I replaced god with my grandfathers name like I was from Fortuna, though I suppose I could be forgiven when I look like this.
Bags so deep that I'm practically Sanctus on his deathbed.
'I look like shit.'
Though I suppose that's to be expected when you wake up from a dream via death…
I turned, walking up to the door and letting my forehead rest against the cold wood. Hand hovering just over the handle.
*Knock-Knock-Knock*
"Cannella, you okay in there?"
Jaune… The guy's actually improved a bunch since I got his ass into gear.
Pyrrha definitely helped, though.
"I'm fine."
The door opened, and I stepped out, thankfully not directly into him, as he had the sense to step to the side with his arms crossed.
"You're not." I looked him up and down, seeing the pounds of muscle he had started to pack on after the numerous things Pyrrha made him do. "Cannella. You've spent the past 3 days waking us up, you're clearly not."
It's not like I wanted this to happen, I didn't want to wake up with a shout every time I fell asleep. "I'm fine." I know I'm not, but it's not really something I want to burden them with. "I'll get over it. Just need a bit." I was going to leave the room, but instead was stopped dead in my tracks from the semicircle of chairs.
Pyrrha made eye contact with me first. "Please, sit." I turned away, walking towards the door-
The ink on my right arm surged almost painfully, moving down my body and into reality. "Really, Gintarou?" My feet were trapped in the iron grip of his ink, pulling me back towards the chair. I almost fell backwards after being thrown into the chair with a growl.
"I don't need this." I need to have this
Ren stood up, pulling a moveable table to the centre of the chairs, while I glared at the rolling ink that ignored my commands to stop pushing me back into the damn chair of intervention.
"Cannella, you know you can talk to us, right?" Pyrrha spoke up first. "No matter what it is, we're a team, and teammates help each other. We're all here for you." She looked to the others, getting nods, though her eyes lingered on Jaune longer.
"I'm not okay, but I'm fine. I just need a little time to balance out and work through my issues." Most surprisingly, Nora was sitting with her hands in her lap, not her normal excitable self. "And I know I'm a bit behind on my studies from this, but I just have to work through my issues." It's not a problem if I ignore, it's out of mind, out of sight. And I don't have to worry or remember the pain of my heart feeling like it's going to implode.
I don't have to remember my guts feeling like they were rupturing from the force of the that Parasite's blow, I don't have to remember the- "CANNELLA!"
Oh… Why's my face wet?
"sorry."
I could feel their gazes on me, even as they crowd'd around me on this chair.
I don't even know what I'd doing… I've just- I've just played to what I felt was right, and took the path of least resistances instead of truly living… Haven't I?
Now that I think about it, in the roughly three months I've been here, I've barely talked with my team. I've barely kept up with any studies, instead preferring to pester other people and just trying to gather as much power as I could… And for what? A distant death world borne from the question of how cool we could make fight scenes?
…
Their words washed over me like water off a duck's feather, and I felt… Suffocated. Like my head was under the water as the near death I encountered not long ago kept replaying in my mind.
That wasn't even a fight, I was getting rag dolled and as soon as I made any ground, that fuck pulled out DT and I can't even pop my own…
"I don't even know what I'm doing in life, to be honest." The rolling black inky stopped pooling around my feet, instead choosing to climb back up my lag and settled on my skin again.
I looked up to the worried faces, and it truly clicked to me… How much I had brushed them off in fear of the unknown.
Every time they asked me to do anything with them, I declined, running away without even realizing it.
"Sorry, I haven't really been a teammate." My chest felt a little lighter. "I've been pretty homesick, and I don't even know how to get back there." Though that brought another question, was there less of me, the person who was here before Cannella? "I keep dreaming of it every night, and what happened when I had to leave class early…" What about this Cannella from before? Was she entirely fabricated for me?
Was she a real person I was merged with? What will be left of us later down the road, will I be subsumed?
Or will we rise anew, neither John nor Cannella.
And take our steps out in this world that was once fictional but is now oh so painfully very real?
