28 October 2020
Ian's house was some blocks away from my apartment, hence I decided to personally go and talk to him. He could understand me better rather than over the phone. I couldn't talk to him though we were patrolling the city last night. Lara left us in the middle of the night to get to her boyfriend. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to ask for his help. This is the most awkward I've ever felt in my entire life. The only man I've been used to was Eli. I've never learnt how to be near another man, be it my colleague.
I took small steps, debating whether this is the right person to go to at this moment while approaching his house. My fingers trembling, I rang the bell twice. I had an uneasy feeling creeping into my abdomen. I but my lip nervously while waiting for the door to open. In a while, Ian appeared in front of me swaying the door open. I glanced at him, perturbed. His hair was dishevelled and he had an oversized shirt on with baggy trousers. As soon as our eyes met, his face went blank as if I was the last person he expected to see at his door. He wasn't delighted to see me of course. He cleared his throat, adjusting his hair.
"Gabriel I wasn't expecting to see you"
He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Hi Ian"
I forced a small smile.
His house was well-kept and clean for a young man living alone. His parents were working in another country.
30 minutes later
"I hope you're not involving me in some kind of crazy girlfriend boyfriend arguments-"
"No... No... its serious"
I interrupted Ian a little too agitated and started playing with a strand of my hair, circling it around my finger nervously.
He straightened himself, legs crossed, studying the text from my phone.
"No wonder you were acting so wierd... 11 October 2020... 5.13 pm."
He muttered to himself.
I had been off duty since my breakup which was unlike me until I resumed yesterday.
"I'm really having a hard time with everything...it's so hopelessly messed up"
I was least bothered to wanting to brush off how miserable and helpless I've been feeling the past days. I was relieved to be able to talk to him openly.
"You can't report him missing since he clearly said he wants to be gone and... That means he is gone on his accord and not taken", a scowl visible on his face as he spoke.
My brain cells were really messed up, entangled with each other.
"Coward" He mumbled, his eyebrows were knitted into frustration, he scratched his nape anxiously.
"Though this is wierd. Something about this is bugging me. Why did he leave you if he really loved you? Did you try to contact him?"He added, still pinning his eyes on the screen.
I nodded as if he could see me.
"That was the first thing I did. I've been calling him since then. No answer."
He just evaporated as if he never existed.
"He just disappeared. Did you try to find him at his place?"
Why was he wasting time asking dumb questions?
"Come on...I tried...I'm still trying very hard, searching up and down. From his friends to his colleagues but nothing. His car was gone. No results."
I inhaled deeply.
"We bought an apartment. We were staying together. We were happy"
I gulped at the happy and precious memories of us playing in my mind, now making me upset and in pain. Averting my gaze away, I tried not to cry again.
"Okay, tell me from the beginning!"
"The day before this text, we had a latte on our way back home...around 10 pm. The next day, he was not there...it was wierd. He would always tell me or text me...or even stick a note. When he finally replied, he sent me this..." I pointed my index finger to the phone.
I breathed hard as I remembered the second I read this text on my phone.
"This so called... break up text. I hurried back home to knock some sense into him when I realized his clothes were gone. In my own world of grief, it never dawned on me to ask his parents. Yesterday, when I mustered the courage and called his mother. Her talks made it seem that Eli was neither at her place. Nor his father had any idea."
I waited for him to absorb my blabbering.
"Anything strange with him or did you guys fight over something?"
"We hardly fought. There isn't any conversation that I haven't replayed with him the last few days...before he left. I searched for any likely reason he could just end up everything, every little thing I may have told him that could have led him to make this decision."
Tears flooded my eyes again.
"Are you sure?"
"I can't seem to find one" I nodded.
I ran my fingers through my hair.
"He could have at least given me some excuse. It may have been less awful. If something was wrong, we could have worked on it together. I've been so desperate since he's gone."
I least cared how pathetic this would make me look in front of Ian.
