12-3-2025 8:16pm
So I just took a 50 milgram antianxiety/antidepressants meds, I'm gonna use this to talk about how I feel and if I noticed any effects so yeah day 1 is here.
10:49 pm
Not sure if it is working, it has been a couple hours and I still feel pretty anxious about stuff but it is just 50 milgrams and I just started taking them.
12-4-2025. 11:43 am
So it is day 2, I also take sleep pills now forgot to talk about that. So far today I am find I guess, not sure if the pills I took are good or if I'm still tired or such but so far I'm good, having really been in a situation that stresses me out yet to test though but hey we will see.
2:19 pm
My mom and her boyfriend are arguing again though I'm not as stressed about it as usual. They always argue even over stupid stuff like who bought milk, what is there to eat, where the remote is. Everything somehow ends up into an argument and been that way for years, their relationship is toxic and unhealthy thanks to both sides and I don't understand why they don't just break up with each other. Honestly I have been expecting one of them to kill the other.
3:08 pm
So far I been fine but then I started watching a story called 'my brother's wife stole my baby at the hospital while I was unconscious', and now I'm shaking a good bit though it isn't as bad as I thought. My head is mostly clear which is weird since I have been young I constantly had to have thoughts going through my head or else I would start becoming annoyed, angry, and wanting to punch something. So maybe it is working but I'm not sure, usually I need strong medicine to deal with stuff since my immune system is strong so I'm not sure.
11:18 pm
So I finished work awhile ago. I guess my meds are working. My head self weird like it was clear but also not? My thoughts and mind felt like they were trying to scratch at some type of wall so I'm not sure. I suppose 50 milgrams Is good but I honestly think I need stronger ones but who knows.
12-5-2025. 12:14 pm
So it is the third day. I guess I am find, I feel like how I felt yesterday and I'm starting to figure out which is me and which is my depression and anxiety. I also am thinking about going to the gym today but am unsure. I will write what I decided later.
10:01 pm
So it is the end of the day, everything is good I suppose, I think the meds are working but not completely. It feels like my anxiety and depression is stuck behind glass scratching trying to get back to the forefront. And as for the sleep pills I think they work the first day but aren't working anymore, I'm not sure but I know I have taken so many pills during my life that I might have gain some resistance to the weaker stuff but who knows.
12-6-2025. 11:11am
So it is another day, I am kinda running out of things to say, I guess I'm starting to wake up at 11 am recently though I don't know if it is the meds or not but probably.
1:36 pm
So I'm not sure, maybe these anti depressants are working, anti anxiety, whichever these are but I'm not sure. As I said I feel better, but the thoughts feel like they are scratching at a wall trying to get in. Maybe I need stronger stuff or maybe I just need to get used to it, I'm not really sure.
3:13 pm
Weirdly enough I feel stress and anxious about getting a kid's meal at McDonald's, I really want the 70th anniversary toys and like the happy meals so the anxiousness is about what people might think about me getting a Kid's meal(happy meal). I also am sad, I was hoping to go to Disneyland(first time I would ever go to a Disney park) this year during it's 70th anniversary. But it will likely be a few years. I am sad slightly because if I had saved when I first gotten a job then I and others would be able to go. The reason I didn't is because I wasn't use to having so much money so spent it a lot. I also didn't feel like I could ask for us to go, we don't have much money.
3:35 pm
Weird I just felt depressed about working. It felt like the scratching stopped and now a veil is opened slightly. Also I got Beast from Beauty and the beast, a girl with red hair in a superhero pose they do after dropping from a high place wearing a mostly white, and black outfit. And ended up surprisingly the same ones again so I have doubles.
11:16 pm
So I am back from work... I'm not sure, I feel like the antidepressants are already starting to wear off, or better my body is already starting to gain a resistance though I'm not completely sure to be honest but it feels like it, feels like the wall keeping demons and such at bay is becoming thin.
12-7-2025 1:29 pm
So it's another day, my eyes hurt and I have a minor migraine or headache. I think the medicine is working, I have to take them every night, my mind is clear right now but hurts as I just said, I'm not sure if I need stronger meds or not.
3:34 pm
I took some ibuprofen(painkillers) the headache is still there but it is being held back, I feel dizzy? I don't know if it is because of the medicine or if I'm just hungry.
7:04 pm
I took my medicine an hour or two ago and starting to become really sleeping. I showed my mom this stuff and she says my antidepressants full effects don't usually work untill a month but I'm not sure. My sleep pills I'm so confused, sometimes it feels like they work and sometimes it doesn't, they are supposed to work naturally instead of forcing your body into sleep so maybe that is the reason.
7:23 pm
I have started playing Tales of Vesperia again since a few hours ago, it is an amazing game and I absolutely love it and it's story, if I could I would love to be reborn as Yuri.
10:31 pm
I feel extra full from pizza I ate and feel extra depressed all of a sudden. I am 280 something pounds, used to be closer to 200. I started eating a lot unknowingly because it made me feel happy. Now I have a hard time stopping especially since I work at a fast food place and I do go to the gym but now that it is winter I don't feel as wanting to go outside as much.
12-8-2025 12:40.am
So I am slightly depressed, my black work pants pocket is ripping out and I just realized in four years I have had to replace my work pants a lot at least I think I have. I also noticed that I have started to use this to put my thoughts into words and such instead of just using it to talk about how my meds and such been doing and how they been affecting me.
