"Nina, what do you think?" (Mizuki)
Nina smiles apologetically towards me.
"Truthfully, Mizuki, I would support you no matter what. If you want to be yourself, I'll help you try and assuage their fears and protect those you care about. If you instead want to keep up this charade, I'm happy to be a part of your schemes. However, there is one thing…a question I'd like to ask you." (Nina)
Nina is looking at me with a mix of curiosity and…guilt? Apprehension? I can't quite place the other emotion.
"Of course, you can ask me anything." (Mizuki)
"Well…what do you want? What goals have driven your actions? I'm realizing...I don't know. If I were asked what my mate's deepest desire is, I'd be at a loss. I'm too ignorant about your motivations to give you advice." (Nina)
I can't hide the shock from my face…where did that come from? That's an unusually philosophical question for Nina. Still, her words echo in my head…what I want.
There aren't many limitations on me in this world – I'm free to do pretty much anything. So, what do I want? What's my purpose? I've been so busy since I came here that I haven't really given that much thought…I've just done what felt right in the moment.
I'm not sure what my purpose here may be, and in all honesty, I think that was the case on Earth, too. I guess that I've always felt driven by day-to-day curiosity, making reactive decisions. That's even why I studied physics – I had no grand ambition, I just enjoyed passing my time solving life's little puzzles.
Though I wasn't aware of it at the time, I've begun to suspect that I wasn't very happy on Earth. More accurately, I can't remember a time when I'd felt fundamentally fulfilled. That said, I can't say that I know why I felt that way.
I enjoyed my studies, and even though I was a virgin, it wasn't like I lacked success with women. I always had a few friends, too, and I spent plenty of time with them. If you'd asked me, in any moment together, whether I was enjoying my time with those people, I know the answer would have been yes. Sure, my parents were annoying weebs, but it's not like I hated them either.
All my individual actions made me happy, so why wasn't I fulfilled? I certainly feel fulfilled in my new life…what's the difference? As I reflect on the changes that took place around my transplantation from Earth to Azura, I'm startled by a realization – my life was…empty…on Earth.
In retrospect, I didn't have any strong career goals, and every relationship I'd had was shallow at best and completely hollow at worst. Sure, I enjoyed my friends and girlfriends in the moments we were together, but it's fair to say that I wouldn't have experienced any special sensation of loss if they went away. They were basically just acquaintances that I saw more often.
Even my relationship with my parents was superficial. My mom was an astoundingly unsuccessful writer, my father an unrecognized artist, and both were delusional enough to name me like this. Obviously, I'm more science oriented, and I'm appalled by that parenting decision, so it's not hard to admit that we never really related to one another.
But it went deeper than that. They always seemed more interested in their own jobs – or hobbies, given how little money it made them – than being parents. They never really attempted to find common ground with me, other than trying to get me interested in their art or writing. To be fair, I can't say I was much better on that front – I didn't really crave their company, so I didn't try and entice them to offer it.
Still, it felt like them having and raising me was an attempt to create something they could be invested in, and when I wasn't as interesting as they'd hoped, they just cut their losses, took care of my most basic needs, and focused on what did interest them. So, while I don't hold a grudge, I never really cared about having them in my life, nor did I think I was that important to them.
All that's to say – after I died from that bus, it never crossed my mind that my death was consequential to anyone else. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that nothing in my past life was meaningful. To me or anyone else. Why am I just now noticing that?
It's actually quite alarming, compared to my life now. If any of the people I consider friends on Azura were to die, or even just stop spending time with me, I know it would be crushing. Why am I so much more invested in these relationships?
I think the difference is – I really feel like I'm a critical part of their lives. If Alto's rage at me the other day is any indication, having me around is important to them. Don't get me wrong, I also enjoy their company, but that was true of my Earth friends, too. It's safe to say that I treasure my friends on Azura so especially because they make me feel like my existence is consequential.
I have to say...that's a little ironic given how much I've preached about valuing non-interference in this world's affairs. Wouldn't adhering to that principle be the epitome of an inconsequential existence? That's in direct contradiction to what seems to give me fulfillment in my relationships. What am I supposed to make of that? What do I actually want?
Nina asked what has motivated my decisions so far. Reflecting on them now…maybe it all boils down to valuing autonomy. Living life on one's own terms. At a glance, that can seem very similar to non-interference, I suppose. I avoid inserting myself into certain situations, or overexerting my will through force, out of fear that I'll deprive others of the influence over their own lives.
Similarly, all the times I've violated a policy of non-interference have been to punish people who were trampling on others' autonomy. I killed Kent and his group because they would rob me and others of their very lives, and I killed the slavers and Belmod because they'd rob them of their freedom.
Hell, if I'm being honest with myself, autonomy might be the only thing I value. I'm getting ready to risk war with a superpower, and murder an entire power structure, if necessary, just to free slaves. I don't mind killing people at all, and I practically tortured Belmod. I was downright vengeful when he couldn't be dissuaded from depriving my friends of their lives or freedom. I even slaughtered his guards without remorse.
I said it was because they were complicit in trying to harm my friends. That was true to a degree, but it's not like the guards were going to directly participate. They were just trying to keep me from physically harming their ruler, to uphold the system of law they'd sworn to protect. They might have otherwise condemned Belmod. If I'd really wanted to, it would have been easy to just immobilize and incapacitate them.
