That day, Charlie finished the snacks, drank the juice, and tried on the swim trunks.
By the time he got home, it was already night.
Exhausted, he collapsed on the couch, letting out a sigh.
"No more mooching food and drinks. What goes around comes around."
His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling.
After a while, a shadow suddenly appeared under the dim lamplight.
"Who's there?!" Charlie jolted upright.
"A gorgeous, ripe woman who's earned her spot as a Thunder Agent through good behavior and redemption."
In an instant, a beam of light hit Lady Deadpool. Before she could strike a seductive pose, Charlie kicked her out the window with one swift move.
"You think this is paradise?"
After dusting off his hands, Charlie scoffed, "Cheapskate who wouldn't even spare a hundred bucks—go to hell!"
Grumbling, he stormed into the bedroom and began his daily practice of devouring magic.
The next day, the weather was still great.
But some people's luck wasn't.
"Hey, it's your good friend J. Jonah Jameson with new developments on the bold and brilliant Justin Hammer and other chairmen standing up to Spider-Man."
On the TV, Jonah maintained his signature grin as he recounted the morning's events.
"In just half an hour, 98 board members became prisoners under the Sakaar marks. They refused to follow Spider-Man's orders, and their legal teams are scrambling to free their bosses, even trying to lock up the invincible Spider-Man himself."
At this, Jonah couldn't hold back and burst into laughter.
That familiar meme-worthy laugh.
After chuckling, Jonah continued, "How naive. But there's even more naive news to share.
Armed forces in the desert are planning to use their new weapons for a precision strike on Spider-Man—or rather, to threaten the invincible Spider-Man. They can't control his life or death, but they can control regular people's.
They want to force Spider-Man to hand over the planet's rulership, the scepter from the aliens' hands.
But Spider-Man knew about this all along, which is why I, his biggest fan—no competition—can report it first.
Like Hammer Industries, their fate is sealed: prison with a life sentence of no wife. Yes, men's prison. Their wives will become someone else's lovers, their kids will get smacked by other men, and their houses and cars will have new owners.
Oh, sorry, I'm rambling. My bad."
Jonah adjusted his tone and went on, "Friendly reminder: the invincible Spider-Man has total control of this planet. No one can ignore his commands.
Sure, it's dictatorship, and it looks pretty damn evil.
But folks, you get it—Spider-Man's doing the right thing.
Starting today, anyone who defies Spider-Man's orders will be punished. Bloodsuckers like Justin Hammer can no longer exploit us unchecked. Let's celebrate this monumental moment in human history!"
With that, Jonah grabbed a confetti cannon from under his desk.
Bang!
Confetti flew as Jonah stood, cheering, revealing the tiny shorts under his suit.
In the prison, Hammer and the others, now behind bars, stared at the TV in shock before frantically shouting at the door.
"No!!"
"This can't be happening! I'm waiting for my lawyer!"
"This is illegal detention!!"
"You bastards, let us out!"
The group yelled and screamed, but everyone ignored them.
S.H.I.E.L.D., office.
"You sure about this?"
Carter looked at Charlie, who seemed utterly unbothered, and sighed helplessly.
"Public opinion and the higher-ups aren't happy with our methods."
Charlie glanced at her. "Higher-ups?"
Carter went quiet for a moment.
"Alright, fine, you're the biggest boss now."
"Exactly."
Charlie grinned. "Relax, I've got this. I do the heavy lifting, and everyone gets to eat. Starting today, Commander Carter, you're getting another promotion."
Carter's lips twitched. "What a casual decision. But I like it."
She stood and closed the curtains, startling Charlie.
"What are you doing?" he asked, instantly wary.
Carter paused. "The sunlight's a bit harsh."
She turned back, rolling her eyes. "With you acting like that, I'm starting to think you've got some psychological trauma. Good thing I recently got my psychology license. I'll check you out sometime."
"No need. I'm fine. I'm not sick," Charlie said, still on guard.
Carter sighed, rubbing her forehead.
"Alright, good news: Ophelia's agreed to cooperate. If that boy shows up, she'll act immediately to keep things from spiraling."
"She agreed?"
Charlie's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What kind of deal did you make?"
Carter shrugged. "Obviously, a deal."
"What'd you promise her?"
"Confidential."
"I've got a bad feeling about this."
"That's your problem, not mine."
With that, Carter tapped her virtual computer, receiving good news from her agents.
"Congrats, Spider-Man. Your blunt, brute-force approach worked. Forces worldwide are falling in line with your arrangements. But I've got to warn you: once they figure out how to remove the Sakaar marks, you're in for a hell of a backlash," Carter said, her face serious.
