Hey guys, damn it has been months since I update or written any chapter for this book and have been absent for months now, and I felt obligated to inform you now, considering how many people have read and enjoyed my book so far and I am thankful for it all
To tell the truth, I have been suffering from Pure-O OCD, primarily obsessive compulsive disorder from August or September 2024. It's a disorder which causes my mind to always make me think and ruminate over things that are illogical in nature and causes me distress, anxiety, fear and other emotions that I don't like, and even if the thought is illogical it is a compulsion.
You will have to read about it on the net to learn about it in more detail cause I don't know how to explain it clearly.
At first I didn't realise I had it, chalking up my ruminations to my imagination, until the last week February 2025 when I happened to hear about OCD during a church event and checked it out of curiosity, to then realise that everything that I have been experiencing are the symptoms of the disorder.
My Pure-O seems to have taken NTR as the focus of the disorder, and do you know what that means for me? It means that I am forced to remember the ntr doujins I had read and it is debilitating, time consuming, brain energy and tiring and when it first started and I had no idea about it, I would just think about the page again and again to remember the exact details of how it looked and even after I had managed to imagine it completely, I would then feel the need to do it again. Endless rumination, and it went on for weeks, perhaps even past a month before it had stopped and that was one single doujin.
Due to being unaware of it, I was thrust into another one and after it was done, an NTR doujin I had read before this began surfaced in my mind and I was unable to do anything clearly since I always felt the need to remember it again and again, and this was during February I tell you.
Basically, Pure-O makes me ruminate over things I hate and this causes me to feel anxiety, disgust, hate, anger, helplessness, hopelessness and other negative emotions and it is like my mind itself is against me. I hate it but I can't do anything about it.
And you would be thinking, why didn't I go to a psychologist or psychiatrist, well, I did tell my parents about this problem, and instead of researching and taking me to an actual psychologist they took me to an acupuncture doctor who studied a bit of psychology and the man said that he can help me with hypnosis and that I am not suffering from anything like I believed. News flash, it didn't work, but I had to act like it did before it was too much as I knew that it wasn't working.
The doctor also told me keep away from my phone, while also resulted in my family not only taking my phone, but deleting my apps and games without my consent, and taking the phone as well. Obviously I was very angry at that as to them they are not that worthwhile, but for me the games and apps that I use have value and I got angry, which is also when I realised that my family was treating me like I had gone crazy and insane.
Even now, my mother would talk about how I had asked my uncle angrily to give me back my phone, saying that it is proof that I had lost my mind due to mobile. Well, news flash, I was angry yes, but I still restrained myself, I didn't physically attack anyone or anything, I asked for my phone back and even if it was in anger, I felt that it was pretty justified for me to do that.
They think that it is due to my phone and what I watch that I was like that, and I have to disagree, cause I don't think that's true, as my OCD is selective in what it chooses. Most of the time it was doujins, sometimes it's anime scenes that I would dislike, find uncomfortable, or even in real life as I ruminate over it in my mind. They feel that they are soo right to blame it all on mobile.
I am in India so I think that also has an influence on their decision, because I don't think mental illnesses are taken that seriously here, and considering how quick my family were to assume that I had gone insane after I told them about my condition, I don't want to risk it by telling them.
There was that one time my mother had made an appointment with a psychologist online and when I did tell her about my symptoms, she said that it might not be what I believe it to be, which entirely baffled me as it is her job to actually identify these things.
I had to self evaluate myself over the things I had experienced in MONTHS to realise what I am experiencing, and this psychologist didn't know. Either she is a bad one, or OCD is not known even amongst them, and I don't know which is worse. I think there is a stigma for mental illnesses in my country, but it's not like I can just ask others.
Also, when I first asked to be shown to a psychologist, my parents told me that they will diagnose me as crazy and give me tablets for life or put me in a room for the rest of my life, I don't know whether that's true or not, but I am not going to find out, cause I have lost faith in my family and doctors for this.
So, after the "treatment" from the acupuncture doctor, if you can even call if that, I have been acting like I am normal, which I am not, and I have been suffering from a doujin I had read in the past before this all began for 10 months! That's right, the doujin had a lot of chapters and me being the normal kid who hated NTR I am, read it to know the story, I hated it and then forgot about it, and it didn't affect me, until of course my OCD took it as the perfect candidate.
The doujin is the "Saimin no Kiseki" series by Sanatuki, an NTR/Hypnosis artists, and I hate their stories, especially since they don't create original characters but use existing series like Trails of Cold Steel series, Apothecary Diaries Demon Slayer, and other anime, game and manga and show the characters in such horrible ways, and I hate them more because of this illness of mine.
Why can't these f*cking ntr artists just make something good with their art!? And even if you are making NTR, create original characters instead of using ones created by others and showing them in the way you bastards do!?
And I was stuck thinking about it and ruminating over each page, each face, each character, each girl, each position of their bodies, facial features, HAIR, FACE, EYES, MOUTH, TONGUE, again and again and again and again for months without an end in sight. Even though I knew that the scenario in the doujin was something that was unlikely to happen, it didn't matter as Pure-O is an illogical disorder and will cause the affected to feel anxiety from just about anything!
