Hey, Folks!
I hope that this newest entry finds you all well.
I've been doing pretty well, I suppose lol.
One step and one day at a time.
That is all any of us can do as humans, you know?
I hope the year has been good to you all thus far!
I don't have much of anything new going on in my life as of now, so this may seem a bit dry, but I will do my best to at least keep it light, lol.
My only gripe, had I one, would be my lingering loneliness...
Not having someone to have and to hold is kinda shitty, you know?
Loneliness can become quite heavy if we let it, but how do we combat that feeling?
Hmm.
To be human is quite the strange thing.
Let's go see what Young me was getting into, yeah?
He always seemed to be into something interesting, lol.
See you back here soon, yeah?
I love and appreciate all of you.
OH!
And thank you all kindly for 144.03K views in English, and an additional 58.87K over on our Spanish version!
That blows my mind!
Mayhap one day I will be blessed with a small contract, yeah?
A boy can dream...
See you soon, Folks.
Enjoy.
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September 12th, 2013.
Journal #091.
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It's crazy how I've had this journal for over two years, and I am only on entry #90.
Between cars having sex would be amazing, lol.
Man, my thoughts get crazy...
It's gone beyond just kissing in my thoughts.
Hey, that's life.
That's my crazy imagination at war again.
Work has been going well.
Good kids & employees.
I'm talking more about me to her.
Balance the scales.
I know a lot about her, so it's only fair.
I haven't really just opened up to anyone in years.
Crazy how these things work.
I hope I have enough money in my account to pay the electricity bill.
The rent is going to be due soon as well.
Life...
I'm staying positive.
God always has a plan.
I know it.
My Tumblr account has been doing well.
It keeps my mind from fracturing again.
Holding things in isn't so good for me.
I'm used to being single.
The loneliness has faded a lot...
I guess seeing her helps.
Companionship can do a lot for your mind.
Time to head to bed.
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Hmm.
An interesting entry.
- I stopped writing after we started dating. I didn't write for so long, and it started to change me on a very deep and personal level, you know? Journaling and poetry were always my go-to and my source of strength.
She demonized and picked apart my poetry...
She started sneaking about and reading my journal behind my back, then weaponizing it in wild ways...
It broke me down.
I couldn't vent or process because I couldn't write to get anything out.
She ruined me in so many ways that I lost a sense of everything that I was.
Bah.
I am much better off now, you know?
Healing takes time, but trauma is heavy.
Let it go.
- "We're making out inside crashed cars." is a line from a Fall Out Boy song called "Of all the Gin joints in all the world." I was a huge fan of it, and it spilled into my thoughts while I was daydreaming about her. That evolved it into "Between cars having sex" because my brain had heard the lyrics as "We're making love between crashed cars."
I was fantasizing about making love to her while she was biding her time and taking from me what she could, while she could.
Bah.
- I don't recall where I was working, but it sounds like I was either teaching or working for the Boys and Girls Club. I will have to think about it and reconsider the timeline.
- I began to tell her more and more about myself, as if she wasn't already siphoning enough out of my journal entries. I am sure that this did nothing but fuel her narcissistic need for more. Had I known that I was essentially programming an A.I. to pick me apart spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, I would have been more... selective with my words shared.
I tend to be an open book with the right people, but most people don't deserve that time and energy, you know?
- I was and still am working on financial stability. I poured so much of myself, my time, and my money into her in the 8.5 years we were together, then another two years after we broke up. I was a fool in love, and a bigger fool outside of it.
Never again.
I now know and see all of the red flags that are presented to me, and I shut them down immediately. I refuse to let myself and my heart be used ever again.
She taught me that much, if nothing else.
- I still have a Tumblr account! lmao!
Do I use it? Not really, but maybe I should. We live in a digital world, you know? I should maybe post links to this series and my poetry. Maybe that would help me get a small contract and make a living!
I will leave you all at that and let you get back to your life! I love you, and I hope all is well and continues to be well.
I will see you all soon enough, yeah?
Take care of yourself, and stay positive, okay?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.