When one tries to act kind, when one tries to do what's right, is it only right that they don't receive a reward for their actions?
No, that is not what happens. You see, the world is a shape, and it can be quite a beautiful one at that.
But there will always be something or something trying to pull it apart, to unravel it. When this happens, we lose our deterministic values and go into the chaos of our lives.
These people tearing at the world, their actions can be mended by a stitch, an act of kindness that will bring back our order.
But when the stitches become too much, the world can unravel and the shape will come apart, falling down with nothing to catch it.
Just falling, and falling, and falling... until we can no longer catch it, no longer save it.
—The Third Anarchist
We walked past a large field of grass and trees, with Ootaea talking to me the spot that she once used to go to, the edge of Point B, the edge where no one dared go past.
"I'm really excited for you to see this... I haven't been to the spot in years. Azer used to say that I'd always get distracted and wouldn't be able to see what he saw, so I'm not quite sure what to expect. But... I hope it doesn't make you feel worse." Ootaea said, though her voice was shaking a bit, as if she was scared.
"Why would I feel worse?" What exactly did she mean by that? Would it remind me of the fact that I've been seeing things?
"Well, you know... You've been saying weird things lately, so there's the off-chance that you might see things too, you know?" Her face was that of a person who was genuinely concerned, as if she was scared of my reaction, and it was understandable to say the least.
"I'll be fine, plus, are you sure that you're not going to be the one seeing things instead?" I said, hoping to lighten up her mood.
"I... Don't know, to be honest. It was Azer who always saw things in that place, and it's always been him that would narrate them to me... But I guess there's nothing wrong with giving it a shot." She said, her voice trailing off at the end, as if she was trying to make sense of the situation.
Past the field of grass, in the distance was a tree. A single, solitary, lonely tree that stood on the horizon. Its leaves were falling, and the trunk was covered in vines, as if it was suffocating and being consumed. "Look! That's where we used to go, it was such a nice place to sit down and talk. I remember it being such a relaxing spot..." She seemed happy, like she had found the peace of her memories.
"So this was where you would come with your friend?" I asked, not really expecting anything other than a simple answer, but the look in her eyes said more than enough.
"Yeah, this is the place... I don't know what to expect but... Let's go!" She urged me to go, as she began walking faster.
We arrived at the tree, the vines had nearly reached the top of it, and the leaves were still falling. There were a few small puddles around the area and the wind was starting to blow, we took a turn to the other side of the tree and...
There sat a man.
He had black hair that fell uneven across his face, strands drifting over pale skin that carried the faint sickness of someone long removed from the sun. His eyes held no joy, no sorrow, only a distant neutrality, as if the world could not anchor him or keep him interested in it.
His clothing was tattered and dirty, a ragged shirt that was stained with dried blood, and pants that had holes in the knees and a belt that was too loose.
He was sitting, with his back against the bark of the tree and his arms wrapped around his legs, as if he was protecting himself from the elements. His feet were bare, and his hands were trembling. He was shivering.
As Ootaea got closer to him, she flinched and turned back, as if the man was some sort of ghost or spirit.
We weren't close enough to the man for him to have heard us, so I assumed he was sleeping or meditating. So I spoke, "Ootaea? What's wrong?"
"Nothing... It's nothing, it's just... That's... Azer..." She whispered, and then looked at the man.
The supposed "Azer" was still sitting there, staring into the sky. He was completely unmoving.
"What? Are you sure? He's alive?"
She nodded and turned to me, her expression was filled with both fear and confusion. "Yes, it's him, I'm sure of it... It's him, but he's..."
"What is he?"
She pointed to his feet and said, "look, look at his feet, they're bare, no shoes, no socks. That's not normal. Not in the slightest."
She was right, there was no trace of any shoes or socks.
"Why would he not wear shoes or socks? Is he homeless? Does he have nowhere to go?"
"I'm not sure, Dofro. All I know is that he's not wearing any footwear. This isn't like him. Azer would never do this." She said, still staring at the man.
