Hentai Shinobi Rule 60: Every crush not fucked is a missed opportunity!
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"Let go of me!" Tsunade struggled against her teammates, who clamped onto one arm each and stopped her from rushing out of the tower. While Jiraiya and Orochimaru boasted the refined techniques to wipe the floor with Tsunade in beneficial scenarios, none entirely possessed the terrifying physical strength coursing through her surprisingly slim body she inherited from her grandparents' lineage.
"Let me go, or I'm going to beat the shit out of you two assholes!" Tsunade threatened, unable to sit still the second she saw the bound Kushina and Mikoto. Their terrified expressions were all she needed to kick into action.
"Calm down, Tsunade!" Jiraiya barked. "It was their choice!"
"What?" Tsunade momentarily paused before her amber hues flickered with hellish fury. "You two got to them, didn't you?!"
"We asked them and explained everything," Orochimaru slowly let go of the blonde's arm. "It was Sakumo's idea, sure. However, the girls did not shy away from being part of Kai-Kun's promotion exam. They understand the risk, Tsunade. And between us, I don't think Kai-Kun is the type to leave them in harm's way—"
Kai disappeared and left the duo with Sakumo at this point, leaving Orochimaru speechless.
Tsunade suddenly questioned sternly. "What did you mean by explaining things to the girls?"
"Uh… worst scenario…" Jiraiya muttered, still looking blankly at the screen. He could have bet his entire life saving on Kai taking the manlier route and saving the damsels and distress… only to lose it.
"Then…"
Tsunade paled.
<<<>>>
An intense silence blanketed the room occupied by the higher-ups as one did not need to be an experienced sensor to sense the surprisingly bottomless blaze in Mito's chest. However, her narrow-eyed, indifferent glance betrayed nothing but gentle curiosity.
"Did you plan such a test, Saru?" She'd all but torn away the veil of respect she offered the kid. Meanwhile, Hiruzen also appeared displeased—not with Mito's mention of his nickname. Rikudo, no! Hiruzen hadn't felt accomplished enough to believe he earned any right to berate someone who could unleash a nuke on the village. Not that she would. But Hiruzen found it wiser to not test the redheads from the Uzumaki Clan. Life was always simpler and cheerful that way.
"I allowed Sakumo to devise the exam at his discretion," Hiruzen confessed, but he was unwilling to throw one of his best under the bus. "I trust his judgment."
But trust did little to appease his distaste. Hiruzen did not enjoy the thought of children suffering.
"Well," Danzo cleared his throat. "It's Sakumo… so I doubt he'd kidnap Mikoto Uchiha and Kushina Uzumaki knowing their heritages. It's possible he directly asked them to participate in the exam."
"They are kids…" Hiruzen protested, knowing well what would occur should Kai indeed prove to be the cold and unfeeling Shinobi the Konoha's administration desired.
"Respectfully, Lord Third," one of the twins behind Hebi suddenly rebutted indifferently. "They are Genins, not children."
Ordinarily, Hiruzen would have words to guide the youth better. However, he couldn't refute the claim since the twin wore a headband to cover his forehead–unlike the other twin. Words about lost innocence carried more weight once spoken by this peculiar youth.
And it happened. Kai removed himself from the situation, leaving Sakumo to deal with the consequences on the captured duo.
<<<>>>
"Well," Sakumo cleared his throat and glanced at the bound girls. "As instructed before capturing you two… no permanent damage."
His easy-going expression betrayed a grim intensity and a surprising amount of distaste—not for the pain he would put these two through, but for the Jonin aspirant who left his team in such a dire predicament. Sakumo was anything but indecisive with his threats, so the duo were in a few seconds of pain.
After all, that's all the White Fang had before Kai returned from the Central Tower.
Surely, everyone would have simply applauded Kai's cold, calculative decision to prioritize the mission in a perfect world and allow the girls to leave without harm since the youth had already proved his loyalty. However, Sakumo believed in consequences.
Whenever he left the village, he accepted the consequence of that departure, which led to no return.
The weight of lives and taking it must not be lost on professionals dealing with death daily.
So, Sakumo slashed his blade at Kushina's arm. It would be painful, but a cleanly sliced wrist was re-attachable in the Hospital, granted they maintained the integrity of the limb and promptly secured the cut hand in a bag of ice—all of which Sakumo already prepared.