"I am sorry. I thought you wouldn't want to talk about what was bothering you. I should have been there a long time before-"
"It's fine"
I was not sure if I could sense a pain in his voice but I wouldn't have even let anyone close to me at that time, to see my pain. My pain is intimate and I'd prefer suffer alone.
"Did he pack his suitcase?"
"There are still some of his clothes and belongings left," I replied.
"He left in a hurry"
His statement was more like a question.
"Maybe, he wasn't sure about the date or whether to go or not!" he added.
As much as I thought I knew Eli, he was always sure of whatever he wanted to do.
"He left his work related documents and more important stuffs like his birth certificate. I thought he would be back to take them. He took his passport, license and his wallet, ID, though."
Does it make any sense?
I sighed, confused. He took his passport to leave the country. But how on earth could he be applied in any company without the necessary documents, certificates etc for a job?
"Gabriel think really hard for a moment. It doesn't look like an ordinary break up to me"Ian said, with a concerned look.
"I don't know about you. But to me, it seemed like he loves you dearly and...and he was been forced to break up with you," he added.
He pointed at the text message.
"'Don't forget me.' such a daring jerk. Still this isn't the kind of thing a person does without thinking about it for a while at least. Though he had been planning to go... It may have been that he had been pushing the date to gain more time with you and reflect on what he should do. Finally, he left quickly so he wouldn't change his mind. And why did he put so much thought to dump someone?" he leaned on his chair.
"What are you trying to say?"
He sighed and handed me the phone.
"I can't pick it up yet but there's something behind this text!"
He took a sip of his coffee.
"Actually you can help me. I know I'm asking much but please...All I want to know is that he is okay. I last heard about him since a...month. I don't wanna involve you in any other way in this."
"Please, I've got to do this. I've no one else to ask for help" I was literally begging.
He wrinkled his forehead in deep thoughts. Both of us sat in silence.
"Is it because of the baby?"
All the air in my lungs got sucked out at this question or statement coming out of Ian's mouth. Is it because of the baby?
Three days later
Sinking into my chair, I stared at the clock. 2.13 pm. Glancing over my report lazily, I handed it to my superior, Mr Hartley. I've been dealing with the pain of his perceptible absence for a while now. And since I've known about Eli's disappearance, I have been in constant fear.
His car had been spotted near an abondoned orphanage. As if it was left behind deliberately. Since then, he was not captured in any CCTV camera. He hid himself well. But I hadn't lose hope. Vibrations from my phone in my pocket snapped me out of my thoughts. Ian was calling. Maybe he has some news for me.
"Nearby Cafe. We're meeting a friend." He commanded and hung up.
At the coffee shop, Cafe
"Andrew, Gabriella. Gabriella-" Ian announced, his expression nonchalant.
"Andrew" he introduced as he shaked my hand.
"That car... That black edition... Oh my God... Is that yours?" he grinned cheerfully pointing towards my parked car, his eyes sparkling.
Andrew, a teen dressed in an oversized black shirt tucked in his blue shorts barely reaching his knees. A cap covering his eyes. Hideous.
"Yeah", I smiled at him.
Eli gifted me the car on my birthday. Cracking the knuckles of his fingers, he began typing something on the keyboard, with a casual and cool expression.
"This act won't be entertained again."I pressed my lips.
This was illegal without a warrant to access public details. He nodded a bit nervous while Ian held back his laughter.
I fidgeted nervously with the lace of my jacket. I've always trusted Eli. I never wanted to pry in his privacy though we had a transparent relationship where we'd never hide anything from each other but his disappearance was creeping me out.
"Did you find anything?" I asked for the second time.
"The last text being the last one he sent you. After that, nothing" He replied blankly.
"No payments for his credit card. Inactive on social media. Dead silence after 11 October. He calls you awfully often. I can say he wasn't cheating on you for sure. One woman man" he scoffed.
I pressed my lips.
"I guess you have a Pandora ring on its way on you guys' anniversary coming in a few months. Maybe a surprise for you"
He looked at me smiling as if reassuring me that my man loved me. We still broke up though.
