One day, I opened my eyes after such a forced sleep to find that Shigure had turned his back to me and didn't seem to want to respond to me. He refused to look me in the eyes. It persisted for the next few days, making me almost go mad with worry. Had I done something to upset him?
I asked but was met with silence. No reply. I was being ignored. Was he angry? Depressed? I'd done something, hadn't I? Was it an attitude? Something I thought? Something I said?
I was just short of shaking him, but then remembered that shaking him would hurt him and I couldn't give him any more pain than he already had to deal with.
"Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc," I pulled on Doc's arm instead. "Tell me what's wrong. What did I do? Can I fix it? Doc. Tell me."
Doc reluctantly relented after several days of me badgering him, looking guilty. His eyes slid away from my face.
"I told him all that you've told me had happened to you since the stranger with the umbrella," he told me. "Including that part where you told me about being drugged and conditioned, where you were trapped by the butlers with Mr Borges. He's really upset."
"Oh," I said, and looked up at the ceiling while Doc hurried away to busy himself with work.
I lay down feeling all the energy draining out of me into the cool floor. It must be me.
Shigure must have been upset with me for not being stronger and doing better. He was probably bitterly disappointed with me and regretting taking in such a weakling. I had wanted to tell him at the time. I remembered him visiting. Unless it had been a dream? I had tried to tell him something was wrong, but I had been unable to.
It was my fault for not doing better and not utilizing my training more. He might disdain me for being unable to resist the conditioning and what Lance had done to me. In fact, it would be right if he disdained me and didn't want to know me anymore. I had been sullied and ruined by so many men now. Why would he still want me?
I guessed I wouldn't be able to convince him to give me his baby in the future after all. He must find me disgusting and useless after all. I was too dirty to give him a baby. He deserved someone better than me after all. Somebody clean, beautiful and closer to his age.
I could imagine his future children. They'd be beautiful.
I stopped bothering him after that. He probably didn't want to know me anymore. Didn't want to interact with a filthy woman like me.
My spirits flagged and I felt down for a while. It was like the world had lost all its light and colour. Everything was seen through hazy lens, as if the camera lens had gotten dirty and smudged with fingerprints and dirt.
I caught a cold and had a fever that didn't go down for a few days. I shivered in a cold and hot miserable ball, coughing and sneezing into a blanket a kind guard had found from somewhere for me. That was until some jealous person stole the blanket.
I heard they caught my cold and then died from it. The blanket was used to wrap his dead body up and that was that. Shigure wrapped himself around me and Doc didn't come over in order not to accidentally get the germs on himself and spread them through the hall. A face mask was made of a strip of someone's shirt for me so that I wouldn't go aerosolising the virus.
Not that it helped much. The other sick person had already spread the virus before he died.
When I recovered, Shigure didn't ignore me anymore, to my relief. He acted normally, but sometimes I could see flashes of guilt or something else flash in his eyes and he would look away, clutching his chest for a moment.
It hurt to think that he possibly hated me. Hated me so much that he couldn't look at me. He hid his emotions well and I pretended that I didn't notice. Perhaps it was the kissing and mouth to mouth feeding while he had been in a coma. Maybe he hated the fact that I had taken advantage of him while he had been sleeping to kiss him. Maybe he just found me plain disgusting.
As a result, I tried to be careful not to touch him anymore. Seeing as he possibly hated my touch, I did my best to avoid him so as not to attract more hatred or disgust. I wouldn't be able to stand it if he threw me away.
It didn't stop him from hugging me at night to keep me warm though. It was so kind of him to still be willing to touch me even though he didn't like me anymore. I was amazed that Shigure didn't get sick. He must have an iron immune system.
When I talked to Doc about whether Shigure still liked me or whether he hated me now that he knew what had happened to me, Doc had given me a strange look.
"Are you crazy?" Doc asked, poking my head with his finger.
"Shh," I glanced at Shigure to make sure he was still sleeping. "Don't wake him up."
"Please," Doc rolled his eyes and poked my head some more. "He's already awake. Can you use that brain of yours more? What's wrong with your head?"
"It's broken," I replied, brushing his finger away. "My head hasn't been working properly for months now. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. Look, he's still sleeping. Keep it down, ok? I just don't understand if I've done anything to upset or disgust him. Does he hate me now? Why does he hate me so much?"
Doc rolled his eyes again.
"Which eye of yours saw that he doesn't like you? Or that he hates you? If he was disgusted with you, would he let you kiss him goodnight every night? Why would he hug you at night? You tell me."
"Shigure is just an all round nice guy," I said, lying down in a gloomy manner. "He hates me but is just trying to be nice to me. He doesn't like me at all anymore. I suppose I should stop kissing him goodnight. He seems to hate it when I do that. He always flinches. He probably hates me touching him at all. Yes, I should stop touching him or trying to do anything for him. He will feel more comfortable if I avoid him, right,?
"I can't be bothered with you right now," Doc told me, huffing. "I'm trying to tell you and your either aren't listening or the words are going in one ear and out the other. It's not like you can't understand English. Your lack of brains is disgusting."
"I apologise for the disturbance," I pouted at the doctor, knowing he was just feeling frustrated and wasn't purposely trying to hurt my feelings. I was, after all, a person with low emotional intelligence, a slow learner and kind of dense in the head. "I won't talk to you anymore then."
"Good," Doc said. "I don't want to hear your voice right now."
Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe I dreamed it. That night I dreamed that Shigure had leaned over to kiss my ear and cheek. He had kissed me on the forehead.
"I don't hate you. You don't disgust me," he whispered. "There are some boundaries we shouldn't cross. I'm just upset with myself. Angry with myself. I'm very angry that I didn't see the signs and that I didn't protect you better. Give me a little time, ok? Don't be so childish and keep overthinking things. We're going to be ok. You have to remember that."
I tried. I tried to remember, but Shigure's cold shoulder and back was like an icy stone wall. It was painful to try to lean against and painful to be rejected. It was definitely my fault. If I weren't around, he'd probably feel better, but if I weren't around, I'd be worried that nobody would take care of him or Doc. If he died, what would happen to the war?
The doctor turned away from me too, making my heart ache for him. He faced the wall and leaned his forehead on it.
With so many people down with a cold, the guards refused to let Doc move around as much anymore. As a result, he sat with Shigure and I most of the time, not quite sure what to do with himself now that he wasn't so busy. He huddled in a ball with his back to me, forehead leaning on his knees or the wall. He often muttered unintelligible things to himself.