On the way home, I go to the kindergarten and pick up Mikan. It's relaxing walking back home from school with Mikan. I think I can bear going back to school again.
We then go back home, have dinner, and play games for a while. At night, I go to bed with Mikan. After confirming she's sleeping, I travel to Earth. It seems like it'll be New Year for 2023.
It's now the turn of my three Servants to participate in this event. We change into Kimono and go to a nearby place where you can see the fireworks. I wear a black kimono, Artoria wears a blue one, Altera wears a green one and Atalanta wears a red one.
They look beautiful in kimonos. I wonder if Fate's fans will die to see this scene. But I guess they won't. Online artists exist for a reason.
'But there will be people who are depressed and take this chance as a way to leave life a cool way. So the chance isn't 0.'
I arrive at the temple and look at the scene of people talking. People's excitement as 2022 passes, and I feel empty as usual looking at that scene.
'Why are you happy as the year pass? You will continue living a repeated life after today. It's only an event.'
I don't enjoy this type of event because it has no meaning in this large galaxy and universe. Different worlds, different realities, when you see them, life starts to lose its meaning. I let out a worn smile, thinking I was a bit pessimistic. But these thoughts come from side-effects of a lot of things.
'I saw some 'truth' about reality. It let me know that my life is worthless.'
I had a few choices after seeing them. I either suicide after seeing the 'truth' or embracing the truth. I subconsciously take the latter way. Who wants to die meaninglessly? After making that decision, I saw and learned things I couldn't comprehend. And me losing emotions is a way for me to survive.
'I was rather lucky since I'm weak-minded and can control my memories to some extent. I was able to live because I had forgotten my true self. Why need a useless ego that disturbs your way of surviving? And I got the ability I called Subconscious Change.'
Another side effect is I live empty every day, except for necessary feelings. I live like a puppet, a puppet who wants to have a story or participate in others' stories.
I sighed as it worked somehow, but at what cost? I start to doubt my humanity, my purpose in life, my sanity, my sense of self, and others. I live in a constant refresh state. My memories turn into text, black-and-white pictures, and old muted videos.
Although I can see color like usual, I remember things in black and white. At that point, I wonder what defines a 'human' in the first place. How can you describe a 'human' in the first place? Those thoughts appear in my mind over and over. I then decide to abandon living as a 'human' on Earth.
Since living as a 'human' is too bothersome, I live as a character in other people's life: failed first-love boyfriend, an attention-seeking person, an edgy teenager, a filial child, a depressed person... I can see myself being mentally ill, but I don't care about it anymore. Surviving is more important.
I also read some other 'me' proving their existence in their way. Imperfect King tries to be perfect and goes on an endless journey of learning, and perfecting everything is the best example. I respect his way of living.
I made my choice and became the Library Administrator. It's the way to participate in others' stories without feeling unnatural. I'll live in the Library eternally. It was my wish. And living in this anime world, living in this fiction is a vacation for me before taking my job in the Library for eternal.
'Since this world isn't real and starts from anime or game. I can think of this as a story, not a life I need to take responsibility for.'
Me living in this fictional world will be my story for the future. Living happily and forever feels empty for me. I'll die someday. I can be sure of it. Like others 'me' living in different worlds, their life ends at some point.
They either die and sleep for eternity in the Library. Or revive and live differently from before. Or still on their endless journey for their purpose. There should be other Administrators before me. And they either have their travel. Or sleep eternally in the Library.
The Library didn't need any Administrators, so we could do anything and didn't have to worry about any responsibility. My life is still useless even if I become an Administrator. I then feel the warmth from my Servants holding my hands and hugging me from behind.
I can see their care for me. I smile and hope this moment will have color in my memories in the future. And I also have these thoughts intentionally to appear sad and have their favorable increase. I appreciate the beautiful fireworks with them.
We then go home and eat delicious food together. Equipping the Egg Shield, my Cooking skill temporarily increased to level 2, and the food I cooked tasted rather good. Since I'm still in a child body, they don't let me cook entirely and help me a bit. It's a warming moment to spend time with them.
This moment made me rethink my plan to stay in the Library eternally. Well, I didn't think I'll get Servants from Fate. So, I didn't consider there would be any people who would follow me eternally. Eternally is a long time, and the cost will be your sanity.
You will lose your rationale more and more. I'm also not very confident that I can keep my reasoning. So, I don't want anyone I make connections with me in this life to live with me eternally for any reason. And Servants are good things to keep. They're able to live forever as they are Spirit.
Because of that, I can have some companions in my life forever. That means I will go on a journey with them since I can't have them in the Library. I then realize something.