Yet, Sakumo's instincts flared the second a glare flashed upon` his eyes. The white-haired Jonin's body moved before he could think, avoiding a volley of senbon.
*Tuc*
*Tuc*
*Tuc*
*Tuc*
"Huff," a young Shinobi landed on the branch, hiding Kushina and Mikoto from the white-haired disaster with his surprisingly broad back. But a cold and piercing voice lacking its usual charm and playfulness cut through the warmth bubbling in their chest as the youth looked over his shoulder with an indifferent look.
"You two must be either stupid or working against me to agree on being a test for my exam," he scoffed. "Not that it's malicious, or you would have been paralyzed by now, Bubbles."
Kushina squirmed under his intense glare, having never faced such an infuriated Kai.
"But don't worry," he smiled, sending chills down their spines. "I didn't know I was bunched together with masochists. I'll beat you two an inch of your lives once I'm done saving your hides."
Their widened eyes tried protesting and explaining themselves. However, their silent pleas, struggling bodies, and gagged noises fell to deaf ears and blind eyes as Kai turned around, pinning a pleased Sakumo in the spot.
"As for you, Sakumo Hatake," Kai began slowly. "I saved you, too."
"Is that so?" the White Fang smiled, brandishing his saber and releasing a chilling white gleam from its edge.
"Of course," Kai smiled, not so kind but every bit as maddened, twisted, and sadistic. "You're quite famous in Konoha, you know. It's in your epithet—Konoha's White Fang. What do you think I would have done if you hurt my teammates? I'm Team 9's healer… undoubtedly, it's fucking annoying dealing with such bullshit. So? Did you forget who I am?"
Sakumo's smile receded as his towering body released an overwhelming pressure as if warning the boy to choose his following words wisely.
And Kai did just that—what he was known for.
"You have a wife. Do you think I wouldn't go out of my way to ruin her day?" Kai's smile widened. "One day, you might have a child, too. Do you think I wouldn't treat him like an ordinary orphan and beat the shit out of him just because his father annoyed me—"
Sakumo was fast.
Very fast!
Kai didn't even get a chance to finish as a punch squared into his face and sent him flying with a sickening scrunch.
His relatively small frame crashed through the trees and dragged across the wet ground, splattering him with mud. A few branches penetrated into his exposed skin as Kai steadily got up, fixing his broken nose with a nauseating noise and spitting a mouthful of blood.
Unfazed, Kai glanced at the quiet, murderous Sakumo staring at the former from a nearby branch.
"Consider that nerve touched."
Kai smiled brokenly.
{A/N: DBZA Perfect Cell is Pleased!}
"What now?" Sakumo suddenly began. "I know your chakra pool isn't enough for a clone. So, the scroll is still on you. Why didn't you pass the promotion exam with flying colors? I gave you a chance because I thought you had enough skills. Killing an elite like Ameyuri Ringo is not a matter of fluke."
Kai sniffed, tasting the blood in his mouth.
"I'll let you in on a little secret, White Fang," he smiled. "Being a Jonin is not a matter of career but personal objective. What's the point of whining about doing something later when I failed to even have the balls to do it now—when I have a chance?"
The White Fang narrowed his eyes as Kai suddenly grinned. His body instantly side-stepped as Sakumo on the branch faded. Meanwhile, a saber sliced through the spot where his shoulder would have been had Kai not moved in time.
Sakumo's eyes briefly widened before he angled his blade and attacked Kai—
*Poof*
The saber bisected a wooden plank.
"A scent-based Genjutsu," Kai smirked as he landed in the distance. "Come on, White Fang. You'd think a genius like me would notice such a trap. Why else did you cover the entire forest with that weird-smelling liquid? By the way, what is it?"
Kai questioned as he plucked a nearby leaf.
"My summon's piss," Sakumo replied, freezing Kai in the middle of rubbing said leaf.
"Yuck," Kai tossed the leaf aside before smiling. "But works for me. I'll toss Mikoto and Kushina in a pile of these leaves once I finish the exam."
"Do you know why I think you have enough skills to become a Jonin despite not learning Elemental Jutsu?" Sakumo inquired as lightning crackled to a buzzing life along the length of his saber.
Kai touched his face, and his hands shimmered with greenish healing chakra.
