"That's not how you do that, you should slowly insert it in and then turn it, you're going to break the doorknob at this rate",my mother's sapped and stressed voice called out alerting me to my rough approach to opening the doorknob and I knew better than to misbehave,as any mistake could result in a painful slap. My mom values consistency and precision, especially when it comes to mere tasks. She expects things to be done accurately and any deviation from that could warrant her anger and frustration.
"Mom, I've unlatched the door",I exclaimed, gesturing for her to enter, making sure my tone conveyed gentleness and respect. Earlier,she had gotten me all riled up and I really don't know the reason why she wouldn't let me have a say in matters concerning me.
As my mom stepped inside dashing forward to her usual wingback chair in the living room, observing her I could see her body language exuded a relaxed and calm posture, although one could see a slight hint of stress in her voice but nonetheless her relaxed posture gave me hope that my thoughts and concern would be met with receptiveness and understanding if I decide to put forward the matters that had been weighing up in my mind. I took a deep breath and mustered the courage to speak up, "Mom, we really need to talk about what happened at the Jackson's", I said as I made sure my voice came out as gentle as I could manage to, as opposed to the unwavering anger subsiding inside me.
She slowly look up, softening her expression. "Yes dear, you're right, I really need to know why there's much animosity between you and their son and why this seem to be an endless fight", she said and I could see the sincerity in her eyes as she motioned for me to sit down on the couch.
A wave of relief engulfed me like a soothing tide, calming my racing thoughts and anxiety and easing the tension surging through my body, it was as if the world momentarily paused allowing me to have all the time to waver in the comforting wave to comport myself as I put across all the questions that had been ruminating inside me."I feel like I haven't been give the chance to express my thoughts and feelings about things that directly affect me", I said looking up to face her directly as I had been staring at the floor trying to gather together my composure and searching through her face as if trying to get a hint if I would get the apprehension I need'.
Maybe I saw it wrong but something like a flicker of regret flashed through her eyes, then I continued, "Mom...",she look intently at me as if trying to read my mind, "it's been going on for a while now and I believe it's important for me to handle matters that I'm directly responsible for as this would help me to navigate the way I behave and see the world and make choices that would help me shape my lie". I paused abruptly, my words catching in my throat, as I didn't want to spoil the calm atmosphere that enveloped us."Honestly, Mom, I would have tried to raise my voice back then when we were at the Johnson's place, but I didn't want to come across as uncultured. Instead, I chose to remain quiet and reticent, observing the social norms and maintaining a respectful demeanor. I didn't want to disrupt the atmosphere or create any tension, so I opted to keep my thoughts to myself. It was a challenging decision, as I felt the urge to speak up, but I believed it was important to show courtesy and respect in that situation".
"Tell me more",she said and I ostentatiously tried to make my expression pure out all emotions in me.
"What's currently happening between me and their son is a personal matter that we will address when the time is right. As for his earlier statement claiming that I'm always the one starting the controversy, it's an obvious lie, I have tried to staying in my own lane, but he consistently finds ways to make me the victim after words gets to the teachers. While I might consider changing schools, I know that you wouldn't support that decision". I said in a disheartened manner, I know there's more to what I just spout but that's the truth on the outlook. I wasn't even given the opportunity to talk when the Johnson's invited us over for different dinner so I could utter rather dejectedly now.
My mom's expression changed, and I couldn't help but notice a flicker of surprise in her eyes as she absorbed the depth of sincerity in my words. I could really decipher that she had listened attentively when her whole eyes screamed empathy. "Mara," she called out my name in a sonorous tone, "I can now see that I've unintentionally contributed to the situation, but I need you to understand one thing I'm doing this to protect you and I don't want you to be in a situation that may lead to unnecessary complications . I want you to prioritize your studies, just dedicate all you've got and focus on achieving your educational goals". She paused before she continued . "You really need to give little or no attention to whatever is happening between you two right now, you have to get out of that school as the top student and come out with good grades. I would be disappointed if I later come to know that you're still getting in trouble with anybody in school".
I could see her tone as changed as she ranted continuously in an exasperating manner. I know she doesn't know how I feel, I know she's all about me getting good grades, she doesn't know how I'm fairing emotionally, socially or physically.
And there she goes again, that's one of the reasons why I really don't enjoy talking to her. She always talks endlessly about my education and how I need to give my all. I have tried to understand that she's doing this for my own sake, but it feels hypocritical when she doesn't seem to care about how I fare at school. Robert, the only son of the Jacksons, has always been the one giving me a really tough time at school. I have tried to fit into what my mom calls being unchallengeable, and she often tells me nobody would stand in my way in as much as I'm determined on that course of action, and all that I need to do is being dauntless. She has never tried to comfort me when I cried hard because I couldn't meet her demand of being a top student. She had always wants my grades to be unbeatable, but it often feels impossible due to Robert's presence. Robert is truly brilliant, and I know I have my own intelligence as well, but my mom doesn't seem to understand. I find myself struggling because I couldn't meet her criteria of being a top student. She needs to know that my worth and value shouldn't be judge by my being a top student or my academic achievements, she needs to focus more on my personal growth and happiness, I really just want to be something she can be proud of even if it's just for a moment.
But right now, I feel depleted, I have no vigor or desire to continue the conversation, all my hopes of having a proper conversation with her has all diminished and all I want to do is go inside my room and cry my eyes out. I prioritize my emotional well-being, so I will process my emotions and allow to cry if needed. I've always found solace in this, the kind my mom as never offered me. "It's fine", I finally voiced out as I stand dashing towards my room. "Good night, mom", I promptly said to halt any additional words from being uttered.
"Mara," she called out, but I made the conscious decision not to respond as I quickly ran to my room and slammed the door shut. I understand that not answering can be seen as an insolent behavior, but in this moment, it doesn't hold much significance to me.