Charlie spread his hands. "Not me. Us."
Carter: "…"
"So, wanna—"
"Nope."
Charlie shook his head, understanding her implication.
"The invincible Spider-Man's journey should be to the stars, not stuck dealing with Earth's petty nonsense. That'd wear Spider-Man down."
Hearing this, Carter sat back down.
"Alright, star-chasing Spider-Man, our diplomatic affairs with Asgard aren't settled yet. When are you picking up Thor and heading to Asgard?"
"You telling me what to do?" Charlie shot her a side-eye.
Carter clenched her fist.
"Charlie Parker, you getting cocky?" she asked, her face darkening.
Charlie thought for a moment. "I'm just respecting you, not scared of you. Hope you know your place and don't try—"
"I'm counting to three."
"I'm going now."
When Carter raised three fingers, Charlie vanished in a flash of magical sparks.
Wait, did she just play me?
Back on Sakaar with the scepter, Charlie suddenly realized the possibility.
He was Earth's boss now. How could he be scared of a—
"Woman, what are you gonna do to me?"
A shadow flickered in front of him, and Charlie instinctively moved to protect himself.
"You're…"
Looking at the fit woman before him, Charlie was puzzled at first, then it clicked.
"Oh, I get it."
He pulled a dollar from his pants and handed it to her. "I'll save you all soon. Take this dollar for now. I'll give you another later. No more picking cotton for you."
Valkyrie: "…"
She stared at the dollar in her hand, veins popping on her forehead.
Thor was right—Earth's Spider-Man was a total nutcase.
Before she could speak, Charlie added, "No need to thank me. Just give me fifty cents back. That's the handling fee."
Valkyrie: "…"
She took a deep breath, barely restraining the urge to pummel him, and forced a smile.
"I'm from Asgard, the last surviving Valkyrie," she introduced herself.
Charlie had another epiphany.
"Oh! It's you—gimme my dollar back."
He snatched the dollar from her hand and carefully tucked it back into his pants.
"Don't tell anyone where I hide my money, or I'll sue you," he whispered threateningly.
Valkyrie clenched her fists, grinding her teeth.
"Don't worry, I won't tell.
But I saw that broadcast. You already own the whole Earth. You're rich now."
"You don't get it."
Charlie sighed dramatically, his eyes turning melancholic.
"Everything Spider-Man has will one day be lost. This feeling—sorry, I haven't actually experienced it yet. Got a bit sentimental there. My bad.
But you know, the invincible Spider-Man has to be ready for whatever the future might bring.
Well, judging by how you wanna take me out but can't, I know you don't get what I'm trying to make you get."
Just as Valkyrie was about to snap, Charlie got serious.
"So, what do you want with me?" he asked.
Valkyrie took a deep breath, suppressing her urge to lash out.
"Just a reminder: Odin sealed Hela on Earth. The Nine Realms' prophecy of Ragnarok is coming. You'd better be ready."
With that, she turned and left without hesitation, not wanting to say another word to this lunatic.
Charlie watched her go, thoughtfully stroking his chin.
"What are you looking at?" Dark Thor suddenly leaned in, joining Charlie in eyeing Valkyrie's retreating figure.
Charlie nodded. "She's walking like it's a catwalk!" He couldn't help but clap.
Dark Thor: "…"
"Spider-Man, I want to go back to Asgard. When are you taking me?" he asked.
"Now."
Charlie raised the Sakaar scepter, and a dazzling beam of light enveloped them.
The next moment, they appeared at the end of the Rainbow Bridge.
"Whoa, that was fast! Is this the Grandmaster's scepter? It's got teleportation powers?" Dark Thor stared curiously at the scepter in Charlie's hand.
Clank clank~
The sound of armor clinking rang out as Heimdall, clad in battle gear, approached Dark Thor.
"I'm the one who brought you here," he said, his face grim.
Because, well, his face was always grim.
Dark Thor blinked, confused, pointing at the scepter. "Then what's this…?"
Charlie raised the scepter, explaining, "Just a coincidence."
Dark Thor: "…"
"Looks like you took it seriously."
Charlie patted his shoulder, then glanced at Heimdall's golden sword.
"If Ragnarok comes, can I snag that sword?"
Heimdall nodded expressionlessly. "Of course, if you can protect all of Asgard."
"You actually answered."
Charlie was stunned. These guys knew Ragnarok was coming but didn't seem to care.
Dark Thor offered an explanation.