"I can imagine," he smiled. "My record—"
"We're truly alike," Sakumo's words cut through the charged surroundings.
"I don't recall the great White Fang terrorizing orphans."
"Oh, I created plenty," Sakumo chuckled darkly, his easygoing receding to reveal a dull, emotionless expression. "Why should I antagonize my creation?"
Kai's breath momentarily hitched. Unfortunately, he was all too familiar with such a gaze. After all, he did have a mirror in his past life, and that look was what he reflected every time he gazed into one.
*Poof*
A modest plume of smoke erupted near Sakumo, revealing a dark-furred husky who exclaimed in human speech.
"The kid left the scroll with those girls, and his snake dragged a kunai to them. They're going to leave!"
"Wonderful," Sakumo spoke gently, but his gaze did not change. His dull eyes stared at the boy despite the youth being on the higher ground. "I cannot let a child enter the conflict you desire under my examination. There will be several like me… and they won't go as easy on you as I did the first time."
The White Fang's black pupils suddenly contracted into beast-like pins, surprising Kai.
"You chose the hard route," The smile dancing on Sakumo's lips didn't reach his eyes as he formed a seal and dispelled the summon. "And I'll do the same things to you I'd planned for your teammates. It's only fair."
Sakumo disappeared from Kai's view, his figure blurring around the youth in a feat of extreme speed and dexterity as the Jonin aspirant struggled to match the former's pace despite [Dynamic Vision.]
'Oh, fuck this!' Kai formed a seal. The unique chimeric transformation against Ameyuri wouldn't be as outstanding since Kai knew a few things about Sakumo and understood he outstripped Ameyuri in raw stats. But how would Sakumo target a tiny—
*Chhk*
A crackling blade passed through Kai's right shoulder. There he stood, Sakumo. Towering and unfaltering, his kick snapped Kai out of his daze AND his right arm! The attack was so clean that only slight movement was required to let Kai experience the full extent of it!
His expression momentarily twisted in pain, but his gaze eerily snapped into something dark and unfeeling. His brown hues appeared dull, unmoved, and, worst of all, dead.
*Poof*
Kai summoned a scroll, instantly unsealing it and slapping the bandage against his stump with a generous healing chakra as his body didn't stop moving. Even the loss of an arm did little to sway his balance.
But Sakumo saw through that 'little' imbalance, appearing next to Kai with deadly precision. His blade was already in movement to snatch the youth's left arm, too. However, Kai was prepared this time.
There were two Sakumo!
A shadow clone, who remained hidden until noticing the slightest flaw in Kai's defense.
*Poof*
Two crackling sabers slashed an unfortunate plank apart.
One of them instantly formed a seal.
"There you are!"
As quiet as the night, Kai heard Sakumo's words before releasing the Genjutsu.
*Slip*
Again, Sakumo's timing was deadly, backed by his experience in killing enemies worse than Kai had the fortune to face. The well-timed Genjutsu shifted Kai's landing, making him slip from the branch and fall to the ground. Meanwhile, the clone was already upon the youth, the saber glinting with its characteristic white light and aimed at the latter's right knee!
However, Sakumo's clone noticed something in a split second. Kai's skin glinted like metal. But why—
*Boom*
A volley of modified senbon kicked a fierce explosion, eroding the smell of genjutsu piss in the surroundings with that of charred wood and smoke.
*Chhk*
A blade pierced through the smoke AND Kai's abdomen, pinning him to the ground.
"Explosions are the norm in Shinobi Warfare," Sakumo explained, his bestial pupils matching Kai's unfeeling, dead orbs. "Did you believe it would be enough to shake me off—"
*Swish*
Sakumo flickered away, preventing Kai's right hand from piercing his abdomen.
"Did you believe cutting a healer's arm is enough?" Kai grinned, revealing blood-stained teeth. Connected through an expert use of chakra strings, the arm reattached itself to Kai's stump as the spot released the healing chakra's green glow without any external input. The same was the case for the injury in Kai's stomach.
"You're aware of chakra strings, right? Suna's Shinobi waste it on paltry puppets," Kai sat up, his gaze reverting to his usual playfulness. "But I realized they are awesome in patching injuries if you've got adequate knowledge. Have you seen anyone accomplish this in your career?"
Sakumo's pupils expanded and returned to what a human boasted. The calculative look of granting cold death faded into a warm smile.