It doesn't matter if I believe it to be impossible, I will still have the urge, the compulsion to ruminate over it, and I will also absolutely feel anxiety everytime I think about it , even if I know I shouldn't I feel anxiety and other negative emotions and feelings everytime I think about it and it just doesn't stop and it's all mental so it isn't like people aside from myself know about it.
It was only recently when that doujin was put to rest in my mind but I'm still f*cking scared of it and what do you know, another one decided to take its place in my mind! Why did it have to be me for Gods sake!
And do you know the most f*cked part about this thing is? There is no cure! That's right, since this is a mental disorder and not a physical one where people can analyse it, so there is no cure for it, and the ones affected by it have to deal with it themselves.
Do you know what it feels like? To have your own mind against you? Making you obsess and do things you find uncomfortable and make you feel negative emotions and ruminate over it as it becomes compulsive to get some peace of mind, and to only get that peace for a bit before it starts again?!
I think my mind is against me most of the time as I can't control my thoughts, compulsions as I won't feel calm or peaceful until I ruminate over it, and this has happened a lot!
I will be honest with you all, many times I have thought about just ending it all, cause if I do that then I don't have to deal with this anymore you know. And it's not like my family is any help, as they think that I am crazy, blame my use of phone as the reason, and even make fun of me for not being able to control my thoughts. Well, sorry, it's not my fault that I got a mental disorder and you all don't even think that it exists, since you're all normal! I would like to see them last as much as I have when their own mind is against them.
And it doesn't help that I have to act like I am a normal person all the time, everytime! From the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, I can't let anyone know about this, I have to be normal if I want to be treated as normal. Even at school, outside and around family, I can't let it slip no matter what, cause I don't want to be treated like I am a crazy person, because if they do, I don't know if I will be able to control myself.
Now, I am not still alive right now because of family, my relationships are not that great and we have a bit of a distance and the way my parents and family reacted to my plead for help has also impacted me. I am also an introvert so I don't have too many people, which is good to an extent cause I don't think I can handle people interactions on top of this as well, it will leave me mentally drained. And the illogical thoughts and anxiety and negative feelings and emotions are not ones that I want.
I am still alive because of games, anime, movies, books, and the entertainment genre, basically this is what is allowing me to continue living, not school or family or friends, cause they don't know what I'm going through and I don't feel comfortable about it. I am 21, and I still want to live and see more things that come to this genre and I want to at least get some success as well.
My parents are also disappointed in me because I don't get good marks in my class, it's not that bad, I don't fail, it's above average, but considering the fact that I have been secretly enduring this, I think I did pretty well. Not like they know anything about it, as I only hear them tell me about how much of a disappointment I am, a failure of a son, a student, shaming them in front of my mother's friends because their children got higher marks and jobs while I am doing my Masters in English Literature and they think it's oh so easy because I understand English very well and it's not! They are angry at me, they scream at me for how I turned out and that I am not a good son and that I am wasting their money and hard work by being a bum of a student and son and after almost a decade of misfortunes, I have grown wary, and tired of it all, to the point that I don't even care about what they say anymore.
I enjoy writing, reading, watching anime, movies and playing and watching games, and these things are what is helping me to stave off the depression from my life, I have some friends but I can't tell them about this, not after what I had experienced. The continued phone usage also helps me with my Pure-O is some manner as well.
I enjoy writing for people and seeing how happy they are at reading my things and I just wish that I can lead a happy life, which is already difficult when you have a mental illness during college.
Everytime I have to act like I am normal, like I am completely fine, when my mind is always alive with unwanted thoughts that I can't control and don't have the control to have a peace of mind that I had. I don't have full control over my mind, that I am unable to stop my unwanted thoughts from appearing and the compulsions as well, even if I don't want them to exist, but they do!
And after maturing and growing, I think I don't mind even killing children, you know from doujins which have child antagonists, and usually in the past I just didn't think about it as considered them children. But now? I don't give a damn about them, if they do those despicable things, I will kill them, with my own hands as I will watch them die a death lower than a dogs and show them that ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES, AND THAT BEING CHILDREN WILL SAVE THEM FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS! If the child has done bad things, enjoyed it very well despite knowing how it is, without influence from third parties, I am killing them. I know I am talking about doujin but if they are despicable enough then they deserve. We don't need weeds that will harm the world and the good people that live in it to grow and became dangers to others and I feel very happy when I think about a bastard child getting what they deserve. It doesn't truly matter to me if it's a child, teenager, adult or elderly, if they did fucked up things, then they will get their consequences, AGE BE DAMNED!
Yeah, I can't exactly excuse the actions of children anymore and they have to accept the consequences of their own actions whether they like it or not. And I hope that the current children of the world aren't as stupid as they are shown in media and internet, and taking up toxic ideologies as well.
Am I crazy? I don't think I am? I think I am pretty sane, and while I'm not normal due to the secret mental illness, I still have my sanity, my morality, my beliefs, my wishes, and I think I have a sane mind. But people also say that crazy people can't know when they're crazy, this includes my family as well mind you, like my mother, so am I crazy and lost my mind or not?
I don't think I am, I am still a good person and i just want to live a good life, maybe even get a girlfriend and wide in the future who will support me, cause I am literally alone in this situation.
So, what do you all think of me and my mental state?