So, why didn't I? More importantly, why am I still not actually bothered that I didn't, even knowing this? I guess it's simple...I only cared about their choices. So long as I gave them some semblance of control, a way to save their lives through their choices, I felt my moral obligations were satisfied. It didn't matter to me that I knew they'd never take my threat seriously, so long as I voiced their options and let them choose.
I can't help but wonder…what does that mean for my answer to Nina's question? What do I want? I guess…I enjoy being able to freely pursue whatever curiosities or interests arise for me. I also have a strong urge to protect that autonomy for others that I learn of. I find it fulfilling when my friends use that autonomy to do what makes them happy, and when they value my role in supporting those opportunities.
Yes, I think that's it. That's all that really matters to me. Everything else is just a symptom or a leftover ethical imperative from my upbringing on Earth. So long as I do that…killing, lying, theft, fraud…none of it's going to faze me. Honestly, I'm not sure if you can even call that a moral compass.
I feel a shiver run up my spine at the realization. How close am I, at any given moment, to truly being a monster? If I felt like they deserved it, would I murder an entire city? A country? A race of people? I don't know…maybe I don't want to know. Either way, the possibility terrifies me.
I'm jolted from my thoughts by a sudden pressure around my body and a familiar earthy scent. Refocusing on my surroundings, I notice Nina hugging me. I sense strong anxiety and guilt from her.
I just stand there without moving, staring back at her in bewilderment. Catching my gaze, she relaxes her hug and gives me a pained expression.
"Mizuki…I'm sorry. I didn't realize how neglectful I was being as a mate. I swear I care about you. I'm just not used to having another person to think about. Please don't be upset with me." (Nina)
What in the hell is she talking about…how could she possibly think that I'm upset with her? I guess I got lost in my own thoughts for a while there, but I didn't think that I was acting negatively towards her. I give Nina a truly stupefied expression.
"Nina, you're a wonderful mate, one who does make me happy, and I've never doubted that you care about me. I'm in no way upset with you, so why would you think otherwise?" (Mizuki)
"Well, I just told you that I don't even know what you want out of life. After I did, I could sense fear and confusion from you while you stared off silently." (Nina)
Ahhh...great…I made her feel like she's the bad person here. I really need to get my act together.
"I'm sorry, Nina, that's just a misunderstanding. I was…troubled…by the question itself, not the fact that you asked it. It made me realize that I'm not a very good person. That's the source of any negative emotions you felt…confronting my own nature scared me." (Mizuki)
This time, Alto gives me an incredulous look.
"What motivations for your decisions so far could have possibly been so terrible? You've mostly reacted to other people, and your actions only seem to help those in need and harm those that would oppress. At least, that's what I've seen." (Alto)
Nina and Alto stare at me expectantly following the question. Should I tell them the truth? Nina hasn't exactly demonstrated a respect for other creatures' lives, but Alto...I can't imagine her viewing me as anything less than a monster if she learned what I've just realized myself. It hurts her when she takes a life, even if they were a monster themselves. She's a good person, she's not like me.
I nod to Alto hesitantly.
"I suppose…I'm just concerned about all the carnage surrounding my actions. I haven't hesitated to kill people, and I'm not exactly losing any sleep over it either." (Mizuki)
"You didn't have a choice, Mizuki. You've only ever done it to protect us or others, and it's rarely your first solution. Especially with Belmod and his guards, you gave them every possible opportunity to avoid violence. You're not going to convince me that you're a bad person, Mizuki, and I'm not going to let you convince yourself either." (Alto)
"Fufufu…I must agree with Alto. If anything, you've been too lenient on those that wished you harm so far. You have far more sympathy for them than you're obligated to." (Nina)
Nina and Alto both stare at me seriously following their reassurances. So, that's what they think, huh? I can't say that I agree, but I don't think this is the time or place to have a philosophical debate with them. More importantly…I'm not sure that I want to convince them otherwise.
I force a smile to my face and nod agreeably.
"Maybe you're right, sorry. Thanks, both of you. In any case, Nina, I guess the answer to your question is...my goal is for myself and all my friends to be able live on our own terms, freely pursuing whatever makes us happy. With that in mind, what's your advice about revealing myself?" (Mizuki)
Nina smiles softly.
"Fufufu…then it doesn't matter whether you tell the nobles about your abilities or not. You've already made me happy, and I know Ilina, Alto, Zara, and even Alara feel the same way." (Nina)
Following Nina's comments, Alto just nods her agreement towards me with a serious expression.
I sigh in exasperation at them both. It's not like that actually helps me decide what to tell the nobles. Still, glad they feel that way. They trust me entirely too much, but...it's heartwarming. I just hope I don't turn out to be the monster that I think I am. I'd rather be the person Alto sees me as.
I give the two of them an appreciative smile.
"Well, I think you both have way too much faith in me, but I appreciate your council, nonetheless. How about I finish up this MMC, and as thanks, we can spend the rest of our visit here doing whatever exploring you two want?" (Mizuki)
Nina gives me a blistering smile, and Alto just smirks.
"Oooh, yes! Cara has bragged about how nice her restaurants are – I would like to judge for myself!" (Nina)
"Well, now that I know how happy it will make you to cater to my whims, and being the magnanimous woman that I am, I guess I could agree to that." (Alto)
I involuntarily roll my eyes at Alto, but inside I'm suppressing a smile.