Dearest reader, I suspect you did read the title of this chapter twice. Did your brows raise too?
If it did, welcome to the prelude of season five, you silly sons-of-bitches!
For this opening into a brand new Volume of the Conquest, 'cucumber finds jelly hole' sounds about right. Yeah? You perv! Hahaha!
As always I remain your grateful, gifted, gothic, gory—and giant-penis'd narrator. . .Staplehead.
What? I'd like to see you string up five G's without putting in something girthy. See, I just did it again, MOTHERFUCKERS! I'm kidding. I love you all. Whoeeee! Y'all should've gotten used to my foul mouth by now, you amazing. . .squirt-catchers! Ha! Got you again!
[Big Demon Smile]
Hahahahaha!!!
Oh my. . .Devil! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I really am. And I love you all. I just; I haven't laughed this hard since Lucifer dropped a stink brownie on that red giantess's oily face. Whew! Was that a big Whopper! That muscular bitch was scat-crazy. Maybe I'll tell you all the 'messy' story of the golden showers one day. Hah! Ohh, for those still struggling with the grasp, he shit in her mouth. Yeah.
—don't make them ban me twice on here.
PLEASE IT'S ALL JOKES! ALL JOKES!
[serious demon face]
But it DID happen! You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
AGAIN, THIS IS COMEDY.
If you ain't laughing, then. . . maybe someone needs to take one in your mouth. BOOM! I said it. I-I said it. Ha! Sorry. I'm so sorry. Gaaaahhhd! Hehehehe! Forgive me. But you can't blame me. I am a devil—with an axe blade for a head. Blame the genes! I mean the places this mouth has been on you cannot imagine. Seriously, you can't. While we're on the topic of 'places my mouth has been on', Bisrah is still around. Yeah!
Thank you...er ...those of you clapping. Or finger-snapping or whatever.
It IS the longest I've been with one chick. An entire season. WHAT??? ME! The biggest horn-dog of Hel. But Bisrah is really cool. Yeah, she is. I mean she having those Iranian curves helps. When doesn't it, you know? But I like her. And it works, so. . . yeah. What are you doing? Don't hold out for more. This isn't therapy – or that weird cult circle in Des Trata. That's all you're gonna get. I still like her blowjobs—surprise! But I do. I'm a mouth-hopping addict no more. Hmm. There should be AA meetings for that. . . rehabilitated whores. Then I guess it'll be called WA—Whore Anonymous. Imagine the stories, huh? Blow your mind, not your dick!
Sorry, I just had to.
[big demon smile]
Anyway, Bisrah is now working at the Magistrate's office here in Titans Landing undercity; I was pretty impressed when she came back with the employee seal as Secretary, and not Stripper, you know. I mean that ass got talent. Come on now!
I, well I am a Bookkeeper. If you think that's cool, you should see a Librarian. They're the shiiit! I WAS THE SHIT. But season 2 happened—uh, if you don't get it you're dumb. As I was saying, a bookkeeper is like dog piss up here. A Librarian is Royal tea. Like our provocative MC, I hope to level up, thank you. So it is with full gratitude on your past support, dearest reader—and the fancy pen I stole off Bisrah's purse, that I write to you, of the beginning of novel and certainly daring adventures of our beautiful and fiery Apollyon in this fresh season of ships, seas, and sexy, sexy First-mates.
Dearest reader, I usher to your eager eyes SEASON FIVE: Liquid Lies.
In this season, our MC shall be bagging fresh hotties to compensate his loss in the concubine department, and knowing what Corazón Mortimer and Aya Naamah looked like, you can be sure that this new chosen ones for 'His Eminence' will be supernovas. Of course there'll be MELONS and EXOTICA—a special blend of 'exotic erotica' coined by yours truly—and HENTAI and GOTH GIRLS and BADDIES; something in it for everybody. Guaranteed, this shall not obfuscate the other scenes of battle, splendor, and epic fantasy—uh, which shall mostly involve huge gold heists, island fiascos, crooked pirates—and totally awesome sex. And. . .you can breathe now.
Hehehehe!
This is the ranking of threat levels in this season of LIQUID LIES:
[MONSTER CLASS – Minor [D Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Scorpio | SEAL: Black Scorpus]
[MONSTER CLASS – Minor [C Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Libra | SEAL: Green Lizard]
[MONSTER CLASS – Major [C Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Ganesh | SEAL: Blue Elephant]
[MONSTER CLASS – Major [B Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Eve | SEAL: Silver Mermaid]
[MONSTER CLASS – Major [B Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Olokún | SEAL: White Whale]
[MONSTER CLASS – Beast [A Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Cancer | SEAL: Yellow Crab]
[MONSTER CLASS – Beast [A Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Ramak | SEAL: The Shark]
[MONSTER CLASS – Grand [A Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Aquarius | SEAL: Purple Seahorse]
[MONSTER CLASS – Beast [S Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Kala | SEAL: Kala Domoni]
[MONSTER CLASS – Divine [S Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Ashanti | SEAL: Diamond Siren]
[MONSTER CLASS – Divine [S Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Virgo | SEAL: Golden Eucalyptus]
[MONSTER CLASS – Divine [S Rank] | PATRON SAINT: Neptune | SEAL: The Iron Bull]
[MONSTER CLASS – Utopia [S Rank] PATRON SAINT: Odin | SEAL: Kraken Head]
Each monster that shall be appearing in the glorious pages shall be known by their SEAL, which in a way is their curse, I guess. Thank fuck that's the last of these watery beasts; these bastards can't just assemble under one banner like us? Demons? I mean, we're the most ruthless bloody pricks in heav'n, earth, and beneath, and we ride for the Morningstar. They've got what. . .Virgo, Ashanti and some shit. If you ask me it is pretty reaching for a bunch of fish.
—just saying.
And now that I've disciplined 'meself'—get ready for a lot of this, for pirates have tongues more barbarous than the coat of a wild pig—enough to journal, I think it's time for some cucumber in jelly hole. Hehehehe! What are you thinking?
I'm just going to get dinner—with Bisrah. If I'm lucky, I'll get to put my cucumber in her jelly hole.
Aww, shucks! I did it. Didn't I?
[very big demon smile]
Are you expecting some apology, like you didn't like it? Mmhmm. Nonetheless, thank you all so much for supporting this continued tale. See you in the flipping pages. And now, seriously, I'm going to get my dick wet.