I'm not sure how other people feel after being kissed by someone they've been yearning for for so long. I don't know what they do afterward. Maybe they smile. Maybe they stay there, trying to understand what just happened. Maybe they kiss them back and finally say everything they've been keeping inside. But me? I ran. I just ran away without looking back. And it wasn't because I hated the kiss. God, no. I didn't hate it. I just didn't know what to do in that moment. That was exactly the thing I had been avoiding from the very beginning. When he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, and when the moment actually came, when everything I had been trying so hard to avoid finally happened, all I did was panic and run. But after talking to my best friend, Leah, I realized I needed to talk to him. I needed to know what he was thinking. So I called him. Twice. And he didn't pick up. He didn't even text me the entire day. Not one message. Nothing. And I don't know if he understood what that did to me. How could he kiss me and then ignore me the very next day? How could he do that? I called my best friend again, and she helped me calm down again. I waited the entire day, trying not to overthink everything, until he finally called that night. And you know what was worse? He didn't even seem like he wanted to talk to me. I was trying so hard to stay calm, to sound caring, to act like everything was okay, but he clearly didn't want to talk. So why the hell did he even call me? Was ignoring me for the entire day not enough? Did he really have to call just to make me feel even worse? Maybe he was trying to tell me, "Girl, why don't you get it? I don't want to talk to you. I don't want you." Whatever. Fuck. This has to end. I'm not going crazy over this guy again. I'm done. I'm going to send him a message, and for God's sake, I want this to end. "Hola. Um… how are you doing? I was thinking… I mean, can I ask you something?" I sent the message.
A few minutes later, his voice message came through.
Him: "Hola. I'm good. Yeah, sure. You can ask me anything."
Me: "Why? Why are you being like this? I mean, why are you doing this?"
Him: "Why am I doing what? What did I do? Just… can you be more specific?"
I stared at the screen.
Me: "What do you mean? Well, you did nothing. You… I mean, I don't know if it's just men, or I don't know. You know what? Just forget I asked anything. Forget it. Forget it. Have a good night. I mean… have a good day."
Him: "No, don't be like that. Just say what you want to say. Say it, then we solve it, and it's done." I clenched my jaw.
Me: "You clearly are doing it again, and now you're asking me as if you don't know what I'm talking about. So just keep pretending you don't know, and continue living your life the way you're doing."
Him: "No, Anna. Come on. Don't do that. Don't be like that. Why are you always like that? Just say it. Even if… I mean, haven't we been through hell already? Just say it." I took a deep breath.
Me: "Okay. Look, this is what I'm talking about. But if you want the truth, then let me tell you the truth. You're the one who brought me into this. I was clearly living my life as your best friend.I was just living my life, and I was doing okay. You came into my life acting all caring and everything. Of course, you were sweet. You were a good friend. You were my best friend. And you knew you had a girlfriend. I knew you had a girlfriend too, and I knew my boundaries. But you kept acting beyond those boundaries. And then you were the one who came to me and said we had to stop talking because we were going way too far from being best friends. And I accepted your decision because you had a girlfriend. Then you came back to me, acting completely normal, as if nothing had ever happened. And I was stupid enough to let you in again. I let you in again and kept being your best friend because that's what friends do. Then you started having all those mental health issues, and I was there for you. You pushed everyone away, and I was still there for you. Even when you didn't want me there, I was there. Right? I was there for you. And then I was the one trying to hold your relationship together. Wasn't I? Did my advice not work? Just tell me. Didn't I spend all that time trying to help you? And then you broke up with your girlfriend. After ignoring me for I don't even know how many days after we finished high school, you didn't call. You didn't text. And I told myself that was okay. Then you finally called, and the first thing you told me was, 'I broke up with my girlfriend.' What did you expect me to say? 'Oh, congratulations'? 'I'm so happy for you'? I ignored you. Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I ignored you. I had my reasons. And then, on your birthday, you kissed me. You kissed me, and I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do. I panicked. That's it. And the next day, you ignored me for the entire fucking day. And when you called me last night, do you remember how you sounded? Do you remember what you were saying? You sounded like you didn't want to talk to me at all. So if you just wanted to confirm that you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you could have texted me and said, 'Don't talk to me again.' And I wouldn't have. But now you're sitting there telling me you did nothing? Don't fucking push my buttons, please." There was a pause. Then his message came through.