Was Eli going to propose to me on our anniversary?
I imagine myself saying yes with the tears all while jumping on him. I choked on my saliva.
After a while, confused at first, he parted his lips.
"Were you aware of him having another apartment?" he asked me dryly.
Deciphering the confused look on my face, he turned to Ian.
"I'm texting you the address"
Turning back to me, his expressions softened a bit.
"I'm afraid I can't do anything more to help you. I can see that you really did like that dude."
I gave them a weak smile, trying to convey how I was grateful for their help. They stared at me, not sure what to say. Why do I see pity in their eyes?
"Thank you. I really appreciate your help. I guess...I really need to...go now. So yeah, bye" my voice cracked.
With that, I spun on my heels and rushed outside the coffee shop, footsteps approaching me behind.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
My fingers glued to the wheel and my other hand gripping the changing gears tightly, I kept driving. My knuckles were pale. We were going to break into Eli's apartment. At first, I thought it was wrong but right now, nothing is deemed more correct than finding him. Ian kept looking at me every now and then. My body relaxed a bit at the thought of actually finding him just at home as I pulled up in front of Eli's address.
The receptionist told us that the room number 302 was on the 6th floor. We took the elevator, barely sharing glances. Still 3rd floor.
He exhaled quite audibly, breaking me from my trance. He had been quiet all this time.
"What is it?"
I arched my eyebrow at him.
"Why did you hurt yourself?"
In a relatively low voice, he asked as he pinned his gaze to the floor, a slight frown on his face. I realised he may have noticed the fresh cut marks on my wrist.
"Do you think he would come back if you cut yourself?"
I didn't feel like saying anything. Judging someone and keeping yourself in the other one shoes are a choice. We finally arrived on the 6th floor. The doors opened.
I stepped out of the elevator.
"Are you coming?"
I wasn't in the mood of any explanation or anything. Walking up to the door with a deep breath,...room number 302. As the camera went turned 180 degrees to the left. Ian attempted to open the door successfully. And when it returned back on us, we were done. He shoved his small and useful gadget into his pocket. An unpleasant feeling built up in my upper abdomen.
Should I really do this? Would Eli hate me for this? He kept this apartment as his private matter though we've been together for so long. It was heartbreaking. He didn't want me to know whatever was behind this door. I tried to contain all of my fears. My quivering hand reached the door handle and grabbed the knob. I took a few calming breaths though it wasn't really lulling my racing heart.
Whatever was awaiting for me behind that door would either give me hope or break it. I closed my eyes. Please be inside. I felt Ian's fingers encircling my idle hand. I looked at the door as he held my hand tighter. He is inside safe and sound. A glimpse of hope lighted up my mind, lifting the burden off my chest at once yet my heart picking up its pace.
Closing the door behind us, I glanced around anxiously. It was what my worst fears warned me about, something I had pleaded to not happen. Completely different from what I had imagined. My smile faded. It is completely empty. No Eli.
It was then I saw a photo frame of a happy couple sitting over the sofa. He was there in the picture with a girl. She had enveloped her arms around his neck with a smile tugging at her lips as she sat in the lap of the man she loved so dearly... Pure happiness shone in her blue eyes while his eyes admired her with such love and passion. The girl looked a lifetime away. That smile pricked my heart. His fingers were tangled in her hair pushing it away her face as a breeze pulled them over through the gap between his fingers. The other arm slung around her waist.
It was one of the best days in my life and that's the happiest I've ever been.. with him.
I gripped the picture so tight, hugging it to my chest, close to my heart, breathing hard. A picture on the day of our anniversary, two years back. That was when it hit me that I would probably never see him again.
We were happy. Why couldn't we always stay happy? What could have been the reason he decided to end 'us'? Why am I feeling so helpless? These thoughts kept whirling in my brain. I let my eyes close gently as I still held it close to my weeping heart. I desperately wanted him to return to me. I was exhausted, very tired. I wanted freedom. Freedom from the emotional pain I've been experiencing...from his memories...
