As she came to this realization, Alyse couldn't help but ponder Roselia's lingering gazes or gentle embraces more intently. She wondered, was Roselia thinking of her, as she thought of Roselia? With time, Alyse began to suspect that her feelings were reciprocated. Though she longed to know for sure, fear of rejection kept her heart at bay.
Late one evening, following an afternoon of light swordplay, the two were enjoying some sweet bread near the Egris River's edge as the sun set. In one moment, Alyse had looked over to see the fading sunlight filtering through Roselia's light brown hair, as she wore a dazzling smile, and Alyse felt a sudden urge to express her feelings. Propelled by the unexpected wave of emotion, she'd kissed Roselia without thought or warning.
As soon as their lips met, and her heart's desires were laid bare, a warm feeling washed over Alyse. Though it only lasted a moment, that kiss felt to Alyse like it contained years of bliss. Sadly, it was ended as abruptly as it began by a startled Roselia.
As the space between them was reestablished, and their gazes finally met again, Alyse's heart sank at the sight of an uncomfortable Roselia – it was then clear that Alyse's affections were unrequited. Though Alyse apologized profusely, and Roselia insisted that she was not upset, that moment of misunderstanding damaged their relationship in a manner that proved too significant to move past.
They continued making plans together, pretending that evening had never happened, but an uncomfortable separation lingered over them. The frequency of Roselia's requests to spend time together declined, until they all but stopped seeing one another. Eventually, Roselia moved away from Wellick, and Alyse felt her first heartbreak. The two never saw one another again.
Over the next several centuries, numerous women captured her heart, and there were even some whose hearts she captured in return. During this time, Alyse continued working alongside her mother to prepare for her role as the next family matriarch, and they only grew closer as a result. To this day, Alyse recognizes those years as the happiest ones of her life. Alas, they weren't destined to last.
When Alyse had lived around a millennium, her mother inquired about her string of female lovers. Evelyn was surprised that Alyse's romantic interest in women had persisted, if not grown, through the centuries since their first talk. It was clear that her daughter hadn't taken after her.
Finding it hard to relate, Evelyn asked Alyse how her experiences with women compared to those with men, hoping to better understand where they'd diverged. Naturally, a confused Alyse simply reiterated that she had zero romantic interest in men and had only been with women.
Realizing her daughter's situation for the first time, and feeling the beginnings of apprehension over it, Evelyn struggled with how to respond. She didn't care that Alyse loved women, and under other circumstances she would not have cared if Alyse was only interested in women.
Unfortunately, Alyse was to be the next matriarch, and one of her responsibilities would be to produce an heir – Evelyn knew the family wouldn't accept a refusal of that task. Thus, if Alyse truly had no interest in men, Evelyn could only see two outcomes. Either the family would push men on Evelyn's beloved daughter until a proper heir was born, or the prodigious child Evelyn had such pride in and hope for would be removed as matriarch.
Perhaps because she hoped that Alyse may change her mind in the coming millennia, or because she wasn't ready to face the implications otherwise, Evelyn decided to forego raising any concerns about Alyse's situation at that time. Instead, she simply encouraged Alyse to 'give men a try'.
While Evelyn felt that she handled the situation well, without expressing alarm prematurely, her true feelings were not lost on Alyse. Alyse could see the concern and surprise in her mother's eyes, and she could sense the denial implicit in her mother's encouragement to 'try' men.
For the first time, Alyse felt that her mother had rejected her. The one person she truly admired, whose approval she desired more than anyone else's, wanted her to change who she was. As the realization set in, her heartbreak manifested as a physical pain in her chest. The mother and daughter concluded their discussion with those thoughts left unsaid, and that remained the case for many centuries after.
As the years dragged on, Alyse noticed all the small remarks her mother made about her and men, which seemed to increase in frequency as time passed. In turn, Evelyn noticed her daughter's increasing unhappiness when she did so, and her chest felt heavy with sadness at the sight and the realization of what it meant for Alyse's future.
Eventually, Alyse's romantic focus on women was noticed by the other family members as well, and it became the subject of a larger discussion during a routine meeting of the Prima. As expected, they were not accepting of her situation.
At first, the Primas' questions were just skeptical. What did she mean she has 'no interest in men'? Had she ever had a male partner? How could she be sure what she liked if she hadn't?
Truthfully, that line of reasoning grated on Alyse's nerves, though she did her best to hide it and answer their questions politely. However, when her persistent answers did not dissuade their apparent denial or pressing questions, Alyse's frustration continued to build until her composure slipped.
Alyse asked one of the male Prima questioning her if he'd ever taken other men into his bed to 'test' if he was truly disinterested. The Prima's surprised faces told her everything she needed to know, and a stunned silence had fallen over the meeting.
Alyse had felt satisfaction at getting her point across initially, but that was quickly replaced by guilt when she saw the pained expression of her mother. Before she had a chance to try and remedy the discomfort, however, one of the female Prima tried to redirect the conversation constructively.