"Ragnarok? Just some unreliable myth. Let's go. This time, I helped Spider-Man take down the evil Grandmaster and end Sakaar's brutal rule. Father will definitely forgive me."
Talking eagerly, Dark Thor hurried off the Rainbow Bridge.
Behind him, Charlie and Heimdall exchanged glances.
"When did he help me beat the Grandmaster?"
"Joining the game counts as helping."
"Fair enough. He was a big help."
Charlie shrugged and followed Thor off the bridge.
Below, countless Asgardians curiously eyed Dark Thor and Charlie behind him.
"Is that Thor?"
"My gods! How did the handsome, valiant God of Thunder end up like this?"
"So dark."
"So ugly."
"I'm glad he didn't accept my confession back then."
"Sweetheart, he didn't reject you—you weren't his type."
"You jerk! Wait till we get home!"
In the crowd, Charlie watched a poor sap get dragged off by a tigress of a woman, marveling at how similar the worlds were.
But judging by their confused looks, these people didn't seem to know Spider-Man.
Charlie grinned.
This was a perfect place to build a fanbase!
Lost in thought, a notification popped up in front of him.
[You've played the cosmic good neighbor, maintaining Earth's peace. Resurrection Match retries +1.]
[You've played the cosmic good neighbor, boosting people's happiness. You can now forcibly designate one character for the Resurrection Match.]
Charlie raised an eyebrow.
They were starting to follow Spider-Man's orders.
Forcing someone into the Resurrection Match? Now that was an interesting twist.
Smirking, he thought about how, when facing tough opponents, he could just trigger a thrilling, unfair Resurrection Match.
The ultimate one-for-one trade.
As he mused, the crowd parted, and Loki, leading the Warriors Three and Heimdall's sister, the goddess Sif, stepped forward to greet Thor.
"Hey, my dear brother, you're finally back."
Hyper-masculine Loki beamed, even shedding tears as he hugged Dark Thor, the picture of brotherly love.
Dark Thor didn't sense anything off.
"Hahaha, my brother, thanks for coming to get me!"
He hugged Loki tightly, his big hand smacking Loki's back, nearly knocking the wind out of him.
Cough cough~
Loki coughed a few times, subtly glancing at Charlie.
The next second, Dark Thor whispered to Charlie, "See? My brother loves me. He's not the villain you all think he is."
Charlie grinned. "Yeah, yeah, your brother seems real great!"
"Of course. I'm a great judge of character."
Dark Thor puffed up proudly, then went to greet his friends.
Meanwhile, Sif ignored Thor, her gaze fixed on Charlie.
Taking advantage of Thor chatting with his buddies, she approached Charlie.
"You're the Spider-Man from Earth. Heimdall often watches you and tells me your stories."
"What?"
Charlie froze. Heimdall's been watching me?
No wonder that guy always seemed off.
A fan, huh?
He instinctively turned his perfect profile to Sif, lowering his voice.
"Lady, congrats on earning my congratulations. You recognized Spider-Man out of costume. I'll give you an exclusive autograph later."
"No, I'm not your fan."
Sif said seriously, "I heard you're immortal. I'm very interested in your body."
"No way! You too?"
Charlie stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest.
"There's a crowd here. Don't get wild."
Sif looked puzzled at Charlie's theatrics. "Heimdall admires your humor, but I don't get it."
"Oh, that's how it is!"
Charlie toned down his performance, shrugging. "So, what's up?"
"I want to duel you."
Charlie raised an eyebrow. "You sure?"
"Absolutely."
"Alright, I'm in."
"The loser has to offer their—"
Before Sif could finish, Heimdall appeared out of nowhere, clamped a hand over her mouth, and silently dragged her into the crowd.
Charlie: "???"
"Offer what?" he asked the air, spreading his hands.
"Offer your passion!"
The next second, Dark Thor stood on a high platform, shouting, "Give your hottest passion to welcome Earth's Spider-Man! He'll help us capture the escaped fire giant Surtur. He's Asgard's most honored guest, a superhero even Odin can't stop praising, the cosmic good neighbor even Thor has to admire!"
Instantly, the Asgardians erupted in excitement, leaving Charlie dumbfounded.
What did I just agree to?
Before he could process, the calm sky filled with golden particles, coalescing into a majestic, aged face.
"It's Father!"
Dark Thor gasped, quickly bowing to listen.
The surrounding Asgardians hurriedly paid their respects.
Only Charlie dared to look up and meet the eyes of the figure in the sky.
Odin, the Allfather. Finally, we meet.
Next time, the invincible Spider-Man's gonna make an entrance with that projection tech.