—Go back to the past, confess to Kotomi before Yui, and make up for the regret.
Yukino Yukinoshita often found herself lost in thought because of this idea.
But every time she immersed herself in such imagination, she would, as if committing a kind of self-harm, refuse to let herself sink into it for too long. The rational voice in her heart kept telling her:
A novel is ultimately just a novel, and reality will always be reality. No matter how much she fantasized in her heart about traveling back to that day and confessing to Kotomi before Yui, it could never change the fact that in real life, Kotomi was Yui's girlfriend.
Every time she thought of this, Yukino Yukinoshita would, as if feeling that the degree of this "self-harm" was not harsh enough, add another question to herself: Even if there really were magic that could turn time back to that day, could she truly guarantee that she would be able to muster the courage and confess to Kotomi before Yui?
After asking herself this question, Yukino Yukinoshita did not say the answer in her heart. What the answer was, she had long known. She just refused to say it out loud. Yukino refused to admit that even if time were reversed, she might still be so cowardly that she would not dare to confess to Kotomi before Yui.
Sometimes, Yukino Yukinoshita was jealous of Yui, and also envied Yui. She envied Yui's courage.
Jealousy was, in fact, a more extreme form of envy.
She envied Yui Yuigahama's courage, and naturally also felt jealous of Yui Yuigahama for being able, because of that courage, to successfully confess to Kotomi and become Kotomi's girlfriend.
Yukino Yukinoshita had tried countless times to make herself more open-minded and to bless Yui with happiness, because Yui was her best friend.
Yukino Yukinoshita, whose personality had been like an iceberg since childhood, did not know how to get along with people in the past. Coupled with that cold expression of hers, she had no friends at all.
Until now, after meeting Kotomi Izumi, Kotomi Izumi was like a warm little sun, radiating a warmth that gently illuminated her, gradually melting the cold that covered her surface. Little by little, Kotomi influenced her, allowing her to gradually gain a small number of friends, even if there were only four: Kotomi, Yui, Mashiro, and Megumi.
But compared to her past self who did not have a single friend, these four friends were so precious.
Yukino Yukinoshita cherished these four friends very much, hoping that the friendship between them could last a long, long time.
Even though she now knew that Yui was dating Kotomi, and the jealousy in her heart could not be controlled, she would still continuously suppress the jealousy within her.
First, because Yukino believed that Yui was not at fault. She herself had never shown it, so it was naturally impossible for Yui to know that she liked Kotomi. The one at fault was herself. If she had been able to summon the courage back then and confess to Kotomi before Yui, then she would be Kotomi's girlfriend now.
Instead of being like now, like the background of a movie starring two people, watching helplessly as the two of them were sweet together, letting all kinds of emotions such as unwillingness, jealousy, and disappointment ferment within her heart.
Second, because Yukino Yukinoshita wanted to maintain this hard-won friendship. She did not want the friendship between them to fall apart.
In some situations, friendship and love would become like heavy glass spheres held in the palms of one's left and right hands. The longer they stayed in the palms, the heavier their weight would become.
When it became almost impossible to support the weight of both glass spheres with both hands, one glass sphere would inevitably have to be abandoned, using both hands to hold up the other glass sphere.
The glass spheres were very heavy, so heavy that one had no choice but to abandon one, using both hands to hold the one that was chosen.
They were also extremely fragile, so fragile that once one glass sphere was abandoned from the palm and allowed to fall toward the ground, it was destined to shatter amid a mournful cry of breaking apart, fragments of glass scattering all over the ground, and might even unintentionally cut someone.
Yukino Yukinoshita felt that she was now like someone holding two glass spheres whose weight was gradually increasing, her left hand supporting the glass sphere named "love," and her right hand supporting the glass sphere named "friendship."
The voice of "Little Yukino" in her heart kept telling her to abandon the glass sphere named "friendship," letting it fall and shatter, breaking into pieces. Use both hands to hold the glass sphere named "love." Once she used both hands to hold the glass sphere named "love," the ever-increasing weight of the glass sphere would stop accordingly, and she would walk together with Kotomi and obtain happiness.
Even if it meant making the glass sphere of "friendship" a complete mess, shattering all over the ground, it would still be worth it.
