There was enough rice and vegetables to fill me up. I do wish he'd cooked more meat, but I shouldn't complain. Everything was so good—and unexpected—so I felt truly blessed.
"Snowe..."It always feels like time stops whenever he says my name."I need you to realize I'll always come back to you. And if I'm upset, I will talk to you about it, because I want to stay with you. I made a commitment to you."
He was looking at me in the dimly lit kitchen when he placed his hand over mine.
"I believe you... I'm sorry I panicked... I guess I'm confused because... no one has ever loved me before. Not even my family. So it's hard for me to believe you won't abandon me. I mean, they'd say they loved me sometimes, but they were quick to leave or ignore me. So... it's hard for me to expect anything different from you."
He squeezed my hand gently, and I felt my eyes begin to well up."Why me? I don't think I deserve to be treated so well by you. It scares me, because I don't know how I even earned your love. So how do I keep it?!"I was surprised by my own transparency—thoughts I'd forced to the back of my mind were suddenly spilling out."And how do I know someone else can't just steal you away, when I'm not special in the first place?!"
"In this situation, you don't need to apologize to me... I'm not upset. I'm just worried about you. I don't want to make you cry again. I don't want to take a walk and come home to you crying. There's only one scenario in which I enjoy making you cry."
I snorted, trying not to laugh."You perv, is that all that's on your mind?" I teased.
"I assure you, I'm thinking about a lot of things all the time. It feels like I never stop. So I like to focus on causing you pleasure. Making you smile. You are my oasis."His expression briefly twisted in pain."I'm not sure how to explain why I feel the way I do about you..."He looked so serious that it took me off guard."Before I met you, everything lacked color. I don't know how else to explain it. I was just going through the motions of life. I took on some work I'm ashamed to talk to you about—I thought it would bring excitement, but even that was dull."
"What kind of work?" I asked gently.
"...Anything that paid a lot of money. But that's not the point right now. We're getting off track."(How dare he say that when he's the king of conversational tangents!)"I felt something when I first saw you. That's rare for me."
"I felt something when I saw you too..." I admitted.
"It's not the same thing. When I first saw you, I was overcome with the desire to hurt you. I wanted to see what your face looked like distorted by pain. Maybe it was pure instinct based on what we are. But there were no warm, loving feelings in that moment."
That caught me off guard."But seconds later, when I commented on your outfit and you ran away embarrassed—when I saw your expression change—my feelings changed too. Your reaction was so pure and innocent, it surprised me. And I wanted to know you. I'd promised Rai I wouldn't hurt you, so I didn't. But the more time I spent with you, the more interested I became. That was odd, because I usually lose interest in people seconds after meeting them."
"You... wanted to attack me?" I asked shakily. That detail haunted me. I'd never picked up on it. Zai had always felt warm and safe. Maybe something was wrong with my instincts.
"I realize now that I've never been attracted to anyone before. You awakened a dormant side of me. You intrigue me and frustrate me. No one else can do that—only you. So yes, you are special to me. The urge to cause you pain is still there, but there's no need to worry. I would never risk losing you."
"What do you mean?" I asked the man I'm now married to. His eyes flickered slightly in the dark. He cleared his throat.
"You flipped a switch in me, Snowe. To put it simply... if I could, I'd spend every day doing nothing except &$#ing you."
I raised my eyebrows, face burning.
"I'd never been overcome with lust before... but I love you now, so that's not possible. I want to make you happy. You have dreams I want to support, and needs I can't ignore. Plus, you're much more fragile than I am... so I have to go easy on you."
"I..." I paused, trying to find the words. "Thank you... for taking care of me. I can tell you how I feel about you now, if you want."
He scoffed and smirked."I already know how you feel about me."He's so darn arrogant sometimes!
"Then... can you tell me more about life in Afaria? I never cared enough to learn before. I feel like I don't really know."
Zai moved his stool closer."Are you saying you're interested in me too?"