"Should we go and ask him? He looks like he's in a trance."
"Maybe... I'll... I'll handle it!" She took a deep breath and then exhaled, and her hands shook slightly. She then turned to the man, and called out, "Hey! U-um... Azer? Are you alright?"
The man's head slowly turned toward her, his expression still neutral. Perhaps a bit dazed. He tilted his head before speaking, "Are you speaking another language? What kind of name is Azer?"
"N-no! Azer, I'm speaking English. Why do you think I'm speaking another language?"
"Oh. No, no. That void's not a good place, that's the last thing you wanna do is think of other people!" For the first time, his face contorted into something akin to an expression. He looked like a lost puppy.
She blinked twice and then shook her head and tried to compose herself. "No, no, no. You don't need to be scared. What's scaring you? The void? Or maybe the creatures in it?"
"What? No, no. The void is a bad place. Don't go there. You'll get eaten."
"Eaten?"
"By the creatures! The... the blue creatures, the ones that sing and dance!" He said, his voice becoming slightly shrill.
"Calm down. I won't go to the void, and I'll try to avoid the amalgamates... But, what are you doing here?"
"I don't know."
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't know."
"What did you do?"
"I don't know."
"When did this happen?"
What is this exchange?
"I don't remember."
Are they having a conversation?
"You have a bad memory, huh?"
"Yes."
"And you have a strange way of speaking."
"I've been told."
"Is this all you do?"
"What else can I do?"
"Live, Azer. Live and enjoy life."
"But my name is not Azer."
"Then who are you?"
"I am a man without a name."
"Do you want to be named?"
"No. I don't."
"You have a strange way of talking, you know that?"
"So I've been told."
Augh... These strange things keep happening... What are Ootaea and this strange man talking about?
"You seem pretty familiar, but at the same time, you're not. Like... A ghost or a spirit."
"Maybe I am."
"No, no, I mean, I think you are, or maybe I'm thinking too much. I'm not even sure myself."
"Maybe."
I'll have to try and stop this before I lose my damn mind. "Hey! Sorry to interrupt, but what the hell is going on?" I spoke, as the man turned to look at me. His face was still emotionless, but his eyes were different, they had a sense of... curiosity.
"Ah, it seems that we've got a third party involved in our conversation." He spoke, his voice was monotone and had a hint of sarcasm, almost as if he was a robot that could understand the emotions behind his words.
"A-ah! Doffy! When did you get here?" Ootaea was shocked, and she seemed quite panicked.
"What do you mean...? We came here together, from the orphanage? Didn't you see me?"
"I thought you stayed back, since you were busy doing something..." She seemed confused.
"Ootaea, are you alright? You're acting quite strangely, and you seem rather..." I stopped myself, not wanting to continue that sentence.
"You seem to be stricken... by the curse of the void." He spoke. "An affliction that has plagued many in the past! Why do you think I stand by here, waiting for my death? Because I know the fate of all who come close, they suffer, and they die." His face twisted, "and when those creatures... those... blue, blue creatures... eat them, their bodies fall and crumble into a blue goo. They become nothing, and no one knows of their existence!"
Is he... Talking about that? I know what he's referring to.
"Aah, he's clearly gone mad..." Ootaea deflected his words.
'He is not.' I wanted to say. But what was stopping me? What was this feeling in my throat, this fear that kept me from speaking, this sense of dread that made my tongue dry and heavy? I did not know, but whatever it was, it was making me uncomfortable.
"And the world kept spinning! The moon rose, the sun fell, and the stars came out, but they would not be remembered! Their existences a mere folly! Their deaths unnoticed! And you, the girl, you're one of the lucky ones, because you still have a name." He continued, as if he had not heard her words.
This was clearly not going anywhere, but I was curious as to what his intentions were. I looked over at him, and asked, "what exactly are you doing here, sir?"
"I am a man of no importance, and my name is not important. I simply live, and watch."
"Watch what?"
"The Blue Void."
"Yeah but... why?"