Opening my eyes, sharing a glance a last time, I tossed the picture against the wall. It broke with scattered pieces on the floor. I hustled out of the apartment with Ian, perplexed. Before Ian could enter the elevator, I closed the doors quickly and allowed myself to fall on the cold floor. My head felt heavy. Why do I have to love someone this hard? This is not a typical romantic show with all these emotional cliche and true love stuff. I was a somebody before I met him and I still am but why does it feel everything has changed. I feel lonely and incomplete without him as if my world just crumbled down again. I started weeping.
This is it.
This is when I realized something terrible must have happened to him.
Back home
The bedroom looked quiet with evaporated happiness and old memories residing. I can't fucking do anything about this. He was gone, dead or whatever. Never will I ever see his smile again, touch him, hug him, hear his voice. I heard quiet steps as Ian approached me slowly.
"Gabriel" he called me softly.
My chest heaved as I gasped for air, my finger curled up in a fist.
"I'm not okay Ian. I don't know, just anything to let me know he is alive. I...wanna-"
I was broken.
Realizing something terrible might have happened to him, made me terrified. Fear clutched my throat. Ian's eyes showed a glimpse of pity. My limbs feel heavy...languid, my hand reached out to grab the edge of the table for support to propel my suddenly weak body.
Ian pulled me into his embrace. I swat my fist against his chest weakly. I couldn't feel my strength anymore. I crumbled down into his arms, letting out all my bottled up emotions. I was tired of fighting this pain. My breathing slowed down as exhaustion and desolation swept through me. I held onto him hard, sniffling.
I was all alone to face this heartbreak. I was so exhausted to walking into the delusion that maybe this was a dream or a misunderstanding and maybe a mistake.
But it wasn't. It wasn't an accident. Everything was crystal clear.
"Relax...can you just breathe love?" He shushed me, stroking my hair gently.
"That's right. Breathe"he said though I could feel his heartbeat racing.
He also knew something was wrong. I noticed he strengthened his grip around me as I tumble even deeper into his arms. As my breathing became normal again slowly and my sobbing quietened down, he loosened his grip around me. I wiped my tears.
I want you to see that I'm not giving up on us... on you. Was it hard to love me the way I loved you? I want you to know even after everything that happened I still want you back. I can't ever unlove you. I've been feeling this void since he's gone and it just keeps on deepening with each second. My hope of finding him keeps crushing cruelly every time.
"Can you leave me alone?"
I suppressed the urge to push him away. I repulsed every touch on my body that was not Eli's. That's how much effect and poser he had over me even though he's long gone from my life. The one I wanted the most to stay didn't.
He drove me home. Now, he has to get out of here. I was trying damn hard to not become a sobbing mess in front of him again .
"If you want me to stay, just tell me"
With that I realized I told him to get away when I was the one gripping on his collar tightly.
I pulled away and backed some steps till my back knocked lightly against the wall.
"I really don't want you to be alone right now"
He said it close to a whisper.
"Please go"
"Take care of yourself. I'm just one call away. You know you can count on me"
I knew he was asking me not to hurt myself but I wasn't the least bothered.
"I just hope everything turns out okay and he's... fine" he gulped.
I nodded silently as a nerve wrecking thought suddenly crossed my mind.
But is Eli really is fine, that would mean he really did broke up with me. And I'll really never see him nor touch him again.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and bit nervously on my lip.
"Thank you Ian"
I mouthed silently and he nodded at me.
Yesterday I got to thinking about Eli and I as I ran across our old pictures. Every moment that now felt fake. I did everything, asked in the neighborhood, asked his friends again. He had a small circle of friends. I visited possible places he could have been. I even tapped his last phone calls but in vain. Nothing. His sim could never be traced. He disappeared as if he never existed. He could have been outside the country by a fake identity but why? He had the choice to stay or leave. And he chose to leave. With that, hours turned into days, days into weeks.