"No. But now I have."
*Swish*
*Swish*
*Swish*
*Swish*
Several figures flickered around the duo, casting concerned glances at the bleeding boy.
"You two delivered the scroll?" Kai questioned indifferently. His piercing and intense look made the duo's hearts jump in their chests as they nodded.
"Great," Kai stood as he moved his right arm and grimaced. "I still need Sensei to look at my arm… then I'll deliver the beating of your lives!"
"You… did well," Hiruzen smiled before glancing at Sakumo, his gaze not too different from Kai's as the White Fang's heart also jumped in his chest, much like the girls. "Sakumo-Kun… a word."
"… Yes…" The White Fang smiled wryly. Oh, this act would hurt him financially.
"Let's get you to the Hospital and assess the damage," Tsunade furrowed her brows before shooting Jiraiya and Orochimaru a nasty glare. "You're not the only one I need to tend to." Her gaze further fell on the quiet Mikoto and Kushina.
Adults, huh…
Tsunade's stare turned stony. She'd remember to treat them like one after the stunt they pulled with Jiraiya and Orochimaru.
"Ah…" Kai suddenly fell unstable. He appeared dazed and pale as he wobbled where he stood.
"Kai-Chan!" Kushina gasped, only to fall silent as the boy fell against the blond Senju near him. His head cozily landed between the valleys hiding Heaven as he passed out.
Kushina promptly grew quiet, vibrating indignantly as Tsunade shot the clinging boy an unamused stare. However, she also recalled the sheer damage the youth suffered just a few seconds ago.
And then she glanced at her other two students, recalling the sheer cheekiness they displayed by volunteering for this mess. Oh, Tsunade did not doubt someone like Sakumo would have just as quickly created an even more dangerous exam. The fact was, till the end, Konoha's Elite hadn't gone all out. Far from it—Sakumo was only getting started. Still, Kai displayed enough skill and completed the objective while maintaining surprising integrity.
'You know what… I can kill two birds with one stone.'
Tsunade gently ruffled the youth's hair before tossing Kushina and Mikoto a knowing glance, allowing a pleasing smile to dance on her lips as she flickered away with Kai.
"Well…" Orochimaru cupped his chin.
"That went well," Jiraiya laughed, similarly pleased with Kai's choices. He never paid any heed to the usual Shinobi rules either.
"Did it?"
A warm, aged voice stiffened the duo as they slowly glanced back.
Sure… everyone, including Mikoto and Kushina, was an adult in this situation. And now they would reap the consequences of their decisions.
<<<>>>
"So?"
Tsunade questioned while performing a check-up on Kai. "How did you do it?"
Surrounded by the familiar space of Tsunade's office, Kai continued to act ignorant.
"Ugh, my head is killing me. Must be all the blood loss…" His torso drifted ahead, trying to get another feel of Heaven, when an index finger to his forehead stalled his advances.
"One time is enough," Tsunade snorted under her breath as Kai huffed and straightened his back.
Matching her gaze, Kai finally explained her previous question since her lifted brow didn't seem inclined to lower itself until she got one.
"It was a sudden realization," Kai confessed. "Nothing was stopping me from using my chakra threads." He understood Tsunade wasn't questioning him about using Chakra Strings to control his torn arm but something else. "So," he snickered. "I used chakra strings made from Mystic Palm's Healing Chakra to sew the stab wound shut. Worked like a charm, right?"
Tsunade continued staring at the boy. Technically, it was possible. Well, Kai proved it was practical for skilled individuals, too. However, she couldn't wrap her head around what kind of thought process someone needed to even try it and… succeed.
The pang of inferiority she'd constantly suppressed threatened to rear its ugly head again as Tsunade thinned her lips before exhaling.
"You did well," she smiled. "You just need to rest a bit due to the blood loss, but the rest is fine. You exceeded my expectations."
Kai brightened visibly, perking up as Tsunade paused before chuckling. Why did she even care about being better than weird talents? Of course, that did not mean Tsunade wouldn't mimic that chakra string application since it advanced the scope of Iryo-Ninjutsu by a ridiculous degree!
A moment of silence accompanied the duo before Tsunade sighed softly.
"Kai… you'll become a Jonin." She glanced away, suddenly admitting, "But I'd hoped that day came later… way later."
