How do I develop the motivation to stop being miserable?
How do I move from this place where I'm stuck and trapped? It's not a physical trap that I could escape from. Even if it were I doubt I would even try very hard to find a way out. That's how stagnant I have become.
I cannot escape my pathetic and self-loathing mind.
So what do I do?
It's not enough to know you want to get better.
And it's not enough knowing you have to get better.
How do you put that plan into action? Where does the first step start? Where does the discipline come from? Why is it so easy to fall back into bad habits?
Even though I hate being where I am now, evidently I'm not hating it enough to do anything about it. Or I don't feel as if I can do anything about it.
What we do not change, we choose. But is it really choosing when you don't have the mental fortitude to better yourself? Is it really a matter of choice when you feel as if moving forward and getting better is nothing but a fleeting dream which seems further and further out of your reach.
One which scares you even as your heart yearns for it.
How long can you hold onto the hope for change without making any progress before you realize that the safety net you been laying on all this time has now trapped you. You no longer feel safe, but rather the trap becomes your home.
A reality which seems endless.
Even one thing would be better than nothing at all. If I could even achieve one goal, it would help me so much. It would give my broken spirit the boost it desperately needs.
But each time I get on the bike, I get off. Pedal forward a fraction of the distance I want to go and give up.
I think and think so much I don't want to do anything. Starting tasks, even those I know are so simple is a no go zone for me.
I've learned to complicate the uncomplicated.
Overanalyze the mundane.
Discipline and happiness are so far away. The comforts of my self-created safety net is a poorly disguised hellhole. A ticking bomb which came close to going off only a year ago.
I wish to be strong and independent. I hate to rely on others. I hate asking for help. I hate showing vulnerability or fragility.
I do not wish for anyone to expect anything from me either. I do not want love, care or attention. I don't want to have to show up. An extreme form of selfishness.
Misery does not love company. Not mine anyway.