I find it a bit daunting that, as of late, this little series has been garnering a fair bit of attention lol.
All of you are killing me!
LBVS.
Thank you kindly for your time and energy, you know?
There are billions of other books and series out there, and here you are!
WHY!? I DON'T KNOW!
But it makes me feel strange lol.
I am glad that I can be entertaining enough for you all to read along AND return week after week lol.
I love it, and I love you.
I would never venture to imagine that I or my life are interesting enough to warrant a micro readership such as thus, but I am humble and forever grateful that you are here.
It helps in ways that maybe you all can actually imagine, you know?
This all has been...challenging to say the least, but it has also been quite cathartic.
Healing.
In a strange, yet very much needed way...
I think that I needed/need to go back and read these old journals of mine. it just helps that I have a handful of people to sit about and do it with me, lbvs.
I will drop all the mushy crap and leave you to what you came for lol.
Enjoy.
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July 31st, 2013.
Journal #064.
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So, the ship has nearly sunk.
I...the LAST thing I want is for XXXXX to feel as if it's her fault.
It's not.
No matter what I feel for her, I have to be as honest with myself and the people around me as possible.
I have to be a man of my word...
I really hate drama...
Really.
Really.
XXXXX just needs to see what reality holds...
More for her own good than anything.
It's suicide to love someone who can't love you back...
I would know...
I've been there.
I've also been that person, and I can't...
I can't go through that again.
Nor can I live with the pain that karma brings to people who use people.
I won't be that man...
Look to brighter days, huh...
-----
Hmm.
-I am sure I know who that first XXXXX was, and I hate that she turned out to be an extended rebound from the damage that was done by a woman that I feel madly in love with while I was in pre-med school...The Librarian.
The one that my "best friend/God brother ran off with.
I think that we've covered that story by this point, lmao!
I really did like her, but I couldn't see myself falling in love with her.
That was an obvious detriment to our relationship, and it didn't help that I was slowly love-bombing myself into being head-over-heels for the Goth.
I was a mess, lol.
A 24-year-old mess.
I had always been quixotic as shit, and man, oh man, how women were and probably will always be my weakness.
I was just looking for that one.
And I still am...
I thought it was the Goth, you know?
But...maybe I shouldn't say too much.
Well, I suppose I should just let you all read the next 50 chapters and find out for yourself!
-I cared about that young lady immensely, but I wasn't in love with her after a year, and I knew that it was time to cut it at that point.
I, as I mentioned, had been in a one-sided relationship for some time before her...I had been madly in love with someone who had simply tossed me aside when she was done.
I did my best to communicate with her my feelings, and break it off in a way that was mot just me being a shitty guy, you know?
Much easier said than done...
But I managed.
And it still sucked.
The irony?
I would end up in a very long relationship in which I was the one who was showering someone in love that was hardly ever requited.
That shit is torturous, and a prison.
I would not subject her to that fate.
I am glad that I didn't, but I hate that II had to break her heart.
I will stand by the statement and fact that I have never used anyone to further something for myself.
Ever.
Anything that I've done with anyone I've ever met has always been either mutually beneficial or not done at all.
-Looking back, I was not only trying to free my then-girlfriend of an ill-fated relationship with me, but I was selfishly trying to free myself of her so that I could be available for the Goth.
I think I have suffered far more than enough karma for that one, lbvs.
Don't do that, folks.
Don't rush to free yourself for someone who isn't free for you or actively wants you to be free for them.
That path leads only to pain.
I am drained lol
I will leave you all at that, and thank you all once more for sitting around with me and these Old Journals for this long, lol.
I love you all, yeah?
I will see you all back here soon enough!
Safe travels out there, folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.
P.S. Maybe I'll be able to get a physical copy printed someday!
Feel good about how this chapter makes you feel?
Maybe buy me a coffee sometime!, lol.
buymeacoffee.com/teranceivy
I love you all.