Sheldon POV
The day started out peacefully—that is, until Howard came barging into my apartment like a deranged chihuahua hyped up on sugar.
"Sheldon!" he shouted as he burst through the door without knocking. "You'll never believe what I just saw!"
I was, in fact, 63.7% sure I would believe it, but I paused my morning routine and looked at him with as much disinterest as I could muster while stirring my oatmeal.
"I was not expecting visitors today," I informed him dryly. "Also, if you're going to enter like a raccoon rifling through trash, please remove your shoes. Your frantic pacing leaves unnecessary dirt patterns on the floor."
Howard ignored me—as usual—and flopped onto the couch with exaggerated flair.
"Okay, so get this," he said, waving his hands like an overenthusiastic magician, "I just saw Penny and her sister, Ali, getting into a car together. Alone. No boyfriends. No male interference. Just the two of them."
I raised an eyebrow. "That is not only unremarkable, but statistically likely. They're roommates as well as sisters. Female humans with a known behavioral pattern of joint excursions."
Howard huffed, unfazed. "You're missing the point! It's the perfect opportunity for me to swing by with Leonard and 'accidentally' bump into them later. You know, offer to help with groceries, or fix something, or just be incredibly charming."
"Howard," I began, carefully setting my spoon down, "you have about as much charm as a rusted nail. Also, I sincerely doubt either woman is interested in spontaneous acts of hovering male desperation."
He squinted at me. "What's gotten into you? You're usually the one who doesn't interfere with the laws of attraction."
"I'm not interfering," I corrected. "I'm observing. With the added benefit of providing cautionary guidance. Also, I have grown rather fond of not being assaulted by Ali's verbal tirades or Penny's sarcasm. You however, seem to be inviting social ruin like it's a buffet."
Before Howard could retort, Leonard wandered in—already looking sheepish, which was not a good sign.
"Hey guys," he said. "Anyone seen Ali this morning?"
Howard and I exchanged a look. I opted to remain silent.
"Because," Leonard continued, "I may have left her a text. And another one. And a meme. And a picture of a rose. And also a playlist I titled 'Songs That Make Me Think of You, Maybe.'"
Howard winced. "Dude."
Leonard blinked. "Too much?"
"About eight text messages too much," I replied, already calculating how long it would take before the girls implemented some form of restraining order—or worse, a custom brand of sarcasm-fueled revenge. Or worse still, Penny's junior rodeo instincts. "Because if you keep pushing, I wouldn't be surprised if Penny lassos you like a rogue calf and drags you down the hallway by your ego."
Leonard groaned and collapsed next to Howard. "I don't get it. She laughs at your jokes, Sheldon."
"That is because I am occasionally funny and rarely inappropriate," I said. "Also, I have not once suggested that she accompany me to what Howard so charmingly referred to last week as 'Pound Town.'"
Howard snorted.
Leonard buried his face in his hands. "What do I do now?"
I considered several responses—ranging from 'adopt a new identity' to 'move to Antarctica'—but settled on something less extreme.
"Perhaps... stop trying so hard. You cannot program a woman's affection like a vending machine. She does not dispense kisses after inserting emotional tokens."
Howard snorted again, but I ignored him. The truth, as always, had a flavor he couldn't stomach.
Leonard sighed. "Maybe I should give her some space."
"An excellent idea," I nodded. "And if that fails, you can always fake your own death and start over as a barista in Prague. I hear the espresso is excellent."
He stared at me like I'd grown a second head, and Howard just laughed.
I picked my spoon back up, determined to reclaim my now tepid oatmeal, but one more troubling thought occurred to me.
"Leonard," I said slowly, "how did you even get Ali's phone number? She told me quite specifically that she never gave it to you."
Leonard shifted guiltily on the couch. "Penny left her phone on the counter once and—well, I may have copied it down."
My jaw twitched. "That is a privacy violation and borderline sociopathic behavior. You do realize that if she finds out, she may add a taser to her already impressive verbal arsenal?"
Howard whistled under his breath. "Dude, you're lucky Ali hasn't already ended you."
I turned my attention back to my oatmeal. Peace, it seemed, was once again theoretically achievable—until Leonard's next misstep dragged us all into another spiral of social combustion.
Ali POV
Getting into the car with Penny was like stepping into a tiny tornado of glitter and stress.
"He's been texting me all morning," I said, unlocking my phone to show her. "I didn't even give him my number, Pen. He must've swiped it off your phone when you weren't looking."
Penny gasped. "That little sneak!"
I shrugged, but it was tight and annoyed. "I blocked him. I'm not dealing with a love-me marathon from a guy who doesn't understand the meaning of no."
"Good. You shouldn't have to. If he starts up again, I'll bring out the rodeo gear."
"So," she said as she turned the key in the ignition, "you think we're gonna be stalked today or what?"
I laughed. "If he shows up with another bouquet or mixtape, I'm calling the FBI. Or better yet, I'll sic the Junior Rodeo Queen on him."
Penny smirked. "I could still hogtie a man in under twenty seconds. Just say the word."
"Noted," I said. "I'll keep it in my back pocket, right next to my pepper spray and sarcasm."
We drove off, both of us laughing.
We returned to the apartment building with a few grocery bags and lighter moods, but it didn't last. As soon as we stepped into the lobby, Leonard was waiting at the elevator with an envelope clutched in his hand.
Penny groaned under her breath. "Oh no."
He straightened when he saw us and offered a nervous smile. "Hey. Uh, I wanted to apologize for everything. I know I was out of line. This is just... a letter. You don't have to read it now. I just—wanted to say I'm sorry."
He held the envelope out like it might bite him if he kept it too long.
Penny sighed and took it, her expression unreadable. "Thanks, Leonard."
I gave him a long, measured look but didn't say anything. Not yet. He seemed sincere—maybe—but I'd already blocked his number and I wasn't going to pretend everything was fine just because he could string a few words together and slap on puppy eyes.
We reached the elevator and saw the familiar "Out of Order" sign taped across the doors—practically a permanent fixture at this point.
"Ugh, seriously?" Penny groaned. "I swear, that sign's been up longer than I've lived here."
I sighed, adjusting the bags in my hands. "At this point, I'm convinced the elevator's just a decorative element."
"We should start charging rent for the stairwell," she muttered, already heading toward the stairs.
"Or commission royalties for every calorie burned. This building owes me a six-pack."
Penny shot a glare at the ceiling as if it were personally responsible for the broken machinery, then turned toward the stairwell. "Come on. Let's get this over with before Leonard thinks of another way to 'apologize.'"
I followed her up, muttering, "Next time, I'm bringing a pulley system and a rope."
By the time we made it to our floor, we were breathless, sweating, and twice as annoyed—but at least still free of hobbit interference. Once inside, Penny opened the envelope and skimmed the letter.
"Well," she muttered, folding it neatly again. "At least it doesn't rhyme. That's progress."
I snorted. "Maybe. Still, I'm keeping my eye on him. One false move and I'm using your rope."
Penny grinned. "That's why you're my favorite sister."
"I'm your only sister. You know, besides Lisa."
"Exactly. But she's married with four kids and lives in Omaha, so you're my only available sister."