I envy wolves: they're immune to guilt, ethics, taxes, responsibilities, existential dread, a constant and ever-growing sense of failure; and they can just bite someone else's neck when they just feel attacked. Now, I don't actually want to attack someone, just that they can express even those feelings. We humans have to say we're always fine and look for a lonely place to scream and cry and hope no one ever listens to that—bc they'll think you're crazy.
Wolves just live and die and there's absolutely no meaning to that. It just is. They don't have to worry about the constant dread of finding, having, maintaining and losing your job; they don't have to worry about loans, interest rates, inflation, and the fact that living is just harder and harder.
They're the freest of them all. They're free of all meaning.
Lucky bastards.
The most useless ability is getting good grades. And apparently that's the good thing I'm kinda good at.
Sometimes I wish that, after some studies, it turns out I have severe autism or something like that, not bc I don't think it's a big deal—it is, and a lot of people suffer from it—but bc it'd give me an excuse of why I'm constantly failing and it's so hard for me to live like everyone else.
Now, I know living is very hard for everyone, that they suffer a lot, probably way more than me.
But they can still do it. They can still go to their jobs and endure being miserable and underpaid. I can't endure that.
If I had autism or something like that, I'd make sense why I struggle so much despite all my privileges and advantages.
If I don't have any condition at all, that just means I'm a whining and useless failure that can't do shit.
Well, I know that last part is kinda not true—I made my own business, which pays me more than the jobs I had, and even the entry jobs that require a college degree. But every time I struggle more and more, I work harder and harder, and the results are just the same.
I feel I'm on the brink of failure, I'm about to lose the best job I ever had.
And I don't know what I'd do if that happens.
I'd be back in a reality that I just can't handle.