Yukino Yukinoshita's right hand trembled uncontrollably for a moment.
Coming back to her senses and temporarily pulling herself out of those thoughts, gradually shifting her attention back to reality, Yukino Yukinoshita finally realized that the book in her hands was gone.
Subconsciously, she reached out to feel the pocket of the coat hanging on the rack, and inside it she touched the novel she had been reading before falling asleep.
There was also the scent unintentionally left behind by Kotomi Izumi on her clothes, which instinctively made Yukino Yukinoshita feel happy, her heart cheering with joy.
The very next moment, she felt shy because she had just been cheering in her heart like that.
After confirming that the book was in her coat pocket, Yukino Yukinoshita did not take it out to continue reading. It was already late, and it was time to rest.
However, before going to sleep, she wanted to go to the restroom first.
She had drunk a bit too much water during dinner...
She temporarily removed the blanket covering her body and placed it on the seat. Under the dim nighttime lighting of the train car, she walked toward the restroom.
Not far away, the female attendant sitting in the crew-only seat seemed to be engaged in a "life-and-death struggle" with drowsiness, the battle looking evenly matched.
Yukino Yukinoshita deliberately lightened her footsteps. She already walked as if she made no sound at all, and because of that, Kotomi often teased her: Yukino, are you a ghost?
Now that she was deliberately lightening her steps, it was as if the sound of her footsteps had completely disappeared.
After coming out of the restroom, Yukino Yukinoshita continued to keep her footsteps light as she walked back to her seat. When she was about to sit down, she could not help but glance at Kotomi Izumi beside her.
Just now, she had been doing her best not to look in Kotomi's direction, not only because she was afraid that seeing Kotomi's sleeping face would make her unable to calm down and lead to insomnia. More importantly, Yukino Yukinoshita did not want to see Kotomi and Yui sleeping while holding each other.
Once she saw the two of them sleeping in each other's arms, the unwillingness in her heart would make Yukino instantly feel as if a wooden sword full of splinters had stabbed straight into her eyes.
Right now, Yukino Yukinoshita only wanted to escape, to avoid looking at the sweet sight of Kotomi and Yui as much as possible. As long as she escaped and did not look, she could still suppress the swelling jealousy and unwillingness in her heart.
Running away might be shameful, but it works.
The logic was sound, but as she passed by Kotomi Izumi, listening to the steady and cute sound of Kotomi's breathing by her ear, Yukino Yukinoshita recalled the night Kotomi had stayed at her place.
That time, even though it was Kotomi's first time coming to the apartment where she lived, due to a series of coincidences, she ended up staying the night, and they slept together on the same bed.
It was also that night that Yukino Yukinoshita learned that when Kotomi slept—she did not like wearing clothes.
Yukino Yukinoshita still remembered clearly that night as well. Kotomi Izumi, because of a nightmare, had pressed her down beneath her body. It was the first time Yukino had seen Kotomi having a nightmare. That expression on Kotomi's face was like a flower on the verge of wilting at any moment, making one unable to resist wanting to protect her even at the cost of one's own life.
If Kotomi Izumi in her usual state gave people a somewhat airheaded feeling, or perhaps a feeling that made people want to rely on her because of her maternal warmth, then Kotomi during a nightmare only gave people the urge to desperately protect her.
This often made Yukino Yukinoshita think that if Kotomi Izumi had been born in the Warring States period and were a princess of a nation, then perhaps just a single weak microexpression she revealed unintentionally would be enough to make the warriors guarding her disregard their lives and willingly charge into battle for her, blood staining their long swords, using their blades solely to protect the princess.
When the battle dragged on until their strength was exhausted, the warrior holding a bloodstained sword would, before launching the final attack, reveal a weary yet proud smile and say:
"In the first half of my life, every swing of my blade was for my own sake. Now, my life is like a dying candle in the wind, and this final swing at the curtain's fall is wielded for Princess Kotomi. If it were my younger self, I would never have imagined that my last swing would be for someone else.
"The meaning of the sword is not only slaughter, but also protection.
"Master, I finally understand those words of yours."
Yukino Yukinoshita imagined such a scene for a moment. The warrior holding a long sword, his entire body bathed in blood, fighting until his strength was depleted yet still gripping the hilt tightly, battling the enemy to the very last moment, all to protect the princess.