"Because it is fascinating, and because it is the only place where I can be alone, and because the void is a beautiful place. And because..." The man paused, had a look at his hand and continued, "because it is a place where people disappear and no one can ever find them. Isn't that a wonderful thing?"
In what world is that a wonderful thing? I asked something similar to him, "is it so bad that you feel like you want to disappear and no one will ever find you?"
He turned and stared at me for a moment before turning away, and thus speaking, "do you truly believe in God, or do you just believe in yourself? Because if you really do believe in God, then maybe you should disappear and never be found. But if you only believe in yourself, then why should you care about anything else? Because there is nothing worth caring for, not anymore."
That was when I realized...
...he was just like me.
I couldn't help but look away, as I tried to comprehend the meaning behind his words.
"You are a lot like those stories, the breaking, the staking, the unmaking. You are not a god, but a man of no consequence." He said, as he reached out and touched my shoulder.
"What?"
"Those words are meant for you."
"But... I don't understand, what does this mean?"
"It means nothing, I don't even understand what I said." He laughed, and his smile was so bright and pure. It was a smile that belonged to a child, not an adult.
"Listen... Do you need help? Are you homeless?" I asked.
"No." He looked down, "Aah! No, you need to stop asking so many questions. For as many times as I can repeat it, the answer is no, I am not a homeless man. I have a house, no more, no less."
"Well then, what are you doing out here? Why are you not... Well, properly clothed and all?"
"Would you like it if a person came up to your sacred space and started asking you questions?" He looked at me, then her, "would you?"
"...No, I suppose not."
"Well then, there is your answer! Leave me be." He said, turning around and walking back to his tree, and sitting down again.
Ootaea looked at him, and then looked at me. Coming by closer by my side to whisper, "I guess this is a sign that we should leave him be... We're just going to have to wait and see, but... He doesn't seem like a threat, so I think it'll be okay."
I looked at her, and nodded, though I was unsure if we should trust her. "Alright." I replied, as she started to walk away, "Actually," I spoke up with something else in mind, "can you leave for a moment? I want to have a word with him, alone."
She looked back at him, then at me, and said, "...Okay, I'll wait by the others then. Just make sure to call for me if anything happens."
"I will."
As she walked off, I turned my attention back to the man. I couldn't help but feel uneasy, though I wasn't sure why.
"So, you want to talk?"
"Yeah. Just, for starters... So I can feel a little less anxious. What is your name? And please don't tell me 'it's not important'."
"It is not." He stated.
"I see."
"Why does the name matter, anyway? You don't quantify a person by their name. If you do, then you're just as much a monster as the people that hurt you. The people that did this to you." He said, referring to his own injuries, the bandages wrapped around his torso.
"That's easy for you to say." I muttered, as he took his hand away. "I guess... If I had to say, names to me are like labels. They are a way to define ourselves, a way to make us known. And a name can also give meaning to our actions. It is a way to make sure we are remembered."
"I see, I understand. But that doesn't matter anymore." He replied, his gaze was still focused on her as she waltzed away, "this world is ending, the void is coming. Soon you won't remember. So why bother learning my name?"
For a moment, I had to look down at my hands and remember.
Dead bodies on the ground, their names being stripped of them, being discarded. Their names being eaten away, becoming hollow and meaningless... "no, you're wrong. People will remember them..."
"Huh, and how would you know that?" He said, his eyebrows perked, with a small hint of curiosity. "Do you have a machine that can tell the future?"
I wasn't able to come up with anything to retort with. Of course, the "cruelty" that had happened to me before had taken a toll on my psyche... But regardless, that didn't mean it was okay for me to let things become a burden for the others as well.
He smirked at me, showing his yellowish and cracked teeth. "You're not going to tell me that you've remembered someone gone, or someone lost, right?"
I looked back at him, noticing a seriousness in his voice, even through the grin on his face. "That... Yeah, I have."
Bewilderment? Shock? Confusion? These emotions all passed through him in such an instant.