3:15 am
So I don't know why but I'm constantly thirsty, even when I'm hungry the thing I immediately think about is water, I don't even like eating all that much which would surprise people who sees me but I prefer drinking, juice, pop, water(no alcohol, I have never touched a sip in my life), and I'm just constantly wanting to drink.
11:23
I just remembered about the club I tried to start after a teacher suggested I try. It was gonna be a gaming club where we would have board games and card games and such to play and anyone who beats the club leader in the game becomes the new club leader, it didn't last long sadly, we had nothing prepared but the teacher said it was good to try anyways.
12:44 pm
I always hated having to change clothes in front of the other guys for gym class and tried to stay in a quiet part of the gym and only changed my pants. I also found it uncomfortable and such to change and such in front of people even those of the same gender. I also hate when doctors need to check your penis so I always refused it even if I could get cancer. Honestly I always hoped one day I would get cancer so I don't have to do something myself to die(which I don't plan on doing, as long as the medicine and therapy works). Strangely when I had a breakdown awhile ago watching Imaginary friends Institute season 1 played by Super horrorbro, and putting video game discs away in a disc case thing kept me slightly calm which I'm not sure about. I'm also thinking of stopping the trying to find a new job with the disability people as I'm afraid if I try to change my routine and job while starting antidepressants/antianxiety meds and counciling it can do a lot of harm but also there is still fear of change that I have.
2:40 pm
So I feel slightly more depressed and anxious right now, I think it has to do with the medicine, I read that it usually gets worse before it gets better but I thought it just meant the beginning day you take it but I'm, not sure. My head has also started feeling lighter now and I have a minor headache or migraine.
12-9-2025 11:15 am
So nothing new today, I wasn't gonna write anything but I thought they might as well keep putting chapters in for new days and all that. Well I guess I might as well says that besides barely anything, I can't truly remember 9th and 10th grade, it's like my mind blocked those years out and I read online that happens during times when you feel extream stress so maybe that was it.
11:23 pm
Umm I don't know if it has to do with the medicine but I have had moments where I felt light headed or nauseous or tired.
12-10-2025 10:23 am
It is another day, I have been able to wake up before 12pm takes to the medicine but it is still hard to fall asleep before 12am.
11:10 am
So I am bad right now I guess. I know that I read that when you take antidepressants you get worse before you get better. Honestly I wish I said something when I was in highschool but I knew I would refuse and need someone to make me do it instead of letting me choose, at least until a panic attack happens.
11:29 am
My chest feels light, like when I had panic attacks and close to breakdown though I'm not sure, it also feels like something is trying to hold it back but barely.
3:36 pm
I feel slightly depressed like the medicine can't push back but I know it is and can and will take a few weeks to start fully working but I'm also not sure and wonder if I need stronger medicine.
I also constantly feel like people are reacting or talking about me even when they aren't which I think I wrote before but I'm not sure.
12-11-2025 10:50 am
So another day, there isn't anything really new with meds, their affects have gone down I guess but like I said it usually takes a couple weeks for the medicine to take full effect so who knows. I umm really can't wait for imaginary friends Institution chapter 2.
12:03 pm
I am annoyed, I have to work four days in a row this week (already worked Wednesday) and I also work next Sunday and next Monday so that is 6 days in a row without a break also Fridays I'm scheduled even though I put in the system I don't want to work Fridays so I'm even more mad.
1:09pm
I feel slightly dizzy and such right now so I'm not sure what that is. I haven't done anything that could cause the dizziness, just been laying here.
3:22 pm
I don't know if I wrote this but I really like Imaginary Friends Insistute, it helped me when I was in a dark time/moment which is surprising because what it is about, I first learned about it by watching SuperHorrorBro.
12-12-2025 12:23 pm
So a new day, my mind is the same it has been for awhile, I feel light in the chest but beyond that I'm good, we are supposed to go back to see the doctor to see if I need stronger meds soon. And I'm supposed to get counciling soon too.
1:52 pm
So I feel slightly anxious and such more lately, and stressed about things like my mind is more affected, I am unsure if it is my meds starting to rewrite whatever like becoming weaker before becoming stronger but it is strange? Weird, I don't know. I'm also stress my mom is always sitting in her bed instead of finding a job, she has a summer job but that is it and not only does that mean me and Michael are really the only ones paying the bills but she isn't contributing to the Disneyland Fund.
10:23 pm
So umm I am thinking of calling off the disability help getting a new job thing not only because the guy scared me by saying I can't find a job that pays the same or more which I kinda expected but it still hurts, but also I don't want my environment and such that I know and am comfortable with to change when I'm just starting on antidepressants and am gonna start counseling soon. Though I'm also scared and want a reason to stop it as not only has this been taking so long and such but I'm also afraid I will fail whatever job I find, and making new friends and such especially when I made my work friends by accident and likely won't keep in contact once I leave. My medicine also I think effects I need stronger as my mind though isn't wondering with thoughts as bad is still almost like they were just less but not by much.
11:05 pm
I tried but I don't know how to stop my Data from turning on randomly. I keep having to turn it off but it just turns back on after awhile and it's been like this for a day or two.