It was stirring. It was tragic.
Then she could not help but imagine Kotomi Izumi dressed in a gorgeous princess kimono... Even though it was already deep into the night, Yukino Yukinoshita felt her heartbeat accelerate uncontrollably.
If this continued, the drowsiness was truly gone.
Yukino Yukinoshita hurriedly took a deep breath, planning to secretly take one more look at Kotomi before returning to her seat to sleep.
Taking a closer look, Yukino finally noticed that Kotomi Izumi slept rather restlessly, and the blanket was about to slip off.
The moment she thought about how Kotomi did not like wearing clothes while sleeping, a beautiful image instantly surfaced in Yukino Yukinoshita's mind.
This time, even her rationality failed to stop her. Or rather, before her rational mind could react, Yukino Yukinoshita had already deliberately taken several careful looks at Kotomi under the pretense of an accident...
Mm. She was wearing clothes.
"It's a good thing you didn't sleep without clothes today..." Yukino Yukinoshita said softly, the corner of her lips lifting into a helpless smile.
Not seeing the beautiful image that had just appeared in her mind left Yukino Yukinoshita feeling somewhat strange, as if she felt relieved because she did not see it, yet also disappointed because she did not.
These two completely different emotions were now tangled together, inseparable, producing all kinds of strange reactions.
To be honest, Yukino Yukinoshita, who was accustomed to wearing pajamas, had never really understood why Kotomi liked sleeping without clothes so much.
Was it really that comfortable?
Yukino Yukinoshita could not understand.
After a brief moment, Yukino Yukinoshita shook her head, stopping herself from indulging in wild thoughts. She reached out and pulled the blanket that was about to slip off, covering Kotomi again.
"Good night..."
Looking at Kotomi's sleeping face, Yukino Yukinoshita said softly. She did not want to only be able to secretly say good night to Kotomi while she slept like this. She wanted, openly and honestly, to lie on the same bed as Kotomi, say good night to her before sleeping, then share a sweet good-night kiss, wishing each other a good rest and looking forward to a good-morning kiss the next day.
Yukino Yukinoshita let out a bitter smile. She knew that these beautiful imaginings she had with Kotomi could never become reality.
Because Kotomi was Yui's girlfriend... she said to herself once again in her heart.
Just as Yukino Yukinoshita turned around, preparing to return to her seat and adjust it into a "bed" like Kotomi had done.
Kotomi Izumi suddenly opened her eyes, reached out, and tightly grabbed Yukino Yukinoshita's wrist!
Yukino Yukinoshita had just turned around and had not yet had time to react when Kotomi Izumi had already applied a bit of force, pulling Yukino over. With her other hand, she covered Yukino's mouth, not because anything had happened, but because Kotomi was worried that grabbing Yukino's wrist like this might make Yukino cry out in surprise.
Although there were only the three of them as passengers in the first-class cabin, there was also a female attendant who had already lost her fierce battle against drowsiness. It seemed that the black coffee the attendant had forced herself to drink, despite how awful it tasted, had not been very effective.
Of course, it was also possible that the black coffee had already done its best.
"Shh~ Don't be scared. When I take my hand away in a moment, you absolutely must not shout, okay?" Kotomi Izumi reminded her.
Yukino Yukinoshita nodded. When her wrist had been grabbed just now, she had been startled, but upon seeing that it was Kotomi, the heart that had suddenly flown up into the sky settled back down again.
It was just that Yukino Yukinoshita's cheeks felt a little warm. Since Kotomi had not actually been asleep just now, did that mean Kotomi knew everything Yukino had done and said earlier?
She hurriedly recalled it. Realizing that she had only helped Kotomi cover her with the blanket, remarked that Kotomi had at least known to wear clothes while sleeping today, and said good night to her, the anxiety hanging in Yukino Yukinoshita's heart finally eased. The shyness in her heart also lessened quite a bit. Thankfully, she had not, under the mistaken belief that Kotomi was asleep, said anything she should not have said or done anything she should not have done.
Otherwise, it really would not have been possible to explain things clearly now. She was not someone who was good at explaining herself to begin with.
