Now it was just us on the deck, staring out over the river and watching as the sun slowly descended below the horizon, illuminating the waters in a gorgeous array of oranges, reds and purples.
The gentle breeze slid smoothly across our skin, carrying the sweet scent of the orchard as well as the crisp Spring air that made breathing a delight... and yet the only thing I could really care about scent wise was the smell of strawberries wafting off of Camara, who sat on the lounge chair beside me.
It was silent between us, and where it had once been a comfortable, warm silence that I relished with every passing second I couldn't help but notice that there was a tension and unfamiliarity in it now that just... it hurt.
It hurt even more knowing that I had not only caused it but that I should have known better, that I had all the knowledge of a past life to draw on to make sure things like this didn't happen; of course I had never had a devoted and lovely futanari bear my child and proclaim their love for me nightly, but I knew better than this.
This was a pain that made me ache in ways no physical thing could ever manage; it tugged on my heart at random and filled me with this uncomfortable agony that had me stunned as I tried to figure out what to say and do.
Did I apologize and explain everything, did I just proclaim I loved her and that this wouldn't happen again, do I lead with a more stable approach or lean into how this makes me feel knowing I had done wrong by her?
But that was also my problem, wasn't it?
How I thought and thought about these things but just... never did anything to solve it..?
Trying to tear my eyes off of the water and sunset was a challenge on its own, but when I turned to look at the silent Deerkin sitting just beside me, staring at the water and resting her chin on her knee, I didn't know if I could do it.
Would I disappoint her or make this worse; was it better to use actions instead of words to try and show my apology, or should I just explain it to her and start laying out how I was going to try and do better going forwards?
Indecision wracked my mind and froze my body for a second, but hearing her sigh softly and turn slightly away from me felt like someone plunged a knife straight into my heart; a white hot knife meant to punish me for my idiocy and nothing else, spreading the agonizing heat of incompetence as far as it could go.
I hated how it felt and I hated myself even more, but perhaps it was that raw emotion of disgust and anger at myself that helped spur me on as I just... stopped thinking and decided to act.
Crossing the distance between us and sitting down behind her, I tentatively wrapped my arms around her in a hug before whispering "Goddesses above I am such a dumbass..." as I rested my brow against the back of her head.
Camara remained silent, but I felt her rest a hand on my forearm, like she was telling me to go on while also telling me she knew that I was such a fucking imbecile for everything I had done... and that first part was enough to give me hope.
"I'm so, so sorry Camara... I'm so sorry that I'm so damn selfish and stupid, that I would think this would just be fine and nothing was to come of it... That neglecting you like this happened at all, it's inexcusable...
Perhaps I... No, I have been taking you for granted, knowing that no matter what you would always be here waiting because this is home for us both. I've stopped thinking of you as the partner I need to cherish and instead somehow delegated you as a constant presence that would never go away..."
I didn't really know what I was saying or what I should be saying, so I just rambled along whatever worked its way onto my tongue until she eventually stopped me with a pinch, letting her speak her piece as she remained there in my arms.
"You have neglected me, Aethisia, and there is only so much I am willing to accept before it becomes too much. Do I hate that you went out and found another woman to sleep with? No, not really; that doesn't bother me at all since sex is just... a giant part of who we are thanks to Mama.
No, what I cannot accept is that you constantly rush off to her for the entire day. You leave early in the morning, spend the entire day with her then come back to me reeking of another woman, content and happy with everything you've done... while I am here, with Melia."
That knife twisted itself in my heart as I heard her speak the name of our daughter, making my entire body shake a little as I tried to hold back the emotions rushing through me; the stable tone she spoke with and how she said everything was just... too much, but perhaps I needed even more.
"I don't say this lightly, but... there is only so much I can deal with, Aethisia. So much I can accept before it becomes too much. If you cannot find it in you to be present now while she is merely a baby, fine. If that continues into when she is a girl, that is when I will have had enough.
You are a Dama alongside being my mate, Aethisia, and you need to start acting like it. This family is open to so much, yes, but I myself can only be open for so long. I am thankful that no matter what happens Melia will grow up with a Dama, but I would rather it be you than our own Dama."
Another twist of the knife, but this one sent a roiling surge of fiery anger throughout me at the thought of being 'replaced' by Dama... but I bit my tongue and swallowed it down since... well, she was right.
At the end of the day what truly mattered was the girl we had brought into this world together, and that girl deserved to have both nurturing figures in her life; Camara would be there no matter what, but the other one... it was supposed to be me, but if I kept it up it would be Dama.
I wanted to be angry at the idea of Dama taking Camara from me but I couldn't actually take ahold of that anger and give it a place to reside since it was warranted; if Camara so chose then there was nothing to be done.
"I want it to be me too, Camara... my love... I want it badly... I swear it will NEVER happen again, on everything... I swear it..."
Gently knocking my head against hers, I held her tighter and held back a few tears as she murmured "It's the only chance you have left for now, Aethisia...", the sudden issuing of an ultimatum making sure I understood just how serious this was.
After all, I had been galavanting around all willy nilly like there was nothing else going on in the world besides the things happening to me, all while they had very much been happening and held real consequences.
Consequences that I was going to take responsibility for because the idea of losing this hurt a little too much...
"Aethisia, I didn't want to do this, but... you forced it. Understand that, alright..? And... how about we move down to the water before dinner is ready..?"
I swallowed down the remaining turmoil inside of myself as she suggested that, able to reaffirm my oath to myself and clad it in iron as those muddy red eyes looked up at me, filled with the usual warmth and mirth that I had taken for granted... but not anymore.