Him: " Woo, woo, woo, woo. So now you're talking. Now you're talking. You're the one who ignored me for two weeks. Okay? You ignored me for two weeks." I rolled my eyes. Me: "Uh-uh. No. Let's not start there." Him: "I accept that I went beyond the boundaries. But what did you do when I went beyond those boundaries? What did you do? Did you tell me to stop? Did you tell me it was bad for you? No. Because you enjoyed the moment. And then, after I broke up with my girlfriend, yeah, you're my best friend. I had to tell you. Did you want me to just keep it from you and let you find out from somewhere else? And yeah, I didn't talk to you after I came home. I had my reasons too. You ignored me for two weeks. Then you came to my birthday party acting all normal, as if nothing had happened. You didn't even apologize for ignoring me for two weeks. Then you asked me to take you somewhere. What did you expect me to do? I took you somewhere. And don't say I kissed you. You were the one who pulled me toward you, and I kissed you. Then you kissed me back, which means you wanted me to kiss you. And then you know what you did? Maybe you've forgotten. You ran away. You fucking ran away. And then the next day, you were calling me, blah, blah, blah, acting all calm and normal as if nothing had happened. What did you expect me to do? You got me confused too. So what? Huh?" I stared at his messages, my heart pounding against my chest. I didn't even know what to say anymore. I was angry. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. And most of all, I was tired. So I typed the only thing that came to my mind.
Me: "You know what? Fuck this." I sent it. His response came almost immediately.
Him: "What do you mean, fuck this?"
I stared at the screen for a few seconds before turning my phone off.
Anna offline.
I couldn't believe he had actually pushed my buttons this far. This fucking guy really had the nerve to go this far. He really did. But fuck him. Fuck love. Fuck whatever the hell he was saying. Fuck this. Fuck everything.
Hours later...
"Mom, mom, I'm going to the market," I called out.
"Okay. See you later, baby," she replied.
"See you later, Mom," I shouted before leaving.
I decided to go to the supermarket, just to walk out in the night and feel the cold wind blowing through my hair. I thought it could make me feel better. I hoped it could make me feel good because this day was so shitty. Until now, I can't even get his voice notes out of my mind. They kept playing again and again in my ears, and it's driving me crazy. But I love night walks, especially when the streets are quiet, and I love shopping even when I don't actually know what I want to buy. So I hope maybe I can go home after this feeling much better. I'm not even sure what to buy. Maybe I can find some junk food. Chocolates, biscuits, sweets, or chips. Yeah, maybe chocolates and biscuits sounded better. I walk into the supermarket and I grab a basket, slowly making my way through the aisles. I'm not really paying attention to what is around me. My mind is somewhere else, replaying the same conversation over and over again. Picking up the box of chocolates, a thought comes to my mind immediately. "Why aren't we allowed to eat in the supermarket?" I ask myself. Then I notice someone who is already doing it, and I get so curious. A person is walking a few steps ahead of me, eating some snacks. I frown. Wait. Am I seeing clearly? Eating inside the supermarket? I stop walking and stare, but it isn't enough. I start tiptoeing after a random person in a supermarket. Maybe I'm being nosy, but after the kind of day I have had, apparently this is the kind of entertainment I need. I continue walking quietly, trying to figure out the nonsense. I can't see the face, but I can clearly see the chewing. Seriously? I look around, as if I'm somehow the supermarket police. Eating inside the supermarket. Who does that? I take a few more steps. Then I slow down. I don't want the person to notice me, so I keep walking up on my toes, trying to see over the whole thing. A little closer. Then he stops. I immediately stop too. My heart suddenly starts beating faster, and I have no idea why. The person slowly turns around. And I freeze. My smile disappears. My stomach drops. No. No way. Of all the people in this entire city, of all the people I could possibly run into tonight... It has to be him. Rafael.
There was a shock, a shock of silence, and I said, "Hi."
"Hi," he said.
It was more like we were both traumatized at the same time. And after what felt an hour of looking at each other with shocked eyes, we just said at the same time, simultaneously, "Can we talk?"
I blinked and said "I'm sorry," "No, no, I'm sorry," he protested
"We can sit outside," he added.
Then we walked out of the supermarket from the back door, and sat on the bench by the road. It was so late in the night that there was no one walking on the roads anymore. We just sat there, looking at the empty road in front of us. And for a while, neither of us said anything.Then we turned to each other at the same time.There was another awkward moment.
"I wanted to..." I started.
"I wanted to..." he said at the same time.
We both stopped.
"No, you go first," he said.
"No, you go first," I said.
"No, whatever," I said, turning myself around and looking forward again.
For a few seconds, I just sat there, trying to figure out what I was even supposed to say.
Then suddenly, he turned my head toward him and kissed me.
I immediately pushed him away.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked, staring at him. "What is seriously going on with you? What are you doing? I mean, what the fuck?"
After everything that had happened today he just pulled me closer and kissed me?What the fuck?
He looked at me for a second.
And then, out of nowhere, like he was throwing a bomb right at me, he said, "I love you."
To be honest ,I froze and I didn't know what just happened to me, I looked at him, trying to understand what I had just heard then suddenly i said "I love you too," and I kissed him back.
Then He kissed me back, and suddenly everything else disappeared.It was a hungry kiss I've never thought could exist before,it was like we hadn't seen each other in years and we were both dying to kiss each other.
The truth was, I had been dying to kiss him since the first day we talked to each other in high school.