After seeing Yukino Yukinoshita nod, Kotomi Izumi finally removed the hand covering her mouth bit by bit. After adjusting the heart that had been filled with surprise and shyness because of Kotomi suddenly grabbing her wrist, Yukino Yukinoshita spoke in her usual cold tone:
"Izumi-san really has such elegant tastes. It's already deep into the night, yet instead of holding the girl in your arms and going to sleep together, you pretended to be asleep until now just to suddenly scare me like this?"
"Are you angry?"
Kotomi Izumi gave a mischievous hehe~ and asked. Her small hand did not let go of Yukino Yukinoshita's wrist, but instead gently stroked it.
Every time after teasing Yukino, seeing Yukino speak with a cold face while flustered and embarrassed made Kotomi feel especially satisfied. The colder Yukino's expression was, the more she wanted to tease her.
"How boring... If there's nothing important, hurry up and go to sleep."
Yukino Yukinoshita muttered unhappily. She was not angry because Kotomi had suddenly grabbed her wrist and startled her.
Rather, if Yui were not here, being able to have this kind of intimate interaction with Kotomi, like a couple teasing each other, would actually make Yukino very happy. She did not know how to close the distance between herself and Kotomi, and could only hope that Kotomi would take the initiative.
As long as Kotomi took the initiative even a little, she would immediately follow along.
Yukino Yukinoshita was angry because the moment she thought about how, after finishing talking to her, Kotomi would go back to holding Yui and sleeping, the small flame in her heart would uncontrollably blaze up.
"I do have something to say. Of course I do. Actually, there is something I want to tell you..."
Kotomi Izumi deliberately did not finish this sentence. Instead, her small hand suddenly exerted force once again. Taking advantage of Yukino Yukinoshita not having time to react, she directly pulled Yukino onto the seat that, with the backrest lowered and the footrest raised, had become like a double bed.
Although it was called a double bed, because Kotomi, Yui, and Yukino were all quite slender, even with all three lying together, there was still plenty of space on the seat.
After successfully pulling Yukino Yukinoshita onto the seat, Kotomi Izumi decided to go all the way. She reached out and pulled Yukino into her arms, lying down together with her.
"W-What are you trying to do?!"
Yukino Yukinoshita's face flushed red. Her tone was shy, yet because Yui Yuigahama was sleeping soundly beside Kotomi, she had no choice but to lower her voice.
If Yui were woken up, there would be no way to explain things no matter what. What on earth was Kotomi thinking?! Yukino Yukinoshita thought in a panic.
Being held in Kotomi's arms like this was something Yukino had always longed for. She truly wished that this moment could last forever. Especially after hearing that Kotomi had something she wanted to say to her, Yukino felt her heartbeat accelerating nonstop. What did Kotomi want to say to her?
Could it be...
"Yukino, actually the one I like is you. Would you be willing to be my girlfriend?"
Such a long-awaited sentence appeared in Yukino Yukinoshita's mind, making her stop caring about anything else for the moment. She only wanted to snuggle in Kotomi's arms and wait for Kotomi to continue speaking. After hearing Kotomi's confession to her, Yukino was prepared, amid her shy feelings, to offer her precious first kiss to Kotomi and share an awkward yet long kiss with her.
However, upon seeing Yui sleeping soundly beside Kotomi, Yukino wanted to escape again. No matter how jealous she was of Yui Yuigahama, she did not want to destroy the love between Kotomi and Yui.
—Since I cannot obtain it, and since I cannot sincerely bless them, then I will just pretend that I know nothing.
Whenever Yukino Yukinoshita thought this in her heart, it was as if the questioning voice of "Little Yukino" would sound within her: Are you really willing to accept this?
Accept it?
How could she possibly accept it!
But if she could not accept it, what could she do? Snatch Kotomi away from Yui and become a third party in their relationship?
Yukino Yukinoshita hesitated in her heart, not knowing whether she should choose to move forward or choose to retreat.
However, judging from the fact that Yukino Yukinoshita was currently letting Kotomi hold her and was anticipating what Kotomi would say next, it was not difficult to see whether it was "moving forward" or "retreating". Perhaps Yukino had already made a choice deep in her heart.
It was just that Yukino Yukinoshita herself had not yet realized it.
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