'Isn't this plan the same as living as I have right now?'
I can't think of anything different. And time in 'To-love Ru' stops when I travel to other anime worlds. I can go back and visit whatever world at any time I want. I sigh and hold my head as I feel stupid. I feel like I was misled.
'I'm stupid, after all. Someone ends my embarrassment.'
Since I'm stupid when thinking about anything, I'll live in the present and ignore making more useless plans. At least, it also shows that I don't have any increase in intelligence. So, the price of having your intelligence stand still in one place and allowing you to keep your reasoning isn't bad.
After having the meal with the three Servants, I travel back to the 'To-love Ru' world and sleep while hugging Mikan.
On day 120th, I choose to receive the reward from the Item category for fun.
[Ding! You received a 'Chaos Emerald']
'Hm? Why is there a sudden spike increase in my luck?'
I take out the Chaos Emerald, and its color is red. I played that game a little bit in my childhood. But I know about the Chaos Emerald, a power source for almost everything. Looking at it, I already think of a way to use this Chaos Emerald.
'It seems like I need to travel to the harem anime 'Infinite Stratos' and get the mech. I'll need to increase my Programming and Mechanic Skills to design my own I.S. I also need to tune Ritsu to my liking.'
I almost forgot that I had Ritsu from Assassin Classroom. It had been in the Inventory for about one or two months. I plan to use her when I'm older and can make my own company. So, I forgot about her.
'Well, I don't need that body mech yet. Let's go to that world later in the future.'
And I have to go to school today. I sigh as going back to elementary school is annoying and embarrassing. But I have to bear with this as this is a chance to become childhood friends with beautiful girls and have them in my pocket to do whatever I want later.
After getting Mikan up, brushing our teeth, washing our faces, and having breakfast, my father takes Mikan and me to school. On the way, I wonder if I should also have our parents dead to get sympathy from everyone.
It'll also increase Mikan's obsessiveness toward me because I'm her brother taking care of her all the time. I shake my head as this way is too artificial for my liking. If their destiny is to die like the parents in Yosuga no Sora, I may let them pass away. But Rito's parents are different. They're still alive in the anime.
So making them dead isn't suitable. If breaking destiny benefits me in some way, I'll do it. If it doesn't help me, I'll let it do whatever it wants. Besides, breaking fixed destiny comes with a lot of problems. It's a waste of time dealing with all of them.
I look at Rito's dad. I sigh in my mind.
'As expected, I don't have any family emotions. Well, it's bad luck for Rito's parents. But I can try and act like a good son.'
Except for my lust for girls, I'm always in a refreshed state. I may intend to do this as having desires for girls is the only way to relieve my boredom. And the side effects of having my mind not grow to keep my reasoning.
'Basically, I cannot escape being horny since I lock my reasoning in my teenage year.'
I look into the sky to escape the shame that I do too many things without thinking clearly. I decided to forget my past mistakes because there were countless.
When I arrive at school, I walk to the locker. Then I notice some little girls walking out with indoor shoes in their hands. I quickly guess that they're trying to hide Yukino's shoes. But I don't know if it's true. Those shoes can be from someone else.
I wonder what I should do. Intimidate those girls? That would cause troublesome problems later. Ignoring is what I wish to do so. Unfortunately, it means I'll bet on the tiny chance that those shoes don't belong to Yukino. And I dislike taking those kinds of bets.
'Should I follow them and take the shoes back? I carry some wet tissues and some handkerchiefs just in case I start sneezing. I can clean them roughly and put them back in Yuukino's locker.'
It sounds like a more effortless job than confronting those little girls. So, I follow behind those little girls. They then hide the shoes in the bushes and walk away. I then walk toward that bush and take out those shoes.
I then sigh, take out wet tissues, clean the shoes roughly then take them back to Yukino's locker. I open and put the shoes inside. I close Yukino's locker and walk to my class.
'To be honest, I wonder if these pranks are practical. And I do too much to have a girl's liking. Dealing with kids is something I'm not very good at.'
I then hear a question in my mind from Atalanta.
I help Yukino mainly because of wanting to woo her. A tiny part because I don't like seeing other's belonging get destroyed or hidden. I lost some things because I dropped them or some people stole them. It made me annoyed every time that I wanted to kill them once and for all.
'Maybe that's why. I don't want unnecessary bloodshed. Not because I'm a tsundere.'
I clench my teeth, remembering someone who watches anime and says my behavior is a tsundere. I want to punch that person in the face. Sadly, I can't remember who said that sentence. I heard it in my middle school years.