As much as I want to find you and bring you back home safe and sound, I wish you are fine wherever you are and happy.
Celebrating Christmas is the last thing I wish to do.
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
4 March 2021
I didn't realize he could have been this important in my life. Nothing made sense anymore. I scoffed and poured myself a glass of whiskey. It was torture to untangle myself from his memories every time. Every night, I would sleep on his side so I could find some solace... to an empty, cold bed. How I wished Xander wasn't still training at this particular time. I downed the liquid in three big gulps and poured myself another drink.
The glass was a breath away from my mouth when I paused. I noticed the file lying on the bed, at the very attached picture on that particular page which was coming out of the piles of papers. The file must have opened when I threw it on the bed. Placing my glass on the table, I pulled out the paper and analyzed it. My gut churned at the sight of a human like this. So cruel. The old woman had a chunk of her breast being torn while her eyeballs were missing. I didn't miss the smile being sewed on her face with seven crosses. My jaw clenched at the very sight. But from the looks of it, he seemed to be a surgeon. His hands must be really cared for for such precision in the sewing. But, he should have an assistant with him to remove the eyeballs. They weren't ripped out of their sockets hastily, instead it was done with great delicacy, care and time.
Organ trafficking? There must have been powerful people involved in this then. Backing him up. It requires an intense gut to kill someone and most probable a blown mind. It was terrible. She was raped and brutally killed with no remorse. Her dead corpse was stabbed with a knife a couple of times. The hatred didn't end even after he inflicted atrocious acts on her, tortured her and killed her. Like a frustrated animal.
What was the motive behind for an educated doc to resort to such heinous acts?
I got a notification from Ian.
Ian:
(Should I grab some midnight snacks and come over?)
Me:
(I'm not hungry. Thanks for caring though)
Ian:
(As much as I wanted to come over.. I'll believe you if you say so)
He knew I had insomnia. He'd been trying to bring me food at night many times. He was the leader who had always been rooting for me since I joined the FBI after serving the army. I still remember my first day which was two years back, the people's eyes would widen in surprise whenever I flexed my arms. 'She's got some iron arms'.
There's always a story why someone wants to be stronger. A painful one.
Me:
(I was currently studying the case of that old woman)
Ian:
(We could work on it. You should.. To keep your mind busy but don't overworked yourself. Please)
I didn't miss the pleading tone in the message.
Jules Pirama. Ian could know details of the victims by heart. He was so dedicated and engrossed in his works that I often thought of him not having a personal life beside work anymore.
The irony. I was that person now. I had no personal life.
Eliana:
(That fucking crappy shitty surgeon need to have his balls cut off. He must be a sadist to be this animalistic)
Owen:
(With no manhood, he would easily drawn into depression. His male ego would burst)
Lara:
(I'm loving the idea of it since he loved fucking people so much)
Ian:
(Gab would join us tomorrow)
Eliana:
(We're meeting for lunch)
Kevin:
(You're coming tom Gabriel?)
Me:
(No! Have fun tho')
One question lingered in my mind. Why would someone rape an old woman if there was a young girl in that very house? Rapists would usually go for young women and especially virgins. The latters were considered as agents to boost their male ego and satisfy their lust crazily. People can't even afford to get out of their house without having to fear for their lives. A killer was roaming freely. Bullshit. A rapist or rapists.
Fuck this.
I would spend my days and nights at work working again like a mad person who only visited his house once upon a time. It was then I started suffering from insomnia. Nothing about this pain was new. I'm used to pain and suffering. The air was so much easier to breathe and the pain seemed tolerable when he was here by my side. When he was here. Past tense. No longer showing my emotions, no longer shedding a tear, penting up all my feelings, I spent long hours at work, overtime, over-exhausting myself, hanging at pubs by myself. Slowly, I realized that Eli still ghosted an entire wall among the fragments of thoughts. Getting over him was not easy at all.