expansion charm. Some of the villagers had been a bit hesitant about opening their homes to the new arrivals, mostly those that didn't have much space to spare to begin with, but after hearing that I was more than willing to make some magical renovations to their homes, free of charge, most changed their tunes right fast. Noting like a bit of bribery to get people to show their better sides.
The arrangement was to be temporary, of course, there were already plans for new housing to be built. A good portion of the village populace was already in the process of cutting down lumber to make planks for the new houses, and the local blacksmith was hard at work producing nails and other such things that would be needed that I didn't have a name for.
My renovations had the added benefit of letting me get a good look at the village and its inhabitants, and talk to some of them along the way. It was a rather eye-opening experience. There was a herd of Centaurs living in the forest alongside the Sasquatches, not a big one, they were twenty strong. Their leader was one of Bor's other kids, apparently, he had a few, none of which were with other Ettins. As it turns out, Centaurs were big enough to carry a half-giant child to term.
His name was Chiron, and he was even bigger than Hymir, with his horse part looking to be from a Dutch Draft, a big, brown shaggy mess of a horse. His human side looked much like the Centaurs back at Hogwarts, only bigger, and hairier, and possessing an impressing array of scars. He generally carried a big ass bow and a polearm with him wherever he went. He had a large piece of hide wrapped around his waist that he claimed he had gotten from slaying a Wampus Cat, a claim of dubious truth according to Hymir, who assumed it was regular puma fur. I was leaning towards the later since Wampus Cats were supposed to be nearly impossible to kill.
Chiron was apparently a teller of tall tales and tended to exaggerate outrageously if he thought he could get away with it. I liked him though; he was fun to be around, particularly when he was drunk. The Centaurs around these parts weren't like the ones back home, they didn't practice Astrology for one, and they clearly weren't quite as hostile towards people other than themselves. They raised cattle up in the northern part of this place and traded it regularly for tools and weapons made by the village blacksmith, who was part dwarf, with his father having been a dwarf and his mother an Ettin. Brok was his name, and almost as old as Hymir.
Brok was fairly small for an Ettin, on account of his Dwarven ancestry, and stood only at a mere nine feet six inches, which was positively tiny when compared to the eleven feet tall regular issue. He was almost as wide as he was tall, with thick bulging arms that managed to be even larger than Hymir's, which was saying something. His hair and beard were white from age and looked like it had never seen a comb in its entire life. He was never seen without his sturdy blacksmith's apron or his giant hammer. A man of few words, he preferred to let his work speak for him, and he had set about creating the things they would need to build new housing for the Deer Women without any prompting, or anyone even telling him there would be new construction. No-nonsens and practical, I could respect that.
As said, Brok was the village blacksmith and co-founder of Utgard, along with Hymir and his wife, Helka. It was he who built the first houses that would be the homes for the first of the Ettins that Hymir and Helka had found in their journeys, him and his mother being amongst them, his father having passed from complications stemming from a bad case of dragon pox some years earlier.
I was surprised to find that Brok had knowledge of the Ember, though his skill in its use was far inferior to that of Lys. Apparently, his father's grandfather had been a mere apprentice when the Fall of the Dwarves had occurred and had not had time learned much of the use of the Ember beyond the very basic. But he had passed that small knowledge on to his descendants after he had arrived in the Americas, which had apparently been an accident, one that had saved his life from the goblins that had been hunting him at the time.
It was a fun story, involving intense chases through underground tunnels and the eventual detonation of an entire distillery, which had convinced the goblins that Brok's great grandfather had perished. He had survived though, by taking shelter in a steel drum filled with alcohol. He'd been fortunate to be picked up by a muggle ship heading for the new world, where he had met an Ettin girl and fallen in love. The rest was history.
He hadn't told me that himself, of course, that was laid at the feet of his youngest daughter Thyra, who was a consummate chatterbox and the source of most of what I knew of Utgard and its environs. Like her father, she was a blacksmith, though strangely enough, she was the only one of his children who were. In appearance, she had a lot of similarities with Lys, if Lys had been ten feet tall, and a redhead. Which she totally should be. When it came to personality though, the two were basically polar opposites. Where Lys was grumpy, Thyra was almost bubbly, where Lys was the eternal pessimist, Thyra saw the positive in things. But there was one thing they had in common. They loved the forge and the things they could create there. Thyra might be happy wherever, but there was a tangible satisfaction to her whenever I caught her in the forge, hamering away at her latest project.
It would be interesting to see what would happen if I introduced the two. They'd either get on like a house on fire or... just fire, lots and lots of fire.
I couldn't wait!
I made sure to tell them what I knew of the Ember, after extracting a promise from them not to talk about it to anyone, not that they needed any prompting for that. They knew well the danger that came with that particular piece of knowledge. The goblins might not have an official foothold in the New World, but there were still goblins here, and money talks. I had no doubt they had enough cash to make life miserable for the Utgardians. And there was certain to be an enterprising goblin around these parts that would see the obvious value in that information.
Fortunately, most of the magical population in the US was concentrated in New York and Washington. I remember seeing a map when I passed trough the M.A.C.U.S.A building that showed the various wizarding concentrations throughout the US. New York and Washington had the highest concentration with California coming in on second place, though they were more spread out over there. Nebraska came in third place followed closely by Illinois and then Alabama. There wasn't much to say about the rest. There were two small communities in Montana, one located in Glasgow and the other down in Virginia City. None of them were particularly big.
I was planning to head over to Glasgow at some point and raid it for useful stuff to help around here, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet, and I was planning on hopping over to California and take a look around, it would be interesting to see if they were as crazy over there as I'd heard. I'd have to visit Florida on the way back as well. I'd heard stories. I'd have to find a Wal-Mart as well.
So much to do, so little time. But for now, I had to stop navel-gazing and get back to work.