"Hooo, okay, I see..." he whispered, turning back to look at the tree. I could see his hands shaking as they clutched the bark. He looked like he was lost, a ghost of a memory, not the flesh and blood being in front of him. "So you're one of them... The ones mistaken by that God, a child at heart. What's your name anyway, kid?"
"Doesn't really matter, now does it?" I cracked a grin and chuckled. And so did he.
"Haha! I suppose you are correct..." he then brought his arm to his torso, clutching a bandage. He was in pain, and perhaps deep thought as well. His face suddenly grew concerned, almost fearful. It was as if a look of... Despair had taken place on his face. "W-we should..." he whispered.
"We should what?"
He put up a shaky arm to cover his mouth and whisper "run."
"Run?"
"They've arrived, the fodder, the sinners... and the traitor... all in one, a pathetic and shambling band, of children... no, abominations..."
"Who the hell are you talking about? There's... Nothing... Wait..." I turned and looked, and beyond the edge of the void, was the spot Ootaea once described as being "filled" by a different "world", and thus the words he said struck a chord within my very being. There stood... 'Something', or just a face, a reflection that stared at the void and stood against it. No, this cannot be.
"Don't look at it, and keep moving." He moved forward and continued with haste, "hurry."
I followed suit, but I could only wonder, was that beyond just being an amalgamate? It was no mere 'face' nor 'appearance'... It was more of... just a reflection of a different world. In an odd sort of way, a 'different face'. That was the only possible explanation that I could think of.
But it's true nature wasn't relevant, he told me not to look back. I could hear noises from afar. Voices whispering to each other in hushed tones and hissing, a noise of shapes sloshing around and moving.
"Keep your voice down and get inside."
"Inside?" I didn't pay too much attention to where we were till now, but we were by a house, his home? "I didn't take you for the kind of man to bring guests to his house without asking first."
"It wasn't intentional, and you would have to agree." He said as he led us further into the building.
He made way, as we entered and saw the inside was rather simple. Some basic furnishings were within, a counter, table, couch, a window looking out the fields. There were doors leading to who knows where...
Snapping his fingers to get my attention, he sat me down on one of the chairs and sat across me, taking a cup of water on the table with a glass. "Do you want one?" He offered,
"No, I'm good." Now, I had to ask... "Can you explain what the fuck that was? Those... things, I saw, they are... Ugh. I can't."
"It's the misplaced memories and voices of the people trapped in that space, and the reflections of it." He answered. "Those aren't monsters nor amalgamates nor anything you see. They're people, likely ones you've known. Trapped in a prison and stripped of their past."
"...How do you know any of this?"
"Because that's what happened to me. It's what happened to you. It only happens to the likened, the hated and despised. It is a gift only given to a few lucky, maybe unlucky sods like us in exodus from this wicked God's playthings. Only us, those who have been touched and defiled by his cruelty... Not quite the gods that people worship anymore, now are we?" He smiled.
I still couldn't understand... But somehow, somehow... I agreed. Somehow, the reasoning within his words made some amount of sense, but only in an abstract way. "You claim us to be gods... Is that the truth?"
His laughter had returned, though it was less manic and deranged. His face, twisted up, an awkward grin on his lips as he continued to sip on water, "Well, used to be. There isn't much information I could give you before I end up dead however. What a cruel twist of irony, am I right?" he smiled again as he gently brushed his finger over the cold glass, with a seemingly worried and nervous expression on his face. This wasn't like a smile or smirk on his face at all... Was it more of... A polite one? Or... Was he trying to express some form of comfort for himself? I couldn't tell.
"So there's really nothing else you can say? Nothing at all?"
"Nothing."
I clenched my fists as hard as I could, "Damn it..." Somehow, I felt close to finding out a truth about Alice's death. Yet... And yet...! It was pulled away from me right as I was nearing the answer, right on the edge of a cliff. All I knew was that if that corpse and I were alike... Then I too... would be used and broken beyond repair, just a husk of a person, like him. The man sitting in front of me had reached the end of the line.