"What?" Kai frowned.
"You're very skilled… abnormally talented, and resourceful. Nobody doubts that. But you just faced one of the best the Shinobi world has to offer, and he… spared your life because killing you meant treason."
Kai grew quiet as Tsunade continued.
"Sensei told me why you want to join the conflict probably days if not weeks from sparking… and the White Fang won't be your opponent next time. Believe it or not, some enemies outright surpass Sakumo Hatake in every aspect."
She heaved.
"As your Sensei, I'd hoped to keep you safe longer than just a few months."
Kai looked down. It was the first time Tsunade had revealed such vulnerabilities candidly, and he didn't know how to respond. The woman had guided him through most of his surging emotions early on, but Kai felt that the situation was strangely reversed at the moment.
"Sensei… I…" Kai sought the right words as Tsunade met his gaze, smiling.
"Don't worry. I'm not letting you out of my sight so quickly. Just ignore what I said. I'm a bit on the edge these days—"
"I won't die," Kai interjected. His earnest voice cut through her wry notes. "And I'll surpass everyone before me because that's what it will take to get my way!"
Momentarily taken aback, Tsunade maintained his gaze before she smiled.
"Even Lord First? You know he—"
"Everyone!" Kai asserted. "I probably will never have a monstrous pool of Chakra like you guys, but that's the world's way of making things slightly more challenging and interesting."
Tsunade lifted her eyebrow, amused.
"That's quite the boast."
"It's a fact; two things can be correct at once," Kai grinned. "So, you don't need to worry about me. I'm going to live and make the best harem!"
Tsunade rolled her eyes before muttering. "Best, eh. You're aware that just being a Jonin won't cut it. You'll need better status to pull something like that off."
Kai shrugged.
"Well, of course. Who do you think will be the best Kage after surpassing everyone?"
Tsunade's gaze momentarily turned fond and reminiscent. She reached the back of her neck and untied her pendant before hanging in front of the youth.
"Kai… Jonin Kai, congratulations. And you can forget wooing me if you ever break your promise."
Tsunade stuffed the pendant in Kai's hand, leaving the boy dazed until he pulled himself together and smiled. "You got it. I'll be the best—"
"I'm not going to forget your promise," Tsunade repeated, firmly squeezing his shoulder and pinning him with an intense and desperate gaze. "So, don't you die…"
Kai blinked before he clenched the pendant in his hand.
"I won't. Promise."
Tsunade's smile brightened as she changed the subject. "So, are you up for putting Mikoto and Kushina in their places?"
"Definitely!"
"Oh, and Sensei?"
"Yeah?"
"While we're talking about putting others in their places… how about another public bath as my reward!"
"Bah! That pendant is your reward."
"Eh?! Come on! Becoming a Jonin is a massive milestone!"
"That's why I gifted you a pendant worth mountains, dumbass! That belonged to my grandfather, the First Hokage!"
"Oh… woah!"
***
Alternate Title: When Two Menaces Meet; Voluntary Sacrifices; Kai's Pissed; Mikoto And Kushina: For Kai? Sure, We'll Suffer The Worst (Also Kai: Promises The Worst); Kai Is Partial Sukuna and Partial Cell; Kai ASF: Where Are The Women And Children; Kakashi's In Trouble Before His Conception; Sakumo's Best Friend; The Dad Jokes Vs The Orphan Predator; Sakumo When He Isn't Making Dad Jokes: Drops Coldest Lines; Why Should I Antagonize My Creations—Sakumo 'White Fang' Hatake, The Orphan Generator; The Chakra String Advantages; Cold And Precise; Two Dead Men; Alike; Full Support; A Grown Up's World; Consequences; Passing With Flying Colors; Truly, A Konoha's Stock; MVP Cinnamon; A Deadly Battle of Seconds; An Elite's Might; A Skilled But Helpless Kai; Incomprehensible Might; Tsunade's Rewards; Passing Out For Heaven; Kai Likes His Pillow Warm And On Tsunade; Two Huge Reasons To Pass Out; The Threatened Conspirators; Kai Got The Cursed Necklace; Tsunade Whenever In Presence Of Greatness: Do You See This Necklace? It's Your Next Test; Tsunade Be Like: Can't Fuck Me If You're Dead (Kai: Vows An Oath of Immortality)
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