"There are just things I didn't know. Like—you actually have families and a culture. I know it looks different than I thought it would, but now I want to know how you were raised... before you went into the Glass Palace."
Zai slung an arm over my shoulder and... groped me.
"Hey?!"
"Shush, I'm trying to focus."
I glared at him. Does he need to squeeze my boob to focus?!
"I grew up in a poor area," he continued. "My mother and father loved each other, but there were days we went without food. It didn't bother me, but they would both cry and apologize. I wouldn't tell them I wasn't hungry, because I liked that they were trying so hard to care for me.
"They were both lower class. The only thing special about them was that my mother was a local beauty. I did odd jobs—cleaning, selling things I'd stolen—to help out. Stealing was normal. So was murder. Prioritizing yourself was expected.
"No one outside my family cared what happened to me. Then one day, someone tried to stop me from taking something, and I realized I was incredibly strong. They were older, but I overpowered them easily. So I started entering fighting tournaments. The money came easier.
"My town thrived on gambling. Blood sports were the most popular thing to bet on. I'd bet on myself and win. In one night, I'd take home more than I had in months. My parents became happy. They felt bad at first, but the financial stability comforted them.
"When I became locally famous, they nicknamed me Little Titan. They threw parties with fried food, music, dancing in the streets...
"But that same fame was why I was found. The thing that brought stability also destroyed it. People saw the marks on my arm and reported me to the king... for money. And you know what happened after that."
"You've killed people?" I asked, quietly.
"I'm an Afarion. Of course I've killed people. As soon as we can stand on our own, we're forced to kill others our age. We can't afford pity or sympathy. This war doesn't allow it."
That's... dark. I've never had to do something like that. To register something so horrific as normal...
"How many people?" I asked again.
Zai stopped touching my chest and exhaled."I'm not a psychopath, Snowe... I haven't kept count."My heart began pounding unevenly.
"That's a new look... are you afraid of me now?"
"I just can't imagine what you went through. My life was so different. We had food every day and went to school. It doesn't sound like you even got an education.
"We have strict laws against theft, gambling, murder... and fights are only allowed in safe zones—absolutely no killing. So I'm trying to process how... You went through all of that, and you were just a child."
"Yeah. Until I was five, that was my life. I liked it. Your life sounds mundane... no offense."
Now I feel stupid for pitying him.
"I've never killed anyone before."
Zai chuckled."I already knew that. You're an Infaniyan—and a weak one. There's no way they'd send you to war or waste resources training you. I know all about your kind.
"But Snowe... how do you feel? Do you feel like you know me better now? And... is that a good thing?"
"I feel like... you're a confusing enigma. But I... I still wish I'd known you sooner. I wish we'd grown up together. That would've given me time to understand you."
I turned to him, and I was startled to find he was even closer than before.
"I'm glad I met you here. If the king ever saw you... it would—"
He cut himself off and kissed me hungrily, wrapping me in a tight embrace.
"Z-Zai... we're in the kitchen," I whispered, blushing.
He lifted me by the thighs. My arms looped around his shoulders. He laid me down on the living room couch. He was too impatient to go upstairs.We made love there that night.
Zai must have carried me to bed because that's where I awoke the next day. I got up to find that he was downstairs—he'd washed the couch cushions and even cleaned up RJ's empty food boxes and clothes.
"Snowe! Where are my shoes?!" Valin yelled as I groggily walked into the living room.
"I don't know..." I muttered, too tired to think.
"I put them away. You'll have to figure out where," Zai replied.
Valin turned to him. "What?! What about my jacket?!" he whined.
"Learn to pick up your own stuff, and you won't need to worry about where I put things. Good luck finding it."
Then he turned to me with open arms. I smirked and hugged him tightly, giggling as he spun me around and shook off my sleepiness.
"I hate you!" Valin shouted.
"What?" Zai said, then shot him a look I couldn't see—but it must have been terrifying, because Valin went pale and muttered,
"Nothing... I'll look for my stuff now."