"It's okay to be Homesick." Our resident Paladin gave me a hesitant smile, crouching down to be more on my level. "It's okay, to not be okay or fine." Pyrrha placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "We're a team." Ren spoke over Nora's shoulder as she grabbed my hands in hers.
"And a Team is a family."
…
I really want to run away from these feelings, to not actually feel anything but play into the fictional ideal I have about who I should be.
I want to retreat to Alphonse and just be dumped somewhere with a purpose, a mission in mind.
But maybe, I just need to learn how not have to have some grand over arching purpose…
"You should just kiss Ren, by the way." Nora jumped up, waving her hands back and forth, talking a mile a minute and… I laughed.
My threw my head back and laughed long and hard, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"Hahhhh, Nora, you should've seen your face."
This was the first time I truly laughed, the first time I truly smiled.
"Feeling better?" Jaune stood up, hand resting on the other shoulder.
"Umu~ Yeah, thanks." I looked at my current outfit, something that was given to me, but honestly wasn't really… Me. "I really needed this, I'm glad I have you all as family." I looked back and forth, getting smiles in return."I think we all could use something to eat." We all stood up, grabbing our chairs and moving to the kitchen.
The setting sun filtered in through the windows and I just enjoyed the conversations happening around me as Ren doned his 'Please don't do anything to the Cook' apron and set to work cooking.
I even started to jump in a little, add my own inputs here and there.
It's not a lot, but it's a start.
And really, it's that little bit I do that will help more in the long run.
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"Cease."
Luckily for me, Alphonse was in a listening mood as I entered the shop.
"Just… Listen, okay?"
He nodded and I took a moment to breathe. I have no doubt that he's been watching and knows, but I still have to voice this out, even if it doesn't need to be, I want to say it out loud to his face.
"I want my independence." I tapped the counter, pulling an ipad from it's docking station and turning it on to see the shop screen. "I don't want to be your plaything forever, I was resigned to just accepting it and moving on." My eyes roamed through as I flicked through page after page, searching for what I wanted.
"But if I did that, I wouldn't be me, and I want to be me." The words didn't make a lot of sense to me, but they were what came out as I found what I was looking for. "And to do that, I need to take some control… I can't just coast around using Family shit." I could just feel his shit eating grin as I moved through the sub options until I settled on what I wanted.
A nice red and black bustier mixed with a shirt that left the top of my torso open.
Added on a neat deep navy blue over-coat that cut off at the ankles.
Dark slacks that left enough room to not cinch into the backs of my knees and cause pain and wouldn't force my underwire to ride up uncomfortably.
Next came the steps and holsters, two for my legs to hold a pair of pistols and, a couple to keep my pants from flaring out too much and a pair of deep black Calf high platform boots that would maybe give me an inch in height,
"I want to trade in my new Devil Arm, my old clothes, Rebellion and Ebony & Ivory." I handed him the ipad, watching him hum as he went about doing something to it. I had kept track of the prices for everything I wanted, and if I was going to get a new start…
A new outfit really didn't seem like that bad of a launch pad.
"Alright~ This is doable, like Dante normally would sell the extra devil arms off cash…" He paused a bit, eyes squinting, most likely at the finale detail. "You're sure you want that?" I nodded.
"Every one has an Emblem, I figured it would only be right to have one of my own." I honestly couldn't come up with an emblem on my own, but I wanted something to pay homage to my lineage and family but still feel like something I could wear on my hip.
He looked it up and down, taping a bit before turning the thing around to show myself T-Posing with the outfit applied. "I have to say, you have nice tase." I noticed that he added steel toes to my boots, something I greatly appreciated.
With mirth in my eyes, I looked back up to that small smug grin.
"Thanks, I quite enjoy the way it looks."
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I came back to reality, looking over at my team asleep.
I quickly grabbed a post-it, scribbling that I would be away for a bit, and quietly exited the room. The light from the moon filtered in, and I started walking through the corridors with what felt like a weight off my shoulders.
I just had to make my way over to the mail office and pick up the waiting package for me.