Unlike the others, she acknowledged that Alyse 'preferred' women, but she interrogated Alyse about what this meant for the future. How would she produce an heir? If she didn't, how did she expect to be accepted as matriarch if she was knowingly condemning the line of succession?
Alyse was sobered by the questions – they'd been on her mind frequently for the past millennium. She felt sure, based on her mother's various comments over the past few centuries about her romantic preferences, that her mother would be disappointed. Still, Alyse knew that she couldn't afford to be dishonest – those problems wouldn't disappear if she lied. So, she plainly told the Prima that she wouldn't produce an heir, and she'd accept the family's decision if that meant she couldn't be the next matriarch.
Naturally, the Prima were not fans of Alyse's declaration. After all, she was Evelyn's only child left alive – the others born before her were regular elves whose lives had already run their natural course. In fact, a few of the current Prima were their descendants. So, the Prima posed the question…if Alyse did not plan to become matriarch, who did she think would?
Alyse had no answer. How could she? She simply shrugged at the Prima and said that she had no idea. She reiterated that she'd happily take on the role of matriarch if the family willed it, but she could no more produce an heir on request than the Prima could take an elf of the same sex into their beds for decades on end just because they were asked.
Following her crass remark, the room fell painfully silent. In this time, Alyse noticed that her mother had been uncharacteristically quiet, and she looked over to see her mother staring at her with an expression full of sadness. Catching Alyse's gaze, Evelyn spoke words that still occupy Alyse's thoughts to this day.
"Alyse…dear…you'd truly remove yourself from the succession to avoid producing an heir?"
Alyse grimaced upon hearing that. It wasn't an exact synopsis of her feelings, but she knew what her mother meant. Was she so opposed to being with a man that, if she was forced to, she'd abandon all their prior investment to prepare Alyse for becoming matriarch?
Afraid that her voice might have broken if she said so out loud, Alyse merely nodded apologetically in response to her mother's question. Evelyn's face contorted in anguish and disappointment at the admission, and Alyse instinctively averted her gaze as her heart sank.
As she'd steeled herself for her mother's imploring follow-up, and looked back to her, she was surprised to see Evelyn smiling sadly. Instead of pressing Alyse with more questions, Evelyn merely nodded with resignation and turned her attention to the Prima. Alyse was left speechless by her mother's unexpected acceptance.
Unbeknownst to Alyse, Evelyn had given such an eventuality much thought in the centuries since their last major mother-daughter discussion on the subject. Though it was a painful decision to make, she'd already resolved herself to a certain course of action. So, her next words contained no hint of admonishment.
"Very well. Then I'll have another child that can take Alyse's place as heir if that becomes necessary."
At that time, Evelyn was over two-thirds of the way through her expected lifespan. While high elves retain youth and excellent health until the last few years of their lives, their fertility still drops in their final millennia. It's uncommon for high elves to bear children at all after they're eight millennia old. Even when they're younger, it takes them decades to centuries to become pregnant.
To compound these issues, Evelyn had been particularly unfortunate in producing an heir. Normally, a high elf would have a comparable mix of elf and high elf offspring, but Evelyn's first three children before Alyse were all regular elves. It seemed impossible to others that she could give birth to another female high elf.
Finally, while the Egris's customs at the time technically allowed for heirs that weren't the eldest of high elf daughters, it had never been put into practice. So, even if Evelyn could produce a replacement heir, such a change in succession had radical undertones by the Egris's standards.
For all these reasons, Evelyn's proposal solicited shock and resistance from the Prima. As they did their best to respectfully express these concerns to Evelyn, Alyse could only stare at her mother as conflicting feelings welled inside her in sequence.
First, she felt sadness and shame. She wondered how disappointing and useless she must seem for her mother to replace her as successor so readily. However, this was only Alyse's instinctive reaction to Evelyn's words.
After a moment of rational reflection, she realized that her mother was still trying to be supportive, like she had the first time Alyse expressed an interest in women. This was just the only way Evelyn knew how to do that while fulfilling her obligations as matriarch of the Egris family.
Relief washed over Alyse in tandem with this realization, and she felt intense gratitude and admiration towards her mother. However, that emotional reprieve was short-lived. As Alyse watched the Prima interrogate her mother about the 'Alyse issue', thought about Evelyn experiencing late-life pregnancies, and realized these hardships were all to protect her, she felt another emotion dwarf those before – guilt.
Alyse wondered…could she really stomach burdening her mother this way? Evelyn had been abnormally devoted to her daughter, and Alyse wanted to reciprocate that love. However, she also knew that she couldn't take male partners with the frequency required for her to produce an heir.
Alyse was at a loss for what to do, and her self-loathing rose to crippling levels. She couldn't help but think – if she'd just been born different, her whole life could have been as blissful as those early centuries. She'd have never burdened her mother so much. This was the first time that she ever truly hated herself; the first time she wished that she could change who she was.